Self Destruction Is Such a Pretty Little Thing

"That's screwed up," Sam reacted as James and Ben explained what was going on. We were all gathered around the den to discuss what was going to happen.

"I know, but we want to know if you guys are okay with Lucy staying with us," James sighed and directed everyones attention back to him.

"Of course," Sam nodded.

"She's your cousin mate, of course she can stay here," Danny agreed.

"No reason to object," Cameron added and smiled at me to help make me feel better.

"Good, no faces to blugeon tonight," Ben smiled and pounded his fist, shooting warning glares at his friends.

"I'm so sorry this is all happening," Said Cam with sympathy.

"It's okay. I'll be alright. Thank you guys so much," I sniffled because I didn't want to cry again. Although I didn't believe that my body could muster any more tears.

"Do you think you'll ever talk to us?" Asked James curiously. I understood his curiosity, but I truly didn't want to speak.

"Or sing?" Ben cocked his head and did a little half smile.

"No," I wrote it very small, and wrote nothing more. I kept my expression blank because I didn't want to give them false hope that I was being sarcastic. I really didn't want to ever speak again.

"No matter what?" Sam looked disappointedly at me, with a frown.

"No matter what" I agreed with a nod.

"What if one of us was bleeding out, say...Danny. And we needed you to call the police?" Ben laughed and Danny looked up at him with horror.

"Why me?!" He yelped and flung his arms into the air.

"Because you're a fucking wanker," James chuckled.

"I guess I'd call and speak to the police," I gave in and wrote the message.

"Alright Danny, let's get this over with," James sighed and stood to walk towards Danny who jumped back in his seat on the couch. His eyes widened and he whimpered. He was deffinetly drunk again as usual.

"Don't hurt Danny! He's too beautiful!" Ben whined sarcastically with a smile.

"It was your idea!" James complained with a laugh as he took a seat at the bar.

"Anyways...Lu, I want to do something to make you feel better." Ben turned to me.

"It's fine, I'm fine. You don't need to do anything," I wrote. I felt bad, and I didn't want to cause anymore trouble with the guys.

"Come on, it'll only take a little while!" Ben grinned.

"Fine," There was no point in arguing with Ben. I knew he'd win anyways.

***

Ben's idea, was to take me to get another tattoo. I actually didn't mind, and got one that was perfect to piss of my family, and it made me feel better about myself. I got 'Dangerous' in cursive, as a tramp stamp. It was really small though, so it wasn't to gawky.

Ben thought the tattoo was absolutly perfect, and kept laughing about it. It was kind of awkward getting it, because I couldn't talk and I wasn't able to hold up my board to say anything to Ben or the tattoo artist.

On the car ride back, I caught Ben taking a random turn onto a road I hadn't seen anyone take yet on our adventures around the town. I raised an eyebrow to him. He pulled up to a parking lot, and it was dark. I was a little worried because I thought about Gunnar, but I knew Ben wouldn't be like that. I think I know him by now, enough to know that he's a good person.

"You have to say something, or we're not going anywhere," He stopped the car and turned to me with a mischievous grin.

I picked up my board. "Something," I wrote with a grin.

"No, I mean speak," He rolled his eyes.

"No," I wrote.

He reached out and took my board and marker from me. He began to write down onto the board. He wrote to me, "Then tell me why you don't talk,"

I took it back and erased what he had written. I sighed and started to write down the story...or the gist of it. "Gunnar hit me, and made me feel like shit all the time. I went down a bad road, and once my family finally beleived that Gunnar was hitting me, they sent me to the mental hospital. Once I found out they were sending me there, I stopped talking and havent sinse." I held it up and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see Ben's reaction. I didn't want him to be disgusted with me.

He took the board and marker out of my hands and I opened my eyes. He washed it all off with his hand and wrote back. "You can talk to me, and the guys. We won't hurt you like that," He took my hand from my lap, and kissed the top. I blushed a little and looked away from his blue eyes.

