I Swear This Time I Mean It.

The vacation completely depleted the rest of the inheritance Jana left me, but thankfully Jamison’s mom thought the trip was a necessity for he and I too so she pitched in quite a bit. Sadly but also luckily this meant that I would need to get a job when I got back to campus, because well… I would have nothing now. No money, no boyfriend, nothing. Just me and… Well myself, and lets face it, that was never really a good combination.

After we got back to campus and packed up all Jamison’s things, he and I sat on the bed in silence for a while. Tomorrow I would be driving him to his new home. Honestly ten hours wasn’t that far, but we were college students and a long distance relationship just wasn’t ideal. I knew better than to believe we would work, he needed to grow, and he needed to experience life. His parents coddled him, and I’ve been doing just the same. Maybe he’d find a new boy to do it too, but I could only cross my fingers and hope that he does some self discovery in this new chapter of his life.

The trip was long to his university, but we had a day to spare since his mom insisted that I don’t make the ten hour drive home on my own after such an “emotionally devastating” day. She also refused to let me sleep in my car, but that was neither here nor there. So we decided that he and I would stay at a hotel not to far from the university, I would take him there the next morning, and then we’d say our goodbyes after I got him settled inside.

We pulled off onto the side of the road periodically since Jamison refused to keep his naughty hands to himself; which I honestly didn’t mind. I liked the idea of committing his entire being to memory, since realistically this would probably be the last time I’d see him.

He had this brilliantly naïve picture in his beautiful mind that he and I would see each other every break, and that there would be no one better than me waiting for him in that enormous school he was about to go too. I mean sure, MSU was big, but some how he managed to land me, so there was no telling what Princeton treasure he was going to land there.

The thought of it made my stomach turn, but I smiled up until we actually stood outside of the university. It was bigger than I ever imagined, the people walking around looked so scholarly and… I was really hoping this would be a dump. I was really hoping that all the talk of this Ivy League school was all just hogwash, but it was beautiful. It screamed Jamison, and he was going to love it here. There were people here who could keep up with his smart and witty self; there were people here who could connect with him on that intellectual level I just could never reach…

“I don’t have to go. We could go back, and I could get reinstated back in Michigan and-“

“Jamie baby, you’re going here.” I said as I threw his bag over my shoulder. “This is your dream, and I’m not letting you give it up just because of me.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore! You mean-“

“No.” I interrupted again. He was getting that panicky voice he always got before he started crying, and we hadn’t even made it inside yet. This was hard enough as is; I really didn’t want him to persuade me while the option still made sense. I needed to get him inside the building before I could sanely handle telling him no. That way the car wouldn’t be so close and the hassle of bringing back his things would outweigh the momentary delusional mindset he might suck me into. “Jamison lets go inside and see how you feel there.”

He nodded sadly in response, so I took the lead and we went inside. We stopped off at the welcoming center and picked up everything he needed. Since his (and many others) acceptance into the college wasn’t a traditional freshman acceptance they had put together an orientation tomorrow for all the transfer students. Well… I don’t think they just put it together, but they had one set up for all of them and I thought that was pretty cool. Today since we got her a day early he was allowed to get set up in his new room and just get situated in his room until his roommate got there either later today or tomorrow like most of the other students.

His room was on the third floor of the dorms, so as the masculine one in this relationship I toughed through carrying all his bags up so he could look around and take it all in. The excitement in his eyes was all I needed to see to tell me that I was doing the right thing. I knew he was trying to hide it for my benefit, but just the way his fingers grazed along the wallpaper in the hallways made it evidently clear that soon he’d be okay. He was going to love it here once he got over the thought of me, and he was going to do great things.

When we finally got into his room, I set down his bags and looked around. It was about twice the size of ours back in Michigan, and about ten times as nice. The bathroom was more than just a shower and a toilet, and it actually had a really nice living space.

To say I was jealous was an understatement, but this was good. He deserved something this nice, and hopefully it would distract him from focusing on me too much after I left.

“Stay again tonight…” He mumbled, wrapping his arms around my waist. “I’m not ready to let you go yet. I just need one more night.”

“Baby, I can’t.” I sighed. “One more night will just turn into another…”

“Then take me back?” His bottom lip quivered once he finished that sentence. I knew he didn’t want to make this hard on me, but he couldn’t help it. I wanted to just rip this goodbye off like an old band aid, but he wasn’t like all my other boyfriends or partners. He was so much different. He meant the world to me, but like everything else I tried to love, I had to give it up. I wasn’t meant to have a happy ending.

I was just the stepping stone everyone has to go through in order to find it.

