I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I woke up with a headache for no reason. I didn't even drink the night before, I was just so tired and drained that it just caught up to me. And then there was the whole Keagan thing... which I felt terrible about. He just walked away from me and kept on walking. Running after him was pointless- Keagan was one of the most stubborn people in the world, I knew that. I didn't think that he would just leave like that.

And also, I had no idea that he disliked Russ as much as he actually did.

I mean, from his standpoint Russ looked like a total asshole with no redemption. But Keagan didn't know the kind of person that Russ was like I did. I used to be so close to Russ, we hung out every day pretty much. I could forgive him for what he did, but Keagan couldn't; and that was understandable. I just wanted us all to be friends but I was slowly realizing that it wasn't going to happen.

Somehow I managed to get up from my bed and make it to my feet without crawling back into my bed like a lazy bum.

I rubbed my temples and started to walk out of my room and towards the guest room.

Just as I was about to knock, Keagan came out of the room and accidentally hit me with the door.

"Oh shit- sorry Jamie I didn't know you were standing there, are you ok?" He asked in a slight panic.

I was fine, the door didn't hit me hard, it just surprised me. It took my mind off of the pain in my head so that was a plus.

A small part of me wanted to pretend like he injured me so he'd feel bad... but my morals got to me and I decided to be honest.

"No I'm fine, really," I said and fixed my glasses. "Where were you off to in such a hurry anyway?"

Keagan held the back of his neck and shrugged his shoulders.

"I was going to go out for a run/jog whatever you want to call it. Before it rained."

It did rain a lot here. I was surprised that it didn't rain more while we were here actually.

"Oh ok. Well you better go now before you miss your chance."

I tried not to stare at Keagan's eyes the way that I usually did. I knew he was still mad at me and upset about Russ, so I didn't want to play the flirting game with him. His eyes were so enchanting though. Today they were almost jade green. Like the darkest green eyes I have ever seen.

Keagan looked behind him, and took his hands away from his neck.

"Pretty sure I just saw lightening."

I was glad that we were having a storm.

We needed to talk, and I had a feeling it was just going to get pushed back further if it was being pushed back in the first place.

"At least you didn't leave yet. That would suck if you were a mile away when the rain/lightening started," I said trying to lighten the mood a little.

I got him to half smile, so I tried my luck. "But um. Actually- could I maybe come in your room for a minute? We still need to have that talk."

He didn't say yes or no, he just moved out of the doorway so I could enter.

I had a feeling this wouldn't go well, but I was hoping that by some chance that it would. Keagan meant a lot to me; my relationship with him was important, and I wanted to make sure that we were ok.

I took it upon myself to sit on Keagan's unmade bed.

He wasn't going to speak first so it was my job to do so. I just didn't really know what to say exactly. There have been so many times when I was in this position, the 'I have so much on my mind but have no idea where to start' position. I could write papers on any topic and have no problem coming up with a thesis statement, intro, body, and conclusion... but when it came down to interpersonal communication I guess I just kind of sucked.

I figured that by just opening my mouth something useful would come out.

"Look, I know you don't care for Russ. You have every reason to not like him and I'm at fault for that. But he's really trying to turn over a new leaf and accept himself. And I know it sounds like an excuse to forgive him on my part but it's really not. I've known him for a long time. I don't want there to be tension between all of us."

Keagan folded his arms and remained standing.

"You're right I don't care for him. He's a dick. He treated you like garbage and kicked you out of his life after he messed around with you for months. It's fucked up, Jamie. What he did is way worse than anything I've ever done to anyone, and that's saying a lot. I can't believe that you're willing to see past the bullshit. He's just going to end up hurting you again. He's already coming in between us."

Us.

Us?

Did Keagan just imply that there was/is/could be an us?

"What do you mean Keagan?"

His eyes lit up like he just realized what he said.

"You know what I mean, Jamie. Like- he's getting in the way. You couldn't chose me or him, so I chose for you-"

"That's not fair," I said as I stood up. "That's so not fair and you know it. You never gave him a chance. And I get that you don't want to. He might not either. But you're both part of my life and I don't want to lose either of you."

