Status: OneShot
Blackbird
Blackbird
How had it all come to this?
I looked back to see that Nick had a bleeding wound above his left eyebrow. The blood had smeared all over the cheek. He was panting heavily and his eyes were fixated, not on me, but my brother.I had raised my arm and my hand lay on his chest. I could feel his fast heart beats.
“Let me go!” My gaze rotated back to my brother. He was held back by one of his friends, and another one showed up to help restrain him. Their grip was the only thing keeping my brother from jumping Nick yet again.
My brother, Sean, had a cracked lip and a deeper scratch on his cheek. I couldn’t understand how the two of them had caused each other that much injury in what felt like seconds. I quickly turned back to Nick and our eyes met. “Don’t… let me deal with Sean; he won’t listen to you right now.”
Nick frowned and touched his wound with his left hand. “What makes you think he’ll listen to you?”
“I have to try.” Our discussion was cut short when the headmaster and professor Jennings showed up.
“What is going on here?” professor Jennings deep voice silenced the crowd that was quickly gathering around us. I could see Holly and Georgina staring at the three of us, none of them seemed happy, just shocked mostly. And I knew Wesley wasn’t far away either. I couldn’t look at him now; I think I’d turned to stone if I did.
The headmaster and professor Jennings stopped a couple of feet away, waiting for Nick and Sean to calm down. None of them spoke one word.
“Sean just ran up to Nick and started hitting him…”
“But Nick hit back…”
“Sean screamed something about Nick and Maggie…”
“Nick hit back just to defend himself…”
Everyone else seemed interested in answering the question, but as they all spoke up at once, nothing made sense.
“You three, to the office, now!” The headmaster pointed towards us and one by one we left the courtyard. I saw Wesley as I walked behind Nick. Every emotion he felt was readable from his face: anger, shock, surprise, hurt, betrayal…
I remembered when I first met Nick five years ago.
It was a warm summer day and I was sitting outside by the pool, reading some book. I wasn’t planning on swimming that day, so I just lay in the lounger covered by a shading tree.
The silence was suddenly broken by my brother’s voice, and he wasn’t alone.
“Let’s go swimming, it’s so darn hot!” Sean came out onto the patio wearing a t-shirt and a pair of swim shorts.
“Agreed!” A brown haired boy stepped out of the back door. His hair was longer than my brother’s and a bit messy. I’d seen the boy before and remembered having a small crush on him. The boy ran after Sean and stopped when he saw me.
His blue eyes pierced mine and a smirk appeared on his lips.
“Hello there, you must be Maggie, Sean’s little sister.”
“Yes, and you are?” I tried to sound relaxed, like I didn’t care.
“His name is Nicholas, I’ve mentioned him before.” Sean threw of his t-shirt and was about to jump into the water.
“Just call me Nick. Would you like to go swimming?” He sat down next to me on the lounger, and it made me uncomfortable so I got up to my feet.
“Nice to meet you Nick, but no thanks, I’m just going to continue reading this book.” I didn’t react to what Nick would do next because I was still waving the book in my hand, when he grabbed me under his arm and ran towards the pool. He jumped with me still in his arms, and as we hit the water, all I could think about was that this was a jerk I would never deal with again.
It would soon become very clear that I was wrong.
Both Nick and Sean got a one day’s suspension from school due to the fight, and a month’s worth of detention. I got a warning, even though I hadn’t done anything, but in that moment I didn’t care. All I could think about was the look on Wesley’s face when he realized what had happened.
“You can sit in the backseat, we’re picking up Nick.” Sean closed the passenger seat that I’d just opened. He smiled at the anger that was rising within me.
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not getting into the same car with Nick, and you know that.” I tried to keep my voice steady.
“Then you’ll just have to walk to the beach, because I’m picking him up.” He turned around before I had the chance to answer. “And you will sit in the backseat.”
Nick kept teasing me the whole way to the beach. I was seconds away from blowing off steam when Sean pulled over by the parking lot.
The boys jumped out of the car and left me to pout by myself. I took a few deep breaths and jumped out too. As I shaded my eyes with my hand, someone came up and hugged me from behind. Wesley.
“Hello there Maggie, ready to get beaten in beach soccer today?” Wesley, Nick and Sean were all the same age and played for the same team at our school. I’d met Wesley the first time when I waited for Sean to finish his practice. Since then the two of us had been inseparable. Wesley and I had been together almost a year now.