I froze and said nothing. I didn't know what to do, he obviously wasn't giving back the board. "You can trust me, right? You can trust all of us, I promise," He said aloud.

"I...I do trust you guys. You're the family and friends I didn't have," I murmered quietly, and looked away from Ben. My voice was back I guess, but I don't know if I was ready to talk at all times.

He shoved the keys into the car, and started it back up. He turned to me before he started to drive, "You have a beautiful voice," He smiled and began to drive.

***

I felt a nudge and woke up quickly. Ben was looking at me with wide eyes.

"How the fuck do you fall asleep after you get a tat?" He laughed. I shrugged and shook off my sleepiness. I couldn't beleive that I'd dreamed of talking to Ben. Motherfucker; I'm not talking again. Not even in my dreams, this time.

I shook my head of my sleepiness and breathed deeply. That dream was so off limits. I leaned my back against the seat and cringed, sitting back up strait.

"Uhm the tattoo's going to hurt when you put pessure on it," Ben chuckled and turned off the car in the drive way. I stuck my tongue out to him.

He brought me inside, where we found Sam and James. The other's must've gone out somewhere. The two of them were sitting on the couch looking lazy as ever.

"I got a tattoo" I wrote.

"Cool. Where, and what is it?" Asked Sam.

"Lower back; Dangerous," I replied.

"Awe. You should've gotten my face and have it say; 'James is the sexiest cousin ever'," James chuckled.

"I'm not into incest," I laughed and winked at him jokingly as I held up the board.

"Sam's not really into vagina's, but he tried something new," Ben laughed sarcastically.

"You suck," Sam shook his head and swung his arm out lazily to hit Jaybee, but missed.

"Correction; You suck," Ben corrected him.

"Cock," I giggled as I held up my board.

***

It was later into the afternoon the next day. Today had been uneventful, composed mostly of eating and watching films. I hadn't written much for the guys, and I could tell they were worried. I couldn't blame them, but I was just upset. And I had every right to be upset today, or any day really.

We were watching a movie right now actually, but I was lost in thought, not paying attention to anything in the film. I felt bad for the guys. They didn't actually know anything about me, but they were willing to let me live with them, in their home while my parents had ditched me. That was really the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me, but at the same time I felt terrible. They didn't know why I didn't talk, they don't know why my parents hate me or why I was sent here, nor do they know about my little scars. They don't know about the life I was stuck with back in England, or anything that a friend or housemate should know.

I would feel comfortable telling them, because I trusted all of them not to laugh at me. My parents never believed me when shit went down, but I knew Ben, James, Danny, Sam and Cameron would believe me. The problem was; I didn't want them to think of me as crazy, or different. I didn't want them to send me away or pity me. I didn't want pity in the least bit.

"Lucy?" Danny nudged my shoulder from beside me on the couch. I flinched a little and shook myself out of my thoughts, looking up to him with a raised eyebrow. "You alright? You looked angry,"

I nodded quickly and looked back to the television. We had been watching Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince. The movie was just about over, as everyone was raising their arms to solute Dumbledore, as he had just died. I sighed and let a shiver run through me, realizing I was chilly.

I caught Ben looking at me from the other side of me. I glanced back, and he smiled. "Are you cold?" He asked.

I shook my head. My board was in the kitchen, so I couldn't answer anyone fully. I was okay with that though, because I wasn't in the mood to be active enough to write out a sentence.

"You are," He nodded and rolled his eyes at me. He grabbed a blanket off the head of the couch, and pulled it down, wrapping it over my knees, and up to my chest to cover me. I snuggled into the blanket and smiled at him as a thank you.

When the movie was over, we all jumped up and walked to the kitchen. I took a seat at the table, and pulled my board and marker closer to me.

"What's for dinner?" Sam asked quickly, as he opened the fridge and peaked inside.

"We have left over Chinese, and macaroni," Ben called to him, as he took a seat at the table beside me.

