I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I woke up with the worst kind of hang over headache. You know the kind that’s accompanied by nausea? Yeah, that one, but on top of all that I could tell it wasn’t even 5 a.m. yet. There was no reason for me to be awake right now, but then I noticed it. I didn’t wake up on my own. No, of course not. Jamison was lying next to me squirming like an idiot.

“Jamie.” I groaned, and immediately I could feel him tense beside me, like he had been doing something wrong, but I knew he wasn’t. He had more self respect than to jack off in my bed, even if I did kind of leave him hanging last night.

Seriously though, what could I have done? I broke a huge barrier between us, without even thinking of the backlash of my actions.

How the hell did this boy make me do all these stupid fucking things?

First he has me being nice to him, and then he has me actually caring about his feelings? Sure it was all under the impression of alcohol, but he wasn’t stupid. Even under the influence of ANY substance, I don’t just give out free advice like that at least, and I’ve never just randomly cared about someone. Especially someone as useless as Jamie, but his wimpy cute whiney self just strikes some weird chord with me. Jamison in distress made me jump in with everything I had and put a band aid over the wound that might be forming.

I had to nip these feelings in the butt. There’s no way around it. There’s no reason for me to get Jamie confused about feeling I may or may not have for him. Though… That would be the perfect distraction for our class bet… No. No that’s low, even for me.

He was a nice kid, and I needed to distance myself from him before that drunken kiss turns into something more. Not just for him, but for me too apparently. But… Not now. No, now I’m going to “unconsciously” enjoy myself and pull this sweet scented boy against me, and hold him tightly while we sleep.

And that’s exactly what I did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t waste any time the next morning getting out of there. This seemed to be a really common theme with me though, so I figured Jamie expected it.

I just grabbed some clothes and my school books and left. I had a few friends on campus that I could stay with, but which one to pick?

A girl? A guy? Like… Which one? I couldn’t go to Leonard after last night, and I didn’t want to go to Adam/Darren’s for obvious reasons as well, but it looks like I’ll just have to suck it up since those are the only people who had a room big enough to spare a space for me.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I contemplated my two options, and decided to go with Adam/Darren. If I give him some sob story about how I’m changing and how I’m scared, his inner female will come out and want to protect me and nurture me until I’m ready to go face my “big life changes” head on.

It’s sad how predictable people are sometimes.

“Hey… Kyle!” I said, quickly remembering his actual name as he answered the phone. “Look, I’m really sorry about last time we hung out, but I need you right now. I’m having a bit of a crisis and… I just kinda need a friend you know? Do you mind if I crash on your couch for a few days while I figure myself out?”

The line was silent for a few minutes, and I knew that wasn’t my most sincere sounding voice, but it should have been good enough.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He sighed and I could have all but jumped for joy in that moment. “When are you coming over?”

“Uh now if that’s fine. I look like hell though, just a fair warning.”

“Yeah, come on over.” We hung up shortly after that, and I smiled proudly to myself.

Using Kyle wasn’t a game per say, but it was easy. I didn’t have to see him every day. If I got tired of him, I could just leave. But with Jamie… Well I was stuck with him, at least for this semester.

I went back around the dorms and traveled up the south entrance stairs, knowing for sure that I wouldn’t see Jamie by accident. I wanted to keep this as smooth and as easy of a transition as possible. Last thing I needed was an awkward conversation as to why I ran away after we kissed.

But then it hit me, I knew from the start that that was what I was doing, but… I didn’t take into consideration that Jamie was going to probably feel like shit if I wasn’t there when he woke up.

I wanted to just lie on the ground and kick and scream. This whole thing was too damn confusing.

Running away wasn’t the answer, so what was? God, why couldn’t running away be the answer…

I texted Kyle quickly and told him that there was a change of plans, and that I wouldn’t actually need to stay in his room, but to keep the space free just in case I just needed some guy time. Though I knew he probably begrudgingly said this, he told me alright, and that he would.

About halfway back to mine and Jamie’s room, I found myself walking faster than usual, and I literally had to stop walking and re-pace my steps just to get myself to slow down.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I’ve never done anything but run away and it’s always worked out for me. Why am I running back? This isn’t like me at all.

