I Guess I'll Never Get To Call You Mine
ASHLEY
“My Gawd Ashley this is certainly the craziest idea you’ve ever had,” Carol giggled. She’s always constantly giggling, which gets on my nerves. She also had a brain the size of a pea. But she’s hot and fashionable enough to be worthy of being called my friend (sorry I don’t hang out with ugly people) without having the slightest chance of overshadowing me. “I mean, trying to set up that bassist guy with Aline? What were you thinking?” “It’s the best idea I’ve got,” I said defensively. “The other three aren’t too happy with me when I dumped their precious little sensitive drummer twice. They don’t trust me. But David won’t suspect anything. He’s gone half the time banging girls when the band’s not playing or rehearsing. Besides, I believe I can kindle a spark between him and Aline. Who knows? Maybe they’ll eventually hook up and get married and they’ll have me to thank.”
“You’re nuts,” Violet shook her head. She’s plainer than Carol, and much more brainier, which is what I needed her for. Sometimes when you’re conducting grand schemes you need a sidekick. Unfortunately, she had a tendency to ask too many questions. “Why do you care about this Aline girl anyway? You said she and Chuck never went out. They’re just high school friends, right?” “I can’t risk them getting any closer,” I snapped. “The whole thing is getting out of hand. Chuck never really mentioned her through all of the I’ve known him and now she comes back and then it’s like he’s like neck deep in a sea of nostalgia. They obviously had a thing in the past. There’s no way a girl and guy can be just friends.” “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Violet said, picking up a fashion magazine and already losing interest in our conversation. “In my opinion you should’ve just stuck with Chuck from the beginning in the first place. It’ll cement his loyalty better if you never break up.”
“I had no idea Simple Plan is going to be that popular,” I admitted. “When I first dated him it’s because he had connections to Blink-182. I thought if I could sleep with Mark Hoppus I’d have access to his savings account.” Violet laughed derisively. “If you want to get rich that badly, Ash, go rob a bank.” “Trust me, this way’s better,” I grinned. “Anyways, I dumped Chuck because he became too needy. He kept asking to hang out and all that. I mean he actually enjoys being with me. It’s cute but pathetic. But he’s always had a thing for me. Then I found out that their first album actually did pretty well. I needed money so I took him back on.”
“You then broke up with him again because you thought you had a chance with Green Day’s manager,” Carol said, eagerly. “That guy is like fifty something and he had a potbelly and body odor.” “Who cares? He’s loaded,” I shrugged. “Besides, I don’t have to sleep with him. All I need to do is play hard to get and let him get to second base.” “Yep, and his wife found out in the end and divorced him and now he’s suing so you got back with Chuck so you can use his money to pay off your lawyers,” Carol finished, looking impressed.
“Exactly, which is why I need you to help me pull this thing off. It’s Chuck’s money too that’s been supporting you two,” I said, pointing out my generosity. It wasn’t hard memorizing his credit card and security code numbers. The guy had a lot of money anyway from all the shows he’s been playing and he wouldn’t miss a couple hundred thousand.
“Okay, okay.” Violet raised her hands up in defeat. “You’re supposed to go out with him and Aline and David tomorrow night, right? Why don’t you convince Chuck that those two are going out? I mean, tell them to meet at Le Local at six and let them cozy up with each other a bit and then you and Chuck come at seven and show him how ‘in love’ Dave and Aline are.” “Don’t be silly, Vi, that—” I paused, then thought it over with. “That just might work.” “What? I was actually joking with that idea,” Violet said, surprised. “You’re actually going to play Cupid and make them hook them up?” “That’s not the problem,” I said dismissively. “It’s simple. They didn’t even have to fall in love. Le Local isn’t voted one of the top ten romantic things to do in Montréal for nothing. They have a pretty good specialty: customized dates.”
“You’re nuts,” Violet shook her head. She’s plainer than Carol, and much more brainier, which is what I needed her for. Sometimes when you’re conducting grand schemes you need a sidekick. Unfortunately, she had a tendency to ask too many questions. “Why do you care about this Aline girl anyway? You said she and Chuck never went out. They’re just high school friends, right?” “I can’t risk them getting any closer,” I snapped. “The whole thing is getting out of hand. Chuck never really mentioned her through all of the I’ve known him and now she comes back and then it’s like he’s like neck deep in a sea of nostalgia. They obviously had a thing in the past. There’s no way a girl and guy can be just friends.” “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Violet said, picking up a fashion magazine and already losing interest in our conversation. “In my opinion you should’ve just stuck with Chuck from the beginning in the first place. It’ll cement his loyalty better if you never break up.”
“I had no idea Simple Plan is going to be that popular,” I admitted. “When I first dated him it’s because he had connections to Blink-182. I thought if I could sleep with Mark Hoppus I’d have access to his savings account.” Violet laughed derisively. “If you want to get rich that badly, Ash, go rob a bank.” “Trust me, this way’s better,” I grinned. “Anyways, I dumped Chuck because he became too needy. He kept asking to hang out and all that. I mean he actually enjoys being with me. It’s cute but pathetic. But he’s always had a thing for me. Then I found out that their first album actually did pretty well. I needed money so I took him back on.”
“You then broke up with him again because you thought you had a chance with Green Day’s manager,” Carol said, eagerly. “That guy is like fifty something and he had a potbelly and body odor.” “Who cares? He’s loaded,” I shrugged. “Besides, I don’t have to sleep with him. All I need to do is play hard to get and let him get to second base.” “Yep, and his wife found out in the end and divorced him and now he’s suing so you got back with Chuck so you can use his money to pay off your lawyers,” Carol finished, looking impressed.
“Exactly, which is why I need you to help me pull this thing off. It’s Chuck’s money too that’s been supporting you two,” I said, pointing out my generosity. It wasn’t hard memorizing his credit card and security code numbers. The guy had a lot of money anyway from all the shows he’s been playing and he wouldn’t miss a couple hundred thousand.
“Okay, okay.” Violet raised her hands up in defeat. “You’re supposed to go out with him and Aline and David tomorrow night, right? Why don’t you convince Chuck that those two are going out? I mean, tell them to meet at Le Local at six and let them cozy up with each other a bit and then you and Chuck come at seven and show him how ‘in love’ Dave and Aline are.” “Don’t be silly, Vi, that—” I paused, then thought it over with. “That just might work.” “What? I was actually joking with that idea,” Violet said, surprised. “You’re actually going to play Cupid and make them hook them up?” “That’s not the problem,” I said dismissively. “It’s simple. They didn’t even have to fall in love. Le Local isn’t voted one of the top ten romantic things to do in Montréal for nothing. They have a pretty good specialty: customized dates.”