Suffocate

The deaths had shocked the District to the core, and everything against the Capitol, other than bad thoughts stopped pretty much the second the bullets pierced their flesh. One after the other.

Like they were putting down stray dogs.

There wasn’t any sense of a trial, there didn’t have to be.

They knew what they had been discussing, how they had tried to reach out to other districts to try and unite them against the Capitol, the facist way this country, this world was run.

All of the telephones lines had been cut, I couldn’t ring anyone in the District and definitely not anyone outside it. We were trapped fully in the narrow space of Four, tall, and newly guarded, walls on one side and the ocean the other. But, for most people, when the docks were open, when they could go back out on the sea, children could go back to school, their lives started again.

Mine hadn’t.

Rita and my nieces had moved in with me, they had no choice really. Her mother didn’t want to be linked with my brother, my last name now held a sour taste. And there was no way they were able to go home, it was destroyed, just a scorched mark on the ground where my brother had made his life, married his wife, started to raise his children.

Plotted against the president.

In the day it didn’t seem real, but at night, there was a new memory to merge with the horror of my time in the Hunger Games. But this one involved watching a chunk of my brothers brain meet a dark stone wall. It felt the scream burn my entire body. It was the loudest noise I had made in years.

It was the last one I had made since that day.

I wasn’t sure how many days it had been since the square was littered with bullets. They passed in a blur. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I didn’t. I was trying, trying so hard to be normal, to grieve normally but I couldn’t.

Any little thing sent me back to that moment.

I wanted to scream until my throat bled, it would help relieve the tension and poison pulsing through me.

My bed was my haven, at least it had been at first, before Finnick had physically forced me from it, his words a little harder, more so than they had ever been before when aimed at me. “You can’t lay there forever.” I’d shrugged, curling back into a ball, barely grunting as his arms scooped me up.

“No, I’m not letting you just waste away.You need to grieve Elenia, not sink into whatever the hell it is your doing.” He forced me to stand, his hands firm but not rough. “It isn’t healthy and you’re scaring everyone. Luka wouldn’t want this.”

I wanted to ask him how the hell he would know what Luka wanted.

One of the last things my elder brother had wanted was to break free of the dictatorship we lived in.

But any chance of a successful uprising had failed, and there were more peacekeepers patrolling the streets than ever. They needn’t bother, every gave up watching those men die.

Brave but such stupid, stupid men.

“You’re going to get up at a normal time and do things, not mope, not anymore. Okay?” he lifted my chin up gently, “For Luka.” I opened my mouth, barely a squeak before I gave up and shot it, “Please, for me.” He had me there, and the way his eyes pierced mine released a flood of butterflies within me and made me nervous.

But for the last two weeks, each day defined properly on the calendar I had done that he asked.

It was for him.

There was movement upstairs and I heard the two pairs of small feet pattering on the steps, dragging myself away from viciously scrubbing the table to give them a smile and gather some bread for their breakfast. The spontaneous bread delivery had stopped as well.

Suffering for a victor like this had caused an odd divide between us and them.
I hated how that sounded.

I cut it into a few thick slices, browning it in the oven as they chatted, putting fingers into the jam pot when they thought I wasn’t looking. I didn’t have to force a smile around either of them, and they didn’t bug me to speak at all. Not that they brought it up, Rita hadn’t let them see, thank goodness.

I tapped Annie’s hand away with a brow lifted to make it clear I was joking before I placed the plates of bread down, getting them a butter knife and some water, touching her hair gently as I moved past and upstairs to get dressed.

I wasn’t sleeping well either. I was paranoid, every night I was back in the arena now, more real than ever and often I woke crying, flung in some odd position, hands claws ready to attack.

It put me on edge and as usual swimming was one of the only things that helped. Finnick would kill me if he knew I was going out when it was dark like I did, But then he had no reason to be off with me. He definitely had a secret, well, being who he was he always had more secrets then a person needed. But for a change this revolved around him.

And he wouldn’t tell me. I wanted to ask, I really did, to just fucking say something and get through to him. I couldn’t bare of the thought of him being in danger as well.

In some of my nightmares, he took my brothers place.

I wanted to talk, I wanted to scream. But I was scared if I did I would never be able to stop.

I slipped on some loose comfy shoes, tugging my knotty hair up and out of my face. I’d really stopped caring. I should deal with it better, I should have been the one comforting Rita, not the other way around. But I was too selfish, too messed up to realise before it had happened.

