Suffocate

I’d imagined the moment several times, probably more. That perfect kiss that made the world stop spinning, made those fireworks light in your stomach and burst into a colourful delight in your mouth.

It only lasted a second, and it felt like it. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be with someone you really cared about, but it was. His lips were soft and mine parted slightly, more from the shock than anything else, and like that he had pulled away. My hands still dangling lamely by my side.

It wasn’t how it was supposed to be, it was supposed to be perfect, the right time, right setting. Not with us both covered in a dried layer of sweat, the balls of my feet aching, the taste of dinner still lingering in my mouth.

Words escaped me as usual, but he shot me a small smile, hands trailing off of my face slowly and down to his sides, fidgeting. I swallowed, cutting him off as he was about to speak, “Don’t...don’t do that, it isn’t fair.”

I was staring hard at his mouth, refusing to meet his eyes, my own were stinging as they easily did, tears threatening. “Elenia...”He sighed.

“I better go.” I sputtered, “Go see Thom and...” His hands stay where they were, not trying to snatch me back as I twisted away from him, desperate for the fresh, warm air outside to try and help me make sense of it.

He didn’t want it, he’d been messing with me for weeks now, just being that touch too flirty.
There was no way he wanted me.

I headed straight back to mine, pausing before I opened the door, able to hear the children playing inside. They knew about the games, the older two at least, what they were, but we hadn’t said anything to them.

Only now was I able to appreciate the way his lips had felt and mine tingled. I resisted touching them, it would have been pathetic, like a girl in a terrible romance novel written by some barren Capitol citizen. He couldn’t just kiss me out of nowhere, he had to have some idea how he made me feel.

I opened the door with more pressure than necessary. Instantly attracting attention my way, Thom was in front of me in a split second. “You look gross.”

“You don’t look much better.” I countered, managing a smile as he hugged me tightly, so hard my feet lifted a little of the ground. “Don’t kill her Thom.” Phillus joked, although the word made him drop me, the silence awkward and instantaneous, “I didn’t mean...”

“We know,” I hugged her more carefully; it was easy to ignore to, to keep it as a dream of future that would never get here. I was suddenly aware just how sweaty and stinking I was, “Lemme go shower real quick and I’ll be back down. Did you eat?”

“Rita did us something.” Thom was looking at me oddly, we hadn’t seen each other in a month. It had been difficult to, after Luka. He’d been to see mom. He didn’t say much but it clearly had not gone at all well. Luka was her eldest, the most successful, normal of her children. “Great, I’ll be about ten, anything else you want help yourselves.”

“We brought some oranges actually, found a place selling them when we went north to see Phillus’s parents.” I almost laughed at the pained look that flickered over his face, “But yeah, sorry, go clean up.”

I didn’t spend anywhere near as long under the hot stream as I wanted, enjoying the delicious scents that stuck to my skin and hair. I grabbed a razor, ensuring my body was smooth.

Why? I wasn’t sure. A part of me was in a world of fantasy that Finnick actually wanted me in that way, it was less hurtful than the overpowering idea he’d done it just to mess with me for his own enjoyment.

That wasn’t him. Nothing like him. He had tried harder with me than anyone ever had, done more for me. He’d helped save my life once and I had no doubt he would do his best until it was the right moment the second time.

Like that the shiver hit me again and I turned the water up hotter for a burst to force it away. It worked and I clambered out after a few long minutes, slipping into my bedroom and dressing quickly, wiping at my face hard. The time spent outside in the sun had brought my freckles out again, the sprinkling over my nose and cheeks, I wiped at them as I brushed my teeth.

I’d never liked them.

I wrapped the towel tightly around my head, making sure my legs, bare again in shorts were dry before I went back downstairs. They had no idea I wanted to volunteer, Rita mustn’t have said anything because they would have jumped down my throat. Thom tried to discuss odds with me, logical ways to overcome it. I told him about my training with Finnick and he demanded details which I gave a little reluctantly.

“What if it ended up as the two of you in there?”

“What do you mean?” That was an assurance, not an option any longer. Even if Finnick urged me most days to reconsider putting myself up if it wasn’t my name on the slip. “And you were the last two...”

“You’ve seen whose going in there...” I stopped myself, he looked too hopeful, too concerned for me to lay harsh truths on his head now. He looked so much older than the last time I had seen him, although he was the same age as Finnick, birthdays in the same week. Was I hurting him how I had hurt Luka? I just smiled and it wasn’t until late that evening, when my hair was in damp curls down my back, the two of us perched on my steps, a cigarette dangling from his hands which was unusual in itself that we spoke frankly.

