Only Colours

Jude didn't tell Mikey to go away when Mikey sat next to him at lunch, and Mikey thanked him by not interrupting him while he was working on his homework. Well, for a while, anyway.

"You can come over to my house this afternoon and finish it then," Mikey said around a mouthful of apple. "My mum said you can come over whenever you want to. You could stay the night again. We could play video games. Do you like video games?"

"I'm not coming over today," was all Jude said in response. He wasn't angry at least.

"But why?"

"I can't just stay over at your place every day."

"But you could, my mum said—"

Jude shook his head. Annoyance was rising in his colours. "No, I can't. I don't care what your mum said. Now shush while I finish this."

'Shush' was better than 'shut up', Mikey thought, so he figured they'd made at least some progress. He didn't understand why Jude wouldn't just stay with them if Jude's mum wasn't nice, but arguing about it seemed to do nothing but make Jude angry so Mikey let it drop.

Finn was still sitting next to Mikey at lunch and in classes, and Mikey was both surprised and pleased by that. He had expected Finn to leave when he realised Mikey had so little to offer him. Didn't Finn have other friends? Actual friends who talked to him and acknowledged him and... did friend stuff with him?

As the days went by, things followed a fairly simple pattern. Jude let Mikey sit with him at lunch and mostly tolerated him. He was never pleased to see Mikey, but he'd stopped being annoyed at the mere sight of him. Finn stayed as loyal as ever and his crush showed no signs of dimming. Mikey's curiosity about him only grew. He wished he could break his rules, acknowledge Finn even if it was only to ask Jude what he looked like. He couldn't do that, though, so he stole Finn's phone instead.

Well, he didn't really steal it. It was more like borrowing, because he gave it back. Borrowing without asking. He waited until Finn got up to get something and then made sure Jude wasn't looking before taking the phone from Finn's bag. He tucked it into his pocket before telling Jude he needed to go to the toilet.

"Good for you," Jude said, not looking up from his homework.

Mikey went into the toilets and locked himself in one of the stalls before taking the phone out. It wasn't locked in any way, thankfully, and it didn't take much fiddling to find Finn's pictures.

Mikey had been worried he wouldn't be able to figure out which were of Finn, but he quickly discovered that wouldn't be a problem because the ones of him were named things like 'me'.

He had blond hair, longer than average but nowhere near as long as Mikey’s. He looked more athletic than Mikey had expected. Finn's personality was gentle and meek, so Mikey had expected him to be small and slender. Pictures of him in a martial arts uniform explained where he'd gotten his minor musculature, and pictures of him with reasonable sized trophies suggested he was quite good at it.

Some of the pictures had two older boys in them, and from the similarities between their features and Finn's Mikey concluded they were Finn's brothers. There were also pictures of a small terrier called things like 'Mooch' and 'Mooch2', so Mikey figured it was his dog and that was its name.

Mikey sent the best of the pictures to his own phone and then deleted the logs so that there wouldn't be any evidence. He was glad he'd already tucked the phone away in his pocket when he exited the toilet stall, because Finn was waiting for him. There was a dash of worry in his colours, but it eased when he saw Mikey. Mikey supposed he had been in there for quite a while. He remembered to wash his hands before leaving to keep up the guise of toileting. He was the sneakiest sneak.

Getting the phone back into Finn's bag was more difficult than getting it out had been, but eventually he found his opportunity when Finn had to stay behind for a minute for some reason after one of the classes they shared. Their bags were left outside the classroom and Finn's was right next to Mikey's, so quickly tucking the phone back into the pocket he'd taken it from was easy.

When he got home that night, Mikey opened up all of the stolen pictures on his computer and edited Finn's colours onto them. Finn was so pretty. No, not pretty. He was handsome. Why did such a handsome boy like Mikey? It was kind of sad. Not sad as in pathetic, sad as in lilac. Sad for both of them. They could never really be together.

Mikey hugged his pillow and thought about what it would be like to hug Finn. To be hugged by Finn, to be kissed by Finn. He'd wondered for a while now what it would be like to do those things with someone, but having a specific person in mind made it different. It made Mikey's stomach dance, and then hurt when he remembered how it would never happen. He pushed that thought aside and imagined lips on his neck instead and hands on his body and... and what did you even do with another boy? Mikey's eyes slid over to his computer. The internet could answer that.

He was glad he'd locked his door when his mum came knocking on it twenty minutes later to tell him dinner was ready.

