Only Colours

Things didn't go back to how they'd been before Zion came into their lives, not after days or weeks or months. They got better, definitely, but there was always that feeling of being fractured, of missing a piece.

Jude was affected most of all. Jude had lost something, something important, something Mikey was fairly sure even Jude hadn't fully understood. Though Jude still did all the things he used to do, still did his school work, still hung out with Finn and Mikey, things had changed. He was just doing, not living. It was like he was climbing a mountain, putting one foot in front of the other without pause. Mikey tried to cheer him up, to fix things, but Zion was gone and that was one thing Mikey couldn't repair.

A year and a bit later Jude graduated, turning Mikey's life upside down again. Even the summer holidays that followed weren't like previous years because Jude soon got a job and an apartment. They could still spend time together on weekends or in the afternoons, but Jude was no longer close enough that he could just wander down and take Mikey to the park. He had to make a special trip for that, so it happened less often.

Mikey wasn't sure if it was Finn's idea or Mikey's mum's idea, but before the start of the next school year when it came time to decide on their class timetables Finn showed up with his and they did it together. Finn made it clear enough that Mikey would be deciding the classes for both of them, that he would go along with whatever Mikey chose, so Mikey did his best to pick ones that would make them both happy.

English was a mandatory class so that was easy, all they had to do was allocate the class to the same block so they would share it. There were three maths classes, and while Mikey could have done the hardest he knew Finn wasn't as good at it as him. He chose the intermediate one.

They had to choose a science, too, so Mikey chose biology because he and Finn both liked it best. Mikey also chose art, which he enjoyed and which Finn enjoyed watching him enjoy. Ancient history Mikey chose for Finn, just because he knew Finn found it interesting.

Mikey left his class selection sheet on his bed with one slot empty and went and played a game on his computer. His message was clear: you choose the last one. Finn was so much a follower that Mikey knew even putting that much choice in his hands would be difficult for him, but he could only judge the tastes of someone he'd never spoken to so well.

It was almost an hour before Mikey heard his bedroom door shut, and when he looked over at his bed both class selection sheets were on it. Finn's was identical to his except the blank slot had been filled: Japanese. Mikey smiled. He could definitely enjoy that.

Mikey gave the sheets to his mum and she sent them both in, and when the new school year started Mikey and Finn were in all of the same classes. And... somehow it was okay that Jude wasn't there. At first Mikey felt lost, like something was missing, but Jude had been absent before and he knew how to deal with that. He and Finn went to the library together every day.

You weren't actually supposed to eat in there, Mikey knew that, but going to the cafeteria without Jude as a buffer was too scary. The librarian was nice, though, and knew about Mikey's problem as all the staff did. One of the small study rooms somehow ended up being reserved just for them and they were allowed to eat their lunches there.

Without Jude there as a go between, moments of interaction between Mikey and Finn became a necessity. Now that Jude wasn't there Finn gave Mikey's homework to him directly, and Mikey gave it directly back when he was done with it. Mikey didn't quite notice when these small changes stopped being mere actions of necessity and became a kind of socialisation.

Maybe it was when Mikey started leaving his phone on the desk, the screen turned to face Finn sitting across from him, when he wanted to show Finn something on it. Maybe it was when, slowly, he stopped pretending not to look at Finn, when he started openly assessing Finn's colours.

Perhaps it was when he started giving Finn gifts back in thanks for all the things Finn had given him over the years, things he'd never said thank you for. It was mostly drawings because Finn seemed to like them even though Mikey wasn't that good at art. Sometimes it was shared candy, and once it was a necklace.

Not the kind of necklace Mikey wore, cheap and plastic and colourful, though he did give Finn one of his colourful bracelets as well. No, Mikey had spent hours looking online for just the right necklace for Finn. It was just a silver chain, really, simple and masculine, but when he managed to sneak a picture of Finn wearing it he knew he'd chosen well. It suited Finn perfectly.

He started editing Finn's essays, too, but by then the line in Mikey's rules had been well and truly crossed and somehow nothing terrible had happened. The first couple of times Mikey had just printed them from where Finn had left them up on the computer in the study room and set to editing them without permission. It had made Finn embarrassed, but Mikey didn't really understand why. Mikey got better grades, sure, but Finn was hardly stupid and he always made some interesting points in his essays.

