There Is No Arizona

Growing up, I had a friend who was; actually in retrospect she was really bad ass. Now, please don't misunderstand me when I say bad ass. I don't necessarily mean that she was a tattoo and piercing junkie or a daredevil or insane or entirely reckless, I mean she did amazing things, she was a bad ass, a survivor.

If you think about it, Alyssa isn't really anything special. She's just a girl from Flagstaff, Arizona. Her life doesn't mean a hell of a whole lot, she's not going to be written about in history books or anything. Still, she was my first friend. There we were one day, at three years old, playing in the sandbox of a local park and a girl came up to me and stuck her lollipop in my hair.

Alright fine, she is a little reckless, a little bit of a daredevil, and now that we're grown up she does have a few piercings and tattoos; but this girl, this little brunette with the bluest eyes I've ever seen, came up to me at three years old, stuck her lollipop in my hair, looked right at me and said, "I'm Alyssa and now you're my friend."

At three, who can argue with that logic?

So we were friends from that day forward, on the pinky promise that she would never put a lollipop in my hair again.

A few years later Alyssa and I started kindergarten. We were in the same class all through elementary school, and sometimes, only sometimes Alyssa would have bruises and cuts in strange places. Once or twice, may three or four times, she had a cast. I would ask sometimes and she'd just say she'd gotten hurt playing, or she'd fallen, sometimes it was out of a tree, sometimes it was down the stairs, sometimes she'd say she'd tripped over her shoelaces and hit the ground pretty hard.

Now, seeing Alyssa interact with the world around her on a daily basis, I could believe it. She is clumsy as all hell, but still, sometimes the stories were just a little far fetched. Being a kid, I didn't really question it though, I thought she trusted me and so she had to be telling me the truth even though it was a little odd that she never wanted to be at her house, and would much rather spend time with my family. We got older and closer and as the years passed we stopped being little kids and started being Middle School students. The bruises and broken bones seemed to keep getting worse.

During the three years of middle school Alyssa changed, completely. She stopped being loud and happy and carefree. She was more reserved, more quiet, less determined. The fire that I'd seen in her eyes that day in the sandbox was dying. She didn't express herself a lot, she always had a notebook that she would scribble in, usually it was blank or filled to the brim. Alyssa can't draw, she's always been a stick figure with a wobbly spine kind of artist. She like to write though, maybe it was just to make sure her hands were still working but she was always writing. She loves music, she can't carry a tune and she doesn't understand notes, and heaven forbid she ever picks up an instrument, but she loves the sound of it. She had a variety of tastes usually ranging between country and punk rock. I couldn't tell if she was still getting hurt as much. A few times she had casts, but she always wore long, dark clothes. She had perfect grades, and she must have read every damn book in the library. So it was a good thing we were going to high school.

In high school a lot of things changed, the big one was Alyssa and I weren't together all the time anymore. She took Drama and I took band, she took French, I took German. We only had English and Lunch together. It wasn't much, but it was better than not getting to see my best friend at all. She still got the best grades and tried to cram as many classes in as possible. She tried to be in almost every club, she went to every football game with me, and the even the ones I played in, she tried out for every play, she did everything and I thought that maybe, just maybe she was coming back. I didn't realize that she just didn't want to go home.

I asked her out a few times, she politely turned me down. She said she had too much work to do, not enough time for dating, her parents didn't want her to date. Alyssa gave me any excuse she could to not date me. I asked her to every dance, but she never said yes, she never even went. In between the times I asked her out, I dated other girls. Only for short spurts of time, and they were usually cheerleaders. Two years passed like this, and still every once in a while she would come to school with a cast.

The summer before we started Junior year, Alyssa's mom filed for a divorce. I wasn't entirely sure why, but Alyssa seemed quietly glad about it.

The day before we were supposed to start school, Alyssa's mom called my house. When my mom answered the phone she listened for a few minutes, slowly sinking into the chair next to the table with the land line on it. She put a hand over her eyes and motioned for me to come get the phone.

"It's for you," she whispered. "It's Mrs. Miller, it's about Alyssa."

I took the phone and walked into the living room, plopping back down into my spot on the couch.

"Hey Mrs. Miller, what's up?"

My mom stood up, and went into her room. I could here her shuffling through her purse for her keys and going into her closet.

"Tommy, Alyssa is in the hospital." she said, it sounded like she was crying. "She's in a coma. I know you're her best friend, I think you should come visit her." The statement hung there, almost as if it was unfinished.

"I'll try to be there soon. Thanks, Mrs. Miller."

