Just Breathe

Chapter Five

The plan had been made; Harry would have 3 days before the announcement that he was a father would be released by Clarence House. Also in that announcement it would be mentioned that Arya would be made a Lady until Harry marries in such time she will then be made a Princess. Harry couldn't have been happier with how things ended up working out and upon his request; he assisted Elizabeth in choosing which PO's would be assigned to Arya. In the end, it was decided that Harry's current head of security, Brian, would be transferred to Arya's head PO and Harry's second in line, Al, will become his head of security. But now Harry had 3 days to meet with Ellie's family and talk about things that he knew had to be discussed.

*****

“There’s my little niece, Lady Arya,” Will cooed as he walked into Harry’s flat hours later. “Uh, Harry, what are you wearing?”

Will eyed the contraption that his brother was currently wearing. Wrapped around him was this sling type of harness and inside of this opening lay his ginger haired niece whose big brown eyes never left her father. Although Arya looked completely content and happy, much like her father, he couldn’t help but poke fun at his brother.

“It’s a baby sling. I read online that they like being close to you and also in a confined area because it reminds them of the womb. It’s great for bonding,” Harry said shrugging. “So I asked Noe to pick me up one.”

“Noelle, eh?” Will asked with a smirk. Harry rolled his eyes leading the way into the living room.

“It’s not like that. Besides, I am only focusing on Arya right now,” Harry responded taking a seat on the sofa holding on to the sling as he sat.

“So you aren’t interested in her at all?” Will asked helping Kate onto the couch before sitting down himself.

“No, she’s a friend who is helping me with Arya just like Pa and everyone else is,” He said shaking his head. “Like I said, I am focusing on Arya. I just became a single father, the last thing I need right now is a relationship.”

Kate nodded from beside him. “So how are you feeling with being a single father?”

“I love being a father, it’s exhausting but at the same time it’s the most rewarding…job? Role? I don’t know what to call it, but it’s the most rewarding part of my life. I never imagined having her around but now that I have, I don’t think I could ever be without her.”

“So when are you going to speak to Ellie’s family?”

Arya fussed in the sling gaining the attention of the surrounding adults. Harry reached into the sling and carefully took her out. Laying her on her belly on his lap, he took the sling off placing it on the end table.

“We are heading out tomorrow. I’m taking Arya with me so they can see her, I don’t know if they have met her yet, but they deserve to visit with her,” Harry said, his hand rubbed Arya’s back in small circles watching as she would occasionally move her head to take in the scene and people around her.

“What are you going to do if they want regular visits?” Kate asked smiling at the baby on her brother-in-laws lap who was trying to lift her head towards her voice.

“If they want to see her I’m not going to stop them. Arya is also part of Ellie and whether she is still alive or not her family is still part of Arya. I would be an arse if I didn’t allow them to see her,” Harry sighed. “Arya is already going to grow up with no mother; I will not allow her to not grow up without two sets of grandparents too.”

“Ellie would be happy that you’re doing that. That you are including her family in Arya’s life,” Will said with a smile.

“Well, she’s made me happy by giving me Arya. I mean we all know how long I’ve wanted kids,” Harry joked picking up Arya from her position across his lap. “You’re what daddy always wanted. Yes you are.”

Harry brought her closer kissing her face over and over.

“Harry, brother, I know you are happy with being a father, but this baby talk? You may want to cut that back,” Will told him with a quirked brow.

“Talk to me when your baby is born, until then bugger off.”

Standing; he walked to the colorful rain forest themed play mat that lay on the floor just a few feet away. Taking a seat on the floor next to the mat, he placed Arya on the soft fabric on her back.

“Your Uncle Will is mental, isn’t he? You love daddy talking to you,” Harry cooed lying on his side next to her on the floor, his face close to hers. Arya smiled at the sound of Harry’s voice and the vision of his face causing the three adults to laugh. “That’s what I thought because you’re daddy’s Princess, aren’t you?”

Arya gurgled as she smiled and if he hadn’t already been completely in love with the little ginger baby that was staring at him with a big gummy smile, he would have gone over completely over the edge in that moment.

“Stop telling my niece I’m mental. She will figure out you’re lying and then hate you forever later on in life,” Will commented with his hand on Kate’s swollen belly.

“Go away, William you’re ruining my daddy/daughter time.”

“No, I need uncle/niece time.”

“Well, you have to wait. Maybe you should begin to schedule some appointment times because you know Arya is a big deal.”

“Oh, bloody hell. She is another way for you to prove you’re better,” Will scoffed with his eyes rolling.

“Boys, put it back into your pants and shut up. I’m pregnant and have a short fuse and your back and forth bickering is annoying,” Kate said with narrow eyes. “Now, Harry hand me my niece because I want some cuddling time.”

Harry eyed his brother trying to gauge if she was being serious or not. When Will gave a small shake of his head, Harry rose from the floor picking Arya up along the way.

“Arya, do not throw up on your Auntie Kate otherwise you may end up as food,” Harry whispered softly to her.

“She won’t but you won’t be able to have any other children,” Kate warned.

“And I should give you my child now because…”Harry trailed off. Kate raised her eyebrow just a fraction of an inch in challenge. “I have to make her bed time bottle anyway so you got lucky.”

Handing Arya to Kate, who smiled immediately once she was lying happily on her chest, Harry made his way to the kitchen. He knew that right now Will didn’t understand what it was like to be a father, that he wouldn’t truly get what it was like to know that you were the reason the smile was appearing on your baby’s face or the feeling when your child wanted only you and no one else. How could he when his own creation hasn’t even been born yet? But soon, soon Will would understand how Harry feels every moment he stares at her.