I ran away from home at sixteen to escape my drunk father and my weak mother, I ran away from Boston to escape even allowing myself to grieve for Jana’s death, and I’ve ran away from every relationship that could have turned into a serious thing… So why can’t I run away from a nerd with glasses that are too big for his face?

“Jamie?” I whispered as I chucked my bag to the side of the room. There was no movement on my bed, so he was either dead or still sleeping. I decided to go with the latter on this one and climbed back in bed next to him. He adjusted himself briefly before looking up at me, and then quickly reaching behind himself to get his glasses, but I stopped him. “Just, go back to sleep dude.” I said, feigning a yawn as I squirmed my way under the sheets.

“You’re upset.” He sighed. “I watched you pack up your stuff this morning… Why are you back?”

“Because I’m a grown ass man and I do as I please.” I chuckled. “Just forget about it okay?”

I could tell that he wanted to talk more, but I pulled the blanket over my shoulders and closed my eyes tightly.

It shouldn’t be this hard to run away. It really shouldn’t. I could leave right now. I could march down the stairs to Joyce and just have her change my room. I could take back what I said to Kyle and just end up moving in there. But I couldn’t.

I just can’t bring myself to do that, and it fucking sucks.

I heard him sigh, but nothing else was mentioned. He just curled back up against me and wrapped one of his thin arms around me loosely.

I really just couldn’t win with this boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up a few hours later to a weird familiar scent. I tried to keep my eyes shut, but my stomach growled too loud for me to ignore.

“Good afternoon sleepy head.” Jamie laughed as I rolled over to see what exactly he had. “I ordered us food.”

“Oh… Thanks.” I said as I scooted up on my bed.

“Yeah, I figured I’d need to butter you up before we have this awkward conversation.” He chuckled, adjusting his glasses on his face quickly before handing me the food he got me. Nothing extravagant, but a burger was exactly what I was craving.

“Okay, go on.”

“It was just a kiss.” He laughed awkwardly. “So, I know you were just trying to spare my feelings this morning when you came back… But you didn’t have to leave in the first place. I know we were drunk and I know that on any normal day that wouldn’t have happened. So, no more awkward okay?”

I nodded, not really entirely sure how to verbally respond to that.

I felt kind of empty though. I don’t know if I subconsciously wanted the “awkward” or not, but shit. All that stressing I had done this morning resulted in nothing. All that shit I beat myself up for earlier ended up in a simple dismissal.

“You’re right.” I chuckled as I closed the Styrofoam container my food was in. “Are you going to be alright tonight then? You can catch up with your friend or something right? Maybe talk to that Russ guy? Figure out your conundrum with him?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so… Why? What are you doing?”

“That tall blonde kid has a sick new hookah that he wants to try out with me so… Yeah, I don’t know what time I’ll be back, so don’t wait up.” I feigned a smile and grabbed my bag. “I’ll catch ya later kid.”

“Keagan, this is-“ I waved as I closed the door behind me, cutting him off mid sentence as I called a few other people to see where I could crash.

It was like I was homeless all over again. I wasn’t not popular in high school, but it was one of those weird types of popular where every one just wants to be acquainted to you, but not actually have the burdens of a real friendship.

So in my darkest days with my dad I never had anyone to turn too. No one cared when I showed up to school with a black eye or a busted lip, and no one even batted a lid when I came in with my arm broken. No teachers, no guidance councilors, no one.

I never had anyone, so when I ran away I wouldn’t have even dreamt of couch surfing. Living in doorways of restaurants to avoid rain or in the dark corners of a subway seemed like heaven compared to a night with my old man.
But now I had people, sure, they might not all really want me there, but this was college and I always stick to the “if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” promise; whether it is a drug hook up, or just hooking them up with someone, and most people really do respect that.

I found someone finally who had room in their heart to let me crash in their room, and it was definitely a bonus. It was this cute boy I met from freshman year who I undoubtedly lost contact with. Short, messy brown hair, and a crooked smile- exactly how I liked them.

Getting lucky was now on top of my to do list for today, especially since I now had a worthy candidate. I knew for a fact this kid was gay, so the only hard part now was to subtly put the idea in his mind so that I didn’t seem like the bad guy in the morning.

And I know having sex never fills a void, but it sure does kill a lot of time in between.