Self Destruction Is Such a Pretty Little Thing

I'd seen these boys do a lot of strange things over the course of the days I'd been here. I'd actually lost tracks of days...maybe weeks? But this was a truly strange sight. I'd gone into the bathroom for a quick shower, gotten changed and done my make up and when I returned to the living area; the boys were all sitting in a circle on the floor. No one was talking aloud, but I heard faint whispers. I clutched my board at my side and raised an eyebrow. They were all sitting indian style, and they were hunched over something.

I walked up behind them slowly, in case I was interrupting some sort of satanic ritual. I lightly tapped James on the shoulder.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I'M GONNA SHIT!" James practically leaped from his seat, hit Sam in the face with his swinging arm, and his eyes bugged out of his head. I stepped back quickly, avoiding attack.

"Don't shit!" Ben screamed, laughing hysterically.

"Not funny! Fuck you Lucy! You scared the living hell out of me," James held his chest and I laughed at his bewildered reaction.

"You fucking hit me!" Sam whined as he tried to fix his hair.

"Let me clarify something," Cameron looked at James. "You didn't shit, correct?"

"No!" James screamed and flung his arms into the air again.

"Watch the hair!" Sam screamed.

"If you guys keep yelling we're going to miss the call!" Danny yelped above their voices. I looked over their heads into the middle of their circle. Each of their phones were placed in a clump in the middle of the circle.

I pointed to the phones and looked to Ben, giving him a confused look.

"Oh! We're waiting for our manager to call us," He explained. I rolled my eyes and motioned with my hand and board for them to make room for me to sit in the circle. If you can't beat them; join them!

We waited around for an hour; I swear! The guys passed around my board and drew different things on it. There was always a penis somewhere on the board. We sat in silence, which wasn't that hard for me, but it seemed terrifyingly hard for James, Danny and Ben. James's leg was shaking like a motherfucker and he was constantly looking around anxiously. Ben and Danny both kept going to open their mouths to speak, and having to stop themselves.

Suddenly, I heard a loud ringing from the kitchen. All the boys looked up and widened their eyes like fucking seagulls. "We forgot the fucking house phone!" Danny yelled at the top of his lungs.

"PHONE!" James fucking growled and bolted for the phone with a wild look in his eyes. "Hello Mr. Sir," James panted into the phone, and leaned on the counter to catch his breath. The other guys all leapt up and followed him, trying to press their ears into the phone to listen in. "Guys get off of me!" James swatted at their heads.

"Just put it on speaker phone!" I held up for James to read.

"Oh! Speaker. Hello Mr. Sir," James turned on speaker and held the phone out for everyone to hear.

"Hey boys; hope you're staying out of trouble. Who is this exactly that I'm speaking with?" The man behind the voice laughed. He had a really American accent and sounded older than the others.

"James!" He piped up with a big grin.

"Alright cool man. So this tour, are you guys alright with touring?" The manager asked.

"Always up for touring," Danny laughed.

"Great! But we need to discuss music," He chuckled.

"Okay, then whats up?" James looked disappointed and the rest of the guys took a few steps away from the crowded phone.

"What are you guys up to right now? Music wise," He asked nicely.

"Working on our new album actually," Ben called towards the phone.

"When are you releasing it?" He retaliated quickly.

"Probably November. Late November. I have a song or two to perfect first, Bryan" Danny admitted. "I've been fucking around,"

"Would you guys be up for a World Tour?" Bryan sounded like he had a big smile on his face. Ben's face fucking lit up like a candle.

"YES HOLY SHIT YES!" Ben screamed and everyone else started jumping for joy.

I was so fucking happy for them, and I smiled at each and every one of them as I met their eyes. But I blocked out the rest of their conversation with Bryan. I was glad that my cousin and friends were about to do an amazing American tour, don't get me wrong. But what was going to happen to me? I don't have anywhere to go. I'm not in their band, so I'm not welcome on tour. Would I have to stay here for the months that they're gone? I wouldn't be able to live with my thoughts all alone.

I felt like the smile I was flashing them, was numb. It was forced. On the inside, I was super happy for them. But my mind was racing like crazy. I didn't want to be abandoned again like so many times before.

