I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I wasn’t peeking; I swear to god I wasn’t peeking, but who could blame me for looking?

A freshly showered Keagan comes out of the bathroom and… Holy shit. Let me just tell you… Woo.

I closed my eyes when I noticed that he was going to turn towards me after his towel had dropped, just to maintain an ounce of dignity in my self, but honestly… His back half was exciting enough.

“It’s okay to look now.” He laughed his voice unusually cheerful for the morning. “You’re a terrible faker.”

“You woke me up.” I groaned as my cheeks flushed. I could be a perfect verbal liar but my face would always give me away.

“Well, it is noon and I would like to go shopping today. Christmas is coming up and papa needs some new cologne.”

“Please tell me you’re actually talking about like your dad or grandfather.” I laughed, immediately regretting those words as I watched Keagan’s facial expressions tighten up.

“No.” He chuckled half heartedly. “I’m papa, and I need some smelly good shit.”

“Well alright!” I said, trying to act as if I didn’t notice how uncomfortable I just made him, because if there is one thing I know, playing ignorant is definitely the key with maintaining the peace with this man.

After I got dressed we left without a second thought. Keagan of course drove, but something was up. I couldn’t tell what, but he just looked off.

“What’s going on?” I asked, hoping he would glance over at me.

“Nothing.” He sighed, and although he didn’t look at me, I could see his fists tighten around the steering wheel, and that told me more than a facial expression ever could.

“Keagan, I’m sorry I said what I did earlier, but… Shit like that’s just going to keep coming out of my mouth if you don’t give me a concrete reason to actually avoid mentioning parental topics.”

“You would have thought me telling you that I ran away and chose living with a woman I didn’t even fucking know would be reason enough.” He snapped. “Look, I’m not mad at you, okay? You have no reason to sensor yourself because I shouldn’t even be upset. I just need to push the problem back out of my mind again.”

We sat quietly for a few minutes, and I could tell just by how he was sitting that he wasn’t relaxing any more than he had been a few minutes ago… So why not poke the badger a little more.

“Is that why you drink?” I deadpanned unashamedly.

“Yes, I drink to forget.” I would have taken that seriously, but he said it in such an obnoxious tone that I had no doubt he was just trying to get me to shut up.

“And you sleep with every one because you have Daddy issues. It all makes so much sense now.” Yep, I brought it there. I fucking did, and you know why? It needed to be said. He said I don’t need to sensor myself, so I won’t.

“You know what?” Keagan veered off the side of the road and parked so abruptly that I think we both might have gotten whiplash. “Fuck you Jamison, why the fuck are you talking like this? What the fuck has gotten into you? Oh wait, clearly no one has since the only guy who would fuck you pushed you so far out of his life that he can’t even be gay anymore.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.” I laughed. “Why don’t you stop shifting the topic and be a man and stay on one about yourself. Or can little Keagan not handle that?” I don’t even know why I was continuing with this now. What he said didn’t hurt me, but the rise I was getting out of him was just… It was almost intoxicating.

“Jamison you might want to check yourself, because you’re really starting to piss me off.”

“Oh am I? I’m sorry, I didn’t know cold heartless Keagan could feel. Are you gonna hit me? Is that how you’re going to solve this problem?”

He looked at me for a moment and I tried to gauge what he was feeling, but I couldn’t… Or at least it wasn’t anything I wanted to see. I couldn’t find any anger, any hate, he just looked sad.

He pulled us back out into traffic without even looking. In fact, it didn’t even look like he was even paying attention to what he was doing at all.

“Keagan… Keagan… Keagan!” I shouted finally, but nothing seemed to be getting through to him. No, actually he seemed to just regress further into himself and press harder on the gas pedal.

I could feel my heart beating through my chest as everything became a blur. I was screaming for him to pull over or at least just to stop swerving in between cars; I begged with apologies even.

“Oh, you want me to stop?” He laughed, clearly out of his mind now. “Fine I’ll fucking stop!” He swerved off the road and onto a dirt shoulder before getting out and slamming the door behind him. I could hear the car horns honking behind us angrily, but my attention mainly focused on the man outside, stomping about as he pulled at his hair.

I tentatively got out of his car and closed the door quietly, not wanting to disrupt him any more than I already had.

“That, that right there is how I fucking feel when that… That scum is brought up.” He turned and pointed at the car. “Every single fucking time.”

“Keagan, I’m… I’m-“

“No you’re not!” He shouted, cutting me off. “You’re not fucking sorry Jamison, this is what you fucking wanted it isn’t it? You wanted me to freak out, you wanted me react, and when it didn’t happen how you plan, you just want to back out?”

“N-“

“You want to know so fucking bad about why I can’t talk about him? Why every time you try to bring up all my dirty laundry I shut you down?” He asked, clearly rhetorically. “I can’t even say his name without breaking down Jamison. The shit he did to me is literally unspeakable.”