"Where?" Asked Danny, who was peering over Sam's head into the fridge as well.

"In the blue Tupperware container," Ben called back.

"What about the Chinese?" Sam picked up the container and examined it. I could see that the macaroni was inside.

"It's in there with the mac," Ben nodded to him.

"Wait!" Danny screamed, almost knocking Sam over. Cameron groaned and took a seat across from me at the table as well.

"Oh fuck no," Sam jumped out of the way as Danny waved his arms excitedly. James had just walked in, and looked around in bewilderment. He took one look at the container and sighed, taking a seat beside Cam and putting his face in his hands.

"Now it really is Mac and Chinese! I win! I knew that would happen!" He sang and a huge grin crept across his face.

"Those jokes," Cam shook his head.

"Let's order pizza," Ben grumbled.

"I'll order it," Sam offered, taking the house phone in his hands and escaping to the living room.

"What are we doing tomorrow?" Asked Cam.

"It's up to Lucy, I think," James piped up.

"Why me?" I wrote with a raised eyebrow.

"It just is," James laughed.

"What is there for fun around here, anyways?" I giggled a little.

"We can go to the aquarium," Ben shrugged.

"I don't like fish," I admitted.

"You don't like a lot of things!" James slammed his arms on the table and laughed.

"What's the date?" Asked Ben, almost randomly.

"October 17th I think. Why?" Asked Cameron.

"Let's do something halloweeny," Ben's face lit up. "Like, carve pumpkins, or go to a haunted house!"

"Yeah!" Danny raised an arm, and nodded from behind us, at the bar. "I feel like a loner" He mumbled and chuckled, referring to his placement, alone at the bar.

"I think we should go to one of those amusement parks, where people are dressed up as monsters and they chase people and scare them. And then they have those haunted houses and stuff, and they're scary as fuck," James nodded to us, with a huge grin.

"I don't do scary, I don't like scary, I don't see scary, I refuse scary. In other words, no for me," Sam strides in, and shook his head at all of us.

"Pussy," Cameron shouted at him.

"I don't know. I don't really like those places either," I wrote solemnly.

"If boy'Sam goes, will you go?" ben asked me with a wink.

I nodded slowly, and a smirk spread across my face.

"Oh okay now you're just trying to make me feel guilty!" Sam whined.

"Of course we are!" Danny bopped him over the head with a beer can.

"Fine," Sam grumbled. "Pizza will be here in 20 minutes,"

***

We'd only been at the damn amusement park for maybe an hour, and we had already been dragged into line for a haunted house. This one's called the dead shed, and it was supposedly the scariest house in the park. I'm obviously not pleased with that.

Every time a group came out of the exit, at least one person was in tears or completely traumatized. I just wasn't quite sure if that one person would end up being me, Sam or both of us.

"Maybe we'll get to hear you scream," Ben nudged me.

"That sounded dirty," Danny chuckled. The groups in front of us and behind us in line, looked like they wanted to shoot us.

"That's my cousin," James hit his shoulder.

"Sucks you couldn't bring your board," Cam put his hand on my shoulder. I had no way to talk, while we were here.

"You could always speak," Ben shrugged and looked at me hopefully.

I giggled and shook my head. I was serious though, and I had no intentions of speaking.

"How will we know when you need to say something though?" Asked Danny.

I shrugged, but then waved my hands around, to motion to them.

"You'll use hand signals?" Asked Ben, cocking his head.

I nodded quickly.

"Are you hungry? I'm hungry. We should get out of line so we can eat something. And once we eat something, we should leave and not get back in this line," Sam piped up nervously. He was on his toes, constantly jumping behind one of us to hide from any of the actors in costume.

I nodded that I was hungry, because I actually was. "See? Lu's hungry. We should go eat something," Sam pointed to me, in distress. He would do anything to not go in that house.

"We're pretty far back in line," Danny said slowly, leaning over to view the line of people in front of us.

