Commit This to Memory

I am the worst person on the planet.

Second to maybe Hitler, or some other crazy fuck-head.

What I'm doing is pure evil.

"My favorite food?"

"Sushi." Pasta.

"Right." I smile at Sam and he beams back. He's giving my feet the best massage in the world and I'm grilling him about me. Pure evil. "Favorite book?"

"Something by that one poet, Brichowski?" Trick question, I don't have one.

"It's Bukowski, you twit." I kick my foot up, laughing.

"What's with the sudden quiz here Beth?" His tone is playful, but I can tell he's serious.

I can't look him in the eye. "I don't know. I was just curious to see what you knew about me."

The speaker next to me let out a wail. "Charlie must be hungry," I mutter, attempting to get up. Sam holds my feet firm. "What?"

"Look," he says softly. "I've tried to make this work, but it's time for you to make a choice." The wailing grew louder.

"Please, I need to go take care of him."

"He can take care of himself. You don't owe him anything, he ruined your life." Neither of us are talking about the baby anymore.

"And I ruined his. Now let me go!" I push his hands away and get up. "What's gotten into you lately?" I ask as I turn to go.

"I'm not him, and I never will be. So stop trying!"

Once I'm out of his sight, I increase my pace and start crying. Sam's right, and I didn't mean to but that's what I'd been hoping would happen. Justin would have known the answers to all those questions. Questions Sam could never begin to answer.

When I get to the nursery, I dry my tears. The pain grows with each step I take towards the crib. "Hi Charlie," I say picking him up. He looks so much like his father.

I sit in the special nursing chair that's supposed to make everything easier and more comfortable, and start nursing him. I quietly sing Ben Folds' "Still Fighting It". Sam walks into the room a few moments later and sits across from me.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Don't be," I reply. "You were right." He smiles sadly, like he expected that answer. "I can't do that anymore."

"Glad to hear that."

"I'll start moving out tomorrow." He didn't expect that answer.

"What?"

"It's unfair to keep doing this to you. And I don't know how to stop, so I'm just going to leave while I get my head around things. I'm sorry, you're the last person I wanted to do this to."

The next day most of my stuff is packed and Charlie and I are en route to Anna's. When we get there she takes one look at us, understands, and I break down.
______________________________________

In mid-March, I stop breastfeeding Charlie. Mostly because I'm tired of doing it and have pasted the minimum 3 months but also because I want to try something.

I want to know what it was like. Why he felt the need to do it. I need to experience his side of the story. And I'm nervous as fuck.

Obviously no one can know about it. Word would get around and then I'd be in for it. I've already bought some. I'm just waiting for a day when Anna is off doing something else. Motion City Soundtrack has a show in town one day and she goes to hang out with them for the day.

It's my chance. I drop Charlie off at a daycare explaining that I have to work and no one can look after him. I give them a paper that has everything important on it and dash back home.

This is it. My big moment. My hands are shaking as I tap out lines. The similarity between hardcore users and the newbies, shaking. I roll up a 20 dollar bill. My breath comes in quick and shallow. I almost back out but then I shove the makeshift straw up my nose and snort a line.

The pain is unbearable for a couple of seconds. Then I start to feel it. Euphoric is too small of a word to describe this state. Everything just felt so fucking good. Why had I never tried meth before?

I snort another line. I want to run, dance, roll on the floor, paint. I want to use this feeling to it's full potential. But I don't know what that would be.

There's a knock on the door. A tiny part of my thinks that this is weird but most of me is bounding towards the door. "Hellooo?" I sing when I open the door.

It's Justin. He's standing there awkwardly. "I heard you were in town and I just wanted to see you," he mumbles.

"Oh." On any other day this would have been uncomfortable and we probably would have fought. Today I just chirp, "Want to make muffins?"

"I- What?"

"Mufffffiiiinnnnnssssssss," I elongate. "They just sound sogoodrightnowdon'tyouthink?"

"What the fu-" He gets a good look at my eyes. "Oh my god. Holy fucking shit." He pushes himself into the house. "You are tweaking right now aren't you?"

"Um I'm not sure what that means, but I did just do a few lines of meth." I giggle. "It's no big deal though, you did it all the time."

"Yeah 10 years ago! I've been on and off since then!"

"Still, I wanted to see what the big fuss was." I stick my tongue out at him. I feel wonderfully impish.

"You...stupid!" I've never seen Justin so angry before. "I can't count all the times I've nearly died because of this shit! It's awful! I wish I never started!!"

"I don't feel awful. I feel fantastic!" I twirl around to show how fantastic I was.

"Wait an hour or two, when you feel so fucking low you want to die." He grabs the rest of my stash and heads towards the bathroom. I follow him. He's holding it over the toilet, about to flush it. But not before I see the conflict in him to keep it and use some. Justin must've noticed because he drops it a second later. "There," he says.

He starts to say something else but I cut him off with my mouth. I wrap my right leg around his hips and push him against the wall. I'm suddenly very horny. Our teeth clash together. His hand grabs my hair tightly. My hands have snaked around his chest, I start to pull his shirt up. I can feel his erection through his pants.

Then he abruptly pushes me away. "What the fuck are we doing?" he pants.

"What does it feel like?" I grin as I start undoing his belt.

"No stop it." He pushes me away again. "This isn't you, this is the drugs. OK? You just need to stop."

He is so right. I feel like I'm about to cry. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright, I'll just stay with you until you sober up. That sound good?"

I nod. "Hey Justin? Could you not tell anyone?"

"Your secret is safe with me."