I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I didn't realize how sexually frustrated I was until now. All that built up hostility and that ridiculously short fuse I had was all basically just my body telling me that I needed some type of human contact.

I never noticed that I went an entire semester without so much as a handjob from someone else, but now that Jamie and I were "exploring" I have become way more at ease. An entire fucking semester though? If that doesn't say something as too how much that little shit means to me, then I don't know what will.

Still, it was really really hard to believe that I went that long without noticing, that my mind was so preoccupied with Jamison and our lives that I didn't even realize that my entire life had completely changed.

"Keagan, go back to sleep." Jamison groaned beside me.

"No." I grunted simply and I just barely heard the small sigh that made right before rolling over.

"Why not?"

"Oh... I didn't really mean no, I just said it out of habit."

"Why are you even up?"

"Just thinking."

"About?" I knew I wasn't going to get out of this topic easily so I just decided to cave.

"Caves and how stalagmites form." And by "cave" I meant actually talk about caves.

"It's from ceiling droplets babe. Stalactites are the cool ones."

I looked at the boy in my arms blankly for a moment. I couldn't tell if I wanted to tell him that I loved him or if I just wanted to call him a nerd for that comment.

"Say more nerdy things Jamie, you're turning me on." I said, keeping my voice as serious as possible, but he just smacked my chest and made a funny disgruntled noise.

"Keagan, I promise I'll talk nerdy to you later but it's like four am now."

"Science boners wait for no one Jamison." I said, maintaining that serious tone again as I climbed out of bed.

"Wait were you serious?"

"Of course. This isn't a time to play!"

"Oh come back then! I'm sorry." He laughed. "I'll help you out."

And though the suggestive tone was exciting I was almost completely flaccid and just had to pee.

"It's okay Jamie, I was just yanking your chain. It was pretty sexy though, so maybe later you could tell me more sexy science things. You go back to sleep though, I just have to pee." I said before making my way over to him so I could press a gentle kiss to his forehead. Maybe to reassure him of any doubts he may have had or maybe because I was just slowly domesticating myself more and more each day. It was hard to tell now.

"Mmm, alright." He yawned. "Hurry back though. I don't like being in this bed alone."

When I made my way back after my bathroom trip I could feel a difference in the atmosphere around me, and it wasn't until I noticed Jamison was holding my phone that I realized something was wrong.

"What?" I asked, knowing full well that I had nothing to hide. There was no secret messages, no dirty pictures, and if anyone had sent anything new I would ruin them. Jamison and I finally getting together was a pretty small but big deal to some on this campus, so I had pre-warned Jamison that there might be crazy people I had once slept with trying to squeeze their way back in.

"This uh... This number has called you a lot... Like four times since you got up. Oh! They're calling again!" He tossed my phone to me and I glanced at the number quickly before putting it back on the side table. "Wait... Aren't you going to answer that?"

"No." I grunted as I crawled back into bed, pulling Jamison down with me.

"Why not?" He asked, his eyes overfilling with curiosity.

"Because you're more important." I said, which was true, but I was using it as more of a distraction rather than an actual compliment.

"But babe, that's a 617 number."

"Mhm, and?" I placed small kisses on his neck to distract him, but it clearly wasn't going to work.

"That's Boston, that's where you're from right?"

"Yeah?" I chuckled. "Look Jamison, nothing anyone from Massachusetts has to say to me is any where near as important as kissing you is. So just leave it be."

He smiled and for a brief second I thought I had won, but then as he kissed me I could feel him reaching back to grab my phone, and before I could stop him he answered the phone and placed it against my ear.

"Nathaniel? Hello?" I felt the blood go cold in my veins.

"Wrong number." I responded as soon as my mouth would allow me to speak.

"Keagan? Sorry I forgot you preferred that. Oh my god it is you..."

"Sorry ma'am, you have the wrong number." I moved my face away, and I could hear her pleading with me not to hang up, but I didn't care. Why the fuck should I?

"Keagan..." Jamison said as I took my phone from him and hung up. "Baby who was that?"

"I told you to leave it alone." I deadpanned before getting out of bed.

"Wait, Keagan I'm sorry. Don't leave..." He said and I sighed, now feeling bad that he thought I was just going to up and vanish again.

"I'm not, I promise."

"Just... I'm sorry, but who calls five or six times for no reason."

"Oh there's a reason I'm sure, I just don't care what she has to say..." I could see the wheels turning in his mind now, and I could feel my hands starting to shake. I don't think I was ready to talk about my family again with him. I mean last time I nearly killed us both.

"She called you Nathaniel... Why? Was that your mom?"

"Just drop it Jamison." I sighed again and rubbed my face to try to rid myself of this new frustration, but before I could get another breath in, a small pair of arms wrapped their way around my waist.

