Remember To Breathe

Now I knew that everybody was going to treat me differently tomorrow. I considered this to be a good thing and a bad thing. Now, I would be left alone, but that was viewed as a pro and a con. I didn't want to be bothered with all of these obnoxious and intruding questions, just because they wanted something else to talk about. If people were going to approach me, they had better have something good to talk about. But the con was that people already viewed me as strange, but after my near freak out, they were going to think I was crazy. Which I mostly was, but we can talk about that later.

All I wanted to do when I got home was just sleep and wait for Jillian to pick me up.

When I got home, my parents bombarded me with questions. I decided not to tell them about what happened in the hallway, they didn't need anything worrying them. Plus, it wasn't that big of a deal. They wouldn't need to hear about that for a while.

"Did you make any new friends?" my mother asked me as I went to get a glass of water.

"Yes," I answered her.

She laughed with joy and ran into the kitchen where I was.

"Well, she's actually picking me up in half an hour, so I'm going to get ready." I said, making my way around my mother's suddenly fallen face.

"Does she know?"

I sighed and sat down on the stool next to our table. "No."

My mother looked at me and I frowned.

"She didn't ask!"

"Well, that's good," she said walking back out of the kitchen. "You can tell her when you're ready, dear."

Trust me, that won't be for a while.

I'd be ready once I was over it myself. Which I would expect would take a longer time. People can wait for the truth; they've been doing it for thousands and thousands of years.

Plus, she'd run away if she really knew what happened.

"No." I whispered to myself.

"No, she wouldn't."

I left my glass of water and ran upstairs to get ready.

Forty-five minutes later, we were pulling into the parking lot of the mall. I was more than excited that she didn't ask once about my incident in the halls. For that, I was grateful to have her as a friend. And what I really needed right now was a friend. But if she knew who I really was, she wouldn't want anything to do with me.

So I wouldn't tell her anything, not just yet.

"So, we won't be that long, we'll just get you the basics." she said.

I nodded and smiled.

"Let's go!" she exclaimed and jumped out of her seat.

Four hours, six stores, and three hundred and fifty nine dollars later, I had about two weeks worth of clothing. To me, that was beyond outrageous, but Jillian said that it was a reasonable price for clothes like these. So I guess it's normal for other girls.

And we all know I am not even close to normal.

When I returned to my house, I tried to sneak in and not have to explain to my mother on how I had six shopping bags filled with new clothes with me.

"Hey, Mari."

There goes that plan.

I turned around to match the voice with my father, and I let out a small sigh of relief. If my mother had caught me coming in the house late at night, she'd probably be thrilled that I had friends, but then furious because I came in late. My dad was nothing like that; all he ever really cared about was my safety. Not when I came home, but whether I came home or not. That was the one thing that ever really pushed him over the edge.

"Isn't it a school night?" he asked, rubbing his sleepy eyes and yawning.

"Uh, yeah." I said and he smiled and started to go up the stairs.

"Well, I'm glad you had fun, but if you don't wake up tomorrow, I'm not driving you in." he said, coming back down and giving me a hug.

"Goodnight, Mari." he yawned and headed up to my parents room.

I smiled and silently crept up to my room, praying that I wouldn't wake up my mother. When I finally got to the end of the hallway, I checked behind me to make sure that their light wasn't on. Having my mother interrogate was bad. But then having to be lectured because I let some girl buy me clothes? I'd be up all night listening to her. Something I definitely didn't want to do.

I headed into my room quickly and shut the door. I went over to my cell phone to check it. It wasn't like anyone called it, though. I only had it incase I was in an emergency situation, and I needed to call someone. So really, the only people that knew the number were my parents and other family members.

And apparently Dane.

He had left six messages on my phone, which really surprised me. How did he remember my number? You would think that he would've forgotten everything about me, since he didn't want anything to do with me in the first place. But now, it was weird. He was trying to make plans, trying to call. What next, apologize? I doubted that, I really did. Oh well, I might as well listen to at least one message. Then I would delete the rest.

"Mari, I know why you didn't want to give me another chance to explain myself. But you need to trust me now, I have changed. I'm sorry for hurting you when we were freshmen and I really want to make up for it. Please call me back."

I wasn't falling for that.

I wasn't stupid.

I knew exactly what he was going to do. His friends wanted another reason to outcast me, so if he knew I really was insane, everything would be gone. All of the little things I was working up to. All of the new people I had met, the chances I had at scholarships. My confidence, my sanity, my happiness.

Gone.

There was no way I would give him the satisfaction of messing up my life even more.

Quit lying to yourself.

"I'm not lying."

Yes, you are.

"No, I'm not."

I was. I was lying to myself. But why? Why did I need to tell myself that I didn't want any friends? I did want friends; I needed friends. I didn't understand why I kept on telling myself that I would be better without them, that I would have no need for them.

Everything I've told myself was a lie.