Illusion

‘It isn’t right,' she thought, as she sat up in his bed. He'd fallen asleep a good half hour or so ago. She very rarely ever fell asleep after they fooled around; yet she could never bring herself to get off the bed and leave.

How did it get this far? She couldn’t even answer her own question. One minute, he was just a friend, comforting her after a rough breakup. Next thing she knew, he became her knight in shining armor, her diamond in the rough, her prince charming after so many frogs.

She’d fallen in love. But he didn’t love her.

He wanted her. And that was good enough for her. Being wanted was better than nothing, right?

But after each time he’d lay her on the bed, each time he’d kiss her everywhere, each time he’d call out her name, she’d feel disgusted. The guy who she hoped would treat her like a princess was treating her like a common whore. And worst of all, she was letting him.

She hadn’t meant to let it get this far. Truth be told, neither had he. It was supposed to be a short fling, just until he got back together with what’s-her-name or she got a real boyfriend. But the other girl just didn’t want him back anymore, and since the fling had began, she hadn’t paid attention to other guys. Not one.

There was one thing she could be proud of, though. He never touched other girls. Sure, he’d look at them. He was never subtle about that, even if the two of them were hanging out. He’d flirt too, either in person or online. He had cute girls throwing themselves at him and he embraced it. But she was the only one he’d kiss, hold, have sex with. ‘For now,’ that cynically realistic voice in her head cut in.

But still, it wasn’t what either of them wanted. He wanted to date any of the gorgeous girls who thought they were too good for him. She wanted to be with him - heart, body, soul - the whole nine yards. But she knew it wouldn’t happen.

That couldn’t stop a girl from dreaming, though, could it? And when she spent the night, it was so much easier to dream. She could imagine that he fell asleep after a night of making beautiful love to her, that he was hers forever and she couldn’t sleep because she was overwhelmed with happiness. She could imagine that maybe she had a drawer in his room, and that she had accidentally-on-purpose found a beautiful diamond ring in his sock drawer the other day.

It was useless to imagine, though. Illusion never changed into something real. She knew this. That’s why she made a vow to herself to end this. It wasn’t healthy, letting him use her like this. She didn’t even want to think about the fact that he was using her in the bedroom he used to share with her. So tomorrow, she’d end it, tell him she wanted more and knew he couldn’t - or maybe just wouldn’t - give it to her. Maybe she would even encourage him to try even harder to get back with that gorgeous model ex of his.

She looked at him, and was surprisingly met with a sleepy set of brown eyes looking up at her from his pillow. “You’re up?” she asked.

"Did you know you fidget when you’re deep in thought? You woke me up with it five minutes ago," was his answer.

She must have been really out of it not to notice his eyes on her for the past few minutes. “You’ve been watching me think for five minutes?” she asked, semi-teasing.

He didn’t answer, instead slightly nudging her down into a laying position. “Go to sleep; it’s late.”

She should be annoyed by him avoiding her questions, but she’s just so used to it by now. She settles down, cuddling into him. She lays her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he wraps his arms around her and falls asleep once again.

‘Tomorrow,’ she promises silently. ‘Tomorrow I’ll end this, for good.’

But for tonight, she can enjoy her illusion.