“If anybody, it’s you who’s going down.” I gave him a peck on the cheek before I ran up to the rest of our big group.
We all played for over an hour before it was decided that it was time to go swimming. Holly, Georgina and Jennah ran down to the water immediately. Sean was not far behind. Nick’s girlfriend for the moment, I think her name was Megan, tugged at Wesley and they ran into the water a few seconds later. George and Logan were the last two in the water.
“Maggie, come oooon! You can’t seriously stay by the loungers. You’re supposed to swim in the summer!” Holly wanted me to join in and Wesley was waving for me to join them, but I stayed put. The water was too cold for me to touch.
I laid back down on the sunbed and just relaxed. There was a light breeze that lifted my long blonde hair in my face, but I didn’t care. The colder breeze went well with the warmth from the sun. I could lie here for the rest of the day.
“You’re going to burn if you lie there too long. Then I’ll laugh.” My peaceful thoughts were interrupted by Nick, and he was blocking the sun.
“For your information I don’t burn easily, so move!” I didn’t even open my eyes, hoping Nick would join the others and leave me alone.
“Why don’t you join the others then?” Nick wasn’t about to leave easily.
“I don’t enjoy swimming and besides, the water is way too cold.”
“And here I thought you liked it.” During the years we’d known each other, Nick would stop by our house almost daily to hang out with my brother. And almost as often Nick would come up with some mischief to ruin my day. He would put bugs under my pillow, steal my clothes and hide them, he would throw water balloons at me, and his favorite thing was to throw me in the pool. Nowadays I didn’t stay by the pool during the summer, because Nick would always find me.
“I see why you would think that.” I tried to stay calm and sat up to look at him. He was sitting next to my sunbed, on the sand. “Why aren’t you in the water?”
“Too cold for me. They’re just stupid for going.” True, but I wasn’t about to admit that to him.
“Even if what’s-her-name wants you to join her.” Nick was known for juggling girlfriends, I was often scared Sean would turn out like Nick someday too.
“She can do whatever she likes, I don’t care.” His attitude was annoying me. “I want someone who can think for themselves, someone that doesn’t wait for me to tell them what to do.” He paused as he walked over to me.
My breath got stuck in my throat as he leaned closer to me. Before I had a chance to react his lips met mine.
Nick’s dad picked him up, so I didn’t have a chance to speak with him before he left. I just hoped he wouldn’t do anything stupid, like try talking with Sean again.
Sean got to drive home, after promising the headmaster he would drive straight home. Professor Jennings offered to drive me home, since my brother wouldn’t even look at me, but I refused to leave before speaking to Wesley. After all this, he was the one who deserved a decent explanation.
I found him walking off school property, alone.
“Wesley wait!” I ran up to him before he had a chance to vanish.
He stopped in his tracks, but did not turn around.
“Let me explain.” I stopped a couple of feet away and tried to catch my breath. Slowly he turned around. A mask of anger covered his usual good spirited self.
“No need Maggie, in this case I think one action speaks louder than a thousand words. Kissing Nick, really Maggie!” He was hurt, and that hurt me even more.
“I’m so sorry…I- I couldn’t…it wasn’t planned…” I could feel tears prickling in my eyes.
“It wasn’t planned, is that supposed to comfort me? I love you Maggie.”
“I love you too Wesley…”
“But…”
“I didn’t want this to happen, but Nick is…” I was trying to gather my thoughts, but I didn’t know what to say.
“Then forget him! Stay with me.” His anger had been replaced by a plea. He walked up to me and embraced me. I could feel my tears fall at the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
“I want to, but it wouldn’t be right, not towards you or towards Nick. You deserve better than half my heart.” I pushed him away, trying not to make it harder than it already was.
“Maggie…” He took my hand in one last effort.
“I’m sorry Wesley…please don’t hate me.” I pulled back my hand and ran, I ran away from the pain of leaving Wesley, but I knew it would be for the best. It was time for me to stop playing with others’ feelings.
We were playing truth or dare on New Years’ Eve at Nick’s house and the bottle had stopped on me. Wanting to avoid anything relating to the truth, I chose dare.