I was trying to make up for it now, she still went to work, although she knew there was no need.
I think she needed something to do most days, to take her mind from it.

So did I , I took the girls to school every day, picked them up to odd uncomfortable looks.

I went for a swim, a jog, I made dinner, cleaned the house. I was an odd little housewife with no husband. That was more unlikely than ever when I was fairly sure I had forgotten how to pronounce words. I tried sometimes, laying in the bath, part of me wanting to hold myself under.

Drown, let the water flood my lungs until they could hold no more and shut down.

I should have realised what was happening, stopped him sooner. The way he'd lept on the idea of a rebellion after Katniss and Peeta's horrible tour should have been a sign.

If they’d just let go, rather than clinging to me, Finnick and another holding me on my knees, maybe I could have stopped it, stopped the bullet. The peacekeeper would have suffered for killing a victor, accidentally or not.

It may have saved him. That would have made any fear of death completely worth it.

But I’d missed that opportunity and I was still fucking here. Doing nothing.

I wanted to know what Finnick did.

It was a weekend, although that meant little to me, every day the same. Rita was taking the girls out and I was going to Mags to check up on her, trying to force each other back into normality. She’d done as much as she could, in her way. Basic sign gestures formed all our conversations.

I pulled the door tight, aiming my usual look at Finnick’s house. I didn’t see him as much now and I was scared it was because he was sick of me.

This one last shudder into being a mute had been too much for him to want to deal with.

I wouldn’t blame him.

But then there he was at Mags, bringing her a bunch of food. His broad shoulders bare, skin darker than ever as it had grown warmer, spring was almost breaking to summer. He smiled at me, asking how I was and receiving a shrug in response that made him bite his lip.

“They’re announcing the rules of the Quarter Quell tomorrow...did you know that?” I shook my head, it was earlier than I had expected and I wasn’t looking forward to it. Mags had told me the last time they had sent double the amount of tributes in, forty eight children who had to kill each other.

That was the year Haymitch had won, I knew that much.

I wasn’t surprised he turned to alcohol.

“Do you want to watch it together? So we can...” A wiry smile formed, a little sarcastic, “Discuss it.” I wanted to tell him not to make fun of me but couldn’t, hitting his chest weakly as I walked past, his hand scooping mine up. I both hated and loved how he could joke, be relaxed and open.

“If we asked Mags or Andromeda could take over mentoring for you I'm sure they would...and... I want a break.”

It wasn’t likely, he knew that and my look seemed to secure it, no-one wanted to take our places, last year none of the others had come either. That was something some did, used the games as a holiday almost, the lush Capitol was appealing, especially for Felix, the winner before Finnick, in his mid thirties who was addicted to food and alcohol. The Capitol had both so he usually made his excuses and joined us.

But he would never offer to mentor. Not in a million years. It was too close to the past.

I held his hand tightly for a moment before dragging mine back to my body and slipping in beside Mags who was reading some book, smiling at me and aiming a sneaky point of her finger towards Finnick before returning to it. She didn't need me, I'd clearly been invited over because she wanted the two of us to speak.

I sighed but stood again, doing as she wanted and trailing back to where he was. He did look stressed, tired and I felt another separate tingle of worry over me. I wanted so badly to know what was wrong with him, what he was keeping from me.

Even if I would speak to ask him properly I doubted he would tell me.

He was sat on the kitchen table and I joined him, shifting closer and resting my head just under his shoulder, his arm wrapping around me gently, stroking my upper arm.

“Are Rita and the girls doing okay?” I nodded against him and he muttered, “That’s good.” I sat up straight, looking at him pointedly, “Am I okay?” I nodded again and he forced that oh-so-charming look over his face, “’Course I am. I’m always okay, you know that.”

But sat the next evening we weren’t.

The tributes for the third Quarter Quell would be ‘reaped from the remaining pool of victors’.

Rita’s hands lifted slowly to her face, “They...they can’t do that can they? They’re not allowed...”

I let my mouth flop open, no sounds escaping as I stood, feet slamming against the hard wood as I found my room and bed. The truth was taking a while to sink it.

The arena, I was there in a split second, dagger ripping through my flesh. The pillow under my face wasn’t enough to mute the scream, the agony.

That was it, I’d been promised, sworn too I would never have to re-enter, live through it again.

Die in there.

