I Swear This Time I Mean It.

So yeah.

I left.

I packed up most of my things and left for my Ivy League future. I think that deep down, like really really deep down I can say that I didn't want to actually leave. I liked the idea of it more than I really wanted it.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the campus. I loved the atmosphere and the intelligent conversations I heard every day. My professors were amazing; they came from Ivy League schools themselves. Most of them were either doctors or surgeons. Very inspiring, very challenging. Which was what I needed.

It was a change of scenery, a different wave of life.

It was less partying for me and more studying. Less teenage lifestyle and a little bit more responsibility on my end.

But at least I had Keagan. In the beginning. Staying in contact with him kept me sane for the longest time. But then our communication changed and it kept changing. We'd talk every other night... then 3 times a week, then once a week, and then those weekly phone calls turned into bi-weekly and those turned into monthly calls. Eventually we talked "when we had time" and then ultimately all communication came to a halt. We just stopped talking.

There was no goodbye. No real ending of our relationship. We just were busy with our own lives. I wondered if it hurt him as much as it hurt me to know that we were ruining our friendship like we were. We had to know we were doing it, there's no way that we didn't. It didn't happen over night it was a gradual thing that was very noticeable.

It wasn't anyone's fault. Both of us sucked. And neither of us weren't any good at actually voicing how we felt so that was a strike against us as well. I think maybe I said something to him about barely talking to him and he said something like "well you're the one who left me" and that stung. Because I honestly thought he was happy for me up until that point. I mean, maybe he had been. But me leaving hurt him way more than he would ever admit to me.

And after we hung up most nights I would always fight the urge to pick my phone up and call him again. How could I not?

This was someone I spent every second of every day with for almost a full year. I knew him inside and out and I loved him with every fiber I had in me.

It was unbelievable how it was gone.

But, I slowly accepted it. I had no choice. I was way too far into my program to switch out and go back home. I just couldn't.

I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life, I was on track to graduate on time and I didn't want to mess it up. Not even for love. And I knew Keagan wouldn't allow me to do that, especially since he was much farther with his major and would be graduating before me anyway.

"Jamison I'm going to the library I'll be back around midnight!" My roommate called out to me from our common area.

"Okay, don't kill yourself studying! I'll be here when you get back."

Freddie was my third roommate. That's right. Third. He was the only one who was normal I swear. I have no idea why I had such bad luck with roommates but I went through two of the worst people I've ever met in my entire life before Freddie came along.

When I first arrived here I was to be paired up with a guy who called himself Big Blue. He was from down south and only got here from a football scholarship and he was basically white trash I hate to say it. He was very disrespectful towards me, told me I would burn in hell for being a 'fag' and that he met girls who were stronger than me. So needless to say I applied for a roommate exchange and I thanked "the good Lord" when Big Blue was out of my living quarters.

Then there was Terrence. Terrence was a nice guy, he really was. But the first thing he did when he got here was join a fraternity. And he was up all night doing things for the pledging process and he was so dedicated to the fraternity that it was hard to even live with him knowing that all he had on his mind was Tau Kappa Epsilon. He lasted a few weeks and then decided to transfer out of our dorm to live in the TKE house.

So now I have Freddie. He's my age, and an engineering major. He spends most of his time studying like the majority of the students here but he's literally at the library more than anyone I know. He is trying to keep his 3.5 GPA or else he loses his financial aid or something like that. Engineering is no joke so I kind of don't blame him for going a little overboard.

We get along really well, and his girlfriend is really cool. I see her a lot because she dorms here too. She reminds me of Livvie a little bit. And speaking of Livvie her and I still talk every once in a while, as do me and Russ. Not a whole lot, just whenever we get the chance really. But whenever I go home I see them and it's always a good time.

As for me, at the moment right now I'm single.

I never got into another relationship since Keagan, but I did date around for a little while. But the guys here are way different. They are great and all but they just don't have what I'm looking for in a guy. No one is rough around the edges here. No one breaks the rules. Everyone has their heads in a book and no one really wants go to out and live unless it's spring break which is so dumb to me.

I guess Keagan taught me a lot more about living than I thought he did. He taught me that it's okay to stay up late and party and explore and do things instead of staying in and being a good boy.

It's times like this where I really miss him.

And I hate to say it but... when I start to miss him really bad, I usually end up hooking up with someone. I've become that person. Somehow I let sex fill the void and I don't even know where it came from since I was never like that but it just happened.

I texted one of my gay friends to come by and he knew exactly what that meant. Freddie wouldn't be back until midnight so we had enough time to fool around, get ourselves together and shower before he came home.

It felt nice to have someone kiss my neck, run their fingertips down my skin, and say my name a few times. It felt too nice. I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to.

I laid down next to my friend; if you want to call him that, and sighed.

"You ok? Was that not good?"

I shook my head.

"No, no it was. Sorry. I didn't mean to sigh like that. I just have a lot on my mind," I said with truthfulness.

I did have a lot on my mind, and the sex really was pretty good. I just was tired and stressed out.

"I understand. Midterms are coming up and all. Everyone's on edge," he said as he started to cuddle up next to me.

He never really did that before.

Maybe he was seeking the same kind of comfort that I was.

"Is this ok?" he asked with concern written on his face.

I actually wrapped my arms around him.

"Yea, it's fine. I like it. And you're warm," I said with a playfulness to my voice.

He smiled up at me and laughed.

"Are you seriously cold after what just happened?"

I'm sure I blushed.

"Well now that we stopped, yea! It gets cold in here. Don't question me."

Was I flirting?

Seemed like it.

It felt good though.

I mean, I couldn't hold onto Keagan forever, as much as I thought I could. I'm not saying that Julian over here is my future husband but he's a nice little substitute for right now. Which makes me sound terrible because I'm using him. But part of me wants to believe that he knows that and therefore it makes it ok.

"Give me about ten minutes and I'll make sure you're nice and warm."

I looked at the clock to make sure we were in the clear.

11:05 was cutting it kind of close.

But what guy in their right mind would ever turn down a round two?

Not me.

Not him, he was offering.

So I was gonna take my chances.

And just hope that it was enough to get me by until the next one came around.

Because as much as I don't want it to be true, I will never want someone the same way I want Keagan. I still want him even after all this time apart. I'll always want him and need him.

I just hoped that wherever he was; whatever he was doing... he was thinking the same thing.