Suffocate

It had been awkward, but not as much as I had expected. He was trying, that was for sure, several opportunities when beforehand he would have fiddled with my hair, or touched my shoulder passed with no contact. And he was being a little overly polite.

I was glad we weren’t going to let it hang over us, but at the same time ignoring it completely felt a little odd. We weren’t supposed to have secrets, we’d agreed that before, straight after my reaping when they had both decided I was the tribute to try the most with. But now there was this, something we were clearly imagining had never happened, as much as I still wanted it too.

And whatever else he was hiding from me regarding this little plot involving Katniss Everdeen.

I sighed, I hadn’t been able to sleep much the night before, and tomorrow was the reaping. I couldn’t lie to myself about it anymore.

I had what, less than a week before I’d be standing on that little platform, watching the clock count down, the pile of weapons enough of a sprint to draw everyone forward.

I shook it off, taking another sip of orange juice. I’d stopped stockpiling things the month before, suddenly aware I wouldn’t need too, it would just be a waste of food. “We’re going to start packing soon,” Rita approached carefully, “Thom wants to know if there’s anything...else you want us to take.”

“Whatever any of you want.” I said lightly, the taste in my mouth growing sour, “Anything.” I forced a smile. She nodded awkwardly, nibbling her lower lip.

“If you’re sure...”

“If it happens how we think I won’t be needing any of it.” I hated the little creak that echoed in my words, the slight whine lifting at the end. But I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening anymore.

“Okay. Thom...ordered a car to take us from here to Bathilda’s after the reaping, what if...what if it isn’t you Elenia?”

“It will be, it has to be.” I finished the conversation, standing. “I’m going to go for a run, clear my mind.

“Don’t be long, you should be with him.”

“I will be.” I almost snapped, struggling not too, “I just need a few minutes okay? This is difficult.”

She just nodded in response, letting me slip on trainers and leave the house, tugging my hair up into a tight ponytail with the band around my wrist. I had less than twenty four hours until I’d be leaving District Four.

And never coming back.

I swallowed back the shiver and pinpricks of tears again. I’d done most of my goodbyes, the girls had come around, the friends from school I’d grown apart from. I hadn’t seen them since I had bumped into them at the Market.

I hadn’t gone to Clara's event. She didn’t seem concerned about that, but I was touched by how bothered they seemed to be I was going back in.

Promising to do what they could for my brother if times got hard.

Not that I told them where they would be going. If Snow or the game makers got any idea of what was happening, the aim to keep her alive I couldn’t risk it being greater knowledge. Actually I was touched by the little things that reappeared, the bread came back, with a scrawled note wishing me luck if I got called up. A few people I hadn’t spoken too in a long time appeared, if only for a few minutes.

I felt a lot more valued than I ever had.

My feet hit the old path in slams, it lead down a mile or so away from the Victors Village, the opposite was to the rest of town. It was pretty much empty down here, the land filled with patches of gardens, it was where fruit grew in the high temperatures of summer as it was now. It had a permanent fragranced scent that began to wash away as I reached a wider road, a few people on bicycles heading to one of the preparation and delivery factories.

I had never been a fan of the stench of dead fish. It had probably only been about a mile and a half either way, but it was enough and it seemed to help, allowing me to almost feel nonchalant as Thom took a few old photo albums, laughing as we gazed over pictures from childhood.

I frowned, “There should be one here, from your wedding.” I pouted, searching for it behind others. “Where the fuck has...”

“Don’t worry about it.” He said softly, pulling my hand from it’s search softly, “I’ll look after the rest for you.” That was another thing, there was no talk about death, even though between the two of us it was all but certain.

I was scared of it again.

The clock chimed past twelve am and the two of us were still sat sloppily in my living room. The weather of all things playing lowly in the television, simply for background noise. “What time is it tomorrow?” He asked stiffly, staring into the unnecessary fire, it was mid-summer now, baking in the day and not that much cooler at night time.

