Suffocate

I woke up as the knife left my hand and plunged deep under his collarbone.

A ripple of shock sent my knees close up to my chest and my hand slammed over my mouth, cursing the tears that so easily formed. Johanna was facing me but still asleep, the sun low in the sky. I let myself have a minute to calm down, to breathe. I had to breathe.

It felt so odd knowing I’d never see either of them again.

Even if for so long I took their kindness for granted. I understood what Johanna had meant the day before, they would have killed me, they’d tried to twice, because they thought they had to to survive. If they had been the last two I had no doubt they would have killed each other. It was horrific. I don’t know why everyone had obsessed so much over the star struck young lovers when there were siblings in here. That was the truly sick and malicious thing.

Katniss was asleep as well, her face younger than I’d seen it, calmer. I sat up properly, hearing Beetee muttering something as he played with the wire, Peeta and Finnick still sat by the water, although both seemed to be drooping.

I stretched properly before standing, trying to not to catch either of their attentions as I trod to take a drink, the water fresh again, but still that warmness that plagued us. I finished a shell, leaning back to pour a little over my face, dabbing under my eyes, the skin tight. I hadn’t slept well although I didn’t expect to, no-one ever seemed to in here.

Part of me wanted to lay back down and just wait for things to happen around me, for some resolution but I knew that was stupid and impossible. Instead I had to get on with the day, and relieve one of them. I plastered on a smile, running my fingers through my hair as I pushed it away from my face, feeling it tickling on my shoulders. I checked one as I noticed, it was still more damaged than my pink arms but it didn’t hurt to touch anymore than sunburn would.

It was as good as it was going to get, easy to deal with, as with my leg. I wanted to check on Finnick’s and hopefully persuade him to sleep, as little as I would want to spend more time alone with Johanna, I’d feel better if the two were rested.

I didn't want to make the plans.

Peeta saw me first, nudging Finnick and making him turn with a tired smile. “Morning.” I offered, receiving the same from Peeta who smothered a yawn, “I can take over if one of you want to get some sleep?”

“I’m fine.” Finnick said a little too quickly, my lips pursing. Peeta was less stubborn and yawned again, taking my offer and treading gently back to Katniss, footsteps barely remaining in the dry sand. “Finnick you look exhausted, go to sleep. I can wake Johanna up.”

“I’m alright.”

“Liar.” I teased, sitting where Peeta had, back against his, letting my head loll on his shoulder. “What time do you think it is?”

“Probably about six,” He shrugged, apologising as my head fell and I whined, “Not long until those ghosts Chaff said about.” He’d lowered his voice and I lifted my brows, unaware he had even taken much notice. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Must be like the jabber jays you reckon? But actually with projections?” I bit my lip, of course that was the connection, and no doubt the reason he’d been so un-eager to sleep. I pushed my arm back until my hand found his, eyes bleary on the mass of trees. “We’ll just avoid there then.” I suggested softly, drifting into a comfortable silence until Johanna awoke with a start that must have been similar to mine, hand clenching around her axe tightly, moving it face height.

I didn’t call to her, I just let her come back to reality in her own time, “Does your back not hurt sitting like this?”

“A bit.” I rolled my eyes, standing and offering him a hand he took, barely putting any weight on it as he mimicked my movement. Stumbling a little closer and almost bumping into me. “Morning Johanna.” He waved a hand as she muttered, rubbing her hand fiercely over her face as she too got some water. “We might need more soon.”

“I can help.” I saw the debate flickering in his eyes, whether I was safer with him or not, the dangers of the beach versus the jungle. “We can literally go ten feet in.” He settled and nodded, telling Johanna our plan although Peeta was still awake so really we had no need for such a strict watch as we grabbed the empty shell and bowls and trod in, I could feel the paranoia growing with each step, even with the sword again strapped around my hips and the trident in his free hand.

His other was holding a shell but still managed to graze my side as we walked.

