I Swear This Time I Mean It.

The semester ended as quickly as it started and Jamison and I were already nestled closely on his parents couch. Though this wasn’t my ideal summer trip, Jamison had promised that the beach he took me too was even better in the summer than it was during the winter, so I was pretty excited about going and seeing that.

With that being said, I wasn’t at all thrilled that Jamie and Russ were pretty close friends again. I could put up with them talking on the phone occasionally, but Jamie had thoroughly explained to me that he, Russ, and apparently myself would all be hanging out at one point or another. Quite frankly I’d rather shoot myself, so I explained and promised just as thoroughly to him that that wouldn’t be happening. Of course that sparked a fight or two, and I really didn’t want to bring up what happened the last time he forced me into doing something I didn’t want to do, but I did, and he shut up and caved real quickly.

That would probably be the last and only time I would ever be able to use that though, but it was worth it. Russ wasn’t worth my time, I don’t want to be his friend, I don’t even want to be acquainted to him. I just wanted to let my boyfriend ride out this bullshit friendship until it blows up again, so I can smirk my “I told you so” smirk and then pick up Jamison’s pieces all over again.

“Keagan?” Jamison cooed so I looked down to see his bright shining eyes staring up at me.

“What’s up babe?” He smiled at that and scooted his small body closer to mine and buried his face right against my neck, and for a second that distracted me since his ice cold lips were pressing small kisses right against that sweet spot he had no problem abusing, but then his small but naughty little hand slid between my thighs and rubbed up right against a much sweeter spot.

“My parents went to bed.” He giggled against my neck, clearly knowing just how worked up he was making me. “Why don’t we head up there too?”

“You want to go up to your parent’s bed? I mean, I’m all kinds of down for kinky things, and your moms a fox, but… I don’t think they’d be into that. I mean… You’re their son!”

Jamison hit my chest playfully and laughed. “I meant up to my room you turd.”

“Mmm, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. You’re a screamer.” Jamison covered my mouth and gasped as if he was completely oblivious about how loud he gets.

“Shhh! I don’t need the whole neighborhood knowing!

“Well if I take you upstairs, they will know in no time!” I laughed and Jamison shook his head and got up.

“Fine!” He giggled and did a little hip wiggle as he walked towards the stairs. “I’ll take care of myself then and you can sleep on the couch.”

I huffed and got up before chasing after him, nearly tripping over my own two feet to get to him before he got too far up the stairs for me to pick him up and carry him back to his bedroom.

“Are you sure I won’t be too loud?” He chuckled as I closed the door behind us and brought him over to the bed.

“I mean, it really doesn’t matter to me. You’re the one who will have to sit through the awkward conversation.” I laughed, placing kisses all up and down his neck as he worked my shirt up and off of me.

“Mmm, I’m willing to take that chance.”

“Maybe you could just burry your face in the pillow and I can do you from-“

“No.” He laughed and interrupted me as I unbuttoned my pants and worked them off of myself. “If I can’t see your face and kiss you while we’re going at it, then-“

“Then we’re just fucking and it takes away the specialness from it.” I chuckled, reciting the spiel I’ve heard so many times right back to him before kissing him. “I know baby, I was only kidding.” His sour face turned soft and sweet again after I said that. I really was kidding, I knew how highly he regarded sex and I wasn’t about to take that away from him. It felt nice that he actually treasured each time that we did our thing together. My mind was a little more cynical, but I really did love this kid. He was just the right amount of stupid naïve innocence I needed, and I think I was the little smack of reality that he needed.

So yeah, maybe he was softening me and maybe I was hardening him, but we word… And the sex was great and just kept getting better so that’s just an enormous bonus on top of it all.

We barely made it through foreplay before I noticed that Jamison was way too horny and way to loud to make this work if I actually wanted to not end up with blue balls all night, so I muffled him as best as I physically could without literally smothering him with my lips. The lack of oxygen made me think that maybe there was something to that whole autoerotic asphyxiation shit, but I’d just keep that little idea to myself. Maybe I could start watching weird porn with Jamie as a joke, then work in some actual porn, and then… Okay never mind that was all way to much work. I wasn’t nearly that interested in it to care.

