I Swear This Time I Mean It.

It's been a long time since I've been out on my ass. I mean I have friends and people who would take me in in a heart beat here... But I can't trust myself not to make a stupid mistake there.

Which just thinking that made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit than before. It was like I was just constantly proving that Jamison was right about me throughout this... But I was determined to prove him wrong.

The best thing about that though was that it wasn't just for him, but for myself too. I want to be ready to finally rid myself of this image I created. I don't want people to fear me any more, I don't want to be known as a whipped little bitch either.

I just want to be happy; and the happiest I've been is with Jamison at that fucking beach.

"Keagan, you remember the rules right?" Joyce asked in her thick Jamaican accent.

"I have to lock the door when I'm in here, no going into the filing room, and I have to be super quiet." I recited, seeing as this wasn't necessarily my first time sleeping on the couch in Joyce's office.

"Right baby." She said with a smile on her face. "What else?"

"Huh?"

"You and I agreed on one more thing. Don't tell me you already went and forgot it." She laughed, causing me to involuntarily smile as well.

"I didn't forget." I sighed finally as she settled down again.

"Then say it." She placed her hand sternly on her hip and looked at me dead in the eye. "Because I'm not putting my ass on the line again for nothing this time."

"I got the referral and I'm going to see a counselor starting tomorrow to fix myself." I said as if I were a trained parrot.

"Hush yuh mouth. You're not broken baby, you just need a little guidance. Mrs. Walt will help yuh."

I rolled my eyes but continued to smile and nod before setting my things down by the couch. I didn't want to go, I hated everything about the thought of therapy.

I handled every issue in my life just fine. I don't wake up scared of my dad busting into my room and beating me anymore, I'm not irrationally terrified every time I see a brown leather belt, and when I see a mother holding her child I don't get as jealous as I used too.

But I guess that's probably all from alcohol damage... Because just thinking about them now is starting to bring back all those old feelings.

"Now I've got to scoot on out of here boy. I've got myself a hot date tonight." I let out a small laugh before taking "Big momma" in my arms for a tight squeeze.

"Have fun for me okay?" I rhetorically asked and she just smiled and nodded before leaving me alone.

After I locked the door, I made my way back to the couch and got comfortable.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day, so I might as well get as much sleep in as I could now.

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I woke up with my alarm and contemplated just telling Joyce that I had received the help from Mrs. Walt like I told her I would.

Patient doctor confidentiality was still a thing right? She couldn't legally tell her if I came or not? But then it dawned on me that the two of them were probably friends and that anything could be said over a few drinks.

So begrudgingly I got myself off the couch, made a mental note that I need to hit the gym for a shower at some point, and then left once I scrubbed myself down with some of the wet wipes Joyce had in her desk drawer.

The walk down to my car was a painfully long one. I was careful enough to plan my appointment when I knew Jamison was already in class, but there was always that off chance that he would need something from the room and we'd run into each other.

As I started my car, I tried again to justify why I didn't need to go, but I'll be damned if Jamison's name didn't keep screaming in the back of my mind.

He was who I was going for. I needed to be better for him, because he seemed like he could be that one thing I needed to fill this void in me. That void that I -for years- tried to replace with alcohol and sex.

In less then a year he's already broken through my walls, tore me down, and tried to build me back up... But I was just too difficult.

So I had to go find help... For him. This is all for him.

Maybe through this I could one day say I went for myself, but right now we all know if that were the case I wouldn't go. So he will just have to do.

The walls in this woman's office were covered in diplomas and pictures of what I assumed were her and her husband. It almost seemed like a passive slap in the face... Who wants to see how happy someone else is while they're complaining about their problems?

The thought of that was almost enough to make me just get up and leave, but before I could this small older woman walked in... And it was quite evident that it wasn't her in all of those pictures.

"Hello, Keagan. I'm Margret." She extended her hand and I took it in my own for a brief shake before she sat down. "So, Keagan... Let's start with the basics, why do you believe you're here in my office today?"

"I, wow..." I paused. "I came here knowing the answer, but now that you ask it I'm not sure... Something's wrong with me, I know that much, and I just want to be fixed."

She nodded understandingly before flipping through the little file the office clerk began making for me with all my medical history and other personal information.

"Well I found a place we can start then." She said as she looked up at me over her glasses. "Why do you go by Keagan? That's your middle name correct?"

"How... I didn't include that on anything I filled out." I stuttered out.

"Honey we have your whole medical file, we do our research." She smiled sincerely. "Is this a question you'd like to discuss later?"

"No... It's fine."

"So you changed your name then?"

"Yeah I did it back when I was seventeen. I've always gone by Keagan though, I just got rid of my first name and changed my last name to my guardians."

"Why did you get rid of your first name?" I sat back in my chair and exhaled deeply.

"It was my Dads first name..." I said and I could feel my palms starting to sweat and my heart starting to race in my chest.

"Hmm..." She said as she scribbled something down on her yellow notepad. "We'll touch more on that next time, I don't want to overwhelm you today... Because, well, I'd actually like for you to come back!" She chuckled and put her pen down. "So tell me about school then, how is that this term?"

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I didn't leave her office in tears so I guess that was a plus, but I definitely didn't leave feeling like myself. Now I just feel empty. Like I had just had everything sacred taken from me... And the most we really covered was my name.

I was beyond scared to go back there, but it was also kind of an exhilarating thought. She saw that I clearly had some deep rooted issues and wanted to see me twice a week so we could talk about them.

As of right now she didn't see any reason to start me on any sort of medication but not to rule out that thought completely.

I debated on whether or not to treat myself with some beer after that session or if I should see if someone was having a party, but I couldn't really bring myself to do either of those.

I still just wanted to be with Jamison, to have another night in filled with kissing and Chinese food.

I don't even know when the last time I actually ate something was. But that was a worry for tomorrow.

Right now I just want to sleep my emotions away and not think about that certain someone for at least a few hours.