I Guess I'll Never Get To Call You Mine
DAVID
This is something that is within your control. You can make sure that this doesn’t happen again. I’ve been musing about what Aline said to me for a while. I usually don’t discuss personal problems with other people (I’m not some soppy regretful nostalgic wimp, sorry) but you know what they say. Sometimes you open up easier to strangers, because they don’t judge you as much. Not that Aline is a stranger. It’s funny how you’ve known someone for a long time but not get close until very recently.
Due to the media being very controlling in our images (trust me what we’re really like isn’t exactly what YouTube videos and newspaper articles describe us to be), not a lot of people know I’m kind of slipping into depression. I think my band mates suspect but I try not to be around them too often so they wouldn’t find out. I hate confronting problems. When faced with the consequences I just get on my bike and drive away. Maybe that’s why I hang out with the likes of Pete and Tony. Their solution to life’s problems is a bottle of Merlot.
I’m not even sure what my problems are, but I know I needed help. I’ve been such a wreck lately and I know I can’t hide my insecurities any longer. Aline is probably one of the only people who understood. “I get what you’re feeling, Dave. You’re worried to living up to your image and public expectations of you,” she’d said. “What are you twenty when Simple Plan is formed? I was eighteen or nineteen and my brothers weren’t much older. We were still kids and were basically still fooling around and everyone thought we were funny and loved us. Then we got older and got more serious and people didn’t like it because they want what the media portrayed us to be. The magazines decided on what we were supposed to be like and we were under enormous pressure to give to the fans what kind of show they wanted and expected, because we’re nothing without our fan base. After a while I get mixed up between plain old Aline Young and the Aline Young, guitarist of the Youngbloods. Sometimes I don’t even know who Aline Young is.”
She’d described exactly what I felt, but there are some things I didn’t confide to her yet. Like, I’ve been thinking a lot about dating again lately, but like Aline said, sometimes I get bouts of identity crisis. If I weren’t in Simple Plan, would people still like me? Would a girl appreciate me for who I am and not my rock star persona? Maybe that’s why I go out with a lot of girls so often. I was afraid if I grew attached to one girl I’d find out that she only liked me because of my money and career. I am afraid of rejection. Instead of toughing it out like a real man should I’ve been wasting myself away getting drunk in hole-in-the-wall clubs and running away from my responsibilities.
Occasionally sympathetic people would try to help, but I pushed them away. I didn’t want sympathy. But Aline is different. Being the only girl in a band full of brothers, she’d felt like the odd one out for more than one occasion. In Simple Plan, I’d always been the black sheep. The four go to high school together. I’m just some random guy from Matane that they picked off from the streets. She knew what it’s like not to fit in.
With her I can be myself again, almost like the old David. The funny, jokey David who liked to have a crazy good time until the paparazzi decided to interpret me as some reckless, irresponsible partygoer, a clown that people meant to laugh with and have games with but not a grown-up man who had actually had feelings. They don’t say it out loud of course, but I see the way people look at me. They would smile indulgently and shake their heads as if I am some obnoxious three-year-old. Even my band members find it a little hard to take me seriously. Most of them they treat me like a little kid. I am so tired of being thought of as a joke that I generally give them what they wanted. You want a fun guy who goes out and party all the time? Well, you got one.
For most of my career life I’ve been pleasing people and giving them what they wanted to see. The crowds loved me and their applause every night is my sanctuary. The feeling of being appreciated by being someone the media had shaped me fulfills a sort of emotional security that I desperately crave. On stage it is all like a carefully planned performance, Pierre and I cracking jokes to the audience and making them scream, and then Pierre would ever so casually lift his shirt to show the ladies his toned abs and if I’m in the mood I’d treat the fans to a stage dive and a crowd surf. This is the David they know—the hyperactive ball of fun full of constantly restless energy. I’ve been keeping up with this act for far too long to change my habits now.
That dinner in Le Local was great. For the first time in a while, I was David Desrosiers, normal guy, instead of David Desrosiers, Simple Plan bassist. But I think a part of me is still afraid of rejection, afraid that she only likes the media portrayal of me, although I knew that I was being ridiculous. Aline is in a band herself. She out of all people should know. I messed it all up. I should have never snapped at her like that. I shouldn’t have brought condoms with me in the first place. I didn’t want her to think that I only agreed to this dinner just because I wanted to sleep with her, and now I realize that I don’t. But for some odd reason, I’d wanted to be with Aline without the other guys around. That’s why I didn’t ask to go to Florida as well. I really liked being friends with her.
