Remember To Breathe

I'd like to say that my next class went as smooth as my first class did. But I'd be lying to myself, which I never did. Well, I tried not to. Throughout my English class, people kept on coming up to me, asking how I was as if they even cared to know. And since I wanted to start my beginning of the new semester fresh and without any problems, I told them I was 'tired'. Trust me that shut them up.

Right after I arrived into the classroom, I was approaching my Calculus teacher, when the first bell rang signaling first lunch. And noticing the group of kids leaving, I figured that my class was in first lunch. I went out into the main hall near the cafeteria and silently waited for Jillian. Looking at all of the people passing by made time go slower, especially since they were all staring back at me. It made me feel alone, unwanted, pathetic. She wasn't coming, she was kidding. That's how the movies went; there weren't nice girls in high school.

What was I thinking?

I was just about to walk off until I heard a familiar voice coming towards me.

"Hey, stranger."

I smiled and turned around to see two familiar faces.

"Hey," I greeted Dane and Jillian, feeling my stomach flipping in the air.

Since when did my stomach get a mind of its own?

"I have to go, I just wanted to check to see how my old friend was." he said turning to me and smiling.

He's never done that before.

I nodded at him, and Jillian walked to my side.

"And we'll meet after school, Jill?" he asked turning to her with a serious demeanor on his face.

"Library, three o' clock." she confirmed their plan and Dane walked off.

"Sorry about that, I tutor Dane in Physics on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays." she said as we walked outside to a picnic table near the trees.

"I always remembered Dane being good in sciences." I recalled smiling of all the good memories of the past.

"I didn't even know you knew him." she laughed as we sat down at the empty table.

"Long time ago." I said, accentuating the word, 'long'.

She laughed again and started playing with a leaf. "Hey, I have an idea,"

I turned to her to listen.

"After I'm done tutoring Dane, do you want to buy some clothes for you that fit?" she asked smiling, pointing at my oversized sweatshirt and baggy track pants. I looked at my own attire and silently agreed with what she suggested. Ever since I reached the tenth grade, I never felt the need to dress up for anyone. I never had people to impress, so why bother spending so much money?

"Okay, but I have a very low budget." I said and she smiled.

"Hey, this is my treat to you." she offered and I slightly frowned.

She obviously noticed my tension and lowered her voice. "Are you alright?"

"I just don't like being treated as a charity case." I whispered and she frowned as well.

"I know what you mean Mari, and trust me, I don't do that to people."

I smiled and looked at the tree above us. "Did you ever hear what happened to me in November?"

She shook her head and I laughed.

"Well, after all the rumors came out, everybody pretended to care about me. Although no one ever knew who I was before."

"Ouch." she said quietly.

"Well, I just didn't know if you were talking to me because you felt bad for me." I admitted and she smiled.

"My friends and I don't listen to what other people gossip about, and if they even dare to bring it up, I'll smack them silly."

This caused me to laugh a little too loudly. A group of people walking up the hill looked up at us and Jillian waved them over. I was guessing that the group of three people was her friends.

"Mari, this is Dylan, Phoebe, and Audrey." Jillian said introducing her friends to me.

I smiled and began to talk to each of them, to try and learn something about them.

The first person I spoke to was Phoebe, she was short, five feet to be exact. She also had deep blue eyes and light blonde hair. She had a fair complexion with no blemishes whatsoever. She was also almost too kind, every time we would start a new topic to talk about, she'd point out something about me that she loved.

"Mari, your hair is so pretty!"

"Thank you."

Dylan also had blonde hair and the same eyes Phoebe had. They also had the same complexion. Unlike Phoebe, he was very tall; I think he mentioned something about being over six feet. He was hilarious and loud, and also sweet like Phoebe. I didn't know much else about him, except he was in love with Paul Simon, as was I. He was pretty close to being my favorite person so far.

Audrey was something very different from the other three. She told me that she was a peace activist and she hated labeling herself a feminist, but she couldn't deny that she wasn't. I never really understood the situation that people had with feminists. She was also just as tall as Dylan was, give or take a few inches. She had black hair, hazel eyes, and a flawless deep complexion.

Don't get too excited, they're not even your friends.

I blocked off these daily pessimistic reminders that would pop into my head. I didn't even think them, they just came, and they stayed.

It's not pessimism, it's reality.

All I had to do was ignore the thoughts and I'd be fine.

Liar.

"--your classes?"

I looked up completely dumbstruck to see four eager faces looking at me for an answer to a question I didn't hear.

