I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I was actually really excited to go home. I missed my family, my friends, and my room. I missed the atmosphere in general. School was fun at times, and Keagan and I were finally in a decent place friendship wise, but it didn't stop me from longing for home.

My parents were happy to see me obviously. I was pretty close with them. They didn't have a huge welcoming for me but that was expected, it's not like I was gone for too long.

I think my sister missed me the most, she drew me a picture and gave it to me as soon as I walked in the door. It was sweet and made me feel almost guilty for leaving at all.

"So how is school going son? Good I assume?"

I smiled and nodded as I stopped piling my mom’s lasagna in my mouth. It was hard to stop; I missed home cooked meals so much.

"Yea it's going great. Much different than high school but I like the challenge. I can't wait until next year when I'm able to take classes more into my major."

My dad nodded at me and smiled at my mother.

"We're so proud of you. We're really glad you're enjoying it, we just miss you a lot. Make sure you try and come home on more weekends, we'd really like that."

"Oh of course dad. I was just getting settled and stuff, now that I'm used to how it is there I'll be able to come here more often. I miss you guys too."

I wanted to visit more, it was just hard to go back and forth, with all the traveling involved and whatnot. Hey maybe they could come visit too, like get a hotel or something and see me after classes. That would be cool.

I hung out with my family for the first two days I was home, and then I made plans to hang out with Livvie and Russ. At first I wanted to go out and do something exciting and different, but then it started to rain and I changed my mind.

The rain didn't bother me but I knew Livvie wouldn't want to get her hair and makeup all messed up so I figured we could postpone our outdoor adventure.

I found it a little odd that it took Russ a while to answer my text, he was usually good with replying. I wanted to think there was no reason as to why but deep down I knew better.

Hey what's up?

Nothing much, was just wondering if you wanna hang out? Livvie's house?

Yea sounds good, I'll meet you there in ten

Livvie lived around the block from me so I walked there. Russ lived a town over so it didn't ever take him too long to get there which was nice. I guess I was really lucky growing up. I had both my best friends super close to me always, it was an awesome experience. And even though I'm away at school it still feels like the old days in a way.

Me and Livvie were just watching TV when Russ arrived. He was dressed differently, like Russ never cared much about how he looked but he had on a button down shirt and nice pants. It was weird, but he looked good.

"Where are you going, a job interview?" I said jokingly as I got up to hug him hello.

He didn't hug me back as tightly as I hugged him. He gave me a bro hug.

"No I didn't have anything else to put on. Do I look stupid?"

I shook my head.

"No not at all Russ. You look like a normal person, I like it."

At least I got him to half smile.

I knew something was up with him I just didn't know what. Livvie noticed it a while back but now that I was here I was witnessing it too. He was just not himself, his usual sarcastic awkward funny self.

All of us just sat around for a while and talked, watched a movie and then concocted something up for dinner. Livvie was pretty talkative which was good because Russ and I didn't have much to say besides things about school.

Russ barely made eye contact with me and barely touched his food. So when Livvie went to the bathroom I approached my friend.

"Let's go Russ. When Liv gets out we'll both say we have to leave. There's obviously something wrong and you don't want to discuss it in front of her."

He bit his lip.

"Okay we'll do that."

I wasn't surprised that he agreed to it so quickly, Russ was always the agreeable type. He made me that way too a little bit, when I was younger I was so stubborn.

"Hey Livvie Russ and I are going to head out, we'll text you later ok?"

She looked confused but she accepted it.

"Alright guys I'll see you later, thanks for helping with dinner. Glad you're back home Jamison."

We hugged her goodbye and then I hopped in Russ' car.

I thought that he would drive to his house so we could sit comfortably and talk, but instead he took us to a random side street in-between my house and Livvie’s house. That made me think he was pissed at me or something, but I didn’t do anything. I hated how he was acting so incredibly weird. Here I was thinking everything was perfectly fine with us but in actuality it wasn’t at all.

“So talk to me Russ. What’s going on? I can tell that you’re not acting how you normally do.”

He put his car in park but still had his hands on the steering wheel. He still couldn’t look at me.

“I really don’t even know how to tell you Jamison. Like, I’m sorry. About how I acted. But I can’t help it.”

I furrowed my eyebrows and looked in his direction.

“But why? Just tell me. I’m your best friend. If you can’t talk to me or Livvie about it then you’re stuck with dealing with things on your own. So I think if you just open up and say what’s on your mind it’ll be better for you. Trust me.”

Finally his eyes met mine. They looked… angry.

“I think what we were doing was a mistake. I regret the whole thing; everything about it. I think it was so wrong of us to damage our friendship by doing what we did.”