***

"This calls for celebration," Ben said after dinner. A dinner filled with toasting and talk of the "World Tour".

"Let's paint the town," Sam laughed.

"I don't want to get arrested before tour man," Cameron laughed.

"Yeah, we still have an album to finish and a tour. Afterwards we can be arrested," James chuckled from beside me at the table, with Ben at my other side.

"Let's get some hotel rooms, in the city and then we can go fucking rad in the pool," Ben laughed, sarcastically.

"That's actually a good idea," Danny said slowly.

"And I can go to the spa!" I wrote with a huge grin.

"I was completely joking," Ben paused awkwardly.

"But it'd be awesome!" Danny interrupted. "So much beer!"

"I wouldn't complain to a dip in a pool or hot tub," Cameron admitted.

Pools. No. Oh god no.

"And I'll still be at the spa," I wrote as a warning and giggled a little.

"You can't swim?" Asked Sam, taking a sip of his drink.

"No, I can. I just chose not to," I shrugged, trying not to blush.

"Aw you don't even have a bathing suit do you?" James completely ignored the fact that I don't plan on swimming.

"Yes she does," Ben nodded.

"No, I don't," I corrected him. I surely didn't bring one from England and I didn't buy one while I was at the mall. I know that for a fact.

"I got you one that I was going to give you for Christmas, because I knew we'd be going to some rad parties this summer for swimming, and you didn't have one," Ben shrugged. "That sounds actually really creepy,"

"Go get it! We'll see if it'll fit her!" Cameron waved Ben away from the table.

"I'm not a Barbie and this isn't dress up!" I wrote; annoyed. I wasn't letting them see me in a bathing suit unless it was a fucking wet suit.

Ben got up and rushed to our room. He came back a moment later with a bag. He stuck his hand inside and rummaged around. He pulled out bottoms first. They were black with strips on the side for strings to attach the front to the back. I was a little horrified. The top was next, which was also back, and a bikini. It was a plain string bikini top, and I was terrified now.

"Ben!" James screamed.

"What?" He dropped the bag to the floor and placed the bikini on the table, as I wrote rapidly.

"That's my fucking cousin!" James swung a fist at Jaybee's arm.

"I'm not swimming anyways," I rolled my eyes at them and held up the messy writing.

"James, it's really not that bad compared to what most girls wear at the beach," Cameron interjected. They were all completely ignoring my comments!

"Hmph," James pouted.

***

The hotel reservations were made that night, and the next day; we were heading to a Hilton with our bags packed for two nights. We'd reserved two rooms. Me, Ben and James to one, and Cameron, Sam and Danny to the other.

I was still uneasy about this, and the thoughts of being abandoned for the tour were still haunting me. I was a little shaky when we pulled up to the hotel, and my nerves never ceased. Not even as we were unloading our bags into the rooms.

"Pool's first," Ben announced to me and James as we plopped out suitcases onto the hotel beds.

"Hell yeah. I'll get changed in the bathroom," James grabbed a pair of swim trunks from his already opened and messy case, and skipped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

"Do you not know how to swim, Lu?" Ben asked quietly so that James couldn't hear from the bathroom.

I picked up my board and scribbled, "Of course I know how to swim,"

"Then why won't you?" He whined.

I shook my head, because I wasn't going to answer. I didn't want him to see the scars on my stomach.

"Can I...," Ben looked at me mischievously and took a step towards me. "Tickle it out of you?

I shook my head more violently but he grabbed me by my waste and spun me around so that my back was to the bed. He wriggled his fingers up and down my ribs and stomach as he laughed hysterically, sending me into a surprising fit of loud giggles. I continued to shake my head and try to pry his hands away from my stomach, which had twisted into a knot of tickles. I fell back onto the bed and Ben climbed over me, and continued to tickle me. As I had fallen on my back, and leaned to far, and the added amount of Ben wrinkling my shirt with tickles, my shirt had come up slightly. I realized suddenly and my eyes bulged. I tried with even more force to pry Ben's hands away from tickling me.