“Dammit Keagan.” He laughed, wrapping his naked body all up in mine and smiling. “I’m hornier now than before. How the fuck do you always manage to do that to me?”

“I’m amazing?” I laughed. “I don’t know what you want me to say babe.”

“Mmm, yeah I attest to that.” He laughed and somehow managed to snuggle closer to me. I didn’t mind in the least or anything, but it was like no matter what he could always find a way to get his body just a little bit closer to mine if he really tried. I mean he could be lying flat on top of me and still manage to find a new angle or something that could just close the infinitesimal gap between us.

We both passed out soon after that. I mean we were still naked and ran the risk of his mother just barging in, but we were both too exhausted and probably too oxygen deprived to really move long enough to get dressed.

That was pretty much how the next few days went. We sat around with his parents, occasionally snuck off to go enjoy the beach, and spent the nights screwing each other’s brains out before we both passed out and started up the routine again the next day. Today was a little different though. Jamison had been putting off seeing Livvie and Russ because I refused to awkwardly tag along. I never once said he couldn’t go, but I don’t think he trusted me alone with his folks. Which was his problem, not my own, but I wasn’t about to change my stance on not hanging out with Russ. If it were just Livvie, I would definitely be down to chill, but I really wasn’t about to cave on this.

“Keagan,” he whined. “Come on, please come.”

“Why? Are you afraid Russ is going to try something?”

“Wha- no! He knows we’re just friends.”

“Then I have no reason to go.” I laughed, feeling pretty proud of myself right there.

“God dammit Keagan.” He sighed, clearly defeated. “I just wanted you to tag along and maybe get to know my friends so you might actually start to like them. That’s kind of an important aspect in a relationship.”

“Maybe to you, but if you haven’t noticed, I don’t really have friends and I’m really not interested at all in making one with my boyfriend’s ex fuck buddy… SO yeah, I’ll pass.” I said, keeping my voice even to try to come off as serious as I possibly could so that he’d just drop it.

“Ugh whatever.” He groaned and got up. “They’re going to be here any minute so I’m going to go wait outside for them.”

“Alright! Have fun.” I waved and Jamison’s eyes narrowed at me. Sure he was going to be mad at me and probably bitch at me and my stubbornness to his friends, but he needed to do that. I mean I was the only person he talked too, so maybe getting some things off his chest with these people he considered friends would be good for him, and maybe he’d helicopter around me and how I was feeling less? Unlikely, but one could wish right?

“Are you really about to let me walk out that door without getting up to kiss me goodbye?” He pouted, and stomped his feet about a little to put the cherry on top of the little childish façade he was putting on to get his way.

“Oh my bad, I thought you were angry with me.” I chuckled and stood up before pulling him into my arms.

“I am mad, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. You’re just being your normal asshole stubborn self.” He pouted and I took that opportunity to kiss his slightly puckered lips which almost immediately broke that pout into a full blown smile. “Stop, I’m trying to be mad at you!”

“What? You just told me to come kiss you!” I laughed, now completely confused.

“Yeah, but you’re not supposed to be so cute about it. I want to be grumpy at you.”

“Mmm you love me too much to stay mad at me for long.” I chuckled and kissed him again. “And I love you just as much.”

“Enough to come hang out with my friends and I?” Ooooh that was a good one. Low blow, but fair I guess.

“Yeah, I love you enough to do that, but I think I’m going to take a nap instead because I promise you, if I go and Russ even breathes on me I’ll punch him in the face. For no other reason than to be an asshole. So it’s better that I stay here.”

Jamison rolled his eyes and squirmed out of my arms and sighed.

“Fine, you’ve made your point.” I sighed at that statement. I finally won a battle. I broke his spirit in this situation finally. Because really I’d like nothing more than to hit Russ, but I was really trying not to ruin his vacation. But really it shouldn’t take me saying “no” this many times for him to understand that I wasn’t kidding. That me saying no wasn’t actually me just saying maybe.

“Good, I’m glad I could finally get it across.” I chuckled and followed him to the door after someone had knocked. “I’ll see you later babe. Don’t go to crazy okay?”