The next day Mikey couldn't even look at Finn's colours without flushing, and he had to bite down on the inside of his cheek and focus force his mind away from the new fantasies he'd discovered so that he didn't respond in a way that was even more embarrassing. Jude noticed his strange behaviour but didn't ask. If Finn noticed, which he probably did, Mikey didn't know because he wasn't looking. It took several days before he was used to the new ideas and fantasies swimming in his head and he could look at Finn again without squirming.

Jude had refused to go over to Mikey's house every time Mikey had asked, so eventually Mikey had stopped asking. He was surprised, then, when Jude turned up at his front door in the middle of a thunderstorm, soaking wet.

Mikey's mum didn't ask any questions, for which Mikey was glad. He'd learnt that asking questions only pushed Jude away. She got him a towel and he sat around in his boxers and her bathrobe while his clothes spun in the drier. When she offered him food he thanked her quietly and ate it.

Jude wasn't feeling much at all, just tired and numb like he'd burnt out all his other emotions. They were still there underneath, anger and sadness and anxiety, but mostly he was just moving through life one step at a time. Eat. Get his clothes from the drier and put them on. Curl up on the couch and sleep.

The next day was Saturday, and despite the rain Jude was gone by the time Mikey got up in the morning. Mikey's mum was sad and that made sense, but Mikey didn't understand the guilt she was feeling. Maybe she just felt bad for not being able to help Jude more? Mikey knew he did.

Jude didn't come around any more frequently after that, and when he did it was usually when he'd hit rock bottom. Mikey had never actually seen Jude happy, but on the days he turned up at Mikey's doorstep he was always in a very dark place. They fed him, gave him somewhere to sleep, but that was all they could offer him. He wouldn't let them do anything more.

It was one day at lunch when Jude was in one of his least bad moods that Mikey decided to ask more questions.

"Where do you go when you're not at school or my house? Do you go to your house?"

"Sometimes," Jude said. He didn't have any homework to do so he was more willing to take part in conversation.

"But other times?"

Jude shrugged. "I hang out in the park for a while most nights. Find someone to go home with."

Mikey frowned. If he needed someone to go home with, why didn't he just go home with Mikey? Maybe he was worried Mikey's mum would try to adopt him. Jude didn't seem to like being coddled too much.

"Are you going to the park tonight?" Mikey asked.

Jude shrugged. "Probably, I guess."

"Can I come?"

Jude's attention jumped to Finn for a second, so Mikey figured he'd said something. He turned back to Mikey. "I don't think your mum would like you being in the park after dark."

"Well, you could take me home before it got dark. Or, I'd be safe with you anyway, wouldn't I? You're tough and you have muscles." Mikey reached out and squeezed Jude's forearm.

Jude scowled at him and slapped his hand away, but he wasn't really angry. He still kept up his façade of annoyance, but he'd become a lot more tolerant of Mikey. "Well, I guess. For a while, if your mum says it's okay. You probably wouldn't find it very fun, though."

Mikey was surprised Jude was actually letting him spend time with him when he could easily have said no, but he wasn't going to question it. He grinned. "I'll call my mum after school."

As soon as Mikey told his mum where he was going after school, she wanted to talk to Jude.

Jude sighed as he took the phone. "Yeah, just the park near the school. There will be other people there, yeah. Not that that really affects Mikey. Nah, it's really not dangerous if I'm there with him. Everyone knows fucking with me is more trouble than it's worth. Yes, I'll have him back in time for dinner. Okay, bye."

Finn went with them to the park, though he followed behind them like a shadow and, as usual, didn't speak to Jude. They didn't have any kind of antagonistic relationship, though Jude clearly thought Finn's devotion was a bit pathetic. They just didn't seem to have anything to talk about. Jude didn't really speak much unless Mikey prompted him into conversation, and he got the feeling Finn was the same.

The park might have been boring if he was on his own, but just spending time with Jude was enough to satisfy Mikey. He was glad Finn was there too, even if they couldn't interact. Jude and Finn even talked a little, but it sounded mostly like Jude was reassuring Finn that everything was okay and that really, Mikey wasn't in any danger here. Mikey saw the occasional stray skateboard and could smell cigarette smoke, so he got a general feeling for the kind of people who hung out there.

It was getting dark by the time Jude walked Mikey home, and Finn was worried so he walked with them. Jude wasn't worried at all. He felt safe and confident.