“Keagan, you don’t have-“

“No, clearly I fucking do.” He snapped again. “You want to know so fucking badly about why Keagan is the way he is so here you go!” I tried to shake my head no, but he grabbed my arm and yanked me back to the car and nearly threw me against it. “Tell me Jamison, do you know what it’s like to have to wake up every morning in fear of even leaving your bed. Only to know that if you don’t leave your bed the punishment will be even worse?”

I shook my head no because at this moment I dared not to even speak.

“Of course you don’t.” He laughed. “And tell me Jamison, do you know what it feels like to be beaten so brutally, that you can’t even scream out in pain any more? Or do you know what it feels like to watch your mother- the one person who was supposed to protect you- cry as she looks away so she doesn’t have to witness what is happening to her child?” There were tears forming in his eyes, but he didn’t bother to break eye contact with me, but I had to do something. So I pushed myself away from the car and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and refused to let go.

No matter how hard he pushed, no matter how angry his words were, I just held on tighter.

I made this happen, and I was going to fix it.

“I can’t even look at reclining chairs without freaking out now.” He sobbed, finally letting himself break down. I didn’t utter a word though as he cried because I knew any sort of verbal comfort would only make him clam up. I just nodded, silently letting him know that he was safe and that I had him now. “Why would she let him do that to me Jamie? Why? I took the pain from her… I took it all. Why didn’t she do anything?”

“I don’t know.” I whispered right before Keagan collapse in my arms, bringing us both down to our knees on the dirt and rock covered ground.

I could hear how labored his breathing was, so I ran my fingers through his hair as I comforted him through this melt down.

We had to have been out there for an hour or so though, because eventually people stopped driving and came over to see if they could help us, but I just waved them away until Keagan came too.

“Can… Can we just go home?” He mumbled as he stood up and brushed away what tears he had left on his cheeks with his dirt covered hands.

“Yeah, I’ll drive.” I took the keys from him and helped him over into the car before actually getting in my self.

He laid his head against the window and just stared silently until I got us so lost that I had to ask him how to even get back to campus.

He laughed though, and honestly that was somewhat of a good sign.

When we got back to campus, he held my hand all the way to our dorm. Once we got inside he insisted that he shower again and that he just needed to be alone for a few minutes.

Though I wanted to argue, I didn’t. I just changed out of my dirt stained clothes and into some pajamas seeing as how I doubted he and I would be going anywhere else today.

Keagan didn’t take too excruciatingly long in the shower though, and he was fully dressed in his own pajamas when he came out this time, which in itself was a slight blessing for me. Last thing I needed to be was horny right now.

“Can you grab me my blue hoodie from the closet? You’re closer.” He asked quietly as he sat down on his bed. I nodded and inwardly chuckled; glad he was finally starting to be Keagan again.

But something in the closet caught my eye.

“What are these?” I asked as I drug out the canvases from the back corner. I glanced at Keagan, but he just shrugged.

“Just some shit I did while you were gone.”

“Can I look at them?”

“I don’t care; just throw me my hoodie first.” I rolled my eyes but did what was asked of me.

The wooden canvases were all different sizes, ranging from maybe a foot tall to one that almost came up to my shoulder.

The first few didn’t really capture my attention, due to just being whirls of colors, but then there was one.

One that was absolutely breath taking.

“Keagan…” I whispered, pulling the medium sized canvas away from all the others. “This is beautiful.”

He looked up from his bed, and immediately his cheeks went bright red.

“Shit, I forgot about that one.” He laughed. “But uh… Thank you.”

I didn’t know why he was blushing, but I couldn’t help but marvel at how beautiful it was.

It was just a hand holding a pocket watch; one side being a clocks face, and the other being the silhouette of what I assumed to be a loved one. It was a simple concept, but it just looked so real.

“I know this is going to be weird… But can I have this?” I asked, with a huge smile on my face as I clung to the painting.

“Uh… I don’t think you really want that one. What about this one of the trees and the couple, or this one with-“

“Keagan, you can just say no. But I want this one; the others are amazing as well, but I love this one.”

“I really don’t think you do, it would uh…” He looked down at the painting and blushed even more, and I knew he was trying to hold something back, but he just sighed. “It would be really weird to own something with your own face on it.”

“What?” I laughed, not understanding a lick of what he was saying.

“Nothing; never mind. Just take it.” He mumbled as he turned and headed back to his bed.

“No really, what do you mean?”

“That’s your face.” He stated bluntly. “The silhouette is yours.” I turned the painting towards myself and looked again; I didn’t even notice the silhouette wasn’t of a female, but the face couldn’t have possibly of been mine… It could have been anyone’s.

“Really?” I asked, now triple guessing myself. “Whose hand is that then?”

Keagan held up his own hand and now we were both blushing.

“See I told you that you didn’t really want this…” He mumbled and I just shook my head.

“No, I kind of want it even more now…” I said honestly, clutching the painting against me again.

Keagan just shrugged and smiled this time before motioning for me to follow him to his bed.

"Fine, it's yours then. But don't expect me to paint you anything else."