I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I knew that I couldn't waste anymore time sitting in the hotel room. Well... I could. I was a grown ass man, and I didn't fucking have to do this, but if I didn't go Jamison would on his own, and I wasn't about to let my mom brainwash him like she did with all my teachers and child protective services. So I had to suck it up and go.

It was nice to get all of that shit off my chest with Jamie, what felt even better was when he cried. I fucking told him I didn't want to go, so now that we're here I was going to rub his nose into this hell hole he made me come back too. If there was ever a chance to teach him to keep his nose out of things like this, now was the time. And trust me, I know I'm not the easiest to talk too, but he just took the initiative and decided for me and then twisted my arm into going. I know he wasn't doing this in a malicious way, I know he thinks this is for the best and that I need closure, but now I'm stuck with this shit sandwich and I fucking refuse to eat it alone.

I know that makes me sound terrible, and that I should put on my big boy pants and deal, but I have no idea if Jamison and I are a forever thing like we're hoping or if this is just a college relationship. But if there is one thing I will teach this precious sheltered boy it will be that not everything can be fixed and sometimes you just have to let broken things stay broken.

"We need to get this over with." I took a deep breath before taking Jamison's hand in my own. "But I have to make a short stop before we do. Is that cool?"

"Yeah of course." He said and squeezed my hand. Though I'm sure he meant to do that in a reassuring way, it just made me feel worse. I could feel my stomach churning, because even though I knew my father couldn't hurt me anymore, I knew that the walls I built to protect me from those memories would be torn down as soon as I see that fucking house.

I didn't tell Jamison where we were stopping first, and I think I thoroughly confused him after I bought a small bouquet of roses in the hotel gift shop. We had to take a taxi to where we were headed, but luckily the cab driver said he'd wait free of charge and gave his condolences to us both which just completely threw Jamie off as well until he actually looked around.

"Why are we here?" He asked, keeping his voice down as I led the way.

"Well... I didn't want to let this trip be a huge waste of our time... So I thought I'd bring you here to meet someone special to me." I said before stopping in front of the modest head stone I was all too familiar with. "Jamie, this is Jana. She's the only reason I made it long enough to meet you."

Jamie looked up at me as if I had set the sun on fire myself before wrapping an arm around my waist.

"I hope she knows how grateful I am for her too then." He said as he rested his head against my chest. I really wish they could have met instead of him meeting my shitty ass biological family. It would have been a far better experience.

After a few more moments of silence, I laid the flowers I had bought down and pulled Jamie away. I honestly could have stayed there all day, but that would have defeated the purpose and probably really would have creeped Jamie out.

The cab ride to my parents house... Well trailer wasn't nearly long enough to let me calm my nerves, and as soon as we pulled in front of the trailer park entrance I had to tell the driver to stop and handed Jamison my wallet so he could pay and I could throw up outside.

It was embarrassing to say the least, and Jamison only made it worse when he started rubbing my back. He just wanted to help and try to make things better in this mess he made, so I let him.

I don't know why him comforting me made me feel so shitty. It's supposed to help isn't it? It just made me feel weak though, it made me feel so out of control of myself. Before now my Dad was the only one who ever made me feel that way... But they were for totally different reasons, so why?

Once my practically empty stomach finished emptying out whatever was sticking around, I took the water bottle Jamison had with him and cleaned out the nasty taste that resided.

"So which one is it?" Jamison asked as he looked at the beaten down lot of mobile homes. I could see the look in his eyes too, the "this is so sad" look all my friends in high school gave me once they found out that this is where I lived.

"It's in the back. C'mon." I said as I led the way, carefully stepping around the holes, toys, and the occasional neglected child until I saw the woman standing in front of the house, waving excitedly at us.

"It's okay babe..." Jamison said as we neared the house. "You got this."

I sighed and tried to calm my shaking hands. Every memory was flooding back just as I thought it would as I looked at my mothers face and the house behind her; and the closer I got the harder it was to breathe.

"Nathaniel!" She screeched as she ran up to me, throwing her arms around me. My body froze all movement and though I wanted to shove her away from me I just couldn't move to do anything. "Oh my god. It's been so long, you're so much taller now... Take off those sun glasses so I can see your face!"

I looked at the woman as if she had six heads. Did she really think this was going to be a pleasant reunion?

When I didn't move or respond she turned her attention to Jamison, who I let introduce himself and they spoke while I looked at the double wide. It definitely looked the same other than the few age weathered areas. It seriously felt as if I were in a nightmare now, one that I've had a thousand times; but this time I wouldn't be waking up safely in my own bed seven hundred miles away...

