Suffocate

He offered me a breakfast that I neglected softly, slipping my sandals back on and getting ready in my own bedroom, everything was laid exactly where it lived and I took a little longer than I normally would over my appearance. It was a sign of respect I supposed, to make me look like I was more together than I was.

Physically and mentally.

I ran a brush through my hair, the tangles so tight it made my eyes water. I put on light make-up, catching my tanned skin and making my eyes pop. My stylist always said they were my best feature, the rest of me I saw as rather plain. Nothing extraordinary. A little pretty at best.

It hardly mattered. I rubbed my lips together so the colour stuck, long earrings distracted from the tiredness stuck on my features. I slipped back on my sandals, brushing my teeth and spritzing myself with perfume. It was enough, for now. I had to look presentable, especially for official business such as this.

We were meeting them at the Justice Hall, and I could feel my stomach twisting, growling a little for the food I had kept too far away.

The daze was slipping off, I was back at home, back in Four and I could breathe a little better. The sooner everything to do with the games was over for the year the less they haunted me.

Although before I knew it the Victory Tour would come around, and I’d have to play nice with the victors from Twelve, but it was only for the day.

I stretched, meandering downstairs, I had a few minutes until I should expect Finnick but a knock on my door convinced me it was him until I opened it, managing a smile through my hint of disappointment.

“We opened early, thought you might want some.” I made it wider, thanking him as brightly as I could and moving to grab my purse, pressing the money in his hand. “Oh no, I meant as a gift not...”

I didn't deserve a gift, I hadn't brought either of them back. I hadn't brought anybody back in the three years I'd been a mentor.

“It’s fine Rex, take it. And thank your mother for me, okay?” He nodded, dashing off on his bike. It was overcast so far, although I could feel the heat, the sun ready to burst through.

I was glad for the bread, I’d worked there for a little when I was younger, when I didn’t want to go home and face the bickering. We learned other tasks early here in Four too, helping to make nets and knots at school. Two days off school a week to work in the appropriate areas, training for future jobs, with elder siblings or family members.

I always loved time on the boat with my father. And after that with my brothers.
But nothing ever compared to actually being in the water.

I caught myself again, laying the still warm bread on the large, dense wooden table and grabbing a knife, they still felt dangerous in my hands, like I should be tensed, ready to fling them at incoming tributes. I saw a glimmer of a body and froze, it taking a lot of self restraint to keep the knife tight in my shaking hands, to manoeuvre it through the bread rather than aim it at the wall as I wished.

Next came the jam, rich fruit, some of which grew on the northern border of Four and much from higher, it was shipped in to some of the shops seasonally and I always stockpiled it.

They liked the profit and I kept it in the cool basement, making it last as long as necessary. I didn’t use it lightly, I slathered it on, suddenly ravishing and taking several large bites straight after each other.

I felt like I hadn’t eaten in forever.

Again the faces of the starving children of the outer districts hit me in flashes and I guiltily placed it down.

There was nothing I could do, I knew that. Apart from the games I was restricted to here, Four was my home, although it sometimes felt like a prison. They claimed there was nothing across the wide sea, but I knew men had gone far, past the boundaries. Some said they had found land, nourished green acres where Snow had no control.

That weren't supposed to exist.

The men on those ships went to a meeting and never returned.

It was enough to keep us all quiet, to keep the boats in the sectors they were meant to, to build the high barriers that lay out the perimeter, it wasn’t like we were desperate for fish, like it would suddenly run out, the whole ocean. Whatever else lay out there.

There was a knock but I heard the creak as the door swung open anyway, Finnick. I wiped over my mouth, embarrassed by my sloppiness and ran my hands under the cold water, dabbing some around my eyes in the hope the tiredness would fade away.

“He never comes to me, the bakers boy.” Finnick said lightly, and I heard him cut a small chunk of bread, “It’s good today.” I nodded, checking to make sure I had gotten no mess on my white dress before I spun.

“It is isn’t it?” He seemed bemused at how unusually chipper my voice sounded but nodded, grinning guilty as he broke more off.

“Take it with us why don’t you?” I teased, his shadow on the wall was that danger again, tossing a clean drying cloth at him. He wrapped it up, complimenting my ‘plan'. I rolled my eyes, feeling myself warm gradually being around him.