“If I...” I chewed the inside of my cheek, seeing how his hand tensed, there was no point hiding it. “Die,” I ended lamely, “The house won’t be mine anymore and the money will stop.”

“I can see how your finances would worry you.” He said sarcastically, a little harshly.

“I mean Rita won’t be able to live here with the girls.” I answered just as curtly, “She’ll have to live somewhere else. I’ve got a lot of money I’ve stored up in the safe under my bed. The day of the reaping, before we go I want you to take it all, make sure Rita gets sorted out, okay? I can’t guarantee they won’t empty the house or anything when I’m gone.”

“No-one cares about the money.” His voice hurt me.

“I just want everyone to be more comfort-“

“Comfortable? You want us to be more comfortable because you’re dead?! That would be the least of my concerns.”

“And your first should be making sure your family, our family is safe.”

“But I can’t do that, can I? We let Luka get mixed up with those uneducated idiots, and I can’t stop whatever result comes out on Monday! And...” He threw the cigarette down, “You wouldn’t be doing all this training if you weren’t committed, weren’t sure. You look and sound the healthiest you have in years.”

“Neither of us can blame ourselves for Luka, it isn’t, I’ve done it and it fucking hurts. When I die I need to be aware all of you will be safe.”

“When?” He half screeched, slamming his hand over his face to quiet himself, “I knew it!” he hissed it, “I knew you’d be so stupid as too...”

“I’m not arguing about it, I’m sick of arguing about it.” He ran his hand through his growing hair, “Please don’t argue with me Thom. It’s done, it’s happening and I need to know you will all be safe, I couldn’t go in with my head straight not knowing that.” I had him there and he nodded regretfully, huffing. “It’ll be best if you all lay low as well. There’s...” I ran my tongue over my lips, glancing at Finnick’s house, I couldn’t see any lights so I assumed he was in his bedroom facing the opposite way.

“Something is happening, I don’t know what properly.” I added quickly, “But it’s to do with what Luka wanted...I...I don’t want anything that happens to me to affect you, lay low, with the money okay? Please?”

I could see the conflict fighting within it, it was the same one that had plagued me for days, weeks. But I knew exactly what was happening with it all. I had it under control, I told him that.

“We’re not in control of anything. If it was up to me...”

“It isn’t.” I bit back. Apologising instantly.

“But if it was...” he looked around, drawing me in closer and rolling up his sleeve, a small mark, a tattoo close to his elbow. It didn’t look particularly new and I recognised it, feeling my face pale.

“You idiot!” I squawked, forcing my voice lower, “Why the fuck did you get that done? You know what they’ll do if the peacekeepers see it?!”

“Yeah, I do.” His face lit up with rebellion, defiance, a gleam in his eyes. “I know, there are a lot of people who feel the same as I do, this is the symbol. She is, isn’t she. That’s what this is all about?”

I nodded weakly, as usual finding it hard to gather my words, “I don’t want them to hurt you, like they did Luka...surely...”

“You think seeing my brother die didn’t increase my resolve? You think them sending, against every rule there is to my little sister off to die in their sick...” I put my hand over his mouth and he wrenched it down, looking at the long line on one arm, my remaining pink scar from my latest breakdown.

“They make us watch it every year, they killed my older brother, our brother and they’re going to kill you.” Tears were rolling down his high cheekbones, “I am not going to do nothing, not anymore. This is organised, this isn’t just angry words like Luka, it’s more than that.”

“You to keep them safe, and Mom. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

“Can you promise me you’ll come back a second time?” His eyes we weary.

“Don’t do that to me Thom, this isn’t my choice!” I could feel my voice growing frantic, the thought of losing him, of them inside losing everyone was unbearable, “Don’t you dare do anything stupid while I’m in there.”

“You just pretty much told me you’re planning on dying.”

“I’m not planning on anything, I’m being realistic!”

“Realistic? You spent the last five years of your life in some kind of daze, don’t suddenly decide to be rational now!” His shoulders dropped, we were both breathing heavily, standing upright, him on the cobbled path and me on the middle step.

“On the day of the reaping, leave straight away, with the money and go somewhere quiet.”

