I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I hated feeling this way. I hated feeling so useless without my tiny boyfriend by me. It had gotten to the point to where him being in the shower felt like too much for me handle…

Right now I was sitting outside of his classroom, waiting patiently for him. I refused to bother him while he was in class, but I also didn’t trust myself alone in my room not to get too deep into my own thoughts. Anytime I did that in the past resulted in me drinking and making life ten times harder for myself, so it was just safe to avoid any alone time that I could. I had called my therapist lady and asked for more appointments, but she was gone for the next few weeks. Of course, the one time seeing her would actually be super beneficial, she had to be away to deal with family business. The lady at the front desk offered to schedule me with somebody else in the mean time, but that just seemed like way to much to deal with. I didn’t want to have to make someone else understand me again. My lady already did, and no one else would do.

Jamison and I even exchanged an “I love you” the other day and it didn’t phase me. Normal Keagan might have run for the hills, or would have caused a ruckus of some sorts. Maybe the Keagan before the trip would have said it back or would have told Jamison that he wasn’t ready… I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just didn’t want Jamison to go away, so I said it back without thinking twice about it… And that made me feel guilty. It’s not that I don’t have strong feelings for him; I just don’t know if what I’m feeling is love or just general need for him right now.

“Babe?” I looked up from picking at the skin on my finger and smiled at my boyfriend. “What are you still doing here? Don’t you have class?” I shook my head and took his books from him before holding out my other hand for him to take.

“Nah, no class today, but I do have class tomorrow.” Though that was true, I didn’t feel any less pathetic. But he just smiled and took the lead out of the building.

“So you just waited out here?”

“Yeah, I didn’t have anything better to do, so I figured why not?” I said before tugging him closer to me. The more he asked about me standing out in the hall for an hour and a half made me realize just how fucking sad and weak I was becoming.

This wasn’t me, or… Well, this hasn’t been me in a very long time. I was usually so good at masking pain with sarcasm or just being a dick in general. But that would push Jamison away, and then what would I be left with? A bigger hole inside of me? At least Jamison was trying to mend me instead of just filling it. I just hate actually having to deal with shit I had already tried to put to rest.

I couldn’t blame Jamison for making me dig it all back up anymore though. He didn’t know. He sure as hell knows now, and maybe hopefully he’ll drop it from here on out when I tell him too, but we all know him. So now he and I were just going to have to deal with the consequences of all that.

When we got back to our room I threw myself on our bed and groaned loudly. I didn’t mean to groan as loud as I did, but it felt good afterwards at least.

“Keagan…” Jamison said from across the room. I peeked over at him to see him pulling out one of my shirts to wear, which of course made me smile, but the tone in his voice was still pretty offsetting. “It’s been almost two weeks since we got home babe, and you haven’t said a word about what happened…”

“Nothing happened?” I chuckled. “Well nothing I didn’t expect to happen happened, so there’s really nothing to talk about.” He stood there and looked at me in disbelief, as if I were so dense that I didn’t notice my own complete personality change. But he thought my problem was with my father, with those nasty and hurtful words he said, when in reality it wasn’t.

I wonder if he believed that I needed all this extra affection because of how cruel and heartless my father was. I mean that would make the most sense, right? Maybe if I just played it off like that then he wouldn’t ever question anything else. Hopefully he thinks that once my father dies then I’ll have all the closure I need. Then I would never have to confront these thoughts of my mom again. I could close this book for good.

The likelihood of that happening is pretty slim though.

“Alright. Fine, whatever.” He said, and I really wish he didn’t say it the way he did. It was dismissive almost; which just brought back even more cringe worthy thoughts of my mother. God she would say that same fucking sentence whenever I would need something. As if I were some burden she didn’t ask for, and then when I would get home I’d get the shit beaten out of me for inconveniencing them.

I took a deep breath and smiled, shaking the thoughts from me quickly before I caved and talked about them.

“Jamie baby, don’t be like that. There’s really nothing to talk about. You were there, you saw what happened. What more is there to talk about?”

“I don’t know, Keagan. Maybe the way it made you feel, maybe not even your dad! You never told me the extent of your mothers-“

“Are you really going to make me relive this again?” I snapped. “I thought once would have been enough for you.”

The look on his face broke my heart. I didn’t mean to snap at him, I really didn’t. But he was pushing me over the edge with all this reliving bullshit. I mean he fucking apologized for making me go through that once, I would have thought he actually meant it.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Forget I asked.” He said, barely above a whisper and he turned his back to me as he pulled off the shirt and pants he was wearing before replacing them with my shirt.