"Ten, Naloh is getting here about eight, he always pops round to check everyone is ready for it.” Thom nodded, “And then we’ll leave about nine, ten minutes to get there, twenty setting up, twenty more signing everyone in...”

“I know how it works, I’ve been to more than you.” His voice was gentle, little more than a whisper that gave me goose bumps.

“Not like this...” I looked at him, he was pale, bags heavy under his eyes a give-away he was sleeping as little as I was. “You should go to bed, it’s late...I’ll see you about seven, I’ll have to get up to shower and everything.” He nodded, rubbing his hand over his stubbly chin. “Is everything you want packed?”

“Yeah, by the door. The cars getting here about nine, waiting until afterwards.” I ran my tongue over my teeth, “Great,” I glanced at him again, patting his arm close to where the offensive tattoo was hidden, “Go to bed you look exhausted.”

“I should be telling you to go to bed, big day tomorrow and all.” He would have been convincingly non-chalent if his voice hadn’t ended with a shake. “I’ll be up in a bit, I promise, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“If we could escape over the border, would you?” I was a little put out by his question and shrugged.

“And escape where, into Ten? Wouldn’t make any difference.”

“What about the other way?” he turned, looking far more awake, twisting a leg under his body, “You know what everyone says about that ship, that found land, land that wasn’t Snow’s.”

“And they all died Thom. I don’t know what your little rebellion group is planning, and I have no idea what Finnick’s is doing either....” I pouted, “Are they the same, do you know what’s happening in the arena?” His face went blank instantly, “Thom?!”

“It’s safer you don’t know all of it, just in-case.”

“Thom, fucking seriously?” I pushed his grabbing hands from me, “I am sick of being kept out of the loop, I am going in there, I am putting my life at risk for whatever this is! I am not being lied too!”

He swallowed hard, and I knew I had won him over, persuaded him, “Don’t tell Finnick I told you, he didn’t want you to know.” I scoffed, “To keep you safe, if it goes wrong the less information you know the less the Capitol can punish you...”

“If what goes wrong?” The room felt silent, all I could focus on was waiting for his next words, finally being able to see the wider picture. “Katniss Everdeen isn’t going in to win, she’s going to be kept alive to escape the arena and be taken somewhere safe.”

“Nowhere is safe! You know that.”

“District Thirteen.”

“There isn’t a District Thirteen, where are you getting this from?!”

“That doesn’t matter,” I went to argue, “Please, that’s it, I know what Finnick told you and it’s true, its imperative she stays alive. And to me most important thing is that you do, so please stick with Finnick. He’ll keep you safe.”

“He can’t promise that.” I fell back against the cushion, my heart racing at this strike of ridiculous sounding. There wasn’t a Thirteen, it had been demolished years ago, reduced to ashes, they showed in on the news every year as another reminder of Snow’s power.

“Well, he did. You can’t say anything. Swear it?” He held his hand out flat and I was suddenly five again, looking across at my big brother, promising to pull another prank, promising not to tell Luka who would get us in trouble with Mom. I tapped his palm, sliding mine away so our fingers touched and our pinkies curled, shaking up and down three times before breaking apart, palms hitting again.

Everyone did it at school, it was way of making that promise, securing a childish deal.

When I looked up at him through blurry eyes I could see the tears in his. “I won’t tell him, but I’ll do it...are...is part of your plan getting to Thirteen?”

“Eventually.”

“If it works will I see you there?” He nodded, and I ran my tongue over my suddenly dry lips, tasting salt. I hadn’t even realised I was crying. “You should still go to bed.” I tried to joke, standing, my foot was numb from how I had been sitting, pain twitching in it as I wiped under my eyes.

He stood opposite me, dragging me easily into him, tucking his chin on top of my head. Suddenly every emotion in me just burst, “I’m...I’m so scared Thom....”

His hand rubbed the top of my back comfortingly, “Me too.”