After a while Finn started printing them out on his own and giving them to Mikey to edit. At first Mikey stuck to standard editing, marking up grammatical errors and pointing out gaps in logic and missing references. Slowly, though, things became more personal. Mikey would underline things and write in the margins ‘EXACTLY’ or ‘I loved this.’ He would write little 'did you knows' about interesting facts related to one of the points in the essay. It was, undeniably, a kind of communication between them.

That was how he came to more or less confirm that he'd been right about Zion and Jude, that the connection between them had been romantic and that it was one that required interaction to develop. It was a pretty hot pink, and Mikey began to see it flush through Finn's colours every time Mikey gave him some small acknowledgement.

Mikey couldn't really say for sure what it felt like without asking, but he kind of thought he felt the same thing in return. A warmth in his chest, a feeling of belonging, of having someone and them having you. Perhaps he could have described his relationship with Jude with the same words, but the feeling was completely different.

Things were finally getting to an okay place again, a place where Mikey could be comfortable with them, when once again everything went wrong. It started on Jude's eighteenth birthday.

Mikey and Finn were going to throw Jude a party. Or, well, as much as a party as you could have with three people. Mikey had baked a cake and blown up a few balloons, so he figured that was close enough. Spending time with Jude was what really mattered.

They waited outside for Jude because being in Mikey's house made Finn uncomfortable, especially when Jude wasn't there. It was nice, having Finn there, and Mikey wished Finn would come over when Jude wasn't there more often, that he would come inside. There were games, music, movies, and things on his computer that Mikey wanted to share.

When Jude finally showed up, it was immediately obvious something was very wrong with him. The smile that had overtaken Mikey's face at seeing Jude's car slowly faded as Jude climbed out. Fear, anger, fatigue, and worry were so thick Jude was drowning in them. A glance at Finn's colours showed concern. Mikey's power wasn't needed to see that something was up with Jude.

"Hey, remember that game we used to play when you two were on the awkward cusp of puberty and I was a grumpy bastard?" Jude asked. "The 'Let's pretend Jude is fine because he's not going to tell us what's wrong anyway' game? It's time to play that game again for old time's sake."

It had been a very long time since Mikey had seen Jude in the kind of state he was in now, so it seemed only fitting that they fall back on their old dysfunctional routines. Mikey hopped up and dusted himself off. "Ooh, and I've already got the 'let's pretend sugary baked goods can make everything better' part sorted!"

So they went through the motions, ate cake, watched a movie. Mikey desperately wanted to know what was wrong, to make it okay, but he knew neither was likely to happen. Jude didn't talk about his problems, and he solved them on his own.

"We'll have another party," Mikey told Jude before Jude left. "In a few days, when you're feeling better. You'll be feeling better in a few days, right? I'll make another cake. Or cupcakes. Would you like cupcakes?"

The offer pressed back the darkness overwhelming Jude a little, just a little, and he gave Mikey a smile. "Cupcakes sound great."

Over the new few days Mikey couldn't stop stewing over the Jude situation. What had happened to upset him so much? Something with Jude's family was all Mikey could think of. Mikey was fairly sure that had been the source of similar emotions in Jude when they were younger. Maybe he could find some way to ask when he saw Jude for their make up party, or maybe Jude would be feeling better and it wouldn't even matter. Mikey hoped for the latter. He didn't like seeing Jude so upset.

Mikey would be disappointed, though. When the day of the party arrived, things only got worse.
As promised Mikey had made cupcakes, lemon flavoured and decorated with icing and those shiny sugar balls that looks like ball bearings. Mikey's mum had managed to lure Finn inside for once and they were sitting at the kitchen counter, waiting for Jude.

Mikey heard the sound of the doorbell and almost got up to answer it. After all, it was party time so it was probably Jude. But the door was unlocked and since when did Jude ever not just walk in? He was welcome to and he'd been doing it for years.

"Mum, door!" Mikey shouted, though she'd likely already heard.