And for two seconds I grew a huge pair of balls. I continued, "As much as you try to hide it I know that you care about me. In a different way than you'd like to think you do. And I care about you too. I have no clue what we are, but it's something. Something more than friendship. I bet that scares the hell out of you but it's the truth. Look at where we are now. Look how far we've come. You fucking kissed me like you meant it, Keagan. Tell me when is the last time you ever felt that way about someone?"

And he just stared at me.

It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach.

I wasn't sure if I said way too much. I wasn't sure if Keagan was going to abandon ship again. I wasn't sure if he was ever going to say anything. But what I was sure of, was that the silence was absolutely killing me.

"Never, ok? Is that what you want to hear? That I've never felt like this before? That I'm fucking confused about what the hell is going on? Because yea, I kissed you. And you kissed me. And we have something going on. We do. That's why I don't like this guy coming around and acting like he still owns you. Nobody does. You are no ones property and he comes to your safe haven and has the audacity to act like you're his and I hate that. You're too fucking good for that shit Jamie. I don't want to stick around just to watch you crash and burn again. So what happens now is up to you."

Pretty sure my heart has dropped completely out of my body at this point.

My hands were sweaty. I was sweaty.

Did he just say all of that, or am I still asleep? Because I feel pretty damn awake but I also don't think he would just spill all of his guts out like that.

Did I push him to his breaking point? I must have.

"Is that what this is about?" I asked pathetically. "This isn't about your manhood, this isn't about you hating Russ because he got to me first. This is about you caring about me and being worried that I'll end up choosing him over you, isn't it?"

He looked just as taken aback as I had just before.

My heart started to beat so fast and loud I was so sure I could hear it. I wished that this didn't have to be so complicated, but then again everything in life worth living for was ultimately complicated.

"Fuck Jamison if only I knew the answer to that myself. I- I've already said too much. Too much that I can't take back," he said with a look of remorse on his face. "I'm sorry Jamie. I need to clear my head, I don't care if it's raining I just need some space right now."

Before I could collect a thought to speak out loud, he jogged his way out of the guest room, down the stairs, and out of the door into the pouring rain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't stop looking at the clock. Keagan was still out 'clearing his head' 36 minutes and counting. I was starting to think he got struck by lightening, hit by a car, or lost.

I didn't want him to be any of those. I wanted him to be here with me.

He was a runner. He let me know that.

He runs when things get hard; but that didn't change how I felt about him. From what I understood he never had a significant other. He doesn't know how to talk and speak his feelings. And that's ok. He'll learn, and I'll learn too. Things with Russ went horribly, it didn't work. He and I didn't work, but it didn't mean that Keagan and I wouldn't work.

As long as Keagan cared about me and tried to make things work, I was willing to do whatever it took to keep him in my life.

Keagan meant more to me than Russ did. He was right about him, he did treat me badly and toss me aside when it was convenient for him. I wasn't going to do the same to him, but I did need to draw the line. I needed to make sure that Russ knew to back off and treat Keagan with respect. If that pissed him off then too bad. Keagan was more important.

I sat up from my bed and made a wise decision to finally go downstairs and eat something. My stomach was too busy being in knots to be hungry, but if I didn't eat soon I would probably pass out because my body had a habit of doing that.

Nothing in the fridge looked appealing to me, but I took out some left over pizza and put it in the toaster oven with the hopes that maybe the smell of it cooking would trigger some hunger.

And just as I turned around to grab a glass for water, I saw Keagan standing in front of me soaking wet.

I didn't care that he was making a mess of the floor. I only cared that he was safe, and came back to me.

His half smile returned as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a peach, purple and white colored shell.

"I found this at the beach. The rain and wind must have washed up some shells. I had to take one and give it to you."

I looked down at it and smiled.

"It's beautiful, thank you," I said as I held it tighter in my hand. "You're dripping wet all over. You must be freezing."

He shrugged and looked at my pizza cooking in the toaster oven.

I squinted my eyes at him.

"It's mine. Go upstairs and take a hot shower. I'll throw another slice in for when you come out."

I could tell that he was glad that I read his mind.

I wasn't sure what this all meant for us, but I wasn't worrying about it. All that mattered was that for right now, there was an us.