"Yeah, you guys can go get something to eat, and then come back when you're finished so that we can go in the house together. You'll be back in time," James nodded.

"Not if we crawl to the food venders," Sam groaned, and I shook my head to him with a look of disgust. No way am I getting on my hands and knees.

"Yeah, that's a nice way to get arrested," Ben shot him a terrifying, sarcastic smile. He widened his eyes and shook his head.

"Fine. Let's go Lucy," Sam waved to me, and I followed him. We ducked under the caution tape, to make our way to a food stand.

"You want a hot dog?" Sam turned to me, as we came close to one of the stands. I nodded, and we continued our walk. We stood in line for a moment before he turned to me. "Why don't you talk?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I was definitely taken aback. I knew they'd ask, because I could've sworn they had, but this was a random time to ask.

I looked at Sam awkwardly, to show that I don't want to talk about it, and he rolled his eyes, brushing his long hair out of his face.

"It just doesn't make sense to me, you know? You can talk, but you chose not to. It's not like you're on strike, and you're not trying to prove anything obviously. Your parents aren't here, so it can't have too much to do with them. And I mean, if it did have to do with your parents, you are safe to talk now, because they aren't here," Sam rambled.

I shook my head slowly, that I was not going to speak and he looked at me with disappointment.

"James really wants to hear you talk, you know. He looks at you like you're his little sister. The rest of us want to hear you too," He added.

I continued to shake my head, ever so slightly. God, I felt terrible now.

"How will you get married one day?" He added, and we both chuckled a bit. I shrugged, because I didn't think about relationships. Not after Gunnar.

"I think you'll tell us what happened someday. We'll get it out of you," Sam laughed, as he moved up in line and ordered.

***

We met the guys back at the line, and it seemed as though they were all annoyed with one another. They had moved up in line by a lot, so we had to search for a moment to find them. They'd gotten closer to the front entrance, much to Sam and I's dismay. They were just a few groups away from the entrance actually. I inwardly groaned and sulked into line with Sam.

Ben turned to me, and grinned wide. "Thought you wouldn't come back, Mate," He chuckled slightly.

I shrugged, and made a scowl at him, and then looked towards the carnival entrance, to show my hatred for the house. I could feel a little bubble of anxiety grow in my stomach and rise to my chest. I didn't want to express to them that I actually had anxiety, because I'm sure I can make it through the house without too bad of an attack. But as of now, it was actually beginning to hurt my chest and ribs. I breathed smaller and quicker breaths, very quietly so that no one would notice over Sam's humongous gasps.

"Almost there," James sang as we moved up in line. We were next into the house right after the people in front of us. Fucking shit!

***

When we got out of the house, I was definitely shaking. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, but I was still a little traumatized. Sam was in complete shock and hadn't said a thing. He'd only cupped his hand over his mouth and eyes during the walk through, so that Cameron had to guide him through the halls of the haunted house.

"Well that was fucking unreal," Danny grinned wide and his eyes grew.

"Are you alright Lucy?" Ben put his hand on my shoulder and guided me to a bench, where we all took a seat.

I nodded quickly, and shrugged a little. Sort of uneventful really.

"Were you terrified?" Asked Cameron, still patting Sam's shoulders with a smile.

I shook my head and gave him an 'are you kidding me?' look.

"Yeah, I wish that was scarier," Ben admitted.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Sam stuttered, widening his eyes at Ben.

"Okay, Sam. For one thing; you had your eyes closed the whole time. Therefore you have no idea what went on in the house to know if it was scary or not," James pointed to him accusingly.

"It sounded scary," Sam mumbled.

"Okay no! For another thing; you were screaming so loud that there was no way you or any of us could hear anything going on. Therefore you didn't hear anything scary," Ben laughed, and I nodded in agreement, clutching my poor ears that had been tormented by Sam's continuous screaming.

"Can we just go home," Sam grumbled and thrust his head back in agony.

"Yep," James groaned and we all headed off for the exit of the park. Good fucking riddance.