Mikey's mum must have been watching at the window, because she came outside before Jude had the chance to leave. Finn was still there too, and she eyed him curiously. "Who's this?"

Finn's colours filled with shame and embarrassment. It hurt Mikey to see that. Mikey looked at Jude with his biggest puppy dog eyes, silently begging him to make it better, hoping Jude would understand him without words.

"Mikey can't see him, but he tries to help out anyway," Jude said. "He wanted to come along to make sure Mikey did okay at the park. Which he did, because he's safe with me."

Mikey liked the way Jude said that. Safe with me. Yeah, he was. He was safe with Finn, too. Somehow, despite all Mikey's problems, he'd managed to make two very good friends.

"Oh!" Mikey's mum said, though her colours showed she didn't quite get it. "Well, thank you for looking after my son. He didn't tell me about you, but... well, you know how he is, I'm sure. Try not to take it personally. A lot of people think it's an insult, but he can't help it. That's just how he is."

She paused, and Finn must have said something because she smiled and nodded. "I'm glad you're so understanding. Would you two like to come in?"

Jude declined the offer and Finn must have too, because they both left.

"Well, two friends!" Mikey's mum said as they walked into the house. She was very happy. "Finn seems like such a nice boy. It really is a pity you can't see him. But maybe one day we'll find a way. You never know."

Mikey did know. He would never find a way because he was broken and there was no way to fix it. His mum didn't expect an answer, though, so he didn't give her one. They watched TV and ate dinner.

Mikey often went to the park with Finn and Jude after that, and his mum stopped telling them they had to be home for dinner, especially on weekends. She trusted Jude to take care of him. Mikey's mum soon figured out why Finn hung around, and she commented on it casually to Mikey to let Mikey know she didn't mind. Finn still avoided encountering her, though.

Mikey wished he could tell Finn she didn't mind, that he didn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed. He'd long since decided that Finn was his boyfriend. It wasn't a typical relationship, but they couldn't have that. But... but if Finn liked him, and he liked Finn, and Finn hung around to be close to him... that was like boyfriends, wasn't it? That was close enough that Mikey could call them that in his head and it wouldn't be a lie. Not really, he didn't think.

They were in the park one evening, just sitting around and not doing much, when something terrible happened. Mikey saw a girl.

She wasn't a girl, though. That's what his Dr Lucas had said, that they weren't people. She was very pretty, wearing a short skirt and too much make up, and she didn't have colours.

Mikey tensed, his breathing sped up, and he curled in against Jude's side. Jude didn't object to Mikey touching him nearly as much anymore, and this time his arm drew around Mikey protectively. Mikey's eyes were firmly on the girl who wasn't a girl so he couldn't see Jude's response, but he was sure Jude would have noticed his fear. Jude was smart and he paid attention to things.

"What?" Jude asked, and when Mikey didn't respond he jostled Mikey's arm. "Mikey, what is it?"

Mikey hesitated. What could he say without breaking his rules? How could he explain that a pretty girl who looked no older than Jude was something terrible and dangerous?

"I want to go home," Mikey murmured instead. "Please, can you take me home now? I want— Please."

Jude was hauling Mikey up before he'd even finished asking, and Mikey was very grateful. When Mikey took his eyes off the girl he saw that Jude's colours were worried and even a little scared. Finn's were the same.

For once Jude went in with Mikey instead of simply leaving him at his doorstep. Mikey's mum wanted to know what was wrong with him, why he was upset, but Mikey wouldn't say and Jude didn't know.

She sighed and ruffled Mikey's hair. "He gets like this sometimes. He'll never tell me why. He just gets scared and wants to leave and... I wish he'd just tell me. I wish, just for once, he'd just..."

Mikey didn't want to hear anymore, so he moved away from her and let her fade out. He went and sat on the couch, and when Jude joined him a few minutes later he let Mikey cuddle up to him without complaint. He didn't ask any more questions, and Mikey was grateful.

It was a few weeks before Mikey asked Jude to take him to the park again, but he figured he had to face it eventually. It cut down on their time together too much to miss out on. He was relieved not to see the girl there when they arrived. She didn't come later, either, or any of the days after that. Eventually, they relaxed back into their routine.

When summer holidays came Mikey didn't see Jude as much, but they still went to the park together every few days. At first Finn didn't go with them, but then one day he was there, waiting for them when they arrived. Mikey couldn't help but grin when he saw him, and though he quickly hid it he was fairly sure Jude had seen because after that when Jude showed up at his door to take him to the park Finn was usually with him.