It was silly really, we understood the clock now, we knew we were safe in that respect. And there were only three of them now, Chaff seemed to be waiting it out, he obviously had some idea of the segments and the horrors that lay within them. That just left Brutus and Enobaria, and no doubt they knew exactly where we were and were just waiting for the opportune moment.

“Elenia?” I blinked hard, “The bowls?”

“Oh, yeah sorry.” I’d let myself drift away, but quickly held one of the bowls under the thin stream.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I was just thinking about everything.” This was the most privacy we had had since I had met them, so I ran with it. “How long do you think we have? Beetee’s obviously planning something, but if not what do we do, hunt the careers down?”

“They won’t stay away that long, but they’d be stupid to attack right now. They might be...” He paused awkwardly, “They could be hunting Chaff, it would be easier for them and lessen the numbers.” It made sense but it stung.

“But what if we do get them?” He lifted a brow, and we swapped the bowls, allowing me to sneak a sip of the lukewarm liquid before I lowered it to the dense ground. “How long do you think it will be before Twelve turn?” He bit his lip.

“Beetee’s got an idea.” He ignored my later question completely, “I’m not one hundred percent sure what yet but you can tell he's plotting and you know just how well that brain of this works...”

“Don’t ignore me.” I sighed, “What if they turn too early?” He snorted and I felt my eyes widen a little at the meaning behind my words, nobody may have noticed but he swiftly manoeuvred around it, “You mean before Johanna?” The second bowl was finished filling and he handed me that, the tree starting to struggle to fill the shell. There was a crack and his head shot up, eyes glaring hard until he assumed it was nothing.

“You know what I mean.”

“I think we’ll be able to tell...”

“And I think we both know who their first target will be.” I couldn’t help myself from releasing the words, the spite aimed both at her and the inadequacy of myself. “Don’t say things like that.” He scolded, yanking the spile a little too firmly from the bark. “It’s true.” The poison was thick in my veins.

“Enough.” He all but demanded, and I bit my lip, going to bend down to gather the bowls when he caught me and a hot fast kiss pressed against my lips. I didn’t want it to end, it was the perfect distraction and so much more, but of course it did. “Nothing bad will happen, I promise.”

I wasn’t sure if I responded for the cameras or myself. “You can’t promise that.” His face fell but I pressed up on my tip toes and kissed him lightly again, “We should get back.” I let go, my hands had landed easily on his chest but I moved them to pick up the bowls, balancing one awkwardly in each hand. “We’ll see what Beetee has to say.”

For once he looked like he was struggling for words, but it just reminded me of how he had seemed the day before, after the birds and guilt was another dagger far less easy to remove from myself. “Fine.” He said simply, silent as we walked back to the beach, Johanna accepting a drink instantly as I went to offer Beetee one. “You look busy.” I pressed cautiously.

“Thinking,” He murmured, shifting his glasses further up the bridge of his nose and glancing at me, “Thank you.” I waited for him to indulge me further but when he didn’t I left, passing the others and straight back to Finnick side where I sat.

“I’m sorry about a minute ago.” I said eventually, feeling uncomfortable around him was odd and I hated every lingering second of it as we waited to decide what to do today. “Finn...”

“You know I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” I felt my mouth open but slapped it shut. He was being earnest in every way, regardless of the camera, the gamemakers.

“I know. But we know how these things go. It doesn’t always go...the way you want...to plan.”

His hand gripped mine again; Johanna was picking at leftover fruit but seemed to have taken her natural wary stance, eyes narrowed at our surroundings. “And I’d feel a lot better if you slept.” I pressed again, him rolling his eyes but squeezing my palm harder.

“I’m more hungry, I need protein.” I pulled a face, “What? Come on, you’re the chef.” I smirked, unable to stop it spreading as his own grin did. “I don’t want oysters. Not anymore of them.” He laughed as I shook my head in disgust and it was delicious, enough to send prickles over my whole body.

If it had been any other situation here it would have been stunning, especially with Finnick. If you could remove the danger and death, but you couldn’t, you were never able. It’s why I was so glad my first games resembled nothing at home, the cliffs were small and dotted with white at home. Not the deep ravines and thin forests of the arena, it made it easier to forgot.

