The Boy With The Thorn In His Side

A typical night has me waking up in a cold sweat and my sheets and blanket tangled around my body, which I then kick into a heap on the floor. My bed sheets and pillow case under my head is drenched in sweat. The dream usually leaves my memory before I can open my eyes. I know which one of my dreams it is, it never changes, I haven't had a different dream since I was 12 years old. This night was no different; I got up and tossed my sheets and pillows to the floor and went to my closet to get a new set.

My mom had always wondered why I had become obsessed with buying sheets; so instead of telling the truth, I lied and said I had a preference. She had laughed about it, telling me that she loved that about me. I wish I could tell her the truth, I hate to worry her. So, instead of going out to like Bed Bath and Beyond, I order my sheets online. You don't even know how quickly bed sheets get ruined after being washed a million times a month.

After I finished putting on the new sheets, I sat up in my bed, far too tired to go to sleep and deal with another nightmare. I got out of bed and went to my bathroom, stripping off my sweats and shirt; both soaked, but it helped cool me off, so I hadn't changed. I climbed into the shower and washed the sweat off, letting the hot water hit my aching shoulders and back until it ran cold. I got out, wrapped up in a towel and went to my room, where low and behold, Max was struggling to climb onto my bed. It still amazes me how a 3 year old could climb down stairs but struggle to get on my bed.

"Maxy, what're you doing up? It's really late," I lifted him onto my bed.

Max cradled his teddy bear; he wore pajamas similar to Max's in Where the Wild Things Are; "I had ta," he said softly, curling up to my pillows, "c'n I sleep wit'chu?"

I nodded, "Yeah. Of course."

Max grinned at me and climbed under the blanket. I dried myself off and grabbed boxers and sweats, and an old t-shirt and dressed. I got into bed with Max, letting him snuggle into my side, "You a'kay, Lewy?"

I hummed, "I'm just fine, Maxy."

Max sighed softly, yawning, "I go ta sleep now."

I kissed the top of his head, "Okay little bro."

Max giggled and snuggled closer. I petted his hair with my arm around his little shoulders, listening to him breathe softly, hearing it grow heavy soon as he fell asleep.

I didn't sleep, I laid there thinking. My head was all over the place and I was feeling annoyed with myself. I just wanted it all to stop, wanted my head to just take a breath, to relax, but it wouldn't. It was like I was torturing myself on purpose because of all the things I could've done. I always felt like it was my fault my mom went through all that bad stuff...I could've told my grandpa and maybe mom wouldn't have been hurt...she wouldn't have killed Robert.

The memory of those days are fresh. It's like they just happen, though I can't remember which part I dream when I sleep. I can hear, taste, see, smell and feel everything from that day. The big one is the metallic smell of salty blood that was everywhere, and the gun powder in the air. I can hear it going off and the hard thud of Rob's body as soon as he hit the floor.

I could hear my mom telling Benji to call for help, then for me to come to her, that she was sorry. I could feel the wetness of her tears on my face and neck, on my shirt; the stickiness of the drying blood on my arms and face. Benji saying he called Ricky, and then the sirens blaring and then the paramedics taking me and Benji away and Ricky helping get my mom on a stretcher.

I can even remember how it felt when Rob pushed me and I broke my hand. The sharpness of tiny bones breaking and tearing at my skin. I didn't cry, I had tried to help my mom...when he shot at me I ran to the kitchen, I remember I couldn't reach the knife block on the counter, I thought if I could get a knife I could kill him. After another shot, I had run back to help my mom, and that's when I saw her shoot him. Even the thought of that moment sends shivers down my spine, the blood and brain matter splattered the walls behind him, all over my school pictures on the wall.

When he raped my mom, all I could hear him yelling at me, the smell of pungent sweat and whiskey on him. The way he growled, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt, "Your mom is nothing but a fucking slut!" His spit had hit my face.

My mom had pushed me back, but she fell onto the carpet, "Go! Get out, Lewis!"

"No!" Rob had yanked me back, "You stay and watch!"

I had squeezed my eyes shut, I felt sick and I was ready to vomit. When Rob was done, he just came on her back, on her shirt and then pushed me back, sending me flying on my ass. I ran then, going to the bathroom and throwing up; I had no idea what that all was, I never seen anything so disturbing in my short little life; not until he tried to kill us.

All the time I think it's my fault. It is my fault. I hate the fact I didn't tell someone, anyone what he did. My mom begged me not to tell...I thought she was crazy...but then I realized that he could have killed her at any time, then I think maybe if I had told she would be dead now and my parents wouldn't be married and there'd be no Sue or Max. I think there'd be no happiness in my life, or what goodness I have in my life my despite all the depression I feel.

Me and Benji never talked about it. Never sat down together and talked about that night we almost died. Benji went to therapy just like me, but he came out good and normal, except for me. I wanted to ask him about it, but I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want him to become messed up, and become crazy as messed up like me. I couldn't warp and ruin his mind, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.


I didn't sleep, but I was used to it. Max woke up and tugged me upstairs to go eat breakfast. My dad was already in there making eggs and bacon; Max had rushed over to him, "Mornin' daddy!"

My dad chuckled, "Good morning, Max. Go sit down with Lew, breakfast will be done in a second."