Mikey couldn't see the door from where he was sitting, but when his mum opened it Mikey heard a voice that wasn't Jude's say, "Cupcakes?"

Mikey's chest tightened with fear, because he didn't just hear people, he didn't hear most people, so... so what? The voice was male and adult and Mikey remembered the last adult male who he could hear who showed up at his house uninvited, remembered what that man had done. And... this man knew there were cupcakes? Somehow?

And then Mikey heard an unfamiliar female voice as well and... and he didn't know what was going on. He wanted to hide.

"Hi, I'm Sal and this is Wiley. We work with Jude. You're Mikey's mum, right?" the female voice had said.

There was a pause, during which Mikey's mum probably said something, and then Mikey heard Jude's voice. "Oh, uh, I got a new job. With the military."

A flood of relief ran through Mikey for a moment. But... but was it really better that Jude was with them? And... he was working for the military? Did this have something to do with why Jude had been so upset on his birthday? Jude's voice sounded calm, at least.

"I'm a doctor," the female voice belonging to the woman named Sal said. "Jude told me your son has an... interesting problem, and I thought I might be able to offer some insight. May we come in?"

Oh no, oh no, this was about Mikey. Well of course it was, why else would they be there? Mikey's mum must have said yes, because a moment later Mikey heard footsteps heading towards where he and Finn were sitting in the kitchen.

Mikey wanted to hide Finn, to make him disappear and go home where he would stay well away from all of this and be safe. He was the one person who had no place in any of this, who didn't have to get involved. But he was there and there was no time for Mikey to send him away, not even if he broke every one of his rules.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked when they entered the kitchen, his eyes skipping between each of them. He made himself focus on his mum long enough to make her appear, though the two new people were far more interesting.

The woman, Sal, had blonde hair tied up in a ponytail and looked to be in her late twenties. She was fairly normal looking. The man, Wiley, on the other hand... long red hair, dark sunglasses, and features that were just a little unusual. He looked a bit younger than Sal, but still much older than Jude.

Mikey didn't waste much time on examining their appearances, though. Their physical appearances were a curious novelty since Mikey couldn't see most people, but they didn't tell Mikey much about them. Malice was the first thing Mikey looked for in their colours, but he didn't find any trace of it. There was nothing in them that indicated ill intent.

There was a certain kind of discomfort in Sal's colours that indicated she wasn't quite being herself, but it was more the sort of thing that came from trying to be diplomatic so Mikey didn't let it worry him.

Most of all, it was the fact that their colours showed they were almost as stressed as Jude that convinced Mikey these new people didn't mean them any harm. They were involved in something bad, but they were in it together and they were all victims of it. That was, of course, hardly comforting.

Jude could see that Mikey was distressed, and it comforted Mikey slightly when Jude came over and placed his hand on Mikey's arm. "You can see them, yeah?"

Mikey nodded and his mum gasped.

His mum turned to Sal. "Did you know he'd be able to see you?"

"Suspected," Sal said. "It's an unusual incidence, even within my particular area of expertise, so I can rely only on conjecture. It's a genetic... difference, I suppose you'd call it. An obvious impairment in some areas, but I think he might possess a valuable skill few others do."

That sent a ripple of fear through Mikey because how did she know, how did she know? And Finn was still there and he needed to get out, he needed to go, before he ended up involved in all this. When Mikey glanced over at Finn, though, he saw that Finn's colours were now dominated by hope.

Mikey... Mikey had not thought of that. If these people were proper adults who knew things about Mikey's problem, did they know of a way to fix it?

Jude must have noticed the way Mikey was cowering against him, because he whispered in Mikey's ear, "It's okay, these are good people, you're safe. Nothing you don't want."

Wiley had noticed their affection, was idly curious about it, but said nothing.

"Perhaps I could speak to him alone for a while...?" Sal suggested. "If he wants, of course."

Mikey quickly took hold of Jude's hand. "With Jude too."

Alone was definitely better, away from Finn and away from Mikey's mum. Especially Finn. Mikey's mum had some level of involvement that couldn't be helped, but Finn... Mikey didn't know what he'd do if something bad happened to Finn because of all this.