Ben continued to laugh until he realized I'd completely stopped laughing and I was looking at him with horror. He looked to me confused, then looked down to my stomach. There wasn't much showing compared to the rest of my stomach, but there were quite a few old cut scars showing. I yanked my shirt down quickly and sat up. Ben said nothing and his smile completely faded, and he stood up; staring at me with a sad expression.

"What?" He whispered really quietly, like he might start crying.

"I'm ready for super cool pool party sexy time," James came bursting through the bathroom.

"I'll change," Ben grabbed his suit, and spoke in monotone, slamming the bathroom door behind him.

"What's his problem? Did you say something mean?" James laughed to himself at his own sarcastic joke. "Yeah that was a dumb joke," He admitted.

***

I was devastated. I wasn't sure if Ben hated me right now, or if he thought I was insane. I didn't have an excuse or a cover-up. Those scars were so obviously self harm marks. There was no way around this. I couldn't do anything to get Ben to look me in the eye at the moment. Everyone else was unaware, therefore excited and giddy.

I'd been forced into the bikini sadly. I kept a towel wrapped around my chest, and it came down to my knees. I would avoid people viewing my stomach at all costs.

When we got down to the pool, Danny, Sam, Cam and James all ripped off their shirts and launched themselves into the pool. I was standing awkwardly on the side of the pool. I turned around to see what Ben was up to. He was walking towards me, shirtless, holding his Led Zeppelin shirt out towards me.

"I don't care if it gets wet. Wear it in the pool to hide them," He spoke to me with no emotion. He handed me the shirt, then leaped into the pool.

I silently thanked him and turned my back to the pool, so that I could drop the towel and throw the shirt over my head. It fit loosely, but I was glad to have it. I smiled and stepped into the pool following the guys.

"Oh so you're actually getting in?" Sam called to me with a grin.

I nodded, and smiled, swimming out towards the deeper part to stand with the guys. The water was warm, and just up to my collar bones.

"You can barely smell the chlorine," Cam sighed, leaned against the wall of the pool.

"Hey guys?" Danny said slowly.

"Hm?" They all responded, and I simply looked to him.

"Mac and chlorine," Danny burst into a fit of laughter.

"NO!" James screamed and pushed a ginormous wave into Niclas's face.

"What?!" Danny spat, as the rest of the guys, and I began to splash him in the face. He tried to hold his hand up to block the water, but was unsuccessful.

"No more mac and cheese jokes!" Ben yelled, laughed a little.

"Why not?" Danny pouted.

"I don't want to hear them either!" Sam laughed and sent another splash towards his face.

"B-but...mac and please?" Danny started out giggling, but was then sent into a choking fit as he was plunged into another water war.

***

The splashing became overwhelming and I headed to the hot tub. It was bubbling and steaming; exactly what I needed. I needed to relax for a second and process what Ben's just figured out. What could I say to make it better? Would I have to explain myself?

I stepped in slowly to let my feet get used to the hot water. I took a few moments, before allowing my thighs and the tip of Ben's shirt. I quickly sat on the edge, on the seat of the tub, and embraced the hot air emanating from the water, and exhaled in the bubbles.

I heard wet steps come up behind me, and a whole body plopped themselves into the water, taking the seat beside me. I turned to Ben with a horrified glance, because the water was extremely hot!

He let out a high pitched screech and his eyes widened. "Hot!" He bit his lip and shook his wet hair out of his eyes, trying to relax himself.

I looked at him with an apologetic face. I was trying to apologize for earlier, but I didn't have my board.

"Look, we need to talk about earlier," Ben sighed. I nodded quickly and started waving my arms to try to explain on the spot, with some sort of lie. I would try anything to get out of this.

"No. Don't try to write out an explanation, or sign it. I don't want to read it. You're not even going to bring it up, and neither will I. I'm not going to tolerate the subject until it's coming out of your fucking mouth. Don't you dare apologize by writing anything to me. You're never going to tell me shit about it, until you're speaking it," Ben stopped me and looked to me with complete seriousness.

My hands dropped and my face became expressionless. I was literally itching to explain to Ben. I wanted to talk to him about it. But I didn't want to talk to him about it.

I nodded slowly to him and tried to relax again, but now I was anxious. I was seriously contemplating talking to Ben. Legitimately talking.