Well, it made it a tiny bit easier not to relive in my waking hours.

But here I was, sitting with waves so similar to those minutes from my house lapping towards us. The prickle shifted and I suddenly felt watched, my grip on him tightening as I tried discretely to check around us. Johanna had moved but she still seemed settled so I pushed the worry down. I wasn’t going to let it ruin every second, not if what I feared happened would. “You’re one of the only people I know who don’t like them.” He hadn’t noticed, his eyes dancing over the small waves, I was sure to him it was a happy sight, the water, the smell. He didn’t see the bad in it, he didn’t seem to in most things. Or maybe he was just so good at neglecting that feelings and thoughts and locking them away.

“I don’t not like them.” I was struggling to keep the easy flowing tone he had, “I’m just not... I don’t remember the last time I ate them...”

His reply came before I had even worked it out myself, “After that girls wedding, Pamma....”

“Pamena,” It hit me, we’d ended up going because of some distant relative tie, and primarily because Luka made us...well, me, I wasn’t sure why Finnick had come.

I was now, recalling our conversation about Thom’s wedding, about all of that. “Yeah, that was it.” He continued, “And we almost missed the buffet because...” He dodged around the name again.

“Luka and Rita were arguing and we, well, you, were trying to keep Annie from hearing it in the other room.” I wasn't going to be afraid to speak his name, to remember him. No amount of power, threat or hurt would do that. “She bit me.” I sniggered into my other hand, unable not to. “With her three teeth or whatever it was...”

“Who bit you?” We turned in sync, I hadn’t noticed Peeta moving closer, the sand was good at muting sounds, easy the heavy steps his prosthetic leg caused.

“My niece bit him once. He’s never recovered.” I answered swiftly, the laughter was like a swell of confidence and calm at the same time. Peeta grinned, “I’ve been bitten by a cat before, but never someone’s child.”

“Count yourself lucky.” Finnick said sternly, looking over his arms as a ploy but stopping to inspect the last of the scaly skin. “I think they’re almost gone.” Peeta realised what he was doing, “They don’t itch as much either.”

“Well, I left medicine if you or Katniss want some.” Peeta offered him an overly bright thank you over my head. My hand, tight and sweating under Finnick’s was suddenly free as he yawned and drew it to his mouth. “Go to sleep.” I all but demanded, glad when Peeta backed me up, assured him we were fine, that Johanna was awake now and we had time before we had to move. I could see the inner conflict in those green eyes but he nodded and gave in, leaning forward to peck my lips softly before he did so.

“Don’t wander off anywhere.” He recited my words from the previous evening and I felt a blush form as I watched him over Peeta’s shoulder, the latter holding a firm smirk he swallowed down, sitting awkwardly in the sand.

“So...”

“So...” I mimicked, “Are you sure you don’t want to get some sleep? Johanna’s awake like you said...”

“I’m not too tired, I’ll sleep this afternoon or later on.” I didn’t argue against him, he wasn’t my top priority either way. That should have been Katniss when really it was Finnick. But he was obviously other peoples, Finnick had restarted his heart, shoved not just me but both of us back during the attack at the Cornucopia.

It looked like they were taking the idea of ‘the way to her is through him’ seriously. I pulled my knees up to my chin, looking at the several small holes that scattered over the grey. “It’s better Katniss sleeps more really, isn’t it?” I wasn’t sure if there was any meaning hidden in his words but I nodded,

“With the baby, definitely...”

“Yeah.” He said lowly, “You want some of that fruit? I know Johanna left some.” I thanked him and he stumbled off before returning with it, careful not to get any sand on the chunks. They were still delicious, although lukewarm and it kept us quiet for a few minutes before conversation returned, again started by him.

“Has Finnick said anything about the jabberjays?” I checked just past him, Finnick was clearly asleep so I felt safe enough to enter. “Nothing.” I admitted, “Has Katniss?” He shook his head and our voices grew quieter, “Well, Johanna definitely won’t say anything.”