My mom walked out of her room as I hung up the phone.

"Put your shoes on, and get in the car." She said, heading toward the kitchen for a few bottles of water; weird quirk about my mom, even in disasters she always takes bottles of water if she's going to be in the car.

Now, my mom knew Alyssa. Alyssa was kind of like the daughter my mom always wanted but never had. I think Alyssa looked up to my mom in a lot of ways, even if she was always skittish around my dad. My younger brothers looked up to her too. They thought she was cool, they always wanted to sign her cast. Alyssa loved spending time with them, she babysat them with me when my parents were out, sometimes I think maybe she was lonely, Alyssa didn't have any siblings. But Alyssa was always, just another part of our family. So on the way to the local hospital my mom was crying. I thought maybe, she knew more of what had happened than I did. I sat in the passenger seat thinking Alyssa must have just fallen again, and hit her head really hard. Maybe, she wasn't looking where she was walking and got hit by a car, I wasn't sure. But I knew she'd been hurt plenty, and Alyssa was a survivor.

When we got in to see her, she was in the ICU strapped into all kinds of wires and tubes.

"They're keeping her sedated, from all the injuries, they want her to heal." Mrs. Miller told us.

"What all's wrong?" my mom asked.

"She has a few broken ribs, one punctured a lung, but they've patched it up. Her leg is broken, her arm, she has a bad concussion and her skull was cracked. The side of her face is pretty beaten up but they managed to reconstruct most of it. She was in surgery all night."

All night, that meant that whatever had happened to Alyssa, happened after she left my house yesterday.

"What happened?" I asked.

My mom and Mrs. Miller looked at each other. My mom shook her head, and Mrs. Miller looked over to me.

"She was walking across the street and she got hit by a car, wasn't watching where she was going apparently." Her voice was shaky, and she wouldn't look me in the eyes. I got the feeling I was being lied to, but I just nodded my head.

A few hours later my mom and I went home. I didn't sleep well that night. The next morning I got up and went to school, driving my old truck that my parents had gotten me for my sixteenth birthday. When I got there, Alyssa's mom was in the office waiting to talk to the principal about how Alyssa wouldn't be in for a few weeks. I greeted her, and she smiled softly at me looking older than I'd ever seen her. She looked tired. I shrugged it off, knowing that she probably had been staying at the hospital with Alyssa.

"How is she?" I asked, sitting down next to her.

"Healing, there haven't been any complications, the doctors feel confident that they should be able to wake her up soon." she answered.

"When?"

"They're thinking of Wednesday." She smiled a little as she said this.

"I'll be by after work today to see her."

"I'm sure she'd like that."

"I'll see you later Mrs. Miller." I picked up my bag and left the office, schedule in hand, trying to find all of my new classrooms.

That day in class, I didn't really pay attention. I was lost in thought about all the different things that had happened to Alyssa over the years. All the little pieces were starting to come together. By the time the final bell rang and I was heading towards football practice I thought I had figured it out. Maybe, through all of these years, Alyssa's dad had been hurting her. Her mom always seemed nice, quiet, timid, maybe she was being hurt too. I wasn't sure, but that was my theory.

Football ended at four, work ended at eight. I called my parents to let them know I was headed to see Alyssa and should be home in an hour or two. They said it was fine, as long as I remembered to eat something.

That night I sat by Alyssa's bedside. Her mom had finally gone home, probably for a shower and a half decent night of sleep, sure to be back by five the next morning. I sat there and I talked about school, I talked about my theory, I talked about the future. That night, sitting next to Alyssa while she slept I talked more than I really had in years. A few nurses came in and out, checking her vitals and renewing her fluids.

After a few hours, I left. I went home, showered, and checked my phone. A few text messages from Maria, the girl I was dating at the time, asking where I was and why I wasn't answering and if I wanted to hook up. I decided that the next day I was going to break up with her, I needed to give Alyssa all of the attention I could, she would need me.

The next day at school, I got a text from Mrs. Miller saying that the doctors had decided on waking Alyssa up on Thursday. I decided to ask my mom if I could ditch school and work that day to see her. I was pretty sure my mom wouldn't mind, hell , she'd probably be there with me.

At lunch I broke up with Maria. The excuse I gave her was that I just didn't have enough time on my hands for a girlfriend. She knew, of course, that the truth was I only honestly loved Alyssa. She yelled at me and made a scene in front of the whole school, but it didn't matter. That evening after my shift, I went to visit Alyssa again, this time her mom was there. So I finally had a discussion I'd been dreading with her mom, why wouldn't Alyssa date me? Mrs. Miller stared at me, good and hard for a moment or two, and finally she sighed.