Sal smiled at Mikey. "Yes, that might be better."

As Mikey climbed off his stool, Jude's eyes cut to Finn. Jude shook his head. "Later."

For once, Mikey was glad of Jude's tendency to leave Finn out of things. Mikey knew 'later' was more likely a way to get Finn to leave things alone now than a sign of a genuine intention to ever tell him anything.

Wiley strolled further into the kitchen and spoke for the first time since Mikey had seen them. "So, where are the cupcakes?"

Wiley didn't come with them. Mikey didn't like the idea of leaving him there with his mum and Finn, but there was still no malice in his colours and Jude didn't seem bothered by it. Mikey lead the way to his bedroom without complaint.

Once they were upstairs in Mikey's room, Mikey took hold of Jude's hand and led him over to his bed. Mikey wanted him close. Sal perched herself on the low table that sat across from the bed.

"I heard you talking to my mum," Mikey said, then turned to Jude and made a face. "You're working for the military now? And they know about... about all this?"

It was hard to make that not sound accusatory, but Mikey thought he managed. Sometimes it was good that other people couldn't see Mikey's feelings the way he could see theirs.

Jude made the same face back at Mikey. "It's kind of complicated, but yeah. These people, though, Wiley and Sal, they're good. You can trust them. They're my friends and they want to help you."

And Mikey did trust Jude... kind of. This was a complicated and dangerous area to be getting into, though, and... and the military? Jude had joined the military? "Good intentions and good ideas aren't the same thing."

"I won't lie and tell you that Jude won't be in any danger with us," Sal told Mikey, "but I promise that we will do our best to protect him. In the long term, he's actually safer with us."

Mikey scrutinised her colours. He couldn't pick lies in the same way Jude could, not directly, but deceit had a colour like everything else and there was no sign of it in her. Of course, that didn't mean what she had said was true, it just meant she believed it.

Apparently Jude was of a similar mind, because he asked, "How do you figure that one?"

"Sorry, can't tell you yet," Sal said. "The important thing is you know I'm telling the truth."

If Mikey hadn't been able to see her colours he would have wondered if that was some kind of trick. He could, though, and no matter how hard he looked for any sign of ill intent he found none.

Mikey let out a long sigh. He'd made his decision; he would trust them. He would trust Jude's judgement. It could well have been a terrible idea, but Jude was clearly in things pretty deep already. "Okay, what do you want to know?"

"Jude told us you can only see some people. Do you see anything in place of the people you can't see?"

When it actually came to opening his mouth and saying it, though, to breaking his rules... Mikey averted his eyes to the carpet, twisted his hands in his bedspread. His chest had constricted painfully and every breath felt laboured.

"Yes," Mikey managed to force out. At least that was something everyone had already kind of known, even if Mikey had always denied it. He knew there would be harder questions to come.

"What do you see?" Sal asked, fulfilling Mikey's prediction.

Mikey wanted to keep staring at the floor, wanted to pretend nobody else was there, but he needed to see Sal's colours, to gauge her true reaction to what he was about to say. He kept his head lowered but flicked his eyes up to watch her. "Colours. Swirling, churning colours like liquid light. The people I can see have them too."

The surprise that splashed into her colours showed she hadn't expected that part of things. There was excitement and happiness, too, though Mikey wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. There were still no malicious feelings, so... good, probably? Mikey supposed his specialness was pretty interesting.

"That sounds pretty," Sal said, and gave Mikey a reassuring smile. "Do the colours represent anything?"

Answering the questions had become both easier and harder. On the one hand Mikey had, in a way, surrendered. Surrendered to telling. With each question he was surer he could, that he could open his mouth and make the words come out.

But it became harder because the more he said the more of himself he revealed, the fewer secrets he had to hide himself behind. He'd never felt so exposed, so vulnerable. He took a deep breath and did his best to force down his mental barriers.

"Feelings." Mikey kicked at the ground. "Emotions. Things about what kind of person someone is."

Jude spoke up for the first time since Sal had started asking questions. "Really? You can just look at people and tell what they're feeling from swirly colours?"