“I dare you to run down the block without your coat.” Georgina was having a field day. She’d made two others run outside in the cold already, and now it was my turn.
“You truly want all of us to get a really bad cold, don’t you?” Georgie was just laughing.
“I’m succeeding quite well so far. So what’s it going to be?”
“Chicken!” Nick was laughing.
“I don’t see you being any braver, sitting beside the warm fireplace.” He was mocking me, so I would truly return the favor.
“You can go with her, to see that she truly walks the entire block.” Georgina was born an evil genius.
“No need to do that!” The last one I wanted joining me outside was Nick. We still hadn’t talked about that kiss, and it had been months. I’d been good at avoiding him, and I wasn’t about to break my streak now. “Can’t Wesley come instead?”
“He would help you out!” Holly was being a pain in the ass.
“It’s Nick or you get a punishment.” Georgina held up both her hands like it was my choice to make.
I gritted my teeth and stood up. Everyone got to their feet but no one joined me and Nick as we stepped outside. It was freezing.
I started walking, and I could hear Nick’s footsteps behind me.
“Wait up Maggie!” Nick gained on me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I stopped and turned around. We’d walked halfway, and I couldn’t see the house anymore. We were completely alone.
“What Nick? What do you want?” I didn’t get an answer, instead Nick grabbed a hold of me, and for the second time our lips met.
I quickly pulled back, breathless.
“No Nick, we can’t, why…”
“I’m falling for you Maggie; I’ve been falling for a long time now.” His voice was hoarse and I could tell it wasn’t easy for him to utter those words.
I didn’t know how to respond, and in that moment, he kissed me again. This time I didn’t pull away. I could feel electricity between us, his hands were warm against mine, and the cold was no longer a problem.
When I got home I could tell that my Mom was confused. I guess Sean was home.
“Maggie, what happened at school today? Sean told me he’d been suspended and he’d gotten detention and then he ran up to his room. Professor Jennings called; he said Sean and Nick had a fight.”
“I’ll explain it later; I need to speak to Sean.” I didn’t give Mom a chance to answer before I ran upstairs.
I threw Sean’s door open and stepped inside. “What were you thinking?!” My voice was louder than I’d expected.
Sean was lying on his bed and stood up when I entered.
“What was I thinking? What were you thinking? You and Nick, seriously Maggie! He’s a manwhore, kissing and touching anything that moves.” His words hit me in the face like a slap.
“He’s your friend, how can you say that?” I raised my voice, and we were both screaming.
“He was my friend until today. You’re my sister, it’s my job to protect you from scumbags, and then you go falling into the arms of the biggest one! I thought you hated Nick!” His anger made it hard for me to stay in the same room.
“He isn’t what you think he is! You only see what you want to see, he’s gentle and caring, but you only see the jerk in him…” My voice fell, drained of the energy I’d mustered before.
“We’ve known Nick for a long time, he can’t change over night!” Sean took a few steps towards me, the anger was gone, now replaced by a need to make me understand.
“It hasn’t changed overnight, it’s been coming for a long time…It wasn’t the first time I kissed him today.” I looked up at my brother “You must have seen him change.”
Sean’s face showed only shock. “How long…”
“Since this summer Sean, he kissed me that day we were at the beach.”
“But…what about Wesley? How can you do this to him?” His words hurt me.
“That’s what I regret the most, but I talked to him, made him understand…”
“You’re sure Maggie, are you sure about Nick?” It seemed like I was able to both calm him down and make him understand, all at once.
“I’m in love with him Sean.”
Sean was grounded for the rest of the week, but I got to leave the house. Later that same evening I was knocking on Nick’s front door. Nick was the one to open.
“Maggie!” His face lit up. The next second he was embracing me. “I was afraid you would be grounded, how’s Sean?”
“I explained to him our story, and I think he understands. But you could have maybe let him down easier.” I pulled out of his embrace to look at the cut. The nurse had cleaned it up and it was covered by a patch, it was swelling.
I raised my hand to touch it. I could see Nick squirm and let go. “Does it hurt?”
“Yeah, and I need someone to take care of my pain.” His voice was ironic, but I played along.
“My poor little Nicky.”
“I got into a fight, got suspended and have detention and I’m grounded because of you missy.” He leaned down and gently kissed me.
“I love you too…” I embraced him and I could hear him laugh. This was where I was supposed to be.