I felt a small hand on my back that broke me from my trance, thankfully it was my boyfriends because I don't know what I would have done if my mother were touching me again. I'll probably have to toss these clothes just to get rid of the feeling of her on me again.

"You ready to go in?" He asked, and I nodded, took off my glasses, and followed him inside. This time I needed his hand though, I desperately needed it to guide me through that fucking door because I don't think I'd be able to walk in on my own.

"Your Dad is getting cleaned up now," I heard my moms voice but I couldn't decipher where it was coming from; but then again, I could hardly see the room in front of me with this tunnel vision. "So he might be a few minutes, his nurse will come out when he's ready to see you. Just make yourselves comfortable."

Jamison led me over to the couch and while he sat down in an actual seat, I settled for sitting on the arm rest beside him.

"So..." He said, keeping his voice quiet. I didn't respond though, I didn't have it in me. I just sat there and tried to breathe. The walls were the same nasty cigarette stained white, there were all the usual holes in the wall (some plastered, some still wide open), and much to my surprise there were blank spaces on the walls where pictures used to hang. Maybe my dad broke them all, I don't know. I mean the majority of them didn't even have me in them, but then I laid my eyes on an old scrapbook so I got up and grabbed it. I held the ugly orange book in my hands for a minute before handing it to Jamison and taking my seat again.

"What-"

"Just flip through it. It'll kill some time." I said, finally feeling some composure within myself.

Now I won't lie and say every picture in that dusty abandoned piece of shit was terrible, but the pictures of me with a black eye, or a broken arm, or gashes in noticeable areas definitely stuck out to Jamison.

"He was such a clumsy boy..." I looked up at my mom in disbelief.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked, and Jamison put his hand on my knee. I knew he was probably telling me not to worry about what she said, but it was too late for that. "He's... He can't hurt you anymore, and you're still fucking covering for him?"

She looked at me blankly before drying her hands on her jeans. I was so used to that look still. The vacant eyes and the clear need to avoid any subject that may cause controversy.

"He makes it sound like living here was so awful. As if he wasn't provided for and-"

"He's ready." I clenched my first to stop myself from saying anything too hateful to my bitch of a mother and turned to see a small woman standing by my fathers door. "You guys can come in now, but he's pretty delicate and we have to try to keep him calm. Too much stimulation could be detrimental to him. "

Him? Delicate? Are they serious?

I took a deep breath and got up; Jamison followed me, but I stopped him at the door and kissed his forehead.

"I got this." I said, barely above a whisper. "I'll let you know if I need you in there okay?" He nodded in response and let me go in.

My skin crawled at the thought of having to speak to him, the thought of him possibly expecting to reconcile, it was just all too much. But then I saw him, his skin was pale, his eyes were sunken in, and his once thick hair was almost completely gone. I didn't feel bad though, no. I don't really think I felt anything at all for him. He deserved this and so much more; he was such a Goliath of a man back then, and now he was barely even a shell of that.

"Are you going to say anything? Or are you just going to stand there and look like a fucking idiot?"

"What the hell do you want?" I asked, keeping my voice as even as I could.

"I wanted to see my damn son. See what kind of man I raised." I looked at him to see if he was serious or not, but of course he was. My dad didn't joke. "Who is out there?"

I looked to where my dad was looking to see my boyfriend head peeking just barely around the corner.

"Oh, him? That's my boyfriend." I said with a smirk and a new found confidence in myself.

"Say that again?" He asked, clearly rhetorically as he sat up more.

"Boy. Friend." I enunciated slowly. "His name is Jamison, would you like to meet him too?" The look on his face was priceless. The way his natural grimace turned into a scowl was the perfect reaction.

"No son of mine is a faggot." He spat and I laughed, which only upset him more.

"What Dad? What's wrong? Am I not the man you thought your years of abuse would turn me out to be?"

"You're just confused."

"It's okay Dad, I understand that one of the final stages in grief is denial. Hey, if you're still around do you want an invitation to our wedding?"

"Get out. Get the fuck out of my house." I saw him reach for his glass but he was too weak to pick it up so he just hit it off the table causing it to shatter all over the floor.

"It was nice seeing you too, Dad." I laughed and turned just as the nurse and my mother rushed back in.

"You're going to burn in hell." He shouted... Or at least attempted too.

"Yeah? Well save us a seat." I said over my shoulder before actually leaving his room.

Jamison looked at me with wide eyes before I kissed him quickly and led him out of the hallway and back to the living room.

"You couldn't have just kept your mouth shut this once? Just this fucking once?" I turned around again for the umpteenth time and faces my mom. "All he wanted was to see you, to know we didn't completely fail as parents."

