Commit This to Memory

I'm making breakfast for a woman I'm most likely still in love with and she could probably could care less about me. A woman who has lied to me about so much. This is what my life has come down to.

I hear her come back to life. "Hurts like a bitch doesn't it?" I call.

"I want to die," she groans. She sounds awful.

I put her breakfast on a plate and grab some utensils and napkins. "I told you it sucks. Over the year I've found the best remedy is to take more but as it stands," I say as I walk over to her. "You'll have to deal with this. Works almost as good. Eggs, bacon, and waffles, with extra grease and syrup. I know it seems nasty, but you'll feel so much better." Betty slowly starts to sit up. She looks terrible and beautiful at the same time. My anger at her seems to evaporate seeing her like this. "Normally I would've made pancakes," I ramble, to keep my mind occupied. "But I know you don't really like them." She just continues to stare at her food. "I haven't poisoned anything, if that's what you're worried about." This seems to amuse her and it feels like a win.

After a few bites she goes pale. "Where's Charlie?" she asks. She had to bring him up. My mood darkens but I'm careful not to show it.

I manage to say, "It's okay, he's in the bedroom. The daycare called your cell phone and I went to pick him up." I pause to let the next part really sink in. "Cute kid."

She looks extremely uncomfortable. I can't help but think she deserves it.

"Should we talk about the elephant in the room?" She mutters.

"Finish eating, I can wait," I say through gritted teeth. She takes forever to eat. So when she finally puts the last bite in her mouth I say, "So..."

"So," she mumbles, nervous.

Now I finally get some answers.

"Care to explain yourself? You do owe me that. Care to explain why my son is asleep in the other room?"

"He's not yo-"

"STOP LYING TO ME!" I yell, jumping up. "I WANT THE FUCKING TRUTH! JUST FOR ONCE!" Why can't she just come out with it?

Betty fidgets with her fingers. "You weren't supposed to find out... We had already broken up when I found out and I just didn't want to bring it up..."

"You didn't want to bring up the fact that I was a fucking dad?" I lean in so my face is inches from hers. "I asked and you lied to me!" She shrinks away and I storm to the other side of the room. I'm never going to get a straight answer from her and it infuriates me. "Why? Why did you lie? Why did you drop off the face of the world?"

"You want to know why I left?" She says suddenly and storms out of the room.

While she's gone I fume. All she's going to do is come up with an excuse.

"This is why," She says when she comes back holding an envelope. "But I want to explain. Once, you were hurt so bad. I can tell from your lyrics." Where the hell is she going with this? What the fuck does my history have to do with us? "I just didn't want that to happen again."

"A little late for that," I mumble. Every song on "Commit This To Memory" had a part of her in it. Just like "I Am the Movie" had parts of Liz. And I'm sure another girl would come along for our next album.

She shakes her head and continues, "I didn't know what happened back then, and I wanted to protect you. But it seems you don't want that." She holds out the envelope. "I didn't know." I grab it and look inside. There are pictures. Pictures from college. Me holding a beer and laughing with Liz's arm around me, half of my and Liz's faces. "I didn't know it was me," she says as I find a picture of Liz biting her thumb and smiling at the camera. It used to be my favorite picture. She's lying on our bed, vibrant red hair splayed around her face like a halo, she's wearing a black tank top and (although you can't see it) blue and orange striped underwear. I was straddling her when I took the picture. We had sex right after. This was before everything went bad. It was one of the happiest times in my life.

Looking at in now, the resemblance is uncanny. My eyes are watering.

"Was any of it real? Was any of it true?"

"I don't know," Betty says and I realize I just said that last part out loud. "I don't remember back then. All I know is what we had last year was real. But I didn't know how you would react to this news and I panicked."

I don't care what she has to say anymore. She's the one who ruined my life. I remember the day it happened.

"Justin come here!" Liz called when she came home. I'd been smoking and drinking Mountain Dew all day, trying to write a screenplay. "Check out what I got!"

She's holding a small paper packet in her hand. "What the fuck is that?" I said as I lit another cigarette.

"Coke!"

I stared at her in disbelief. "Why the fuck would we want that? That shit's poison."

"Not so!" She protested. "I've heard it's amazing! And I just want to try it, see for ourselves." The way she was looking at me, I couldn't say no...

"I'd like you to leave now," I tell Betty/Liz without looking up. When I finally do she's carrying Charlie in her arms. My son. I yell and flip the coffee table up. She's gone. And I'm furious at myself. Furious at everything.

"Fuck!"