I knew it was Finnick when the door creaked open and I couldn’t keep the sobs back any longer, nails cutting into my palms even as I was twisted, rested on his chest. His heart was beating wildly, mine felt like it was going to physically escape my body, leap onto the ground.

But I had to go in. That became clear the minute I had a coherent thought, still tangled with him, breathing in his usual smell, musk mixed with salt.

There was no way I would ever stand back and watch Mags died in there or have Andromeda leave her baby to face killers. It had to be me, we both knew that. His fingers caught in the tangles in my hair but we froze where there was a loud yell from outside, another storming from their house, throwing a large glass bottle in fury at the ground.

It smashed and I broke with it.

“I hate them.” I gurgled, my words cracked, I said them too quick. My voice sounded foreign. “I hate them.” The strain on my throat was enormous as my voice lifted, the words continued, louder until it was almost a scream. He pushed me away, but that was it.

I’d screamed, finally. And I wanted to scream forever.

I was aware of him trying to shush me, hands grasping my shoulders, trying to bring me back down, into the reality I detested, wanted to escape forever. With a jolt I was slammed onto my back, him all but straddling me, hair in unusual disarray, his own eyes red.

“It’s a third of a chance.” I aimed a thump at him that as always he caught, holding my wrist tightly and keeping me flat, his body a straight jacket over mine. “You have a third of a chance, you don’t have to go back in. Elenia, breathe...”

“Don’t pull that.” I spat harshly, although my words easily fell flat, no will in me to scream anymore. “There’s three of us, me, Mags and Andromeda, and I would be despicable, absolutely despicable to let either of them go in there!” I tried to struggle from him feebly, vicious sobs finally erupting from me “I have to go in, you know that Finnick!”

“It’s just thirty three percent.” I don’t know how he seemed so calm, resolved. It only made me more angry and I managed to move suddenly, tearing myself from his grasp and spilling onto the floor, staggering to my feet, the sobs were an ache under my ribs.

“And you would want to see Mags in there?! You know full well she wouldn’t last....”

“Dont. You. Dare.” He growled, jumping to his feet and I froze instantly, my eyes stinging. My mouth formed that usual word. He shook it off with a huff, running his hand again through his slight quiff.

“Don’t ever say something like that.”

I could almost feel the dagger held by the girl from Two, Malen, slicing through my gut again and gasped on the pain, ending as always with weak tears running down my face. But gently, my hand trying to muffle them and the noise that came with it.

That was it, wasn’t it. I had two months if I waited, if I truly tried in there.
I had no chance in winning.

“I can’t win.” My voice was high and scratchy, “But it has to me be me that goes in.”

He was staring hard through me and I took a cautious step towards him. “No, it doesn’t.”

He’d lost the rage in his words and they felt childish.

“Yes it does Finn.” He met my eyes, although he didn’t smile at his nickname. “You know that.”

Mags was an idol in the District, everyone loved her, when she was more coherent she gave advice every day. I loved her and I would not watch her die.

And Andromeda had a family, she’d managed to move on from the horrors of it all. I hadn't, I had the least to lose, the least damage would be caused to others if it was me.

I nodded to myself again, words caught on my dry tongue. I managed to leave the room, practically stumbling into the bathroom, setting up the small shower and pulling off my dress, sitting under the burst of water.

I had to try and clear my mind properly, think it all through. I heard Finnick leave, hesitating by the door before he did so.

It was too hot,the water, stinging the top of my back but it was necessary.

But all I could feel was every injury I’d suffered before reopening, happening again. Each blink sent me back there, Tyger dangling from my hands. Switching places with my brothers and Finnick.

Who else could it be? Who else would enter?

I didn’t even want to work it out, let them creep into my mind. I lashed out suddenly with another scream and my arm slammed against the glass protector, the smash loud, glass splaying over the tiles.

I wanted to grab a shard and run it across my skin. I was already bleeding on my forearm, a long cut, the blood diluted by the water, running over my legs as I watched it. I couldn’t feel it, there was nothing.

Soon I’d be nothing. The temptation to find my way there quicker was there, an itch sinking into my brain with the hot water. But that was it, it was weak.

What would Luka want, what would Tyger, everyone who had died in there before and after me want?

Not to let the Capitol win.

But then, someone else would have to go in if I, it wouldn’t change it.

I couldn’t let them lose Mags. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I wasn’t even aware what I was yelling anymore, if it was even comprehensible. I shouted until my throat couldn’t bare it, until my body was red from the effort, the heat and the blood.