Chuck was mad, of course. He’s one of those blokes who can’t stand people close to him getting hurt and he thought I was using her. I have to say that I was feeling so guilty myself that I didn’t flinch when he tried to hit me with a flower vase. He would have gotten me if Randy and Jeff hadn’t held him back. Randy was furious but I never saw Chuck that angry. I knew Aline still hadn’t let me off the hook yet from last night’s incident but she’d defended me. She told Chuck I hadn’t meant it, that I wasn’t myself that night. She went against her own best friend for me. I don’t think those two ever fought since first grade, when Seb broke her favorite crayon but blamed Chuck for it. The whole time she was taking my side I’d sat there staring them and saying nothing. I’m such a coward sometimes. Scratch that. It’s most of the time actually.
I hope Aline calls me soon. We’ve been calling each other quite frequently since before that Le Local dinner. Mostly about normal, random things, like our favorite restaurants and what kind of movies we liked to watch. When you’ve achieved as much fame as Simple Plan you appreciate normal everyday conversations like this. I’m getting a little sick of those long interviews asking us the same questions over and over again.
Anyways, I hope she calls me first. I don’t have the courage to ring her up and apologize yet. I’d meant to at the Bouviers’, but lost all my confidence when I saw Chuck. Thinking about his expression again when he saw me walk through the door makes me shudder. I sighed and took out a piece of paper and pen. Writing down my thoughts always made me feel better.
What if I change the world?
If I lead the way?
What if I be the one who takes the blame?
What if I can't go on without you?
What if I graduate?
What if I don't?
What if I don't?
Now I'm slowly giving up
As the world keeps losing faith
Now the path I follow takes a toll on me, on you
But there's no turning back
'Cause the world keeps turning
And my heart's still burning
I'll be waiting here
For you to call me
I rubbed my eyes and read again on what I just wrote, bemused in spite of my mood. I write, although I’m not good with words like Chuck and Pierre. It’s meant to be a poem of some sort but I must say I impressed myself. I thought about showing it to the rest of the band. They did say that they have been stuck for some song ideas. I missed a meeting last time and maybe this will make it up to them. I’m more of a musician than a songwriter because, according to the others, I didn’t have the ‘right attitude’. In other words, I’m too wacky to write deep meaningful ballads like Perfect or Crazy or Untitled. But this really is not bad for a song. They’ll have to take me seriously this time.
I reached for my phone, debating whom to call. But before I can dial anyone my phone started ringing anyway. “David, it’s Sébastien.” He sounded like he’s in a panic. “I’ve been calling and calling both of their cell phones but they’ve never answered! Did they contact you?” “Who? What?” I said. “Seb, I don’t understand a word of what you just said.” “Laurence and Aline. They’ve been missing since this afternoon.”
Due to the media being very controlling in our images (trust me what we’re really like isn’t exactly what YouTube videos and newspaper articles describe us to be), not a lot of people know I’m kind of slipping into depression. I think my band mates suspect but I try not to be around them too often so they wouldn’t find out. I hate confronting problems. When faced with the consequences I just get on my bike and drive away. Maybe that’s why I hang out with the likes of Pete and Tony. Their solution to life’s problems is a bottle of Merlot.
I’m not even sure what my problems are, but I know I needed help. I’ve been such a wreck lately and I know I can’t hide my insecurities any longer. Aline is probably one of the only people who understood. “I get what you’re feeling, Dave. You’re worried to living up to your image and public expectations of you,” she’d said. “What are you twenty when Simple Plan is formed? I was eighteen or nineteen and my brothers weren’t much older. We were still kids and were basically still fooling around and everyone thought we were funny and loved us. Then we got older and got more serious and people didn’t like it because they want what the media portrayed us to be. The magazines decided on what we were supposed to be like and we were under enormous pressure to give to the fans what kind of show they wanted and expected, because we’re nothing without our fan base. After a while I get mixed up between plain old Aline Young and the Aline Young, guitarist of the Youngbloods. Sometimes I don’t even know who Aline Young is.”
She’d described exactly what I felt, but there are some things I didn’t confide to her yet. Like, I’ve been thinking a lot about dating again lately, but like Aline said, sometimes I get bouts of identity crisis. If I weren’t in Simple Plan, would people still like me? Would a girl appreciate me for who I am and not my rock star persona? Maybe that’s why I go out with a lot of girls so often. I was afraid if I grew attached to one girl I’d find out that she only liked me because of my money and career. I am afraid of rejection. Instead of toughing it out like a real man should I’ve been wasting myself away getting drunk in hole-in-the-wall clubs and running away from my responsibilities.
Occasionally sympathetic people would try to help, but I pushed them away. I didn’t want sympathy. But Aline is different. Being the only girl in a band full of brothers, she’d felt like the odd one out for more than one occasion. In Simple Plan, I’d always been the black sheep. The four go to high school together. I’m just some random guy from Matane that they picked off from the streets. She knew what it’s like not to fit in.