*****

Later that night after Arya had finally gone down and a small celebration dinner with Will and Kate, Harry took the envelope that held the letter he had been neglecting for so long. He was scared, nervous at what the letter would say…what she would say. He wasn’t sure what the letter would hold, would she be angry at him still and the entire letter contain a long list of his faults? Or well…to be honest, that’s all he thought the letter would contain, what other reason had he given her to write otherwise?

Taking a deep and calming breath he tore open the paper envelope and removed the sheet that lay within.

Harry,

If you are reading this then I have lost the battle with fate and Arya is now with you. I am so sorry for springing this on you this way, that I never told you that night last July, but most of all that you weren't around for any of this. You never got to witness the kicks, the ultrasounds, and my ridiculously large round belly that held out daughter or the utter happiness that you have given me by giving me Arya.

When everything came to the point it did back in July, I had selfishly only thought of myself and our soon to be child rather than including you. That is my biggest regret that I will be taking with me. Please know that I do not think of you as a bad person. I could never think that of you Henry, ever and I have forgiven you a long time ago. How could I not forgive someone that was such a bright area in my life? Who gave me such immense joy and someone that I never doubted the love they held for me. But I didn't know what else to do, so I ran keeping this secret to myself.

I found out I was expecting our baby on July 3rd, we conceived on that beautiful night we had under the stars in Lesotho. Arya was made from love, from two parents who loved each other very much, but sometimes life makes it difficult to be together. I want you to make sure you let her know this. Let her know that even though I cannot be there, that I love you both so deeply and completely.

I had come to terms with the possibility of what would happen while carrying our daughter full term, what would happen if I gave birth. I know by now you are shaking your head, you think I'm mental for going through with all of this when I knew that it would mean the end of me. But Harry, look at our beautiful daughter and tell me that if you weren't in my shoes that you wouldn't do the same. Look at the life we created, the life that will smile at you, call you daddy and tell you she loves you. The love that will be unconditional and strong yet she will never completely understand why she feels that love. She, for so long was my reason for going on and now she can be yours.

Please know that I have told her about you while she was in my stomach and each time she would kick. She knows who you are, she already loves you. You will make an amazing father to her, this I know. If you are wondering why my family hasn't taken custody of her it's because I asked them not to. Arya may grow up without the presence of one of her parents, but she should be with the one that can be there. Never doubt yourself as a parent Henry, you are a remarkable person who is more caring and loving than any person I have ever met.

I do ask that you allow her to make her own mistakes, to let her learn from them. Although I know this will be vain, please do not over protect her. I know how you are Harry, how you and Will both are. While it is something I admire, with you being over protective she will not be able to make a path for herself. Listen to her when she speaks, no matter how outrageous or ridiculous you may think it is. When a boy breaks her heart, put on a movie and get some pints of ice cream, do not offer to beat him up.

Cuddle her often, wipe her tears when she cries, join in on her laughter at the world around her, let her make an absolute mess of the kitchen just to bake you something or help make dinner, allow her to have a space to explore her creativity, let her wave her arms too enthusiastically on the balcony during family events (you know your Granny will allow her to carry a title, don't you worry about that), join in on mud pies or digging for worms, take rides on horses with her, teach her everything that you have learned to love in this world, teach her the beauty of others no matter who they are. Show her all the reasons why her mum was so madly in love with you since she was 20 years old.

Love her Harry; love her with your entire being. She is a piece of what I considered to be one of the most beautiful times in my life, and it was all because of you. I won't say she will appreciate everything you do for her, that she will enjoy all the attention you give her, but after all she is part you so expect her to be stubborn and hot headed.

Please don't shut yourself off from love because there will be someone who becomes very important to you. Someone that will love Arya as her own, she will have gone through her own heart break and pain. You will help each other, support each other and raise Arya together. You deserve all the happiness in the world Harry and you will have it. I will make sure of it.

I love you. Remember that. You showed me what true love was and I have no doubt in my mind that Arya will be brought up surrounded by all the love and kindness in the world. I have attached a letter I would like you to read Arya and give to her when she gets older; it holds some words of wisdom and love I would like to give her.

All my love,
Ellie the Bee xoxo

The hands that gripped the sheets of paper shook as his emotions came over him. She knew she was going to die. She knew that if she carried Arya, she would pass away. Harry’s head turned to the bassinet next to his bed and the tiny bundle that lay sleeping inside. He couldn’t help the hurt his heart held knowing that she would never meet her mother, the mother that gave her life so that she could live hers.

Placing the letters on the bedside table, he picked up the beautiful creation that they made together and held her close. His lips came to rest on the top of her head, the smell of baby lotion and baby soap meeting his nose.

“I love you; Arya your mother does too. She may not be here physically, but she will always be in your heart. I really wish you could have met her, she was an amazing person,” Harry whispered. “I wish I could say that growing up without a mum is easy, but it isn’t. Not always anyway. But I promise that I will try my hardest to lessen the pain that you may feel by not having her around. Tomorrow we are taking a trip to see your mummy’s parents, your grandparents, they will love you. They will be able to help daddy keep your mummy’s memory alive, like it should be. Arya, I wish I could explain to you just how much I wish I didn’t hurt your mum like I did. I know later in life when you find out you will hate me for it, and you should. But I have never loved anyone like I loved your mummy, and that will never stop, not when she gave me a piece of our love. You are our miracle baby, such a miracle baby.”

Harry placed a pillow towards the edge of his bed and also on the other side of him before placing Arya in the middle. His hand came to rest on her belly feeling the rising and falling with each breath she took. And for the rest of the night, he just lay there staring at her, the words of Ellie’s letter running through his head and he hoped tomorrow would go well.
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