He looked at me with a sorry look. "I didn't want to make you upset Lucy. I just don't feel right reading about that shit. I'd rather be able to hear your emotions," He put his hand on my shoulder. "But whatever it is, it's between us. I won't tell James or anyone,"

I silently thanked him for his secrecy. I was still upset though. I didn't know what to think right now. I was honestly confused by Ben's mixed feelings to what he saw. He knows I cut myself. There's no way around that. But he doesn't know why. And that's what he's dying to know. All the guys want me to talk, and they've gotten low enough to try to bribe me, and give me ultimatums.

***

I'd been forced to sleep on the couch, because I wasn't comfortable sleeping with James, and James wasn't comfortable with me sleeping with Ben. The two guys shared the bed, and I got a blanket, pillow and a couch. It was surprisingly nice, but I liked my foldout bed better.

When I woke up, I was surprised to find Ben lacing up his boots and James still snoring away.

"Get dressed, and get your board. I'm taking you to breakfast," Ben whispered to me. I raised an eyebrow and stretched, yawning wide and grunting.

I slipped out of bed, and rummaged through my bag. I yanked out a black off the shoulder tee shirt, and a pair of ripped jeans. I obeyed, and walked into the bathroom, to get changed. I did so, and applied my make up quickly, before stepping out and giving Ben a tired glare.

He pointed to the board, which I picked up with the marker, before I followed him into the hall. He slowed himself, to walk beside me. "We're not eating a the hotel. I want to talk to you without being interrupted by the guys," Ben explain as we got to the elevator.

***

We arrived at a small breakfast joint, by taxi. We took our seats at a booth, and I looked at the table silently as usual, with my board in front of me. Ben picked it up and scribbled down some shit, then handed it back to me.

"How are you?" He had written. I erased it with the side of my hand and wrote out a reply.

"Fine. You?" I handed him the board and marker.

"I have a question," Ben didn't look at me this time.

"Shoot," I was a little scared. It couldn't be about the cuts...right?

"What happened with that Gunnar kid?" He handed me the board.

"That's something you'd want me to speak about. I promise," I wrote hesitantly. It was too long to write out anyways. I handed him the board, and almost wanted to grab it back before he could read it.

"Okay, I understand. You're like my sister; So I'll beat him if you want," Ben chuckled as I read the message. My stomach felt funny and my heart thudded. I felt a little weird about the word 'sister'. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt wrong and upsetting.

"I have a counter question," I wrote, trying to ignore the word sister.

"Shoot," He smiled at me.

"When does your tour start?" I was still really fucking worried about that. I didn't want to be left alone for months on end, alone with my thoughts. I'd most definitely result to bad decisions.

"After Christmas!" Ben had a huge grin on his face.

"Wait, we're celebrating Christmas?" I cocked my head.

"Obviously!" He shouted aloud.

I giggled. "With a tree?"

"Of course. And we can have macaroni and Chinese for dinner," He smirked at me. He was obviously done with the board thing.

"This is going to be a strange Christmas," I wrote.

"No matter what we do, it's going to be weird," Ben laughed at me, and scoffed. Of course it'd be weird in this household.

"What can I get you two?" An annoyed sounding waiter, spoke to us.

"Oh uh two scrambled eggs and two chocolate milks," Ben ordered for us, luckily. I'd never been to a restaurant since I'd stopped talking. I couldn't imagine writing out an order for a waiter or waitress to read.

"Alright thanks. It'll be out soon," He collected our menus and left swiftly.

"That was easy," Ben laughed.

I suddenly kind of realized, that I don't know much about Ben. It'd be nice to get to know him, ya' know? I know barely anything about the guy that I'd shared a bed with the other night; the guy that now knows I've been cutting myself.

"How long have you been in America?" I wrote to him.

"Oh uh...a few years actually," He shrugged and put his elbows onto the table, to lean his face.

"Do you miss your family at all?" I asked. I felt awkward asking such a personal question.

"Family first," He explained and pulled at the collar of his shirt, revealing a tattoo that read his quote. "My parents are divorced though. And I have a sister,"

"I didn't know you had a sister too," I smiled to him. We had something in common!

"I didn't know you had a sister! Were you close?" Ben asked, with a grin.