***

We got back and when we opened the door, I swear a burst of cold air hit me. I knitted my eyebrows together and stepped inside behind the guys. They all grasped their arms, also cold. We'd only been out for a few hours! How did the house get so cold?

"What the fuck...?" James raised and eyebrow and looked around. You could faintly see your breath in the air.

"Did someone turn the heat off?!" Cameron groaned.

"Evidently," Sam murmured, still looking around in confusion. "It shouldn't be this cold with just the heat off though,"

I looked to the kitchen. Both the fridge and the freezer were wide open. I pointed to it, annoyed.

"What?" Ben looked to my pointed finger, then followed it. "Oh shit! A fridge can do that?!"

"Aw fuck!" James ran and shut both of them quickly. "I'll go turn on the heat," He groaned and grabbed the flash light from a drawer. He'd need it to go down into the basement where the heater was.

"It should be warm by morning then," Sam leapt onto the couch and pulled the blankets over him and shivered.

"Why do you get the blankets?!" Danny yelled and leaped on top of him.

"Get the fuck off me you wanker!" Sam screamed and wacked Danny like they were in a sissy fight.

"Hey wait!" Danny yelled, completely stopped in his tracks and held his hands up for us to stop as well. His expression fell blank, which was all around weird for Danny.

"What?" Ben said, suddenly worried.

Danny's lower lip trembled as he tried not to laugh. His eyebrows actually twitched and he started to chuckle. His chuckling became more and more pronounced until he had fallen off the couch laughing in tears!

Cam, Ben and I all ran to his side. Sam even sat up in his spot to look over Danny.

"What's wrong?" Cameron raised an eyebrow.

"Mac and freeze," Danny barely managed to get out these few words but god damnit I wish he hadn't.

"Of fucking course," Sam rolled his eyes and sat back in the chair.

"These are getting so old," Cameron giggled.

"I don't see how one, grown man can come up with so many jokes about mac and cheese. It should be fucking impossible," Ben chuckled.

I shivered and rolled my eyes, looking towards the clock. It was so fucking cold, and it was past ten o'clock. I was tired, and I was sure I had yawned at least ten times in the car ride. I actually wanted go to sleep. Ben yawned beside me, and I inwardly sighed in relief. I didn't want to be the only awkward one going to bed right now.

"Is anyone else ready to crash?" Asked Cam.

"Well I seem to have already crashed and burned," Danny laughed. "But yeah, I'm pooped,"

"You did what?! You better not have pooped on my fucking floor again Danny or I swear to fucking God!" James ran in from the basement stairs, wielding the flashlight. He ran to the couch and looked over it, looking around on the ground for remains of Danny.

"No! I didn't take a shit on your couch or on your floor," Danny mocked him. "I said I'm pooped. As in, I'm tired,"

"You guys are hitting the sack?" James slowly put down the flash light he had risen, so that he would've been ready to strike at Danny's head.

I nodded, with Danny and Cam. "I might pass out, man," Ben admitted.

"Alright, g'night guys," James shrugged and we all turned to go to our rooms. James and Sam booked it for our room and ran out with blankets and their pillows, laughing hysterically.

"Where are you guys going?" Cameron asked, as they gathered their stuff and walked towards the door.

"We're sleeping in the fucking car, because the car will warm up faster than the house," Sam laughed and they left quickly before we could follow them, I chuckled a little. The car wouldn't warm up without them turning it on, and they can't leave it running all night. Therefore, they might be colder than us tonight.

***

It was probably midnight by now and I still couldn't sleep. It was fucking freezing in the house. I could still faintly see my breath when I let it out. I'd pulled my knees into my chest and all the cover up around my neck, tightly. The mini fridge beside me didn't help, as it was emanating cold air from it's freezing insides.

I had on a sweatshirt, and baggy sweatpants for PJ's and long socks, that I had pulled up to cover as much as I could. I could feel the hair on my arms sticking up on end. I could feel myself shaking under the blankets, and I could hear the soft creaking of my bed as I shook.