“Jamie, come here.” I sighed, sitting up and hanging my legs off the side of the bed so I could pull him to me. I knew once I saw his eyes that he was on the verge of crying, so I pulled him closer and he took the initiative to straddle my hips. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap…”

“No you were right.” He sighed as he looked up to blink the tears away. “I already did this to you once, and that was hell. So it’s not fair of me to make you do it again and again and again. I need to learn to just take no as an answer.”

“You really do.” I laughed as I ran my fingers through his hair. I liked when it was this length, it had grown out some since we cut it, but it looked really nice, like how it looked when I met him the first time.

“I just… I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” I smiled and rubbed my hands up and down his thighs. “I have you, I’m getting my life back on track, and I have you. What more could I need?”

“I don’t know…” He sighed. “Something isn’t okay though, I can tell when I look at you when you’re not paying attention. I just want you to be smiling all the time.”

“Of course something isn’t okay babe; nothing’s ever going to be one hundred percent okay with me… But I’ll get somewhere close to there? I just need time, you know? Time to forget and cope in my own way. You just have to stop picking at my scabs okay?”

He looked down as if he were ashamed with himself. He shouldn’t be, I mean yeah its fucking annoying, but he’s just trying to do me some good, and who knows, maybe his way would actually fix me. But I wasn’t willing to figure that out. I didn’t have the time, patience or desire to be a wreck again.

Before I used sex and alcohol to fill whatever void was in me, and now I had him. He seemed like a way healthier alternative or at least way healthier for my liver at least.

“Hey, stop with that pout. You did what you thought was best, and maybe I needed this in the long haul. Quit beating yourself up over it, okay?” He nodded but he still looked sad so I kissed his nose.

“I really am sorry Keagan. I just, I don’t know how you could let all those things he said just slide off your back like that…” He said as he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

“Did you need to talk about what happened?” I asked as I carefully slid my hand up the back of “his” shirt and rubbed his bare skin softly.

“It’s just… He didn’t even say gay; he just jumped straight to faggot. Like that was the most disgusting outcome an abused kid who could have lived on the streets for the rest of his life could have faced. I mean for fucks sake you could have been a prostitute, or a heroin addict, or ended up in jail! But you being okay didn’t matter! He just zeroed in on you having a boyfriend and then basically wrote you off!”

“Yeah, I was there.” I laughed. “I know what happened, but why are you so bothered by it?”

“Well… Because I’m a fucking catch! He didn’t even give me a chance either; he basically just damned us both and sent us on our way.” I laughed even harder at this, because I couldn’t tell if Jamison was kidding or if he really just turned my tragic childhood into something about himself.

“You are a fucking catch baby.” I cooed as I cupped his bum. “And you have the most incredible butt I’ve ever had the pleasure of touching. My dad doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.”

“Wait, what?” Jamison laughed. “I don’t ever want your dad to know what he was missing out on!”

“Yeah me either, this right here-“ I said before squeezing his butt again. “Is all mine.”

“Mmh, you think so?” He asked and I raised my eyebrow.

“It better be!”

“Hmm I don’t know…” He giggled and elongated the “o” in know. “I mean, he’s been pretty lonely lately.” I bit my bottom lip as I watched Jamie trace a little circle against my chest.

“Are you really speaking for your ass in third person, Jamison?”

“Well he can’t speak for himself!” He laughed and of course I laughed along before giving him a chaste kiss.

“Well, how about your butt and I make acquaintances again later. I would like to just kiss your face for a while… That sound okay?”

He nodded happily before knocking me over and kissing me. There was nothing romantic about it, they were all just awkward but fun kisses. He also didn’t ask me anything or even speak of the trip for the rest of the night either. That may have been because as soon as I had my fill of kisses, we jumped straight into the good stuff, but I really do think he and I might have made a break through.

But again, that was probably just more wishful thinking on my part; which really started to scare me all over again. I’m supposed to be able to tell Jamison everything, but he could be such a loose cannon sometimes.

If I told him that the thing with my mom was what was bothering me most, then he would probably make me go seek out answers. Or even worse he would do it himself… I mean I know he’s trying not to be so nosey, but he can’t help himself so that would be the best outcome I could hope for if I told him.