“Nope, I’m going to go insane.” He giggled and pecked me one last time before leaving. I made sure to pop my head out just far enough for Russ to see me, and made sure I kept it out there just long enough to give him that “I am bigger than you, and I will kill you” look before closing the door and retreating upstairs to Jamison’s room before his family got home from whatever the hell they were out and about doing.

The nap I was about to take was about to be beautiful. I knew that I probably only had a few hours at most to crash, but I haven’t slept alone in god knows how long so I was going to savor this. Or at least I thought I would. It turns out that sleeping was a lot harder without Jamison now than ever before. And I also couldn’t shake this gut wrenching feeling that something was going to go wrong. I don’t know how, why, or when but things were too quiet right now; and I know I was in a house alone, but just… Life. My life was never this quiet, ever. Either I was partying too hard to even hear a single thought, or Jamison was flipping my world upside down in one way or another.

But even with all that, it didn’t faze me long enough to keep me from napping, and eventually I woke up to the sound of a family hustling and bustling around the house, so I got up and looked at my phone. I had like four or five missed calls from Jamison, but right as I picked up my phone a text from him came in.

Since you’re not answering, I’m going to assume you’re asleep. It was kind of an important question, but I’ll just answer it myself. See you soon ;)

I sighed knowing that that couldn’t be good. I really shouldn’t be punished for sleeping but whatever. So I sent him back a heart, hoping that would soften him up before going into the bathroom and freshening myself up a bit. I looked like a handsome train wreck, and I almost kept it but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. So I fixed myself up and went back downstairs.

Jamison’s family was busy in the kitchen so I took my seat on the couch and smiled when his mother came in, completely surprised to see me without her son attached to my hip.

“Where’s Jamison?” She asked as she wiped her hands off on her apron. Thank god, she was fixing dinner.

“Uh, out with friends. I didn’t want to go, I wanted him to get some alone time in with them so I stayed behind. I hope you don’t mind. I just slept all day.”

“That’s more than fine!” She said, but she had a disappointed look on her face. “I’m sorry he left without you, I thought I raised him better than that.”

“You did a phenomenal job at raising him.” I said sincerely. “He really did need alone time with his friends though, and I’m not Russ’s biggest fan so it was best that…” I paused once I saw Mrs. Prices face contorting slightly. “W-wait what’s that face for?”

“You and Russ aren’t friends?” I shook my head no and she looked like she was about to say something, but then the front door opened and any statement she was about to make or question she was about to answer was quickly resolved as the three bodies made their way into the living room.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Jamison’s mom gave me an apologetic look before escaping back into the kitchen. I really almost envied her in that moment, but the look on Jamison’s face when he noticed how very unamused I was with this situation was almost priceless.

“Hey babe…” He said, his friends talking amongst themselves behind him. I wanted to say something, I really did, but anything I could bring myself to say would probably cause a scene so I just got up and went into the kitchen with Mrs. Price to help her out with dinner. I think she saw how desperate I was to be anywhere but in there with them, so she gave me pretty mundane but time consuming tasks to do. I guess the duo were staying for dinner, but I didn’t have to talk to anyone during that, and then right after that I could escape and just go to bed.

I don’t care how rude it was, and I don’t care how it made either of his friends feel. This was his house, these were his friends, and he had every right to have them over for dinner; but I am my own fucking person so I’ll act however I want in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.

And Jamison should really know me better than to expect me not to put on some sort of scene. This would be a silent protest, nothing to ruin his parent’s time, but anything to get under Jamison’s skin. It was actually kind of nice, Jamison’s parents occasionally would speak to me and of course I responded to them, and Livvie actually tried talking to me a few times so I responded to her; but if Jamison tried I managed to change the subject to something else, and thank god Russ wasn’t stupid enough to attempt talking to me, because I’m not positive but I’m pretty fucking sure that would have gotten real ugly real fast.

After dinner I helped Mrs. Price clean up since no one else seemed to step up, and then I kissed the top of her head and excused myself and went to crawl right back into bed.