I looked back to see that Nick had a bleeding wound above his left eyebrow. The blood had smeared all over the cheek. He was panting heavily and his eyes were fixated, not on me, but my brother.I had raised my arm and my hand lay on his chest. I could feel his fast heart beats.
“Let me go!” My gaze rotated back to my brother. He was held back by one of his friends, and another one showed up to help restrain him. Their grip was the only thing keeping my brother from jumping Nick yet again.
My brother, Sean, had a cracked lip and a deeper scratch on his cheek. I couldn’t understand how the two of them had caused each other that much injury in what felt like seconds. I quickly turned back to Nick and our eyes met. “Don’t… let me deal with Sean; he won’t listen to you right now.”
Nick frowned and touched his wound with his left hand. “What makes you think he’ll listen to you?”
“I have to try.” Our discussion was cut short when the headmaster and professor Jennings showed up.
“What is going on here?” professor Jennings deep voice silenced the crowd that was quickly gathering around us. I could see Holly and Georgina staring at the three of us, none of them seemed happy, just shocked mostly. And I knew Wesley wasn’t far away either. I couldn’t look at him now; I think I’d turned to stone if I did.
The headmaster and professor Jennings stopped a couple of feet away, waiting for Nick and Sean to calm down. None of them spoke one word.
“Sean just ran up to Nick and started hitting him…”
“But Nick hit back…”
“Sean screamed something about Nick and Maggie…”
“Nick hit back just to defend himself…”
Everyone else seemed interested in answering the question, but as they all spoke up at once, nothing made sense.
“You three, to the office, now!” The headmaster pointed towards us and one by one we left the courtyard. I saw Wesley as I walked behind Nick. Every emotion he felt was readable from his face: anger, shock, surprise, hurt, betrayal…
I remembered when I first met Nick five years ago.
It was a warm summer day and I was sitting outside by the pool, reading some book. I wasn’t planning on swimming that day, so I just lay in the lounger covered by a shading tree.
The silence was suddenly broken by my brother’s voice, and he wasn’t alone.
“Let’s go swimming, it’s so darn hot!” Sean came out onto the patio wearing a t-shirt and a pair of swim shorts.
“Agreed!” A brown haired boy stepped out of the back door. His hair was longer than my brother’s and a bit messy. I’d seen the boy before and remembered having a small crush on him. The boy ran after Sean and stopped when he saw me.
His blue eyes pierced mine and a smirk appeared on his lips.
“Hello there, you must be Maggie, Sean’s little sister.”
“Yes, and you are?” I tried to sound relaxed, like I didn’t care.
“His name is Nicholas, I’ve mentioned him before.” Sean threw of his t-shirt and was about to jump into the water.
“Just call me Nick. Would you like to go swimming?” He sat down next to me on the lounger, and it made me uncomfortable so I got up to my feet.
“Nice to meet you Nick, but no thanks, I’m just going to continue reading this book.” I didn’t react to what Nick would do next because I was still waving the book in my hand, when he grabbed me under his arm and ran towards the pool. He jumped with me still in his arms, and as we hit the water, all I could think about was that this was a jerk I would never deal with again.
It would soon become very clear that I was wrong.
Both Nick and Sean got a one day’s suspension from school due to the fight, and a month’s worth of detention. I got a warning, even though I hadn’t done anything, but in that moment I didn’t care. All I could think about was the look on Wesley’s face when he realized what had happened.
“You can sit in the backseat, we’re picking up Nick.” Sean closed the passenger seat that I’d just opened. He smiled at the anger that was rising within me.
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not getting into the same car with Nick, and you know that.” I tried to keep my voice steady.
“Then you’ll just have to walk to the beach, because I’m picking him up.” He turned around before I had the chance to answer. “And you will sit in the backseat.”
Nick kept teasing me the whole way to the beach. I was seconds away from blowing off steam when Sean pulled over by the parking lot.
The boys jumped out of the car and left me to pout by myself. I took a few deep breaths and jumped out too. As I shaded my eyes with my hand, someone came up and hugged me from behind. Wesley.
“Hello there Maggie, ready to get beaten in beach soccer today?” Wesley, Nick and Sean were all the same age and played for the same team at our school. I’d met Wesley the first time when I waited for Sean to finish his practice. Since then the two of us had been inseparable. Wesley and I had been together almost a year now.