"You know I can't do that Keagan..." He mumbled against my chest. "I can talk to her if you want..."

I groaned, now even more frustrated than before but I knew I wasn't going to get out of this.

"I don't care. Do whatever you want because clearly you're just going to ignore my feelings towards this."

I saw the look of guilt in his eyes as those words fell from my lips but it needed to be said.

"I- I'm sorry..."

"It's fine, I just have nothing to say to her. I'm gonna go for a run though... So do whatever you want." I kissed my boyfriends forehead and smiled. "I'll be back, I promise."

The look of doubt in his eyes made my stomach turn a little but I just kissed his forehead again and changed my clothes to something more suitable for running.

When I finally made it outside I realized it was drizzling but I figured it had never stopped me before so why let it stop me now?

I was probably three miles or so into my run before this torrential downpour broke through the clouds so I decided that now was probably the best time to turn around and head back.

Six miles wasn't nearly as far as I wanted to go, but it would have to do since I could hardly see the ground beneath my feet.

Part of me wished I had worn less clothing for this run, but it was too cold in Michigan not to wear at least a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie, and sweat pants.

So saying I was drenched would be an understatement, and it sucked because not only was I tired from that run but all the extra water weight made me at least twice as heavy.

I felt better though. I needed that little release so I didn't end up saying something I didn't mean. Clearly Jamison should have butted out when I asked him too, but we all know he's incapable of that.

And I do suppose I should let him in more now that we're official, but... Well, I guess I had some apologizing to do.

"Hey babe, I'm sorry I over reacted. I shouldn't have talked to you like that." I said right as I entered the door. I didn't hear a response right away so instead of stripping myself of my soaking wet clothing I just walked further into our room to find my boyfriend.

Much to my relief he was sitting on our bed still, but he looked worse than he did when he was trying to figure out who was calling me.

"Jamison?" I asked stepping closer to him carefully. "Babe what's wrong?"

He looked up at me and I could see there were tears forming in his eyes, and he got up so quick that I just didn't have time to stop and save him from my wet clothing before he flung himself into me.

"Oh god Keagan, I am so sorry." He said, his voice shaking slightly and I felt my heart drop even more. Did he really believe I was going to actually leave him? That this little dispute was what would end all that hard work and struggles we had to go through to be together?

"Baby for what?" I asked but he just held me tighter even though he clearly knew by now how soaking wet I was.

"It's... It's your Dad, Keagan. He's not well. Your mom has been calling to tell you how bad-" I let my arms drop from around him and sighed.

"I don't care." I said, keeping my voice as even and calm as I could manage.

"Keagan, your mom said that he's been sick for a long time... She said she doesn't think he has much longer left..."

"Good." I wish I hated how easily that word rolled off my tongue, but it couldn't have felt more true. I hated him with every fiber of my being.

"She needs you there, Keagan. You're all she has left."

"I don't care." I repeated. "She might as well be dying too. I do not care."

"I... I uh... I told her that we would go over there. She begged Keagan, she said she would pay for everything and I couldn't just tell her no..."

"I'm not going." I laughed, now more amused with this than upset. "She can spend all the money she wants. Hell she could bring his dying body here and I still wouldn't give her the time of day."

"Baby, she needs you."

"And I needed her. I needed my mother to be strong and save me all those years ago, but instead I had to save myself. I am more concerned about the dirt on my shoes than I ever will be about her and her needs."

"Fine, then I'll go alone. I really thought you would have been the bigger person in this Keagan... I really did."

I tried to find something to say, but I was too in awe that he had the audacity to even say that to me. He knows nothing of the hell and torture I went through in that house.

"You're not going there alone." I said finally. I felt sick to my stomach, but there was no telling what kind of brain washing my mother would do to him. If he were going to see my world, he would get the grand tour through me. Not that fake smile baring woman.

"So you'll go with me?" He asked, and I just nodded before stripping out of my clothing and getting into some dry ones. "Please don't be mad at me Keagan, I just couldn't tell her no."

"Nope, we're good." I said, trying to hide how angry I really was. I knew he thought this was for the best, but I was beyond ready to show him how wrong he was.

"You sure? You don't sound like you really mean that..."

"Yeah I'm positive. If you want to see my childhood so bad, then I'll show you it. Just don't say I didn't warn you." I climbed back into bed, not wanting to be conscious for any longer than I had to be now. I knew Jamison probably wasn't tired, but I didn't care. He was the least of my concerns now, but he climbed into bed with me and snuggled himself as close as he possibly could.

I wrapped my arm around him loosely and just laid there quietly. My body was exhausted but my mind just wouldn't shut up long enough to let me actually relax.

I was finally going home, and there was nothing I could do about it.