"No. Never," I gave him a half smile. It didn't matter much, because I had no sympathy for the people who had abandoned me.

"That sucks, but I guess it's just another quirk about both of us," He chuckled, and his eyes sparkled a little again.

"Yeah I guess. Can we not go swimming tonight?" I shot him a pout, with my bottom lip out. I really didn't want to deal with the question; why are you wearing a shirt? again.

"I was actually just thinking that. Let's hangout in the hotel room instead. We can watch a stupid movie, and uh talkish for a while, and eat everything room service offers," Ben laughed and stuck his tongue out at me, childishly as a counter to my pout.

"I'll never argue room service," I giggled.

"Yeah, because you don't have to pay for it you bitch!" Ben laughed and swung his hand out to hit my shoulder. I laughed with him and hit his arm back.

"What movie, Ben?" I asked.

"Let's watch something really dumb. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street," His eyes lit up with excitement. I wasn't a fan of scary movies at all.

"Is it scary?" I cringed.

"Not at all. Just really cheesy," He shook his head reassuringly.

"Okay, fine," I sighed, as our food landed on the table.

***

Later on, James, Sam, Danny and Cam all left me and Ben in the room, while they headed for a 'dip' in the pool. We weren't expecting them back for a few hours now, and me and Ben had ordered A Nightmare on Elm Street 1 from Netflix on room service.

I'd plopped myself onto James's side of the bed, in direct line of the flat screen, while Ben hit play. He jumped back onto the bed, making me bounce a bit. I giggled as he crawled over to sit beside me, with our shoulders against each others. He was wearing a sleeveless band tee, with the logo of a band I didn't recognize, so the warmth of his skin was against my cold arm.

"You're freezing! Like, mac and freeze!" Ben flinched as his arm touched mine. I nodded slowly, and he grabbed the edge of the comforter, and pulled it up to me, covering me. "I don't want you to get sick," He laughed.

The movie started, and it definitely looked like one of those horrible, cheesy movies from the 80's. The logo was horribly done, and sloppy. I rolled my eyes automatically, and shrugged.

"You know, it'd be much easier to have a conversation with you, if you'd talk to me," He whispered to me, as some girl ran around in her PJ's.

I nodded, because I did know. I laughed a little and ignored his comment.

"Please?" He mumbled. "Mac and please?"

I shook my head.

"I'm dying to hear your voice," Ben groaned. "Please? Why are you hiding it anyways? I'll bet it's beautiful,"

I ignored him and felt myself blush really fucking badly.

OH MY GOD WHAT THAT GUY HAS KNIVES FOR FINGERS WHAT THE FUCK NO! HE DESTROYED THAT GIRL WHAT IS SHE HAVING AN EXORSISM OR SOMETHING LIKE WHAT IS THAT JUST NO!

My head fucking raced a mile a minute and I panicked, stuffing my face into Ben's chest and letting out a loud whimper. I hated knives actually, which might sound horrifyingly ironic.

"Lucy, are you alright?" Ben's hand flew to the back of my head, and he held it there. He placed his other palm on my arm and rubbed my arm to comfort me.

I shook my head violently into his soft chest, and I felt his chin rest on my head beside his hand. He released the pressure from his chin for a split second, and I felt his lips gently press into my hair. Butterflies fucking destroyed my stomach, and my whole body became numb. I didn't want to remove my face from the position, because now my face was burning red.

"I hope you're scared of the movie, and not what I said," He mumbled in my ear and breathed a laugh. I chuckled and nodded.

"The movie?" I nodded again. "Alright good," Ben sighed, as his chest fell. I could hear his heart beat softly.

The movie continued and I could hear a whole lot of screaming. The movie just sounded creepy in general. I wanted to see what was happening at some parts, so I would turn my head slightly to see the screen. Otherwise, I was perfectly comfortable keeping my red face hidden from Ben's view, nuzzled into his chest. He'd kept his chin on my head, and I was quite okay with that as well.

I started thinking back to however I reacted when he kissed my head. I couldn't possibly like Ben. I've never even talked to him! There's no way. I only acted like that because I was embarrassed. that had to have been the cause. Besides; it's quite unethical to fall for your cousins best friend!