Max came back over and I set him in his high chair. I got him milk and orange juice for myself; dad looked like he was in a great mood, he was humming while he was cooking. I didn't question it though, I sat with Max; not long after we heard everyone else coming back down. My mom was on the phone, Benji and Sue were laughing about something and sat with us.

"Foods done," dad said.

My mom helped him get plates and serve us. I wasn't all that hungry, I was tired, but I wasn't sleepy. My body constantly felt exhausted.

"Hey, guys," my mom gained our attention; we looked at her, "me and dad have something to tell you."

Benji looked at them wide eyed, "Please don't say you're breaking up."

"No!" My mom exclaimed, "What gave you that idea?"

He shrugged, "I dunno."

My dad laughed, "Uh, it's something better."

"We're gettin' a new doggy?" Sue asked happily.

"No..." My mom teased; she and my dad sat down, mom next to Max, and my dad beside her. "We're gonna have a baby."

Benji's jaw dropped, Sue squealed and Max looked at Sue like she had lost her mind. I laughed at them, shaking my head.

"That's gross," Benji muttered, "you guys still do that? Was I here when you did that?"

My dad burst out laughing, I was holding mine in. Mom just smiled, "No, we didn't. The stork came and told me that he's bringing us a new baby in 6 months."

"Oh my god," Benji grumbled.

"Is it a boy or girl?" Sue asked excitedly.

"We don't know yet," my mom answered; then she looked at Max, "you're gonna be a big brother, Maxy, like Lewy and Benny."

Max smiled, "Ooh!"

My mom smiled back, brushing his hair with her fingers, "Are you excited?"

He nodded excitedly, "Yep! Yep!"

I laughed softly; my mom looked at me, "And you, baby? Are you excited?"

I nodded, "Yeah, of course mom."

I knew she didn't want Benji to know she told me before everyone else. Benji's the kind of jealous type, not in a possessive manner, he just hates to feel or be left out. My mom tries to treat us equally, but since I'm the oldest, she always tells me stuff before she tells anyone else - even my dad.

"Susie?" My mom looked to her now, "You're gonna be a big sister again. Are you excited?"

"'S long as I don't have to share room."

"No, we're gonna put Max and the baby together," my dad said, "we've already worked it out."

My mom moved on to Benji, who had a sour look on his face. She got up and went to sit beside him, wrapping her arm over his shoulders, "Are you upset?"

He shrugged.

"Don't be mad, Benny. We're okay, you know. We're happy, aren't we?"

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"Then you shouldn't be upset. Everything's gonna work out."

Benji just hummed and nodded. My mom kissed the top of his head and sat back with Max. Sue started to talk about babies immediately as we began to eat. I kept my eye on Benji because I knew he was mad about this.


Just as I suspected, Benji was in my room later on that day, complaining. My mom and dad had taken Max and Sue to my grandpa Lee's house to tell him the good news. Benji immediately came down with me after they had gone and said, "This is disgusting."

"What's disgusting about it?" I asked him.

"Mom is too old to have anymore kids," he plopped on my bed. "I didn't even know they could do it anymore!"

"They're not 100 years old, Benny," I laughed as I sat at my desk.

"It's bad enough I have to look out for our baby sister, now I have to watch Max and a new kid!"

"You don't have to watch them, Benny. Mom and dad are both retired, they don't go anywhere unless they have to."

Benji sighed, "That's not what I mean, Lewis."

I turned in my desk chair, "Then what do you mean?"

He looked down, taking a moment to say, "I have to make sure no one gets to them like how...you know," he trailed.

I furrowed my brow, "Like how what? I don't know what you mean."

"It's hard to explain," he grumbled.

"I'm so confused, you aren't making any sense, Ben."

He looked up at me, "You know, Lew! I don't want Sue to end up with some freak like mom did."

It clicked then. I sighed, "She's 6, Benny, why are you worried about stuff like that now?"

"Because I can't help it!" He shot up and began to pace my room, "I have dreams about that day...I remember it, I remember hiding in the closet and hearing the gun shots. I remember mom almost died and you were gone in the hospital, and it was just me and dad. I thought you guys were dead, and I think about it a lot, and I don't want Sue to experience that stuff."

My brows shot up; so Benji did have dreams about it. It was such a surprise and some relief that I wasn't alone. I bit at my bottom lip, "Benny...I dream about it too. Every night."

Benji stopped pacing and looked at me, "For real? Every night?"

I nodded, "I have nightmares and I scream and sweat...it's really fucking hard."

"I didn't know," he spoke in a whisper.

"I didn't want you to know. I don't want mom to know, so don't say anything, okay?"

"I won't. But how come you don't?"

"Because I don't wanna worry her," I said. "And, you know, you don't have to worry about Sue and Max, they're okay. Mom and dad are here 24/7, and Rae and Ricky too, you don't have to feel obligated to protect them."

He nodded, "Yeah, I know, but I can't help it. I get scared...I don't want them to see what we saw, Lew."

"They won't. All the bad things are gone."

Benji exhaled, "You're right...but it's not gonna stop me from worrying."

"As long as you don't have a heart attack, Benny, you'll be fine."