God, how often did I use that line on all the boys before Jamison? It had been a year and some change since I said that to Derek in his car, and now here I was… My world completely turned upside down just like he had told me it would. Back then I thought he was absolutely nuts, I was so sure that no one –especially not a crazy haired nerd- would ever change me. I was king and I had no room in my life to share with anyone else. Now here I am with my tail between my legs wishing I could go back and relive that insane year again. Maybe I should write Derek a letter and tell him how all his wishes for me came true. Maybe I should actually write an apology letter to everyone whose heart I broke in hopes to mend my karma a bit, so that I could actually have Jamison back.

I shook my head at all those thoughts and looked down at Jamison.

“I can’t Jamie, you know I can’t.” I could feel the tears pricking my eyes so I looked back up before those sad pouty lips he was sporting could brainwash me.

“Lay with me for a little while at least?” He asked as he tugged me over to the bed he self designated as his own. “Please, just an hour is all I’m asking for.”

“Yeah, I think I can do that.” I tried to smile, but as soon as we were wrapped up in each others arms we both cried.

There was no consoling us, we just cried and kissed, and he said things that I could only wish were true. I wanted to hold out hope that we would be back on that beach wrapped up in each others arms with sand in our hair and waves crashing at our feet, I wanted to believe that he and I would find ourselves together during Christmas again with mistletoe hanging over our heads, and spiked eggnog tightly clutched in our hands as we make his family uncomfortable by kissing for just a little too long.

But then I left and those things would never happen again.

I was okay once the messages stopped being so constant, but then they slowed down to every other day, then to at least once a week, then finally just stopped. That’s what killed me. Once they just stopped I knew he was no longer hung up on me like I was still with him. I ended up deleting all my social media since I was terrified of seeing something I didn’t want too.

I went back to drinking nightly and barely making it to class twice a week. I was miserable, and I knew it was all self-inflicted. I didn’t like the mess that I was again, but it was a lot more tolerable than being sober. People liked me more when I was drunk, but then I’d go over that line from fun to sloppy and I’d end up in a bathtub by myself while the party continued on without me.

The next mornings were always the worst though; occasionally there’d be a few people who would have seen me once I crossed the fun to sloppy line and they’d give me that “bless his heart” look. I wanted to beat their stupid faces in, but I just did the walk of shame back up to my room and passed out on my bed.

My new roommate wasn’t all that bad, but he was definitely not Jamison. He minded his own business and tagged along to a few parties, but other than that he wasn’t interested in being friends. We just respected each other and stayed out of the others way mainly.

Though I had lost all interest in art, I managed to salvage out a degree path finally. Architecture was my forte; I loved the math and the planning behind it all. I loved creating the models in class and I loved the feeling of the blue spread sheets under my hands. The last thing I actually drew was a picture of Jamison and I from way back before we had even started dating. I think we used it to make Russ jealous or something. It’s hard to tell with us, but I snuck that into his suitcase. After that anything recreational that had to deal with art was just a turn off.

I had squandered away most of my scholarship trying to figure myself out so I had to save almost everything from every paycheck at my stupid barista job to afford to stay in school longer than planned to actually get a degree in something that could get me a decent career.

I don’t know how I did it though. Between school and work I don’t know how I managed to get blackout drunk almost every night, but I did it. I worked my self down to nearly nothing, but I had to keep occupied. If I didn’t I’d be tempted to try to talk to Jamison and I was too proud to let him know how weak I actually was.

I didn’t want to guilt him into feeling obligated to talk to me, he was probably happy, he probably had someone else, and he probably already forgot about me.

So instead I drank aimlessly, bussed tables, made coffee, and studied until my eyes hurt since paying for college myself really made me realize how little I really had now and how badly I needed to try to stay on top of it all, or I’d just end up a deadbeat like my dad.

I never did go to his funeral, nor did I ever visit his grave. I went back to Boston over the summer once to try and make peace with my mother for myself; but she was gone by then.

According to the neighbors she found herself a man who seemed nice enough, not that any of them were great judges of character, but I was happy for her. I still hated her for letting me grow up like that, but I had to give it to her. Her loyalty was unbreakable, and I hope that this man treats her at least a fraction better than my father ever did. Personally I still didn’t think she deserved even that but I was proud of myself for at least being happy for her.

I didn’t search any further than that, instead I sat in my car and considered driving the four hours extra to go see Jamison for about an hour, but again we hadn’t talked in god knows how long by that point so I decided against it and just went home.

This was my life now. I was a stepping stone who finally got what was coming to him, and all I could do was learn now and try to better myself and hope that karma took it easy on me now.

But honestly, she already took everything from me so what’s the worst she could do now?