“What did she mean when she said she had no-one, what happened?” I sucked on my lower lip, not expecting the question and even less uncertain of how to answer. “She said no.” Was all I felt I could offer with no repercussions, aware Thom was supposed to be staying under the radar as much as possible and I would not give any hint that could get him in trouble. He may already be in Thirteen. Even thinking of that as a real place seemed ridiculous, incomprehensible.

Peeta frowned a little and I nodded, no doubt giving enough explanation that he changed the topic very slightly. “Do you think it’s...odd...that they’re not talking about it?”

“Not really.” I put my legs flat again, tensing and releasing the muscles, “I wouldn’t want to, would you?” He bit the inside of his cheek hard, staring at the water for a moment before he responded with a sigh, “No, I guess not.”

The sky was turning into that light pink, patches of the water that best caught the reflection doing the same. I sucked the left over juice from the fruit off of my finger tips as Peeta wiped the light layer of sweat that was growing from his brow as his tongue darted over his lip.

“I was thinking about who I would have heard if I was in there, other than Katniss...and I’m, I’m not really certain.” Pity fizzled within me, I knew nothing about his home life other than the bakery. I knew he lived alone in their Victors Village, the television interviews had made that clear.

“I did the same.” I tried to soothe, “It’s not worth thinking about, not now. And we know it’s not real, right?” That thin silence fell again, Beetee’s muttering merging with the waves. “So, this niece of yours, she bite many people?” I giggled against myself.

“No, of course not, she was teething...”

“She obviously liked Finnick then.” His comment was innocent enough but it just sent bile bubbling up my throat. “Everyone likes Finnick.” My voice was harder and more curt than it had to have been, but I didn’t apologise, I wouldn’t with something like that.

If his games had ended properly, the same would have happened to either him or his false fiancée.

He cleared his throat, and if was as if the comment had never happened, light chit chat about home, families, food. His talk about his brothers was as tense and uncomfortable as mine and I was glad when it didn’t linger and within an hour or so Finnick was awake again, shortly followed by Katniss.

The moment she stirred that silver parachute caught my eye. That was nice, obviously we got nothing unless Katniss was there to accept it. Lovely.

She didn’t get to in this case, Finnick dove in and again we were met with rolls from Three. I liked them, not as much as home and not as much as several other districts. The bread from Nine was best, but then, it was a luxury, it was what they produced in those huge factories surrounded by tall thin buildings, tenements. I don’t remember seeing a single tree when I had been there.

That was probably why they had so few victors originally. They never did well, they had no chance to learn as we did, as the Career districts could and would. I took a few bites, and everyone was mostly silent, thinking about other things.

I was certain behind those steel grey eyes Katniss Everdeen was planning how and when to kill us to save her own skin. I didn’t see the same thing in Peeta’s. Maybe that was just wistful thinking.

When we were done she tugged him away, to ‘teach him how to swim’. Suspicion that hit me deeply was echoed on Johanna’s face and she stood, muttering something to Finnick I missed and playing around with her axe. I knew it was more than that, that she was watching both of them. I didn’t bother, it wouldn’t make any difference, I’d have to ignore my gut feeling and trust Finnick.

I did trust Finnick. But he had to know this was a promise he couldn’t guarantee. I didn’t bring it up, instead I let him lead me away a little, waiting whilst he gathered vines for us to weave into another fishing net, “Since I don’t fancy trying to force you to eat shellfish.”

It passed a bit of time, and it was easy, simple. I let myself concentrate on it so I didn’t worry about anything else and for that time it worked. And after Katniss called Peeta in, discovering their poisonous scabs would run away with the sand, the water did the same job, helping me find that world again, watching the bright colours of fish, only surfacing when I was desperate for breath or when Finnick caught me.

Beetee broke through that delusion of tranquility.

He revealed a new plan, a way to kill the careers. But he was our way out and he was speaking about electricity, literally frying the beach and Cornucopia. This had to be more than a way to kill Brutus and Enobaria, this had to be our way out.

This was our escape plan.

The look Finnick met me with confirmed that.