Self Destruction Is Such a Pretty Little Thing

We all sat around the kitchen table, silently. You could hear the clinks of the forks and knives on the plates and my father cough once in a while whilst we ate our dinner. I sat awkwardly as usual around my own family and tapped my foot once in a while. My sister and brother looked at me out of the corner of their eyes, thinking I didn't notice. Bullshit; of course I noticed. They'd look me up and down, then turn away quickly. My mum completly ignored everyone at the table, and kept to herself. What kind of welcome back dinner was this? I seriously didn't feel welcome. I could only wonder what meals were like when I wasn't here for those few months.

"So Lucy, are you excited to see your friends?" My brother Henry asked in a muttered tone. He barely looked at me when he spoke. I had his face down in his plate and his eyes looked at me quickly. His brown hair had been cut shorter sinse the last time he was able to see me.

My mum widened her eyes as if his question was wrong. She put down her fork and looked at him furiously.

I picked up my wipe off board and scribbled. "Yes."

Henry nodded and looked back at his food, then to mum. She glared at him.

"What?" I wrote after erasing my original message.

My mum looked over and squinted to read the message. "Oh nothing Lucy," She said in a kind voice. She always spoke to me like I was a child lately.

"When can Lucy go back to school Mum?" Monika asked. Her expression was completly blank as usual when she was around me. They were speaking as if I wasn't in the room. just because I'm not talking, doesn't mean I'm not here.

"In a while. We have some things to sort out first," Mum looked to me when she answered Monika.

"What are we sorting out?" I scribbled quickly and knitted my eyebrows together. I knew she meant that she was going to sort something out, and I'd have no say. Just like the hospital.

"FOR GODS SAKE!" My father yelled in anger and I sat up strait quickly in surprise. "For god's sake, would you speak up and put down that stupid toy?" He slammed his fist down as he spoke. He usually yelled this way when he was angry.

"No, I'm sorry," I wrote and smiled at him. I knew it would make him angrier if I grinned. I didn't want to piss him off, but he knew I refused to speak, and should be used to it.

"You're being ridiculous," He sighed.

"Calm down Edward," My mum calmed him and he rolled his eyes at me, still refusing to look me in the eye.

"He's right Mum! Lucy, how're you going to make friends like that?" Monika stopped Mum and started to yell as well at me. I blushed furiously and had no clue how to respond to her outburst.

"Everyone'll think you're retarded or something! Good luck in college," Henry chuckled and looked away from me.

"Please stop," I wrote sort of slowly. I could feel tears brim my eyes but I doubted that my brother and sister gave a shit.

"It's true!" My father yelled.

"Dad, Mum, Henry, Monika, Please stop this. I understand," I wrote on the board, and they read it silently. They all looked away from me once again and sighed.

"Don't even mention college Henry," Mum started back up again, replying to his comment about school.

"Why? Lucy's eighteen now. Isn't she going?" Henry looked up, confusedly. I felt a little surprised as well. I couldn't wait to move out and go to college. I just needed to start applying. I probably wouldn't end up in an amazing one, but I needed to get by some how.

"No," My father grunted and I dropped my board altogether.

I mouthed the word 'what' very angrily. My eyes bugged out and I was furious. My mum looked up at father with anger as well. She looked frustrated.

"You couldn't have done that nicer? I thought we were going to sit down for this!" My mum rolled her eyes at far.

"I'm sitting," He shrugged at her.

"Edward!" She yelled.

I clammered to get my board and started to scribble quickly and angrily. "Why the fuck not?!"

"Because you're not going! That's final! It never would've worked darling," Mum tried to comfort me in my rage.

"Why not?" I felt a tear dribble down my cheek as I wrote.

"Look at you! You're a mess! I don't even think you're okay here. Sidney, it's never going to work," Father yelped and looked to Mum.

"It very well could." Mum held her head high and looked away from Far.

"If England's not good enough for her, neither will be some ugly country. Being away from family won't help either. I mean, look what the hospital did! She's got writing all over her body!" Far yelled louder. I felt more tears pour. It scared me when my parents got so angry, but now I hadn't a clue what they were talking about. I did though, have writing in black marker on me. I liked to write on myself.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" I wrote in rage. My handwriting was a complete mess, but I couldnt care less. They'd read it either way.

"Language young lady! See? It's these awful kids she's been stuck with for months! They've poisoned her little head," Father shook his head.

"You're not staying in England darling," Mum said slowly and sweetly, calming herself down.

"Where are we going?" I sobbed harder as I wrote on my board. I sniffled and breathed heavy. Henry and Monika just stared between me and Mum blankly.

"You. You're leaving! For the greater good of this wretched family. We get a break, and maybe you'll get a life!" Father screamed at the top of his lungs.