Ok so wow.

Keagan was right.

This is exactly what he said was wrong.

“What? Russ it wasn’t a mistake. It was both of our ideas, we both agreed to it. It was… good. It was fine, up until now. What changed?”

He started to tap his foot, and it made me nervous. Even though the car was in park I felt like we were about to plunge into somebody’s house.

“Everything changed. Everything. I-“

He stopped and then shook his head.

I didn’t say anything, I just let him collect his thoughts and continue.

“I feel like I’ll never be the same. Yeah, when it was happening it felt good and it felt right. Then you left. So I thought the easiest thing to do was just try and hook up with someone else so I didn’t have to think about you being gone and not around to… do whatever. But what ended up happening was so god damn embarrassing Jamison I can’t even explain to you,” he said almost out of breath. “I thought for at least 3 years that I was bi. But now I’m second guessing that and it’s all your fault. I’ve never been more humiliated and confused in my life and you’re the one to blame.”

I was taken aback by that.
What was he even saying?

“What do you mean Russ? You… you don’t think you’re into guys anymore? Are you saying that I turned you straight beca-“

“No!” he shouted. “You’re not hearing me. You got it all wrong. I- I don’t think I like girls anymore. You turned me completely gay. I was hitting it off with this girl from one of my classes… I asked her out. We had a good time and things were going good. But then when it was time to take things to the next level I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it J. Do you know what that did to me? I ran out of there like an idiot. Never talked to her again. Because I couldn’t get it up. I couldn’t no matter what I did. Because all that was swarming in my head was thoughts of me getting fucked by you.”

Holy shit.

Wait. What?

Am I hearing this right?

“Russ- I never meant to cause this. You have to know that. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not bi. You could just need more time… maybe you were nervous.”

He squeezed the wheel.

“No I wasn’t. I was into her. She was pretty, had a nice chest and all that. But my body didn’t want any part of it. It was awful. I don’t even want to attempt it again.”

This didn’t make any sense to me at all.

“Maybe-“

He didn’t let me finish.

“Look I know your intentions wasn’t to turn me. But you did. And I’m sorry Jamison but the only way I can get through this is if I disassociate myself with you for a while. I know that means that we’ll have to tell Livvie, but it’s ok. She would have found out anyway. I just can’t even deal with this right now. I thought for sure that I was into both guys and girls. Now I’m feeling like I don’t know myself at all. And seeing you just reminds me of all the times I was in your bed, or my bed, or wherever. It repeats in my mind over and over. And I can’t take it,” he said and turned his car back on. “I think it’ll blow over. I do. But for a little while, I can’t be around you. You can’t text me or call me or anything. And that’s the end of it.”

And that was that.

He said what he had to say and then he drove me to my house in silence. And that was it.

I was really upset about what he told me, what he was implying. That it was all my fault? It was partially his idea too. It couldn’t have just been me, could it?

All I knew at that point was that if I couldn’t be civil with my two friends, I didn’t want to be there. My family would understand if I wanted to go back to school early to get my work done, so that’s the lie that I told them.

They paid for my early flight back, and I asked Keagan to pick me up; which he did.

I didn’t want to explain to him why I came back so soon, but I knew he wouldn’t let this slide.

“Can we just not talk about it?” I asked pathetically.

He looked at me like a sad puppy and kept driving; and I appreciated that more than he would ever know.

When we got into our room I noticed that he took my old sheets off my bed and replaced them, and made it look nice. It was a small but nice gesture that made me smile even though I was in a bad mood.

"You bought this pillow top for me?"

He smirked at me.

"No the bedding fairy came in and set it up for you Jamie."

I folded my arms. "You're hilarious Keagan really. Here I am trying to say thank you and you have to ruin it."

He laughed.

"Oh well in that case, you're welcome!"

I blinked at him a few times and fixed my glasses. I was bad at being flirtatious but clearly it was in Keagan's blood.

I sat down on my new bed set and sighed. Keagan was being semi sweet and all that but I still had Russ on my mind. All throughout the flight all I kept thinking about was what he said to me.

"Hey so since you're back, how about we crack open some beers huh?"

It was my turn to smirk now.

"Since beer is your go to meal? Especially in rare cases of human emotion."

"Oh shut up Jamie I have emotions. Just be quiet and drink this!" He said as he handed me a cold bud light.

I opened it up and took a sip. Keagan sat down next to me, right next to me. I could feel his shoulder touching mine.

"But really thank you for the pillow top and making my bed nice, I appreciate it."

He flashed me a genuine happy smile and it made me feel special. And I realized then that he's one of the only guys that's ever made me feel that way.