"Well I hope he found the peace of mind he needed." Jamison chimed in. "Your son is an amazing man who I have gotten the sheer pleasure of knowing. If he's too dense to look past me and to see all the things his son has done for himself, then that's his problem. Not ours."

My mother looked at Jamison with just as much shock as I did, but I nodded.

"This was a one time thing." I said, taking my boyfriends hand in my own and squeezing it in thanks. "Don't ever call me or him again."

I could see the tears forming in her eyes, and maybe I felt a little pity for her... But not enough to make any difference.

So we left, and a part of me kind of wished my mom would have just tried to talk to me again. That something would have broke inside of her and that she would reach out to me solely because she didn't want to lose her son for good. But she didn't, and that hurt worse than anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we got back to the hotel Jamison asked if I wanted to stay here or if I wanted to see if we could arrange for an earlier flight; and though I wanted to get the fuck out of here, I knew my limits and today was far too exhausted to even think about the airport right now.

"You know what I think is cute?" Jamison asked as I pulled my shower stuff out of my bag.

"Hmm?"

"That when you're here you get this faint Boston accent."

"Do I now?" I laughed. "The ah weatha outsides aaaah lookin pretty nice huh? Why-ah don't you and I go to the paahk?" I said coating on the accent as thickly as I could.

"Ooh! Say it again!" Jamison giggled and I just rolled my eyes playfully.

"I'm gonna go take a shower, I need to wash the stench of that house off me."

"Alright babe, take your time. But when you get out I want to hear more."

I sighed and shook my head before grabbing one of the body towels and heading into the bathroom. Once I got my clothes off I debated pretty harshly on whether or not they were worth keeping, because honestly they'd just be a reminder of today. But... Throwing away perfectly good clothes was a huge waste. So instead I settled with shoving the clothes in one of the dirty laundry bags they had and tossed it to the side.

My shower was extra hot, and I had to scrub extra hard to get that gross feeling off of me.

I tried keeping my thoughts elsewhere during the shower but I failed immensely. Everything just went straight back to my mom... I mean... Why wouldn't she protect me? Why wouldn't she just take me away? For years she was the one making the money... She had the better paying job, we could have ran, but I guess she didn't love me enough for that.

At least I knew where I stood with my dad. I knew that he would never change, and that there was no chance of reconciliation. She had a chance though, but just like all of her chances to save me... I just wasn't worth it too her. Not even when my Dad was going to be out of the picture...

I could feel my chest tightening and my eyes watering, so I shut off the water and wrapped the towel around my waist.

There was no reason to wallow in things I can't change when I had a more than loving and caring boyfriend waiting for me in the next room.

"Hey babe, can you hand me my-" I stopped mid sentence at the sight in front of me.

"Your what?" Jamison asked coyly as he got off the bed and walked over to me. I couldn't help but smile in awe at my boyfriend. From the looks of it he was just wearing one of my shirts, and clutched in his hand was a small bottle which was clearly lube of some sort.

"I-I uh... I was going to ask you to hand me my boxers." I stammered as Jamie got closer to me.

"Now why would you want those?" He asked, slipping a finger from his free hand down the front of my towel; giving it a playful tug before looking up at me. "You did phenomenal today Keagan, and I am so sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you didn't want to come back here..." He bit his lip as he toyed with the hem of my towel. "I don't want this trip to be something completely negative for you, and... Well, I was thinking maybe tonight could be the night?"

The pout on his lips was irresistible, and was already working on me; but I didn't want him to feel like he had to do this. I wasn't mad at him anymore, I just wanted to forget.

"Jamie, I don't want you to feel like you have to do this for me..."

"I don't." He grinned. "I bought this-" he opened the bottle of lube and squirted some in his hand before tugging my towel off. "The day before your mother called, I was just looking for the right time to bring it up."

He stood on his tippy toes and kissed me before grasping my semi hard cock with his lube covered hand.

"Jesus Christ Jamison." I grunted and he just pecked me again and continued to stroke my now fully hardened dick. "Shouldn't I, uh... Prep you first."

The smirk on Jamison's face was amazing. It was dirty and mischievous and entirely too sexy.

"I did that while you were in the shower." I almost came right there and then. A nerd like him shouldn't be allowed to be that hot. "So what do you say? Can I finally experience the Almighty Keagan I've been told so much about?"

I tried speaking, I really did. I don't think I've ever been speechless before... Usually I can struggle through sentences, but he completely floored me.

"I'll take that as a yes?" He said and I nodded before picking him up and carrying back to the bed.

Hey, I might be at a loss for words, but I can promise you my actions spoke louder than anything I could ever say would have.