"It's not like that! You'll have people with you, obviously! You have a nice cousin over in America who'll be taking care of you. He lives with some friends. Maybe you'll make friends with them too," Mum breathed and looked down at her food, not at me. This was fucking ridiculous.

I got up quickly and left my food. "You eat that young lady!" Father yelled to me.

I shot him a dirty look and stomped away from the dining room, and towards the stairs. I just wanted to go up to my room. My face was hot with tears and the blood that had rushed to my face. I rushed into my room and slammed the door behind me. I threw my board onto the floor and whiped my face of the steamy tears. I gulped and stammered my sobs. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to stay in England. I'm eighteen! They can't control my life anymore.

I sat on my bed. It was made for some reason. When I left, it hadn't been made. I sighed and heard my door open slowly. Mum peaked her head through.

"Are you okay Lucy?" She asked. She obviously didn't want to come all the way into my room.

I leaned over and picked up the board. "I'm eighteen. You can't send me away. I'm old enough to move out,"

"And that's exactly what you're doing. It'll be okay. Just please listen to us. Go live with your cousin. You'll have fun in America! You'll be back soon enough. Just please stay with him and his friends,"

"Him?" I wrote.

"Yes, your cousin James. You haven't seen him sinse you were little, but you two were good friends. Don't worry Lucy, it's going to be great there. James will make you feel welcome, and so will his friends. Just, treat James like a friend, but he still has some athority over you. Sinse me and Father won't be there," She walked inside and patted me on the back akwardly. She flinched a little when she hit her hand on me. I looked up at her.

I erased my last message and wrote, "Careful, you'll catch my disorder," I glared at her. She read the message and took her hand away.

"Your flight's this weekend. I'll have Monika help you pack," She looked blankly at me and turned away. She closed the door tight behind her. I smiled smugly at scaring mum.

I knew she was terrified of me. She was scared because of everything that happened with Gunnar, and what it resulted to. She never treated me like this before it all happened. I knew Gunnar was in jail now, but I was shut away too; in the hospital. Mor would never understand, and Henrick, Monika and far all just knew what they could see. My life's bullshit. If they want to help me, sending me away's not the solution.

***

The next day, I silently packed away my clothes into a large suitcase with Monika. It was late afternoon that we'd decided to start packing. I was very reluctant but maybe it would be better to leave England.

Monika folded up the clothes that I had, and put them away. It wouldn't take up much space, because I barely have any clothes anymore. Monika looked at me like she was sorry for me, but I really didn't want sympathy from my little sister. It was just embarrassing. Monika was 16. She has bright blonde hair and no freckles. She wore thin blue eye liner and a little dark blue eye shadow with black mascara. Far didn't like make up, but it was okay the way me and Monika did it. barely wore any either. I had just thin black eyeliner and black mascara, with black eye shadow to match. Monika was wearing a dark green tank top with a black cardigan and blue jeans. Her hair was straitened even though she wasn't going anywhere today.

I have really dark brown hair and brown eyes. I was wearing blue jeans as well, with a black shirt that hung off my shoulder. It said "Hope" across it in cursive gold letters. It was a little ironic that it was the shirt I had worn the day mum and far had sent me to the hospital.

"Are you scared?" Monika looked at me. She looked scared for the first time ever. Even through the court dates and all the terrifying shit, she'd kept a strait face.

"No," It's even easier to lie when you're writing it. "What do you think it's like in America?"

"I'm sure it's beautiful. The houses in the pictures are so pretty, and the inside is nice too. It's a gorgeous country. I'll bet our cousin has a really big, beautiful house with tons of bedrooms and bathrooms," She laughed. "I don't remember Jolle at all, do you?" Monika put another pile of folded shirts into the case. I was sure it was the last small pile.

"Sort of. I remember holidays with his mum and dad, I think," I wrote and shrugged. Monika took a moment to read it then smiled encouragingly.

"Is Aunty and Uncle there too?" She asked, patting her hands on her lap. She was knelt beside me on the ground.

"No. It's just James and his friends," I looked down when I flashed the message to Monika.

"Who're his friends? What're their names?" She cocked her head.

"I don't know yet," I shrugged again. I hadn't a clue about them, and neither did Mor.

"Do you think you'll speak to James and his friends?" She asked again. I could tell she was just trying to make conversation. I didn't really know what to say to my sister. We were never close, but I guess I was glad she was being friendly.

"No," I chuckled and shook my head as I wrote. She looked like she didn't know what to say next, so I wrote to her. "I love you Monika"

"I love you too Lu'," She smiled after she read the message. I knew she wouldn't hug me or anything, she was scared she'd hurt me or something.

We finished packing a few things that I kept safe. We packed away my iPod, my lap top, my clothes, and my blankets and little nick knacks.

My mother walked into my room after Monika left. I knew Monika was heading out to see her boyfriend, even though she refused to say anything about it around me.