Mikey took pictures sometimes, and he made sure Finn was 'accidentally' in a few of them. Like Finn just happened to be in the random spot he was taking a picture of. He was fairly sure neither Finn nor Jude was buying that it wasn't intentional, but Jude didn't comment and it made Finn happy, so Mikey kept doing it.

Through the pictures, Mikey watched Finn grow up. Mikey's features seemed to be determined to maintain their childishness, but slowly Finn's started to mature. He grew taller and his body strengthened and he was just... he was so handsome. He was beautiful. Mikey wanted to tell him that and to kiss him softly or maybe not so softly but he couldn't. He couldn't give either of them that and it hurt so much. Sometimes he cried, when no one was looking, and sometimes he touched himself, also when no one was looking. How could love hurt so much?

Jude mellowed out as he grew up, mostly stopped getting annoyed at Mikey and even hardly ever got more than mildly irritated with anyone else. He started showing up at Mikey's house sometimes when he wasn't distraught, and he was less often upset in general. Mikey got the feeling that might have been simply because he seemed to have started avoiding his mum's house more and more these days, but it was hard to say for sure. That was one thing Jude never talked about.

He didn't talk about his dad, either. Not ever. Mikey had only brought Jude's dad up once, and Jude had told him he wasn't around anymore. There had been so much rage burning in him that Mikey had never broached the topic again. Mikey's dad wasn't around either, but he got the feeling the absence of Jude's dad had happened under entirely different circumstances. He would probably never really know the full story.

Mikey had always known that Jude was special, that he had to be somehow or Mikey wouldn't have been able to see him. What he hadn't been able to figure out was how. Jude was generally very secretive, but as far as Mikey could tell all he was covering was normal things. Well, normal in a relative sense. Family trouble type things.

Mikey had just about given up on ever figuring it out when he started to notice an unusual pattern. Jude could tell when he was lying. Not that that was generally an amazing feat. Most of the time Mikey didn't even intend for his lies to be believed. Sometimes, though, he'd just lie about little unimportant things. Things Jude never should have been able to pick up on because they were mundane and they didn't matter and why would it even make a difference if it was technically true that there wasn't any milk left? There was some but not enough for cereal so it hadn't even been a proper lie but Jude had known. It was things like that. Jude generally didn't comment because they were things that didn't matter, but there was always that ripple of confusion, that ripple of knowing, that flowed through him. Every time, every lie.

Mikey started testing him. He would lie about things, simple things that Jude had no reason to even pay attention to or care about. The lollypop Mikey had was apple flavoured, Mikey would say, and though Jude was hardly paying any attention his brow would wrinkle and he would frown because the lollypop was lime.

"You're really good at telling when people are lying," Mikey told Jude one day when he'd tested Jude enough to feel sure he'd gotten Jude's specialness right. They were at Mikey's house, sitting on the sofa. Jude was reading and Mikey was doing his homework. Finn had started getting Mikey's homework for him and then giving it to Jude so that Jude could give it to Mikey. It was convoluted, but it worked.

Jude didn't look up from his book. "I think you're just a terrible liar."

Mikey kept a careful eye on Jude's colours, but they had hardly shifted. If Jude had known about what he could do, Mikey was sure he would have responded to Mikey coming so close to the truth. He didn't know, then.

Mikey decided not to tell Jude. It would be easier for him if he just kept thinking he was normal and stayed out of all this weirdness. He was using his ability just fine without knowing, so it didn't matter anyway.

"Yeah, probably," Mikey said, and confusion flooded Jude's colours. 'Probably' was a lie.

As time passed Jude growing up was obvious. He stabilised, became more caring and more willing to engage in conversation. By the time he was sixteen he seemed almost like an adult to Mikey. Finn had grown too. Physically quite a bit, but also emotionally. He was still quiet, introverted, he still loved Mikey, but there was a confidence to him now. His role was a strange one, but he played it comfortably.

Jude was the only person near his age who Mikey had ever known, so he'd used Jude as a gauge for what to expect when he himself matured. So it was strange for Mikey when he realised he was fourteen, the same age Jude had been when they'd met, and he didn't really feel all that much older. He was certainly not anything like Jude had been, even without all of the angst. He felt like he'd been left behind, stranded in childhood. He wasn't sure whether or not he cared, or if he even should. Jude and Finn showed no signs of caring.