I could feel these thoughts starting to get heavier in my mind and I really needed them to stop. Maybe he and I needed space? Fuck I can’t even bring that up, we just started dating…

Fake my own death for a little while? No. Shit. That’s just cruel. I don’t know!

I felt Jamison’s finger stabbing into my side so I looked down at him and forced a smile.

“I don’t like that face.” He said, propping himself up on his elbow. “You’ve been too quiet.”

“Just thinking.” I chuckled before kissing the tip of his nose. “What are you thinking about doing at the end of this semester? I mean it will be spring break so…”

“I don’t know yet, I was thinking about going back home.” I nodded in response and heard a small sigh come from him once the room fell silent again.

“What?” I asked, trying not to laugh at how cute his annoyance with me was getting. I didn’t mean to be so half hearted with these conversations, but I just couldn’t seem to calm this storm in my head.

“I mean, you ask me what I’m doing and I say I might be leaving so… All I get is a head nod?”

“Well what did you want me to say?” I laughed finally. “Oh Jamison! Please don’t go!”

Jamison rolled his eyes and laid back down. “No. But I also wasn’t expecting you to be a douche either.”

“Then what would you have wanted me to say?”

“I don’t know!” He groaned. “Something would have been better than nothing!”

“I’m sorry.” I sighed.

“For what exactly?” He said, raising his eyebrow expectantly.

“For being a douche?”

“Are you really sorry? Or do you just want me to shut up?”

“Maybe a little bit of both…?”

Jamison sighed and rolled over so he was facing away from me, and that stung, but I totally deserved it.

“Look, I know this is a tough time for you, but I can’t help pull you out of it if you don’t let me… Maybe you should come with me over the break? We can actually go to the beach and enjoy the water this time?”

“Why would you want me to go with you? I mean, like you said, I was just a total douche…”

“Well, if you thought I was dating you because I thought you were a “nice guy” then you might want to get yourself checked babe.” He giggled. “I fell for you for very different reasons than that. So just think about it okay?”

“But why?” I groaned. “Why would you want a miserable asshole to go with you on a trip to see your family and friends?”

“Because I love you. Do I really need any other reason than that?” He chuckled and I just… Ugh, I was exhausted. Just hearing that sentence literally exhausted my mind. “Now, let’s try to get some sleep? One more day until the weekend and then we can do whatever you want.”

“Okay.” I sighed, pulling him flush against my body. I had forgotten that we were naked before doing that, so feeling him squirm against me made me laugh and hold him tighter against me. “Whoops sorry.”

“Mmh, don’t start something you’re not ready to finish.” I felt my stomach tighten at the way he said it. His usual high voice just a little bit lower and completely filled with suggestive tones. I loved it.

“That’s not fair Jamie.” I laughed. “You can’t just-“

“Oh can’t I?” He interrupted as he backed his ass back against my crotch just barely enough to make contact with my dick, causing a world of trouble for myself down there. “G’night baby.”

“No way,” I groaned against his shoulder. “Don’t leave me hanging like this!”

“You know I could never do that to you.” He rolled over and smiled at me. “You’re too whiney.”

I let that one slide, but only because he was already kissing his way down my stomach before I could reply.

I don’t think I would ever understand the dynamics of Jamison as my boyfriend. Sometimes he was shy, sometimes he was pushy and kind of an ass, and then there were times like these where he was just beyond sexy. He was excruciatingly hard to keep up with, but I’m sure as simple as I thought I was… Well, I couldn’t be easy either.

But I really didn’t want to think about that now, thinking about the foundations and the future of a relationship wasn’t really a blow job thought topic and I really wasn’t trying to explain that it wasn’t Jamison’s fault if my dick went limp, so I pushed all the thoughts out of my head and focused on my boyfriend’s head bobbing over my crotch.

Marveling at the way Jamison’s small mouth attempted to envelope my entire cock, I had to applaud him on his determination. Most other people I had been with would have just paid attention to what they could fit in, but Jamison… No, my boyfriend was a trooper, he gave every inch of me the attention it craved; either with his hand or with teasing kisses, he never let anything go too long without being touched in one way or another. So it was a miracle that I lasted as long as I did, but he didn’t mind… So maybe this was love? No, that just didn’t sound right. You can’t base affection off of how well someone can suck your dick can you?

Now I just sounded like a sex crazed maniac. Maybe I’d find out one day what it meant, I mean, I could really only hope that I did, but I also really hoped that Jamison would be the one to teach me. I don’t think I could put up with another human again like I did with him.