The clock chimed one before I stood again, the fire was dying, the weak light making my eyes strain to see properly. But there was nothing see but shadows, silhouettes of the object scattered around the room. Nine hours. I couldn’t just wait in here.

I groaned, pacing back and forth, looking out of my window there were no lights in the houses opposite, but I doubted many would be sleeping, not the day before. But they didn’t know for sure, they weren’t starting to regret that decision and then hate that regret. I ran a hand through my hair, feeling it get caught as usual and tearing it out, wincing as several strands came with it.

I had to be outside, the room felt too small, there wasn’t enough air. I was on the verge of a panic attack.

I stumbled to the door, hand over my mouth to keep the gaping breaths and gasps quiet until the door closed behind me and I sat on the top breath, head between my knees, counting between each breath until I stopped heaving. There were still slight rasps in-between deep breaths.

I wanted Finnick. But he lied to me, so many times, he tried to get my brother lie to me.

I could see his reasoning but I didn’t like it. I wasn’t some pathetic child to be protected...or was that how he saw me? Is that what he meant by not wanting to hurt me? I’d proved time and time again anything could set off an attack, a meltdown that led to a painful silence, scratches on my upper thighs.

That was exactly it, I was so stupid. He cared about me too much, not the other way around.

Rita had been so fucking right the day she had screamed at me. I sighed, my eyes prickled again but I forced myself to my feet, happy for the coolness of the concrete under my uncovered feet.

I moved onto the path, the grass at the front was starting to die now, looking after it or hiring a gardener had been the least of my worries. I trod on it, it was dry, crushed into shorter blades under my feet. I heard the splash, my head twisting, it was caught on a breeze, dancing past me.

There was only one person who would be in there at this time and it was exactly who I wanted to talk to. To say what, to apologise for forcing myself on him, for everything selfish I had done, how selfish I was.

He had lied to me.

I wanted to tell him I knew, that it was stupid. How on earth were we going to escape the arena, it was impossible. But then, I realised with a little sarcastic smile I couldn’t control, I was going in there prepared to die. At least now I knew exactly why.

But District Thirteen? I couldn’t get my head around it, they had dropped bombs all over it, scared of what they possibly produced there. There couldn’t be a District Thirteen, more people would know, it couldn’t just stand there without the Capitol destroying it again, could it?

I sat on the edge of the pier silently, he didn’t seem to know I was here. Messing around with water aerobics I had never seen anybody else do quite as smoothly and easily. He could be a merman, if the stories parents told you were real and they lived deep under the sea.

He lied to me. Because he thought it was helping me.

I couldn’t be mad at that, even if part of me wanted to be.

“Isn’t that cold?” I lifted my voice, finally catching him as he fully emerged, hair slicked back with the water, the moon hitting him in a way that made my fingers clench tighter onto the planks.

“A bit, it’s not too bad.” He didn’t look too surprised to see me to be honest, but then I used to half live here, “Do you ever wonder what it would be like if it snowed this far south?” He lifted a brow, swimming over closer so he could stand easily, my feet just touching the waters surface and his chest. “Like in Twelve, how it was on my Victory Tour.”

“I didn’t think you liked it.” His head tilted and I shrugged.

“I didn’t like anything then, I only realised how beautiful it was when we were back.”

“You’re cold blooded, you complain at the slightest drop in temperature, you would drive us all mad.” I kicked at him and he caught my foot, “Don’t deny it.” He smiled at me and I felt my stomach quiver, cocoons bursting.

I scolded myself mentally. “So, you couldn’t sleep?” I wasn’t allowing this to be awkward, not now.

“Not really no, “ He flung himself onto his back, cool water spraying me and making me squeal, kicking out again at him. He stayed on his back, floating easily, turning himself with just his hands so he could look up at me.