“Everyone knows who I am, if they didn’t already they do after Luka, the whole district, including all the new peacekeepers know.”

“Finnick’s sister lives close to the border...”

“I know where Finnick’s sister lives.” He pursed his lips, “But I can tell you right now there is no way we would get out of the District, no chance in hell.”

“I...” I sat back down heavily, head in my hands as he joined me, “You need to be safe. I can’t deal with any of you getting hurt, please Thom?” I leant out, gripping his much larger hand. He held it tightly, “I can’t promise not to do anything if the opportunity arrives.” I lashed out at him and he winced, “We’ll take the money and lay low okay, we’ll go up to by Bathilda.”

“Thankyou.”

A couple of minutes passed in a silence that unusually became less awkward as it grew, thankfully it was him that broke it and it was if the entire conversation had never happened, “So you’ve been doing good with training, yeah?”

“I think so.”

“I’d say good but in the circumstances...” I shot him a guilty smile. I suddenly wanted to tell him thinks I normally wouldn’t. “Things are weird with Finnick and me.”

“In what way?”

“He...he said he’s going in, regardless of the name pulled out.” The stress lines on his forehead reappeared, “Is that for you or for her?” The jealously hit me hard until I realised exactly who he met, Twelve, Katniss. “Her.” I answered, “but...” I drew blood from the inside of my lip.

“He’d never hurt you in a million years.” He’d misread me, “You’re not stupid you know that.”

“I know he wouldn’t.” I argued, “I... don’t know how I feel about him.”

He chuckled loudly, making me jump, “Yes you do. Don’t be so obtuse.” I scoffed at him, “It’s pretty obvious from both sides.” He laughed again at my face, kissing my forehead as he stood, “I forget how naive you are sometimes.”

“Fuck you.” I whined, letting him pull me up, “I’m not naive Thom.” He shrugged, backing away.

“I’m tired, I’ll see you in the morning, we brought eggs with us, good for protein right?” The tear tracks still etched on his face betrayed that.

“Yeah I guess,” I mused, “What did you mean with...” he shook me off, closing the front door behind him and leaving me outside. So it was obvious how ridiculously head over heels I was for the most eligible bachelor in all of Panem. The most damaged and abused one. I groaned.

I had to talk to him. I wasted another few minutes outside before just letting myself into his house, trying to scramble words together that made sense. A way to approach him. I didn’t have to say anything, I crept up his stairs and he obviously didn’t hear me until I knocked on his ajar bedroom door.

I heard a gruff call to come in and did. The room was farm, a weak fire lit, several sweet smelling candles emitting flickers of light. “Hey.” He offered, sitting upright instantly, “About earlier...”

I shook my head, not letting him talk, “My brother is part of a group of delinquents with mockingjay tattoos.” He nodded his head, looking a little shocked.

“That’s...”

“Yeah.” I pulled a face, scratching at my wrist. “I’m sorry I freaked out earlier.” He patted a spot beside him on the bed and I took it, crossing my legs so I was facing him. He opened and closed his mouth several times, it was adorable to see him struggling to speak for once, he was always so charming, so good at saying what had to be said in the right way. The struggle made him look so...human, unsure.

I wanted too, so badly.

For once in my life I just reacted, leaning up on my knees stretching forward and joining our lips.
It was a terrifying couple of seconds until he responded, and rejection had already been stabbing at me. Thankfully he didn’t. It was soft at first, and I finally felt everything you were supposed to, my whole body was aflame, aching for him. He sat up suddenly; make me rest back on my heels before it grew more hectic, desperate.

I needed him.

The sheets were a cool relief on my back but they were also an inconvenience, trapping him and keeping him from me. He flipped me suddenly, strong arms managing it easily, struggling to tear the cover out of the way. I giggled, the connection breaking for a moment as I shuffled so he could finally shove them to the bottom of the bed, his lips fiercely meeting mine again.

I gasped into his mouth, being propelled further into his body, his hands was sliding down my back and cupping my behind, dragging me as physically close to him as possible. Chests squashed together, my legs wrapping tightly around him, scared he was suddenly going to let go, toss me away.

Instead I was again slammed onto my back with a squeal that made us both laugh, before that instinct was back and his hand were sliding up my waist, searching for some kind of zipper. “It’s on the side.” I breathed, although it hitched in my throat, already missing the instantly heat of his body as he climbed off of me, helping me too my knees and twisting me so I could see out of the window.

