Commit This to Memory

Beep. Beep. Beep.

My eyelids flutter open. Where am I? I cough. Try to sit up. There is a tube sticking into my arm. My head hurts. I look around. Where am I?

The room is white. A curtain hangs to the right of me. I'm hooked up to machines. OK, I'm in a hospital. Think Justin. What did you do now? I remember Betty dropping me off. I was falling, crashing. Took too much too fast.

Now I'm here. How did I get here? Am I still alive? How am I still alive? Someone is sleeping in a chair. Josh. How did I miss him? I feel sick. Really sick. Mentally and physically.

He wakes up, looks over. "You're alive," he says. He sounds surprised. So am I. He says nothing else. There is a mixture of hate and sadness on his face. I don't know what to say. "I'm sorry" doesn't even cover what I did.

Josh gets up, hands me an envelope. Says he's going to stretch his legs for a bit. The envelope is blank, unsealed. I pull the paper out of it. It's a letter. It reads:

"Dear Justin,
I'm sorry I have to write this in a letter. I wanted to wait but I don't know if can talk to you right now. Sitting in this hospital room, I'm trying to think of how I can break the news to you. So I'll skip the metaphors and just tell you. This whole thing has confused and scared me Justin. I don't know what to think anymore. I just need sometime alone to sort my thoughts out. I know it sounds bad but please don't take this the wrong way. I love you, but I don't want this to get in the way and hold us down from something. I don't want this to be the end for us. Please understand.
-Betty"

The letter falls from my fingertips. I feel numb. I can't cry. I hate myself for not being able to. My brain won't let me comprehend the fact that I've just lost the thing that mattered most in my life.

Josh walks back in. I say, "I really fucked up big this time." He just nods solemnly. I want to get better. I want a drink. "How long have I been here?"

"Two days."

I groan, want to disappear. I can't stand myself anymore. I've lost Betty for a few minutes of mind numbing bliss. I'm the world's biggest idiot.

"Look," he says putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'm not going to yell at you for this. I think you've suffered enough." I fight the urge to roll my eyes and retort back. What does he know about suffering? "So we're just going to check you out of here and try to move on with our lives."

"I suppose you'll want me to go to AA or some stupid shit," I say bitterly, folding my arms across my chest. He's getting angry. "I don't need help Josh. I'm fine, I don't have a problem."

"You almost died!" he shouts. "And it's not the first time either! How is this not a problem!?"

"So I get a little carried away sometimes..."

"Sometimes?!?" He throws his hands up in the air. "You're impossible you know that?"
He takes a few deep breaths to calm down. "You just lost one of the most important things in your life. For what?" He lets that question hang in the air for a few seconds then storms out.

He is right. He is absolutely right. But it's not any easier to accept.
____________________________________

I wake up surrounded by fluffy white sheets. Bright sunshine streams through an open window. It's the middle of December and it's 70 degrees outside. It's the perfect picture of tranquility. I love California. My peace didn't last long though.

"Bethany!" I hear my mother's cry as she flings the door open. I sit up at full attention. "Where have you been? You disappear at the end of August and now four months later you show up without a word of warning!" My mother, the drama queen. She could care less that I'd been gone, she only cares about what people and the tabloids say. I wish I had a video camera so I could show everyone what their beloved actress, Diane Evans, was really like.

She keeps going on about "so and so said this..." or "then they said..." for what feels like forever until she looks at her watch and says she has to get to the set. I hate California.

I crawl out of bed and throw some jeans and a shirt on. My room is roughly half the size of Justin's apartment. It's weird to have so much space to myself. It's weird to be back home period.

Most of the rest of my day is spent in the theater room watching movies. A clever way to stop thinking about everything back in Minneapolis. Around 9, I decide it's time to sleep but I'm stopped by another cry from my mother. "Bethany!"

"What?" I shout back.

"I have a surprise for you!" Instantly I fill with dread. Her surprises are generally never good for me. Slowly, I walk to the foyer. Mother is there accompanied by a tall thin man. He has short rust colored hair and glasses. His clothes and hair look so casually thrown together; I know that he must have spent hours trying to get it right. "You remember Sam don't you? You two grew up together. He was your childhood sweetheart."

Sam blushes slightly. I shake my head and rub my temples. "How many times do I have to tell you? I have amnesia; I don't remember anything before a hospital room in Minnesota when I was 19." She just brushes it off and he looks even more embarrassed.

"Well," she says as she leaves. "I'm sure you two have a lot to catch up on."

Sam and I stand there awkwardly for a few seconds. "I'm sorry about that," I say, waving in the direction Mother just left. "She never listens."

"She never has," he says, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"I feel bad though, because I know you have all these memories of me but I have none of you."

"Well," he says rocking back on his heels. "I gave you your first kiss when we were 8. You yelled 'Cooties' and punched me in the face. You broke my nose."

I fight to keep a straight face. A laugh escapes anyway. "I am so sorry," I giggle. He laughs too. He's cute when he smiles. "What else have I done?"