Mikey tensed, but only fractionally. He'd almost made himself forget Jude was there. It was easier to pretend he was just telling these things to a stranger, to someone he'd never see again. It was so much more difficult revealing himself to his best friend. It wasn't what they did.

Mikey found he couldn't make words, so he nodded and shrugged in response to Jude's question.

"An empath," Sal said. "I always thought seeing emotions sounded like the most fun, but it's an ability that can manifest through any of the senses. I once met a man who could taste emotions. It sounded unpleasant."

That almost made Mikey smile. Yes, he was definitely glad he didn't have that. He wondered what lust would taste like, or hatred or disgust. He wondered if happiness tasted like the sea.

"I used to have a psychiatrist who could feel emotions. Not like touch, but like... feel. In his feelings." Mikey scrunched up his face when he realised what he'd said. That hadn't been his to tell. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. It was a secret."

"Well, perhaps if you can see things about people in their colours you can see that I'm being honest when I tell you that I promise to keep both your secrets and his," Sal said.

Before Mikey could give her colours more than a quick once over, Jude said, "Or, uh, I could tell you. That's she's telling the truth, I mean. That's a thing I found out I could do today, that I can detect when someone's lying. We think that's why you can see me, and everyone else you can see. Because we have something special about us."

Well, that made things a little awkward. Mikey tapped his fingers against his bedspread. "Yeah... I knew that already. All those things."

Mikey probably should have been looking at Jude, trying to gauge his reaction, but he felt like a puppy who was about to be scolded and all he could do was hunch his shoulders and keep his eyes on the floor.

"You knew? About my thing too?" Jude asked after a pause and yes, he definitely wasn't pleased.

Mikey winced and nodded his head. "I knew before I met you that everyone I could see was special somehow, so I knew right away there had to be something. It took me about a year to figure out what.”

"And you didn't think to tell me?" Jude demanded.

Mikey examined his sneakers. They had been bright green, but wear and dirt had ruined their colour. He would ask his mum for new ones. "Wasn't it easier, though? When you didn't know about any of this? If you hadn't gotten involved in all of this you would have been better off not knowing."

"That wasn't up to you to decide." Jude leant forward, buried his face in his hands, and rubbed his eyes. His colours were a little annoyed, but mostly he was just tired. "Okay. All right, whatever, I'm over it. We can move on."

Relieved, Mikey pressed his body against Jude's until Jude wrapped his arms around him. Now that all that was done, though, there was something Mikey needed to know. He looked back over at Sal. "Can you fix me?"

Sympathy burst into Sal's colours, and Mikey knew what her answer would be before she even spoke. No. "I'm sorry, but no. I'm a healer; if you have a physical injury I can heal you with a touch. But this... I really am sorry."

She could magically heal people? Mikey filed that knowledge away for if he ever needed it. He wasn't done pursuing a solution to his problem yet, though. Mikey huffed and tried to think of other ways of solving it. "What about fixing someone else so I can see them. Just one person. Can you do that?"

Sal shook her head. "I'm sorry."

Mikey's stomach dropped. If they couldn't do that, if they couldn't make Mikey be able to see Finn, what was even the point of all of this? He wanted her to go away and leave him alone now, but he supposed he might as well see things through.

"Am I right in assuming you haven't told your mum about your special ability?" Sal asked.

Mikey made a face and shook his head. He didn't want to. Things were hard enough on her without knowing just how much weirder he was than she had realised.

"I won't go into specifics with her then, but I would like to tell her a little bit. There are a lot of things that have to remain a secret from her for now because they're classified, but I expect we will explain the bigger picture to her in detail eventually. Jude, as Mikey is personally involved in this you're free to share whatever information with him you like. I'm sure we don't have to worry about his ability to keep a secret."

Eventually? Why would they have to eventually? Mikey wanted to argue about it, but eventually was later and he wanted to be done with this now. Mikey nodded. "I promise."

Jude stood and hauled Mikey up with him. "Let's go talk to your mum."

Mikey didn't want to go talk to his mum, but he supposed if they didn't she would just ask him questions and that was never fun. Mostly she'd given up on trying to get information out of him, but Mikey doubted she'd be willing to be so passive if Sal and Wiley left without telling her anything more.