"Lu?" I heard a whisper from a few feet away on the couch. I didn't think Ben was still awake actually.

I wasn't going to fucking answer, so I don't know why he even tried to get my attention like that. But I'd try for him. "Mhm?" I said very quietly.

"Are you cold?" he asked.

How was I supposed to answer?!

"Oh wait," He realized and chuckled a bit to himself, in a hushed tone. He picked up his pillow and blanket, and tossed it over to the other side of the couch, so that his head would be beside mine.

Once he'd gotten situated, he looked to me to answer the question. I nodded.

"Hey, maybe if we stay close together, we'll be able to warm each other up," Ben blushed, even in the cold. I blushed as well and shrugged. "You look freezing Lucy," I nodded. He rolled his eyes at me and pushed his pillow beside mine on the bed. It was only a twin bed so I didn't see us having any personal space.

He threw his blanket over me and I felt immediately a little warmer. He crawled under both the blankets and I felt his warm legs intertwine with mine. "Is it okay for me to keep you warm?" He asked cautiously. I nodded and smirked.

His face was inches from mine, and I could feel that bubble of anxiety again. "Lucy? Will you ever talk?"

I frowned. This was the second time I'd been asked this today. I shrugged and looked away from Ben.

"I think you will someday," He shrugged and nuzzled into his pillow and closed his eyes.

I truly felt terrible for not being able to tell them why. I felt bad because I wasn't speaking to them. I don't know if they even realize the guilt that they're putting me through.

***

The next morning, I woke up with my body pressed against Ben's. I automatically had a complete spaz, and leaped out of bed, careful enough not to wake him. I had actually fallen asleep with Ben?! What the fuck?! I grabbed my board and marker hastily, and didn't look back at Ben.

I took off my sweatshirt, leaving myself in my Asking Alexandria band shirt, as I stepped into the hallway. It was so much warmer; thank god. I sped up towards the kitchen and found everyone but Ben and Cameron at the kitchen table.

"Hey!" I wrote. I was going to completely ignore last night now.

"Morning," James groaned.

"What's wrong?" I wrote, giggling a little to myself.

"The car was fucking freezing, and uncomfortable," Sam rubbed the back of his neck. I chuckled even harder.

"Saw that coming," I shrugged at them and held up the board lazily.

"Well aren't you Miss smarty pants," James teased me.

"So Cam is waking up Ben?" Danny cocked his head.

"Evidently. Glad it's not me this time," Sam laughed.

I nodded in agreement. Ben had scared the living shit out of me last time.

"They need to wake up soon though. We're expecting a call from the tour manager," James nodded to us.

"About what?" I raised an eyebrow and took a seat at the table with the three guys.

"An upcoming tour. A big one, too," James shrugged and grinned.

"That'd be awesome. I'd love to get back on tour. You think it'd be a big one?" Asked Sam.

"Obviously," I laughed.

"I have high hopes for this one," Danny nodded.

"This is going to be so cool. We need to get on tour," James laughed.

"And I'll hide so that no one can see me," I giggled.

"No! We'd want you to come with us, wherever he wants the tour to be. Maybe we can have you be merch girl, but you'd have to talk," James teased yet again with a big smile.

"Yeah right. There's no way," I rolled my eyes and held up the board.

The guys all looked at me like I was wicked stupid. "Are you fucking kidding? We're not going anywhere without you mate! I mean c'mon!" Sam yelled, laughing a little.

"Very true. I'll bet it'd be really interesting ya' know; to have a newbie on tour," Danny added.

Wow they were really starting to push me talking, too. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk. Or to even tell them why I don't. It was going to take me a while to get used to this and to decide. I was scared at this point.

I held my hands to my stomach and caressed where I knew there were scars beneath my shirt. They didn't notice though. I rolled my eyes at the previous comment and scoffed.