***

***James's POV***

I sat on the edge of the pool, and let my legs dangle into the water, and kicked a splash into Sam's face.

"Too bad Lucy wore Ben's shirt yesterday, huh?" Cam yelled, drunk as fuck and apparently with a death wish.

"That's my fucking cousin mate. You shut the fuck up. She's off limit's to all of you wankers," I scolded them with complete seriousness. I didn't want anyone trying to hook up with my cousin. She was going through enough shit as it is.

"Tell that to Ben upstairs, aight mate?" Danny laughed.

"What do you mean?" I cocked my head.

"Ben is upstairs with Lu, alone in a hotel room. And you're suspicious of us?" Sam chuckled.

"I didn't think of that..." I thought for a moment though. Ben would never! He's my best friend, and he knows better. "It's really nothing to worry about,"

"Then don't worry about us!" Cam pushed a wave in my direction, splashing my knees.

"I'm not! I just want to clarify that Lucy is off limits on any circumstance. I don't care if she's drowning! None of you are giving my cousin mouth to mouth!" I laughed a little, because I knew I was being ridiculous. But at the same time, I was being completely serious. Lucy was like my sister now, and I would give her my life to help her. I'd invested a lot of emotion into my cousin. She was the family I've always wanted, but never had.

***

***Lucy's POV***

"You don't like this movie at all, do you?" Ben asked, while we had stayed in the same position through the whole film so far.

I shook my head and I heard him let out a muffled laugh. "I'll turn it off, and we can eat and hang out," He slowly rose, and I released my head from his chest, leaning against the pillow propped on the wall. He climbed out of the bed and turned off the movie, which happened to terrify me.

I took my board from the bedside table and scribbled, "Truth or dare?"

"Truth!" Ben chuckled a little as he read it, and jumped onto the bed, sitting across from me Indian style.

"Do you have any strange talents?" I wrote with a grin.

"James didn't tell you?! Aw shit!" Ben grinned, and pulled at the sleeve of his shirt to reveal his chest. He pulled his nipple really far out, and bent down and licked it. I grimaced and stuck my tongue out in disgust. I could've gone my whole life without seeing that! "Okay, truth or dare Lucy,"

"Truth," I wrote with a smile.

"Okay hmm. I'm really bad at this game. What was your first impression of me?" He grinned, and intertwined his fingers, putting them to his face.

I thought back for a moment, thinking really hard. "I noticed your eyes, and thought you were cute," I blushed like a fucking maniac and didn't look at him at all when I held up the board.

"Aw! That's so sweet!" He laughed. Thinking back again; I remembered making a comment to myself about thinking his laugh was adorable.

"Truth or dare?" I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore my blushing.

"Truth," He was still chuckling a little.

"What's your inspiration for song writing, if you ever write with the band?" I asked.

"I write about a lot of things," Ben shrugged. "I wrote about this bitch I used to know on the last album, and there's a few songs on this one about another whore, and one's about family, and some are about my friends. I have some lyric's I'd like to say that you inspired," He smiled awkwardly. "I'd like to work on a solo project too,"

"Really? Like what?" I asked, intrigued. No one had ever written even the smallest lyric about me. Except maybe the ugly song. U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Yeah, that's definitely about me.

"You'll see when my solo album comes out!" He laughed and pushed my shoulder. "I just have three more songs to perfect. There's one that I need to finish recording, one I need to rerecord because I changed the lyrics, and one I need to finish writing," Ben admitted. "You should help me!"

"With what?" I cocked my head.

"The writing process. I need someone else's opinion. It's a slower song, with mostly guitar and it's a sort of love song, so it'd be weird to ask the guys for advice on it," Ben's face lit up at the idea.

"I'd love to help, but I'm probably no good with lyrics," I shied away.

"No! I'll bet you are! I need your opinion Lu! Please? Mac and please?" Ben pouted and tried not to laugh at the horribly cheesy joke. Get it? Cheesy?!

"Fine," I rolled my eyes and smiled, caving into his cute puppy dog eyes.

"Yay! We'll start working on it tomorrow when we get back from our hotel adventure!" Ben smiled huge and leaped over to give me a ginormous embrace.

***