With her I can be myself again, almost like the old David. The funny, jokey David who liked to have a crazy good time until the paparazzi decided to interpret me as some reckless, irresponsible partygoer, a clown that people meant to laugh with and have games with but not a grown-up man who had actually had feelings. They don’t say it out loud of course, but I see the way people look at me. They would smile indulgently and shake their heads as if I am some obnoxious three-year-old. Even my band members find it a little hard to take me seriously. Most of them they treat me like a little kid. I am so tired of being thought of as a joke that I generally give them what they wanted. You want a fun guy who goes out and party all the time? Well, you got one.
For most of my career life I’ve been pleasing people and giving them what they wanted to see. The crowds loved me and their applause every night is my sanctuary. The feeling of being appreciated by being someone the media had shaped me fulfills a sort of emotional security that I desperately crave. On stage it is all like a carefully planned performance, Pierre and I cracking jokes to the audience and making them scream, and then Pierre would ever so casually lift his shirt to show the ladies his toned abs and if I’m in the mood I’d treat the fans to a stage dive and a crowd surf. This is the David they know—the hyperactive ball of fun full of constantly restless energy. I’ve been keeping up with this act for far too long to change my habits now.
That dinner in Le Local was great. For the first time in a while, I was David Desrosiers, normal guy, instead of David Desrosiers, Simple Plan bassist. But I think a part of me is still afraid of rejection, afraid that she only likes the media portrayal of me, although I knew that I was being ridiculous. Aline is in a band herself. She out of all people should know. I messed it all up. I should have never snapped at her like that. I shouldn’t have brought condoms with me in the first place. I didn’t want her to think that I only agreed to this dinner just because I wanted to sleep with her, and now I realize that I don’t. But for some odd reason, I’d wanted to be with Aline without the other guys around. That’s why I didn’t ask to go to Florida as well. I really liked being friends with her.
Chuck was mad, of course. He’s one of those blokes who can’t stand people close to him getting hurt and he thought I was using her. I have to say that I was feeling so guilty myself that I didn’t flinch when he tried to hit me with a flower vase. He would have gotten me if Randy and Jeff hadn’t held him back. Randy was furious but I never saw Chuck that angry. I knew Aline still hadn’t let me off the hook yet from last night’s incident but she’d defended me. She told Chuck I hadn’t meant it, that I wasn’t myself that night. She went against her own best friend for me. I don’t think those two ever fought since first grade, when Seb broke her favorite crayon but blamed Chuck for it. The whole time she was taking my side I’d sat there staring them and saying nothing. I’m such a coward sometimes. Scratch that. It’s most of the time actually.
I hope Aline calls me soon. We’ve been calling each other quite frequently since before that Le Local dinner. Mostly about normal, random things, like our favorite restaurants and what kind of movies we liked to watch. When you’ve achieved as much fame as Simple Plan you appreciate normal everyday conversations like this. I’m getting a little sick of those long interviews asking us the same questions over and over again.
Anyways, I hope she calls me first. I don’t have the courage to ring her up and apologize yet. I’d meant to at the Bouviers’, but lost all my confidence when I saw Chuck. Thinking about his expression again when he saw me walk through the door makes me shudder. I sighed and took out a piece of paper and pen. Writing down my thoughts always made me feel better.
What if I change the world?
If I lead the way?
What if I be the one who takes the blame?
What if I can't go on without you?
What if I graduate?
What if I don't?
What if I don't?
Now I'm slowly giving up
As the world keeps losing faith
Now the path I follow takes a toll on me, on you
But there's no turning back
'Cause the world keeps turning
And my heart's still burning
I'll be waiting here
For you to call me
I rubbed my eyes and read again on what I just wrote, bemused in spite of my mood. I write, although I’m not good with words like Chuck and Pierre. It’s meant to be a poem of some sort but I must say I impressed myself. I thought about showing it to the rest of the band. They did say that they have been stuck for some song ideas. I missed a meeting last time and maybe this will make it up to them. I’m more of a musician than a songwriter because, according to the others, I didn’t have the ‘right attitude’. In other words, I’m too wacky to write deep meaningful ballads like Perfect or Crazy or Untitled. But this really is not bad for a song. They’ll have to take me seriously this time.
I reached for my phone, debating whom to call. But before I can dial anyone my phone started ringing anyway. “David, it’s Sébastien.” He sounded like he’s in a panic. “I’ve been calling and calling both of their cell phones but they’ve never answered! Did they contact you?” “Who? What?” I said. “Seb, I don’t understand a word of what you just said.” “Laurence and Aline. They’ve been missing since this afternoon.”