"Hi Mum" I wrote and held it up for my mother to see.

"Would you like to speak to James?" She held the phone to her chest and whispered so he couldn't hear. I raised an eyebrow at her and dropped my jaw. How stupid could she get? "I mean; would you like to listen to him and say nothing," She groaned.

I nodded and took the phone from her awkwardly. I pressed speaker phone and let my mother tell James that I was listening now.

"Uh hi Lucy." He had a heavy accent and I deep voice. I knew I had it too, but it wasn't so heavy. "You're going to be fine here I promise. It's just me and the guys here. All five of us, uh six...including you. It's going to be fun I promise."

"See Lucy? It'll be great in America." Mum smiled. I scribbled on my board.

"What are his friends names?" I wrote.

"What are your friends names, she says?" My mom sighed and asked James for me.

"Oh Uh Sam, Cameron, Danny and Uhh....Ben," He paused a little between names. He obviously knew them. It was like he was hiding something and it worried me.

"They sound like nice boys," My mother nodded and grinned wide.

"Yeah they're cool. I'm sure you'll like them Lucy! Danny has a dog named Lucy actually. I'll be waiting for you at the airport outside your flight tomorrow night okay? I might be with a friend." James spoke directly to me.

I scribbled down. "How do I know who's him?"

"She's asking how she'll know it's you," My mother rolled her eyes.

"I'll be the one with tattoo's, probably ripped pants, and a black tee. I'm sure you'll be able to tell it's me. I guess I'll bring a sign with your name or something," He laughed, and I nodded.

"Thank you so much Jolle," My mother smiled fakely, although James couldn't see her. "Goodbye James. Have a nice time in America, and take good care of my daughter!"

"Thank you" I wrote.

"Strange outfit choice," Mum laughed and stepped out.

***

I got off the plane, holding just my carryon's. I looked around the crowd of people. I lot of people were brushing past me and bumping into me. I looked around and saw a boy probably in his very early twenties. He had long blondish hair that he had straightened and hung in his eyes, and torn black jeans. They were tight to his body (skinny jeans) and he was wearing a black scarf and black loose tank. He was standing on a waiting chair with a large poster board that had my name written on it. He was standing with a shorter man with brown hair. The both of them were screaming my name as well.

"Lucy Cassells! Lucy!" The two screamed like wild animals. The other boy was wearing a blue V-neck shirt and blue jeans.

I rushed to them to make them stop yelling. I waved my hands in their faces to make them stop. I could tell I had a strained expression on my face.

"Lucy?" The one on the chair jumped down. He was much taller than the other. He had the heavy accent. "I'm James," He grinned. "This is Sam,"

"Hey," Sam was out of breath and laughing.

They both waited for me to say something awkwardly, so I rolled my eyes and pulled out my wipe off board. I scribbled down. "Hello. My bags are somewhere...I need them," I laughed a little when I held up the board. The two mumbled out what they were reading.

"Oh okay! They're on the thingy downstairs," James and Sam lead me to a long conveyer belt, down a flight of stairs. It had many different bags going around and around until people took them.

"Which ones are yours?" Sam asked. I pointed to a big black bag. I knew it was mine because it had a sticker on it with a band name from America that I liked. James rushed up and grabbed it.

"Any others?" James asked, jogging back over with the bag. "I'll carry this one,"

I pointed to another and Sam grabbed it for me. We started to walk out to their car with the bags.

"So, what's with the board?" Sam asked, as he shoved my suitcases into the trunk of a little grey car.

"I don't talk," I wrote.

"Do you know sign language?" James asked nicely.

"No. I don't speak by choice. I could if I wanted too," I wrote and held it up. They both read it aloud again at different times, mumbling. It was funny because people usually read me silently.

"So this is how we'll get to know you?" James laughed.

"I guess so," I laughed, and climbed into the shot gun of the car. Sam was nice enough to take the back, and James sat in the drivers seat. "Why are your pants ripped?"

"That's how they're supposed to be. Have you been living under a rock?" James laughed.

"I went to a private school. I had a uniform. An American band I know, wears ripped jeans too, or at least the singer does sometimes."

"Sam, read that for me, I'm driving," James called to Sam. I held it for him to read aloud to him.

"What's the band, and who's the singers?" James raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"They're Black Veil Brides. I mean Andy Biersack and the rest of them," I wrote happily.

"Oh yeah, I saw the band sticker on your suitcase!" Sam smiled after reading it aloud to James.

"I know them! They're good guys," James grinned and kept driving.

"Really?!" I wrote excitedly.

"Yeah! Andy and the rest are cool," Sam responded after reading it aloud.

"Maybe we'll all go see them live. We could hangout after the show, since we know them," James offered with a big comforting smile. He's a better family member then my own little brother.

"That'd be amazing!" I wrote with a large grin across my face. I hadn't been this excited in a long time.

***