“You want to come in?” I shook my head, but his hands had already hooked around my ankles, “Didn’t you say this pool was your favourite place in the world?” I went to retort but he yanked me down, and I fell flatly into the water, feeling my feet hit him as I kicked into a vertical position, breaking the barrier of the ripples. “For fuck sake Finnick!”

“You kicked me in the eye!” He whined, rubbing his face. Odd, hysterical giggles burst from me and I moved closer to him so I could stand, the water dancing around my shoulders, “Let me look.”

“Better not have blinded me.” I prodded his chest, ignoring the way it made my finger fizzle and pulling the hand away, “Are you blind?” He shook his head and I rolled my eyes. “Then deal with it, I don't think it will affect your pretty looks too much.”

“Honestly, you’re so caring, you should be a healer.” I giggled again, sinking under the water again so I could push all of my hair back, it was still cold but bearable, a nice sort of cold. It seemed to have forced everything from my head, only leaving here and now.

“I’d make a great healer.” I continued, pulling hair off of my forehead, squeezing the mass of it tightly. “I think you’ve officially ruined another dress.” I said, tugging at the sleeves that clung to my skin uncomfortably tight.

“It was a nice dress.” He offered and a glimmer of the awkwardness returned, I cleared my throat, hoping it would do the same to the atmosphere. “How long have you been here?”

“Don’t know, what time was it when you left yours?”

“About five past one.” He grimaced, “I know, I have to get up at seven to do my hair.” I pouted and he smirked, “Luine isn’t coming is she?” I shook my head.

“But can you imagine what she’ll say if we get there and I haven’t made any effort, she’d had a fit and I can’t be dealing with that as well.” I knew it sounded ridiculous, but I was clutching at straws.

“Can you help me take it off?” The line between his eyebrows appeared suddenly, “It’s really heavy, I can’t do anything in it.” I spun, pouting at him before I did, “And I won’t be able to lift it over my head.”

“Sure.” He almost stammered and I smiled unfairly. I couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t sent a spark through me. “Put your arms up.” He said and I did, my dress was heavy and it would have been difficult to get off myself.

Not that that was the only reason I asked him.

Selfish, so very selfish. I went to tell him to stop, to apologise but he had already gripped it from where it floated around my waist, coming easily up my body, his knuckles grazing over my sides and making me inhale a little sharply. “What?” He asked with concern.

“N...nothing.” I stumbled, swearing internally at myself again. I was so obvious, so pathetic.

“Oh...alright, watch your face.” Instantly any idea I had had of the act being sexual was gone as I was left gaping into the fabric, plucking stray clumps of hair from my face once I was free of the oppressive fabric and it was tossed back up on the pier.

“Thank you.” I said carefully, so clueless of what to say should I turn round I did what I knew and dived under the water, covering the length of the pool easily. Swimming didn’t need conversation, explanation, it was just natural and he bobbed up in front of me a few seconds a later, my back pressing lightly into the bank which ended just over my head.

I was struggling to stay above water, my tip toes barely reaching the bottom, he noticed, grabbing my waist and holding me a few inches higher. He didn’t mean anything by it, that was clear, but his fingers tightened when he realised the position we were in.

“Sorry.” I was instantly, earning a frown.

“I hate it when you apologise for everything.” It was far more than teasing, it was admittance.

“I have a lot of things to apologise for.” I blurted, “Like...this.”

“Everyone has things they’re sorry for.” It stung and I swallowed it down, “You’re too sweet, you know that?”

I snorted against myself, “Sweet? I have never heard that one, I’ll give you that.” He lifted a brow, “Sure, I mean, awkward, troubled, anti-social and a bit of a fu-“ One of his hands left me, but the other scooped me up and into him, my legs anchoring around his hips to keep me above water.

The free hand lay a finger on my mouth, shushing me. “Shut up.” He said simply, pulling it away and replacing it with his lips.

It was that moment it was supposed to be, almost.

Either way a few minutes later I was left gasping his name into his mouth, underwear floating several metres away.