What Am I Doing With My Life

Invisible. Stupid. Unwanted. Worthless. The words seared into Matthew's head in rhythm with the bite of the blade against his pale skin. Invisible- nobody wanted to see him. The metal left a cool kiss as it poised over another spot on his wrist. Stupid- he was so dumb that he couldn't even survive without an alliance. The knife began to break the soft surface of his skin, red droplets welling like tears. Unwanted- even Alfred, his own brother, didn't love him. The pressure increased, digging deeper than ever before. Worthless. There was no point anymore. No point to any of this. No point to suffering through further pain when he could just escape it all now.

Matthew bit his lip as the blade receded further and further into his arm. It stung, but at the same time he enjoyed the feeling. He leaned his head back against the tiled wall of the bathroom, seated on the rim of the sunken bathtub. He let out a sigh, trying to let the stress and the pain seep out of him with the blood dripping down towards the drain. He was conscious of how it left angry red stains on the pristine white tub, but he didn't care. He was sure that they'd find a way to scrub them clean. A way to forget, just like they always so easily forgot him.

The burning feeling in his arm grew stronger. Matthew tried to lose himself in it. Tried to hide himself from the awful feelings caged inside of him. He was so alone. His heart was scarred with the awful words that Alfred had hurled at him during their last fight. He'd found out about him and Gilbert, and didn't believe Matthew's desperate pleas that it meant nothing. That Alfred was the only one that he loved. But was that even true? Was he just lying to all of them? Lying to himself? Being with Gilbert was made him feel so good, but afterward, he was always crushed by the guilt. He remembered the countless hours he'd spent crying in the dark before he'd had the sense to pick up the blade. It rooted him to the pain, made him feel what he deserved. But it was better than the numbness that usually preceded it.

He just wanted it all to be over. The lying. The guilt. And the pain. The torture of living. Matthew pulled the blade from his arm and slashed again, marring the flesh. How could it seem so perfect on the outside when he fought with those monsters within? Finally they would see. They'd find him here and they'd see his soul etched forever onto his skin. The scars that lurked underneath come to surface. Again, again, he brought the knife down. Cut and tore at his arm with such a ferocity that he didn't know could exist inside of him. The same thoughts swirled in his dizzied head. Soon it will be over. Soon I'll be gone. Soon I'll be free. One last cut. The blood was gushing now. He exhaled, willing the darkness on the edges of his vision to claim him.Through the fog looming in his brain, he thought that he heard someone knocking on the door.

"Matthew!" Someone called. Alfred. Although it was probably just in his head. The door shuddered as invisible force pounded on it.

"Matthew! Dude! C'mon! You've been in there forever!" So he wasn't imagining it.

"Go away," he tried to force out, but his mouth couldn't form the words.

"Matthew?" Alfred asked, suddenly serious. When there was no response, he began to twist the doorknob. Matthew cursed himself. How had he forgotten to lock the door? Stupid, stupid. But then another mindset took over. Fine. Let him see. Let him see what had happened to his brother when he left him alone in the shadows.

Alfred nudged the door open with his shoulder. When he took sight of the scene in the room, his eyes darted around with panic, trying to take it all in. "Mattie!" He shouted, choking back a sob. "What've you done?"

Alfred kneeled down next to his brother, not even paying attention to the blood staining the knees of his jeans. He grabbed Matthew's hand, plucking the knife out from the fingers that were beginning to go slack. He threw it onto the counter behind him without taking his eyes off of the bleeding body in front of him. He gingerly took Matthew's sliced up wrist into his hand, blinking back tears. The cuts were deep. Too deep. Alfred grabbed a hand towel from the rack and pressed it to his arm. Matthew moaned.

"Don't worry, Mattie," Alfred soothed. "It'll be okay."

But Matthew didn't want it to be. Forcing open his leaden eyelids, he shook his head at his brother. "Stop. Just let me go. Please. Just let me die."

He caught a tear sneaking its way down Alfred's cheek. All these years, and he'd never seen him cry. "But why? Why would you want that?"

Matthew couldn't think straight. His vision was sliding in and out of focus. He glanced down at the towel Alfred had pressed against his arm. It was nearly soaked through. He smiled a little at that. He would finally get his way for once.

"Don't you get it?" he whispered, voice even fainter than usual. His brother leaned closer, panic clear on his face. He feared that these may be his brother's final words.

Matthew raised his head to look into his brothers eyes, both of them shining with tears. "I'm doing you a favor," he choked out. "You don't want me. Nobody does. I'm invisible to everyone. There's no point in doing this anymore. I just want it to be over."

He closed his eyes, and the darkness was overwhelming. It was as though with each stuttering heartbeat, each surge of escaping blood, he was falling deeper and deeper. Sinking into an ocean of blackness, a calming tide rushing far over his head.

"Matthew!" Someone called from above. The waves began to turmoil, shaking him from his reverie. His eyes fluttered open slightly. "Matthew? Stay with me. Help is coming. Just hold on." He felt a hand gently push a strand of blonde hair from his eyes.

"You can't help me," he breathed. "No one can." His vision was flickering. The darkness wouldn't release its hold.

Alfred sniffled, tears now streaming down his face. "Of course I can," he said softly. "You're my brother. And you're not going to die on me. I-"

Matthew looked up at his older brother, struggling to keep his eyes open. He wanted the last thing he saw to be Alfred's beautiful face. He reached up a shaking arm, his life leaking out of it. It felt as though he was lifting the weight of the whole world. The whole world just to let Alfred know that he'd be better off without him. He brushed a tear from his brother's cheek. "It's okay," he said, voice barely audible.

"But Mattie," Alfred tried again, choking up once more. He swallowed. "I- I love you. You've never been invisible to me. And I know that I was angry before, but none of that matters now. I forgive you. And if Gilbert's who you really want, then I- I guess I'll just have to except that. Just pl- please don't go."

His body, usually so strong, was now shaking, wracked with sobs. Matthew wanted to hold him. Wanted to melt his lips into his. Wanted to let him know that it was him, always him. But it was too much of an effort just to keep his head up. His chin slumped toward his chest.

He felt cool hands on his face, holding him, keeping him safe. Alfred pulled him into his arms. "Don't leave me," he whispered, taking Matthew's trembling hand into his own.

Matthew felt tears dripping onto his hair. Alfred had pressed a clean towel against his arm, but he couldn't even feel it. He couldn't feel anything. He knew that this was what he had wanted. But now he wasn't so sure. Alfred. That was what he wanted. That was everything that he wanted. That he needed. His thoughts were spiraling out of control. He was swirling into the abyss, darkness clutching at him. He fought to stay awake. Fought to remain in his brother's embrace. He felt safe there. As though nothing could harm him. The only one who'd harmed him was himself. A monster that nobody could protect him from. But he'd try harder next time. He just needed one more chance. One more time to get it right. That was all he asked. Of whom he asked it, he was unsure.

He was vaguely aware of more people entering the room, but his vision was scattered. He couldn't form a coherent thought. They pulled him from Alfred's arms, carried him away from his only safety. His brother followed behind them, not once letting go of Matthew's hand. And Matthew didn't let go either. He vowed now that he never would. He tried to grip those fingers as tightly as he could even when he slipped into the darkness. Even as he drowned inside his mind, he knew that Alfred would be enough to pull him back into the light.