Though I knew I shouldn’t be as proud of myself for acting so childish, I was fucking elated that I got under Jamison’s skin that deeply. I could tell he was thinking about what exactly he was going to yell at me about later, but I’d be asleep and he’d just have to wait longer. It was kinda nice taking a little bit of personal control away from my control freak boyfriend. He constantly had to have things his way, but now there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t freak out in front of his parents, he wouldn’t freak out in front of his friends because last thing he needed was for more people to dislike our relationship, and he sure as hell wouldn’t freak out in front of anyone when he knew he was in for a losing battle. He was too smart for that.

But as time passed, I realized napping earlier was a bad idea and that I really wasn’t tired. Then that got me to thinking that I really missed Jamison. He was so cute and I really liked him, even if he was an inconsiderate asshole sometimes. So begrudgingly I got up and put on some clothes before trudging my way down stairs.

I heard hushed whispers from the kitchen and as soon as I rounded the corner every ones faces dropped. Russ stepped back and removed himself from whatever situation this was and Livvie looked at me cautiously before glancing at Jamison, giving him an encouraging head nod. I don’t even know what look I had on my own face, but the lump Jamison just swallowed told me that this wasn’t going to be something I liked. Maybe I should have just stayed in bed.

“Hey baby…” He said quietly. “I thought you went to bed.” He folded a paper he had in his hands and held it by his side.

“Yeah, I wasn’t tired. What’s going on?”

“Uh… Well, I got a letter in the mail today. It’s uh… An acceptance letter…” I looked at him confusedly. He was already in college so what kind of acceptance letter could that be? “Michigan wasn’t my first choice in schools, and I uh… I got accepted into Princeton since my grades this semester raised my GPA an insane amount.” I felt my heart sink into my stomach and I could see he was feeling just about the same way.

“Uh… We should go.” Livvie said, and Jamison didn’t even fight her on that. He just said bye to his friends and turned back to me.

“Keagan, please talk to me…” He whispered, but was thrown off when his phone went off about five times. I could tell he was trying to ignore it but I nodded and let him know I wouldn’t be offended if he checked it. I mean, how could I be? I didn’t want to talk about this great but devastating news, I just kind of wanted to process it a little bit more.

The look on his face when he opened the message wasn’t one I liked. I could see tears forming in his eyes as he looked up at me. What other bad news could there be tonight?

“What?” I asked, and he handed me his phone. Whatever the news was, was clearly leaving him speechless.



I stopped reading after that and just handed Jamison back his phone. He was gone. He was finally gone. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t angry, I just felt empty. It took months, but he finally kicked the fucking bucket. I really wanted to feel something more about this… Maybe joy, maybe freedom, but I just felt numb right now.

“Keagan-“

“Can we just go to bed?” I said, my voice barely loud enough to hear; but I guess it was loud enough because Jamison took my hand and led the way.

I stripped back down into my boxers and climbed under the covers and held Jamison close to me. I felt horrible for only being able to think about myself right now. Jamison just got the best fucking news of his life, and all I could think of was how it was going to affect me, how I was going to handle him being gone… I didn’t even care about my father passing.

“I don’t have to go. I can stay.” Jamison said. Finally breaking the silence between us.

I wanted to beg him and tell him that that was what I wanted. I wanted to tell him that Princeton was stupid and too far away. I wanted to tell him that I knew for certain that I could make him giving up a once in a lifetime opportunity to his dream school beyond worth it, but I couldn’t do any of those things.

“No baby. You need to go.” I whispered and pulled his body closer to mine. “I can’t promise you a future like they can.”

“I-“ I kissed him to stop him from making up something that would change my mind. I desperately wanted to be selfish, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He deserved better than the educational program Michigan State University had to offer, he deserved a better more stable future than I could offer him, and he just deserved better than me. His future was bright and shining, and I was just blocking out all those chances by tying him down to me.

“I love you Jamison.” I sighed once I felt him shaking in my arms. He knew exactly where this left us. We both knew there was no way he could feasibly pass up this opportunity and there was no way we would be able to make it through a long distance relationship and come out still loving each other.

But we didn’t have to talk about that now, and I think he picked up on that. We didn’t need our possible last vacation together to be riddled with negativity. Even though I knew he was probably dying to talk about how I felt about my dad dying, it just wasn’t important compared to this. Not even in the slightest.

“I love you too Keagan, so very… Very much.”