"Huh?"

Phoebe cleared her throat and began her question again. "How are your classes?"

"Oh," I said. "They're good."

They still looked at me.

"Well, other than the fact that I have to sit next to Jillian." I attempted to joke.

They were still silent until Dylan cracked a smile. "Yeah, she does smell pretty bad."

"Asshole." Jillian muttered while she was still smiling.

Ten more minutes went by and it made me wish that lunch could be never ending. The bell rang a few moments later, signaling for the students in second lunch to come. I said my farewells to the new group of people I met, and started to go inside to get to my Calculus class. When I finally reached the room, there were only as few students sitting at their desks, so I used this as my opportunity to finally talk to my teacher.

I approached her desk and quietly cleared my throat. The teacher had wrinkles on her forehead, and brown hair turning grey. She looked nice enough, and so far today, my judgment had been pretty good.

She looked up through her thick rimmed glasses and smiled at me. "You must be Mariana Hastings."

I smiled and nodded.

"I am Mrs. Hatfield."

I nodded once more and she began to speak again.

"Well, I remember seeing you in the halls all the time, and the principal informed me of what happened, so I'll make sure that nobody bothers you with questions." she said and I smiled again.

"Thank you, so much." I said and she laughed.

"Think nothing of it, dear." she said and started to survey the desks in front of her.

She raised her eyebrows and pointed to the center desk in the back of the room. "Why don't you sit over there?"

I nodded my head in agreement and walked over to the desk and sat in the center seat.

As more people came into the class, I became more anxious and my breathing pattern was becoming unusual again. That was another downfall of mine; my anxiety. It was never this bad until last year. Whenever I got nervous, I would start freaking out, hyperventilating, and over the years it progressed into something more serious. The one thing my mother told me was to just remember to breathe. Slow breaths were the best, she would always say.

I looked at all the new people entering the room and I couldn't put a name to any of the faces coming up to me. I found it funny, how I almost knew everyone in my first class, but not a single person in this class. They all started talking, coming up one at a time. They would approach my desk, open there mouth, turn around and then leave. It struck me as odd at first, but then I remembered what Mrs. Hatfield had said before.

You know you love the attention.

Not true.

As all of the students began to sit down at their desks, I saw one familiar face walking to my desk.

"Hey, you're in my seat." he said cracking a smile.

I couldn't help but smile when I was around him, which was weird now, since I hadn't for nearly three years.

"Get a new one?" I suggested.

"Nah, I'll just sit next to you."

"Okay."

So there we were, in complete silence while Mrs. Hatfield droned on about her lecture. It was weird, just sitting there, not being able to say anything. Not that I had anything to say in the first place, but ever since this morning, I've been trying to think of something, anything to say to him. So now, I just had to sit there, in complete confusion on why I felt like this.

And I didn't like that at all.

"Are you alright?" Dane asked me.

I looked up to see him standing, putting his notebook in his book bag. I looked around and noticed everyone else leaving the classroom.

"Did the bell ring?" I asked him and he nodded.

I quickly grabbed my bag and left the classroom after giving a farewell to the teacher. I was halfway towards my next class before I heard footsteps closing up on me. I turned around to see Dane catching up to my pace.

"You are too fast." he said in taking as much air as he could.

"Just in a hurry," I responded and took a sharp left.

I didn't know exactly why I was avoiding him, I just was. I didn't want to be around anyone, especially him. He was the one that my made my anxiety go up. It has always been that.

He must've noticed my turn because when I looked over, he was racing up to me again. "Where are you going?"

"Class." I answered.

"Do you want me to sprint with you there?"

I stopped suddenly and looked at him. "I am not sprinting."

"You're running away from something." he said, grinning again.

He grins too much.

You love it.

God, that gets annoying.

"Or someone." I corrected, instantly taking that back.

"Harsh, Mari." he said, obviously taking what I said as a joke.

I was about to walk off again, until he grabbed my shoulder. I froze up.

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today, and I don't know, talk?"

"I can't." I answered and started to walk off again.

I turned around, waiting for him to try and catch up to me, but he didn't. He was gone. And a new feeling came over me, and sadly, it wasn't relief. It was regret. I could've put thought into my answer, I could've told him I'd think about it. I could have had my old friend back. Now, part of me was hoping that he would come back and persist more into mending our old friendship.

Or at least, I thought it was friendship.

You're kidding yourself, why would he want to be friends with you again? He already made that mistake once.

"Shut up!" I shouted at nobody.

I guess they were right after all.