The Boy With The Thorn In His Side

My dad says everyone digs tragedy. Life is empty without tragedy. Comedy is tragedy. Nothing brings people together like tragedy. You find out who people really are when there's a tragedy.

My dad is crazy, but it's okay. I'm crazy too.

I have nightmares of what felt like a tragedy to me. I was 5, going on 6, when this big huge thing happened. I'm not a wordsmith, I can't really describe what it was in a fancy way. 10 years ago, my mom killed her boyfriend -not my dad- a guy who beat her up. I remember it like it was yesterday, I can hear the ringing of the gun shots and the smell of gun powder and the blood all over the place.

There had been 2 shots, one at my mom's back and one under her boyfriend's chin. He died, she didn't; she's got wicked scars, she gets pains from it, but she's still tough as hell. The blood got everywhere; the floor, the ceiling, all over my mom's face and hands. It got all over me when I went to see if she was okay, but it didn't phase me, not till years later. It felt like nothing back then, I was a kid, I guess I repressed it like Jas says...she says that's why I have nightmares now.

I have nightmares about him raping my mom. About Robert choking her and holding her down. About him grabbing my arm while he raped her, making me watch.

Back then, I didn't know what the fuck that was. I didn't know it was sex, sexual assault, rape. I didn't know that until a year later when my therapist had me talk about it. Since then, I had repressed it, where it grew into a nightmare I didn't know was living there. Now it's unleashed and I'm not sure how to get rid of it.

The nightmares started when I was 13; so, for 3 years I've been living with them. I would wake up in cold sweats, sometimes I wet the bed, and I had to tell my mom. I had to pretend like it was nothing, but she didn't believe me and made me go to therapy where I was put on medication that made me tired and like a zombie. I stopped taking it, because it didn't help, the nightmares still thrived, and I hated how slow I did things.

I started to write, and talked my problems through with my only friend who knew everything; Jasmine Hurley. Jasmine is 3 years older than me, but she's the closest thing I have to a best friend. I have friends, but Jas gets me, and she's the one that's around nearly 24/7.

Jasmine lives in my parents pool house. It's not bad or anything, she just wanted some space from her dad, Andy. Andy isn't bad either, she just wanted to be on her own, and he's not as far as you think he'd be; he lives a few hours away in Milwaukee. My mom keeps an eye on her, has been for the past 7-8 years now; since Jasmine lost hers, my mom has been like her own, she even calls her mom sometimes, but it's not a big deal. My mom only has one daughter, so I'm sure having another one, especially an older one, is cool.

Anyway, Jasmine has been the only person I can really talk to. I don't like talking to my dad, he only gives me some stupid advice that doesn't make sense. I don't like talking to my mom because if I bring up something sad, she starts to cry. I can't talk to my little brothers or little sister; they don't understand. Benji isn't that much younger than me, but he's just becoming a teenager and he's all mixed up too; Sue is girly, she's only 7, she doesn't get it; and Max is 3, wrapped up in destroying things. If I did talk to my parents, it's be too much of a stress, they got little kids to worry about, not their crazy teenage son with secrets.

Jas is who I go to.


Jasmine is in the pool house now; Andy is there too, he just bailed her out of jail for some protesting thing she did. I can't really recall until I'm actually just outside the door, hearing them argue.

"It was for a good cause!" Jasmine muttered, obviously annoyed; her British accent has slipped away some, she has a small Midwestern accent like us. "Why are you so upset? You're vegan too! I learned it all from you, dad!"

Andy exasperated, "When you said it was a against fur campaign, I didn't think you'd take it so literally."

I snickered to myself.

"It gets people to listen; I'd rather go naked than wear fur; and it's true!"

Jasmine is passionate, that's why I love her, aside from all the truth she gives and the way she listens to me. She lets me ramble on and on until I can't take no more, and then she comforts me. She better than any pill or blanket I could ask for.

"You don't need to take your clothes off to prove a point."

Before Jasmine could retort, I knocked on the door frame of the open glass door; they looked at me; Jasmine was wearing Andy's coat, but you could see she was naked underneath. Andy waved at me lazily, "Hey Lew."

"Hey Andy, I heard you rescued Jas from her downtown romp."

Andy rolled his eyes, "Talk some sense into her, you're the only one she listens to."

Jasmine mimicked her dad, rolling her eyes; Andy patted my shoulder on the way out. I went in and closed the door behind me; "Did they taser or mace you this time?"

Jasmine shook her head, "Nope."

I sat on her messy bed, that was in the middle of the room, and looked down at the scattered article of clothes and bed sheets, while Jasmine walked around pulling clothes on. I had forgotten why I had come here in the first place; "What's going on, my talented buddy?"

I rubbed my hand over my face, "My SAT scores came in...my counselor claims my IQ is in Einstein territory, but I think he's just sayin' that cuz he has a hard on for my mom."

Jasmine came back in a dark blue silk like dress that was strap less; it went down to her feet, was perfect for the warm weather; "Help me make the bed."

"I think you should wash the sheets first," I said, "mom heard about the vegetarian doctor you brought home last night."

"We didn't have sex," she picked up her sheets and tossed them on the bed behind me, "we talked about my problems."

"What kinda doctor is he?"

"I can't remember, but he...he helps with mental stability, and he was really nice. He gave me some eco-friendly flyers about therapy and natural healing."

"Will it help with the flashbacks?"

"I hope so," she smiled, "wanna try it with me? We can go this weekend, it's up in Western Springs."

"Yeah, sure," I murmured. "Anything to stop the stupid nightmares."

Jasmine put her hand on my thigh comfortingly, "And maybe you can tell your parents..."

I looked down, "I don't wanna tell them...ever."

"Then how are you suppose to live, Lewis?"

I felt ashamed about bringing up my problems, especially the one that's eating at me the most. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it's still a big deal in this country. Gay marriage is slowly becoming "acceptable" in the US, being gay is still somewhat taboo in this world. And...I'm gay, and I'm afraid to tell my parents, I'm afraid to tell anyone but Jasmine. Who knows how people would treat me after?

I know my parents will still love me, but the fact that they're famous and in the spot light all the time, the media will tear us apart. I can't go out in a populated place without being photographed. It doesn't help that I'm making the rounds as a "gifted author"; my mom, unbeknownst to me, sent a manuscript of this book I wrote, just for the hell of it, to MTV Publishing and they wrote me a check for a lot of money to publish it. I haven't signed off on it yet, it's been well over 6 months, and everyone is saying how great it is and that I should sign the deal. I honestly just want to be left alone, I don't want to feel or deal with anything.

I first came out to Jasmine last year. She took my virginity...I hadn't actually been sure if I was gay; I thought having sex with my best friend would help me figure out if I was or not. I was kinda scared it would change things between us, but it made us closer, and I figured out I liked boys a lot more than I like girls. Jasmine is hot, I mean, if I was gonna be with a girl, it'd be her, but I'm lucky she's my friend.

"Is it bad if I say I don't wanna live?" I mumbled.

"Yes, it is," Jasmine took my hand, "you're gonna live; me and you are gonna get better and you're gonna tell your parents everything."

I sighed, "Yeah...I hope you're right, Jas."