“Ready to go?” I nodded, tugging down the length of my short dress a little, it was in fashion, but I always felt too bare with much of my legs on display.

“It looks nice.” Finnick complimented noticing my discomfort, although it made me frown quickly, making me wipe it off my face and replying with a stiff thank you.

I hated compliments. Even with the truest intentions they seemed forced, a trick. Manipulation.
And I was trying to distance myself from that as much as possible.

It clung to my past.

The sun had clambered through the weak clouds by the time we left, and I lifted my head, as always loving it graze on my face. Finnick picked at the bread, making little conversation ever so often but our walk was primarily in silence. He knew I preferred it that way, or really anyway in which I wasn’t required to say much.

“You fancy a swim?” I lifted a brow and he shrugged continuing, “Wouldn’t look very professional would it I guess?” I pulled a face.

“Professional isn’t the term I’d use.” Half of his smile lifted and I squeaked suddenly, a large thrust of water pushing upwards and coating my bare feet. He chuckled, pulling the same out of me. “It made me jump!” I defended.

“Oh, I’m well aware of the horrors of the sea.” His voice dripped with sarcasm and I hit out my arm to slap him, satisfied with the sound and tiny wince that met his features.

“I’m glad we came this way.” He tucked the cloth into his pocket, his dark trousers rolled up above his ankles, as he kept his eyes on me, “I don’t like going straight there.” It was an obvious admittance on my behalf.

“I’m sure if it were up to you we’d walk forever and never meet them.”

I could never claim Finnick Odair didn’t know me well.


The meeting didn’t last long, the families had been teary and I felt easy ones spring to my own eyes.
I was just thankful the anger was muted, not aimed directly at us for failing their children.

It was at the Capitol.

A dangerous thought, especially to say when peacekeepers, their uniforms a stark white lean against the wall. “Do people think like this?” He glanced at me, lowering his voice as we moved away.

“Apparently, although the Capitol people seem to be unaware.”

“Snow won’t be.” I said tiredly, the emotion draining, although worry was taking it’s place, “He’ll know exactly, and if it isn’t good...”

“Don’t worry yourself.” I went to bite back but he spoke before me, rendering me silent as usual, “At least not yet.”

As we walked down the stairs a few more peacekeepers strode roughly past and I felt my eyes widen. “Are they going to hurt them? Finnick?!”

“Not now.” He snatched my wrist, tugging me quickly away. People seemed to have felt the tension and almost evacuated the small area, back to shops and houses that formed the small town.

That was what Four was, around the Justice hall stood a town, the two main ports were circled by larger ones and that was about it. Other settlements were scattered patches of huts and sheds, depending on the work of the owners, this was often the poorer people who struggled to find a permanent position.

We dodged out of the way of a car, they weren’t particularly rare but only use for longer journeys, bikes were more prominent, decorated with shells and coloured netting. That car was full of peace-keepers.

“But, Finnick, if they’re ready to act so harshly over a fucking comment what...”

“Nothing has happened yet, breathe.” I was already tight, my shoulders tensed. He stopped, resting his large hands on them until they fell and I took control of my breathing.

“It doesn’t help that you keep saying yet like you know something.” His mouth pursed tightly, jaw jutting. “Finnick, what do you know?” My voice was a whisp of wind.

His eyes darted sideways and we cut down a backstreet, the path was old wood, splinters that suck up but were softened by the mass of sand that coated it. He stopped suddenly again.

“Someone...”

His tongue darted over his lips again, “A friend told me there is a bad mood in many of the districts. A lot of people didn't fall for Twelve, her.”

I’d always doubted it, the sincerity. Haymitch knew how to play up things to his advantage during the rare times he was sober. “They see it as an act of defiance towards the Capitol that they've gotten away with.”

“But they’re still alive?” I tested him gently, “If she is still alive then it can only be a mood, people won’t react too much...like you said...they’ll create a Martyr if they kill her and...”

“Exactly.” He obviously thought he had won, “Which is my point now as it was last night. Nothing to worry about so long as that doesn’t happen.” He ran his fingers back through his hair, shooting me a tiny smile, “On that note, fancy a swim?”

The look on his face made me drop it easily with a sigh, “I thought you were leaving to see your sister?”

“Later on,” he urged, linking our fingers to keep me with him, “And I want to go in a better mood.”