He pulled the zip of my playsuit down slowly, the way his fingertips grazed over my ribs so slowly was painful, but I knew if I tried he’d simply push my hands away. Eventually it was done and he moved all of my hair over one shoulder, laying a kiss on the other that made my eyes roll back.

But then he changed his mind, and I felt it. His thumb rubbed over where he has kissed as if to wipe the act away, the other played with curls that had slipped back over my shoulder blades. I felt the drop in mood, not needing his stumbled apology, it was odd, to feel as if the roles had swapped.

The dismissal and rejection was a sting, the poison from it seeping through me.

“Okay.” I managed, swallowing several times to keep my voice strong. “Fine. Can you?” He lifted my top from where it had fallen back to my shoulders, and I lifted my arm a fraction so he could do up the zip. My insides burnt with the need for him and the embarrassment he had caused.

Of course he didn’t want me, why would he? I’d caught him unaware, he’d let himself get carried away. Everything was a mistake, him kissing me was, he’d tried to apologise for it, probably to tell me exactly what, how wrong it was.

He was just lonely, as I was, as we all were. I didn’t move, watching a streetlight a few flicker over the small alley behind our large gardens. “I don’t want to hurt you.” He sounded years younger,as naive as Thom claimed I was.

And he was right; I was naive to believe he’d want this, with me of all people. I was his friend, I knew that, but there was no way any sane person could look past my various breakdowns, ways of coping with the games. He’d seen me in worse states than anyone else, and he’d helped me through them.

He thought of Mags as a mother, I was no doubt the twisted little sister.

But I was getting better, this wouldn’t ruin that, it couldn’t. I had to keep my mind clear, my thoughts coherent and most importantly I had to keep the ability to speak rather than retracting backwards. Not after everything and everything else that had to come.

I ran my hand through my hair, not caring if it hit him in the face. I didn’t want to speak first, do anything first. It wasn’t fair but I was so stupid to expect what I had and how I did.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said again lamely. He was still up on his own knees, if I leant back a little I could rest on his chest. I wanted too, but I didn’t. “We both know I’m not a virgin Finnick.”

“And you know that isn’t what I meant.” He practically spat. The light flickered again before going out completely. I felt like that was a sign it was a good time to go, to bury myself in humiliation until the sun came back up. “Can I go home?”

“Oh...” I could imagine his tongue darting over his lips, “Of course, I...” I stood, knowing sliding past him would be far too awkward for either to us. And in truth I didn’t want to see his face or meet his eyes. I had to look like I didn’t care, not that every butterfly in my stomach had crinkled and fell down dead into the acid. I crawled awkwardly around him, his mattress was so thick and soft my knees and hands left indents.

I wanted him to catch me more than anything, I wanted him to spin me, kiss me. Tell me there was some way to avoid it all, that we could escape Four, escape Snow and escape the games.

He did catch me, but not with the right words. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let...”

“You understand how confusing you are right?” I couldn’t stop my words being sharp, “And I know the whole world drops at your feet Finnick but I’m not going to be one of them.”

A glimmer of a different emotion hit his face and I frowned, feeling my resolve, the strength I was holding tightly onto too slipping away. “Good. I’d never want you to be.”

“Then why did you kiss me?!” He dropped my wrist and I held it next to my body, waiting for his response. He shrugged, and acid lifted up my gut. “I wanted too.” He said eventually, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, avoiding my eyes. ”I shouldn’t have, but I wanted too.” He spoke softly, and the ache hit me again.

“Obviously not that much.” Was all I managed, I could still feel his hands on my back, my hips, like pins and needles.

“That’s not it at all Elenia.” The hand moved onto his face, pinching his lip, “You know where I’m going soon.”

“We’re going.” I said automatically, “Don’t try that again.” He ran his tongue over his teeth but let that aspect go.

“It’s going to be so difficult and with everything going on...”

“You don’t want to over complicate it with this.” I gestured between us sarcasm dripping, “That would be believable if you hadn’t kissed me first.”

“You kissed me as well, so why did you do that?” I hated the little smirk that he greeted me with.

Because I’d wanted to for months, longer than that.
Because I was terrified we were going to die and I’d have lost an opportunity.
Because I wanted to feel like somebody properly loved me for a while.

Because I was stupid.

I opened the door again, hearing him stepping behind me but staying silent as I dodged the question.

“Don’t wait for us tomorrow.”