"Tommy," she started. "Alyssa has loved you, since the day she figured out that she could be in love with someone. Her father was just too strict to let her date anyone. Now that he and I are divorced, I sincerely hope that she will date you, and I know that if she does, she'll be happy with you."

After that we were quiet. I left about an hour later with a promise I'd be back tomorrow, and that I'd try to be here all day on Thursday.

When I got home that night I told my mom and dad that they were waking her up on Thursday, and I would honestly like to be there all day, if I could. My parents agreed to call the school for me and said that if Mrs. Miller didn't mind, I could stay with Alyssa Wednesday night, but I had to call into work sick.

Wednesday morning dawned and I shuffled through school. My grades weren't perfect, like Alyssa's but I managed to keep a B average and they were good enough that I could still play football. The day went by slowly. Football practice seemed to drag on, even work seemed like it was taking longer than it needed to. Finally, I was free to go see Alyssa. When I arrived at the hospital, her mom was leaving. She said she was going home to get some of Alyssa's stuff, hoping to make her more comfortable in the hospital. I told her that if it was alright with her, I planned on staying with Alyssa tonight, and I'd be here tomorrow. She said it was okay to stay, Alyssa would probably want me there, and that she would sleep at home and be back in the morning.

After sitting next to Alyssa, I pulled a book out of my bag. She'd given it to me a few years previously, she'd said it was her favorite classic. So I sat, and I read her The Hound of the Baskervilles. I don't think I slept at all that night.

The next day, they woke Alyssa up, and aside from being a little uncomfortable from the pain she said she was feeling fine. She told her mom not to worry, to go home and rest. Once her mom had heeded her instructions, Alyssa looked at me and sighed.

"Sit down," she murmured. "I"ll tell you the whole story."

So I sat in the chair next to her bed, and over the next few hours she explained.

Alyssa started off by telling me that before her parents met, her father had spent some time in prison. Her mother didn't know until after Alyssa had been born. Her father like to drink a lot, and when he drank he got violent. At first he was just rough, sometimes he would push her and she would fall or he'd grab her arms too hard and she would get bruises. Then the first time he broke her arm, he'd pushed her down the stairs. Alyssa went through and told me stories of the multiple times he'd hit her and hurt her and broken her bones. As she told this story I came to understand her withdrawal better. She told me that the reason she couldn't date me, or go to homecoming with me, or even go to homecoming was because he'd threatened her. Finally, her mom was tired of being beaten and seeing Alyssa hurt so earlier that summer, Mrs. Miller had filed for divorce, and last Sunday, it had finally been settled. Alyssa and her mom got everything but her dad's old Chevy. That meant they got the house, the money, Alyssa's car, and her mom's car. When she came home Sunday afternoon she got out of her car, that was parked across the street because the driveway was full of some of her dad's junk, her father had been pulling out of the driveway, he saw her, and decided to run her over with the car. Alyssa said, that even though she was so hurt, she was glad he had done it. At least now he was in prison.

Throughout this story I'd started to cry. Here in front of me was the most bad ass person I knew. The most amazing girl that could have ever existed. I picked up her hand from where it was on the bed and I promised her that from that moment on I was always going to protect her. I would always be there for her, and I would always love her. I told her that I wanted her to be more than my best friend. I told her for the millionth time that I was in love with her, and for that day for the first time, she told me she loved me too.

A few years went by and, though we were still together, at eighteen she started smoking. She said that she didn't believe in counseling and she wasn't really in need of medication, but smoking helped keep her together. I let it slide, because I love her and if it makes her happy, then I guess it's okay. Plus, it wasn't really illegal or anything; she was eighteen after all.

That year after graduation, we went up to the Grand Canyon and got a hotel room for the weekend. A few days later we were walking around and Alyssa was smoking, in the end she through the still burning cigarette butt into the Grand Canyon. Sometimes we look back at that story and laugh. That was the day I got on one knee and asked Alyssa to marry me.

Now, we're a few months out of college, having graduated from Northern Arizona University. Alyssa is a certified teacher and we're moving to Tempe so I can go to Law school at Arizona State University.

Today however, all of the stress of moving isn't important. The music starts to play and I turn around as Alyssa comes floating down the aisle in a beautiful white dress, with the bluest eyes I've ever seen and the biggest smile on her face and I know, I've finally made her happy.

And I will always keep her safe.