“I need to stop off at the market first.” I proclaimed, not liking the building tension, “I’ve...I've got to buy food to do for Mags.”

His footsteps slowed, “You brought money?” I maneuvered down the top of my dress awkwardly, bringing my purse out from my bra, “Impressive.” His eyes lingered as I checked I had a decent amount.

“Alright then, shall we go?”

I was as surprised as he was that I had dropped what had just happened, but in truth it was still spiralling through my mind.

It can only be a mood

Snow wouldn’t accept a mood, he wanted total dominance. Katniss Everdeen wouldn’t survive long, not if she had managed this much of a stir simply by not dying as she should have.

The best way to do that was for her to die, that was painfully obvious. But not with any clear links to the Capitol. That would be his issue.
And I suppose her saving grace.

You couldn't kill a Victor.

“Elenia?”

“Sorry?” I blinked, back to Finnick.

His brows were high, “I said what were you planning on making?”

“Something soft for Mags,” I breathed, “Probably stew, I’d need some game, I have vegetables still.”

They were another thing I had managed to make a deal with, to get them delivered, carrots, peppers and the like.

“Should be easy enough.” We headed that way, it only taking a few minutes. The markets at the ports were larger, a wider variety of produce and sea life, but it wasn’t worth the trek. I brought what I needed quickly, always giving a little too much money away and rejecting change.

I didn’t need anywhere near the amount of money that was annually given to me. Even with how much I managed to sneak to my sisters-in-law it went mostly wasted, completely unneeded. To give it publicly to another would be frowned upon, especially as the law enforcement in the District seemed to get stricter each year.

Finnick had abandoned me, leaving me to make small talk to some girls I recognised and had even counted as friends in school, and it wasn’t as difficult as it had been. I knew what sort of conversation to expect and how to act whilst returning it.

I suppose I was always a good actor. Or a good manipulator as Ceaser had painted me.

It just took a lot of effort.

“Excuse me ladies, but we’re heading off.” I said my goodbyes, the smile hurting my cheeks but they were all far more interested in bidding Finnick farewell. People may be less overdramatic away from the Capitol but the want for him was practically unanimous.

“Next Friday,” Clara clawed my arm, “We’re having dinner, feel free to come if you’re not busy.”

There was a hint of a smirk, of course I wouldn’t be busy.

“I’ll be there.” I promised, waving her a goodbye as we escaped, the bag heavy in my grasp. “Thank you.” I said honestly, “I don’t mind them but I can’t deal with all the...chattering.”

He smiled at me in that way he did, and we followed back down the path towards the beaches, the surface hot, almost burning the soles of our feet as we half pranced to cooler sand, where the tide wet.

“You manage with them a lot better than you used too.” That was the only kind of compliment I could stand. He was right, after the Games talking to anyone was a challenge, and I spent the majority of my own Victory Tour a step away from having yet another panic attack.

“I’m trying.” I admitted, and conversation dropped, just letting me enjoy the noise of the waves, the squawks and chirps of birds high in the air. The chatter behind us fading with ships on the horizon.

He halted suddenly again, pulling off his shirt, and my eyes firmly stuck on his chest. I felt my brow furrow, “A swim remember? Definitely necessary after earlier.”

I didn’t argue with him, just arranged my sandals and bag neatly, resting my earrings and bracelet on top. He grabbed me suddenly, I didn’t squeal, I did the very opposite, freezing, my lungs stopping for a few seconds. “No, not in the dress!”

“It’s just a dress.” He argued, yanking me further in, the water dancing around my knees.

“Finnick!” I complained, although the cold was a relief and the laughter made other thoughts fade. His hands pulled me into his chest, trapping me there as he waded further out, a heat caught in my lower body. I could feel my hair floating around me as my body grew accustomed to the temperature of the water, of his wet body that my dress and skin clung to.

“It won’t be just a dress when Luine is here for the Victory Tour and she discovers you ruined her hard work.” His teeth bared in a dangerous grin and he pushed me under suddenly, having swam back several strokes before I resurfaced.

“I hate you so much.” I whined, something that sounded odd even to my ears as I pushed my hair back, it was a heavy wet mess. I splashed at him, giggles building to erupt.

I felt more alive in the ocean than I did anywhere else, or with anyone else.