“If anybody, it’s you who’s going down.” I gave him a peck on the cheek before I ran up to the rest of our big group.
We all played for over an hour before it was decided that it was time to go swimming. Holly, Georgina and Jennah ran down to the water immediately. Sean was not far behind. Nick’s girlfriend for the moment, I think her name was Megan, tugged at Wesley and they ran into the water a few seconds later. George and Logan were the last two in the water.
“Maggie, come oooon! You can’t seriously stay by the loungers. You’re supposed to swim in the summer!” Holly wanted me to join in and Wesley was waving for me to join them, but I stayed put. The water was too cold for me to touch.
I laid back down on the sunbed and just relaxed. There was a light breeze that lifted my long blonde hair in my face, but I didn’t care. The colder breeze went well with the warmth from the sun. I could lie here for the rest of the day.
“You’re going to burn if you lie there too long. Then I’ll laugh.” My peaceful thoughts were interrupted by Nick, and he was blocking the sun.
“For your information I don’t burn easily, so move!” I didn’t even open my eyes, hoping Nick would join the others and leave me alone.
“Why don’t you join the others then?” Nick wasn’t about to leave easily.
“I don’t enjoy swimming and besides, the water is way too cold.”
“And here I thought you liked it.” During the years we’d known each other, Nick would stop by our house almost daily to hang out with my brother. And almost as often Nick would come up with some mischief to ruin my day. He would put bugs under my pillow, steal my clothes and hide them, he would throw water balloons at me, and his favorite thing was to throw me in the pool. Nowadays I didn’t stay by the pool during the summer, because Nick would always find me.
“I see why you would think that.” I tried to stay calm and sat up to look at him. He was sitting next to my sunbed, on the sand. “Why aren’t you in the water?”
“Too cold for me. They’re just stupid for going.” True, but I wasn’t about to admit that to him.
“Even if what’s-her-name wants you to join her.” Nick was known for juggling girlfriends, I was often scared Sean would turn out like Nick someday too.
“She can do whatever she likes, I don’t care.” His attitude was annoying me. “I want someone who can think for themselves, someone that doesn’t wait for me to tell them what to do.” He paused as he walked over to me.
My breath got stuck in my throat as he leaned closer to me. Before I had a chance to react his lips met mine.
Nick’s dad picked him up, so I didn’t have a chance to speak with him before he left. I just hoped he wouldn’t do anything stupid, like try talking with Sean again.
Sean got to drive home, after promising the headmaster he would drive straight home. Professor Jennings offered to drive me home, since my brother wouldn’t even look at me, but I refused to leave before speaking to Wesley. After all this, he was the one who deserved a decent explanation.
I found him walking off school property, alone.
“Wesley wait!” I ran up to him before he had a chance to vanish.
He stopped in his tracks, but did not turn around.
“Let me explain.” I stopped a couple of feet away and tried to catch my breath. Slowly he turned around. A mask of anger covered his usual good spirited self.
“No need Maggie, in this case I think one action speaks louder than a thousand words. Kissing Nick, really Maggie!” He was hurt, and that hurt me even more.
“I’m so sorry…I- I couldn’t…it wasn’t planned…” I could feel tears prickling in my eyes.
“It wasn’t planned, is that supposed to comfort me? I love you Maggie.”
“I love you too Wesley…”
“But…”
“I didn’t want this to happen, but Nick is…” I was trying to gather my thoughts, but I didn’t know what to say.
“Then forget him! Stay with me.” His anger had been replaced by a plea. He walked up to me and embraced me. I could feel my tears fall at the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
“I want to, but it wouldn’t be right, not towards you or towards Nick. You deserve better than half my heart.” I pushed him away, trying not to make it harder than it already was.
“Maggie…” He took my hand in one last effort.
“I’m sorry Wesley…please don’t hate me.” I pulled back my hand and ran, I ran away from the pain of leaving Wesley, but I knew it would be for the best. It was time for me to stop playing with others’ feelings.
We were playing truth or dare on New Years’ Eve at Nick’s house and the bottle had stopped on me. Wanting to avoid anything relating to the truth, I chose dare.
“I dare you to run down the block without your coat.” Georgina was having a field day. She’d made two others run outside in the cold already, and now it was my turn.