I was left shuddering under the slowly cooling water.


Rita called a healer to stitch my arm.

I hardly felt it, the smell of the alcohol was more offensive than the needle forcing its way through my skin. “I just fell.” I lied again, pointlessly, the pain was written all over my face. I wasn’t sure my nieces even saw through it. “But you’re talking now.” Annie offered unhelpfully, lower lip jutting out at the glare from her mother, demands they leave us to it.

“It was stupid is what it was.” She spat, “So stupid and selfish...”

“I’m going to die Rita, the only question is when.” She ripped her hand from mine, pacing back and forth until it was done, paying the healer for the help and ‘indiscretion’. I almost giggled at her.

People weren’t going to expect anyone to have taken this well. Everyone knew how well I reacted to things. I was well aware my name was a punch-line to a variety of jokes.

There were still some who saw the games as a honour, to partake in, more of an honour to win. And I'd always seemed to 'ungrateful'.

“Where’s Finnick and Mags?” I asked gently, taking another longer sip of water to soothe my throat, every syllable hurt.

“At his house.” She answered, still furious, “Dealing with it in a sensible way.”

“By ignoring it.” I countered, looking at the pristine bandage around my arm. It hadn’t been deep, he just wanted to avoid infection. “Don’t.” She caught it, making me wince, “Don’t lose your mind and...”

“I think I already did that.” My reply was blank and she exhaled sharply.

“You know what I mean, you react like that.” She squeezed harder before dropping it, “And then suddenly an hour later you’re as if nothing has happened, as if its all perfectly fine.” I ran my tongue over my teeth, “That’s far worse than any reaction I would have expected, you have barely spoken for the last six weeks!”

“I thought you wanted me to speak.” There was another smash as a plate met the wall and I jumped, fingers clutching the edge of the table tightly.

“You know what, you’re right.” She laughed bitterly and falsely, “Is that what you want to hear? You’re right to completely give up already, that makes perfect fucking sense Elenia...your brother didn’t die for...”

I was already up on my feet, every muscle tensed. “Don’t you dare ever try and use what he did against me. He didn’t do it for me.”

“Of course he did! He died because of you!” she shrieked, “Since I have known him, since you came back it has picked at him what happened to you! Of course it was more for you than anyone! You were always just too selfish and fucking self absorbed to ever realised other people suffered about it all!”

“Oh that’s funny, I don’t remember you being in there Rita!” I was panting, my feet in the perfect stance for attack Tyger had taught me in the training center, once an alliance was agreed upon. “I don’t remember you at any point having to slaughter people or climb fucking mountains, watch them die and spend every single second sure you were going to die as well!”

“But you won didn’t you?! You got them all to do what you wanted whilst you stood there not caring a fucking ounce!” her voice dropped an octave, “I am sorry for what you went through, you know that.”

She was practically shaking, “But my husband did not die for you to just give up, that would kill him all over again.” She ended in a whisper and I shook at head at her, my arm was finally starting to hurt, but my heart was racing, blood pounding around my body violently as I left the house, my own hands shaking.

He died because of you.

I started off towards the small pool of water but stopped in the centre of the path, close to a small palm tree. Fuck her. Fuck, fucking her. I didn’t let myself hit out again. It wasn’t like it changed or solved a thing. I don’t know at what point Finnick had left with Mags, during or in the aftermarth of my breakdown.

I couldn’t do it again, it wasn’t fair. I changed my destination several times in the next few seconds, gradually settling and turning. He was already there, standing silently in his doorway, the flickering light behind him silhouetted him beautifully.

I sighed, a loose stone on the ground dug into my foot and I groaned, anger simmering that I forced back down, taking it out by my nails digging into my palms once again. “Can I come in?” I sounded like an old woman who had smoked for most of her life.

“I could hear you and Rita.” I didn’t have an answer for him, “You want to talk about it?” I shook my head, why, in every situation was he utterly perfect at handling it? “Mags is asleep. She doesn’t seem too worried luckily.”

Maybe she knew there was no way it would be her. Or maybe she hoped it would be.

“Good.” I sucked on my lower lip, “That’s good.”

“Yeah.” He trailed off a little awkwardly, and I caught his eyes on my arm.

“It’s not too bad.” I rushed and he seemed to struggled to meet mine again, shrugging but moving aside to let me in, the door closing with a soft click behind me.