“You truly want all of us to get a really bad cold, don’t you?” Georgie was just laughing.
“I’m succeeding quite well so far. So what’s it going to be?”
“Chicken!” Nick was laughing.
“I don’t see you being any braver, sitting beside the warm fireplace.” He was mocking me, so I would truly return the favor.
“You can go with her, to see that she truly walks the entire block.” Georgina was born an evil genius.
“No need to do that!” The last one I wanted joining me outside was Nick. We still hadn’t talked about that kiss, and it had been months. I’d been good at avoiding him, and I wasn’t about to break my streak now. “Can’t Wesley come instead?”
“He would help you out!” Holly was being a pain in the ass.
“It’s Nick or you get a punishment.” Georgina held up both her hands like it was my choice to make.
I gritted my teeth and stood up. Everyone got to their feet but no one joined me and Nick as we stepped outside. It was freezing.
I started walking, and I could hear Nick’s footsteps behind me.
“Wait up Maggie!” Nick gained on me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I stopped and turned around. We’d walked halfway, and I couldn’t see the house anymore. We were completely alone.
“What Nick? What do you want?” I didn’t get an answer, instead Nick grabbed a hold of me, and for the second time our lips met.
I quickly pulled back, breathless.
“No Nick, we can’t, why…”
“I’m falling for you Maggie; I’ve been falling for a long time now.” His voice was hoarse and I could tell it wasn’t easy for him to utter those words.
I didn’t know how to respond, and in that moment, he kissed me again. This time I didn’t pull away. I could feel electricity between us, his hands were warm against mine, and the cold was no longer a problem.
When I got home I could tell that my Mom was confused. I guess Sean was home.
“Maggie, what happened at school today? Sean told me he’d been suspended and he’d gotten detention and then he ran up to his room. Professor Jennings called; he said Sean and Nick had a fight.”
“I’ll explain it later; I need to speak to Sean.” I didn’t give Mom a chance to answer before I ran upstairs.
I threw Sean’s door open and stepped inside. “What were you thinking?!” My voice was louder than I’d expected.
Sean was lying on his bed and stood up when I entered.
“What was I thinking? What were you thinking? You and Nick, seriously Maggie! He’s a manwhore, kissing and touching anything that moves.” His words hit me in the face like a slap.
“He’s your friend, how can you say that?” I raised my voice, and we were both screaming.
“He was my friend until today. You’re my sister, it’s my job to protect you from scumbags, and then you go falling into the arms of the biggest one! I thought you hated Nick!” His anger made it hard for me to stay in the same room.
“He isn’t what you think he is! You only see what you want to see, he’s gentle and caring, but you only see the jerk in him…” My voice fell, drained of the energy I’d mustered before.
“We’ve known Nick for a long time, he can’t change over night!” Sean took a few steps towards me, the anger was gone, now replaced by a need to make me understand.
“It hasn’t changed overnight, it’s been coming for a long time…It wasn’t the first time I kissed him today.” I looked up at my brother “You must have seen him change.”
Sean’s face showed only shock. “How long…”
“Since this summer Sean, he kissed me that day we were at the beach.”
“But…what about Wesley? How can you do this to him?” His words hurt me.
“That’s what I regret the most, but I talked to him, made him understand…”
“You’re sure Maggie, are you sure about Nick?” It seemed like I was able to both calm him down and make him understand, all at once.
“I’m in love with him Sean.”
Sean was grounded for the rest of the week, but I got to leave the house. Later that same evening I was knocking on Nick’s front door. Nick was the one to open.
“Maggie!” His face lit up. The next second he was embracing me. “I was afraid you would be grounded, how’s Sean?”
“I explained to him our story, and I think he understands. But you could have maybe let him down easier.” I pulled out of his embrace to look at the cut. The nurse had cleaned it up and it was covered by a patch, it was swelling.
I raised my hand to touch it. I could see Nick squirm and let go. “Does it hurt?”
“Yeah, and I need someone to take care of my pain.” His voice was ironic, but I played along.
“My poor little Nicky.”
“I got into a fight, got suspended and have detention and I’m grounded because of you missy.” He leaned down and gently kissed me.
“I love you too…” I embraced him and I could hear him laugh. This was where I was supposed to be.