Only Colours

Finn walked Mikey home, his silent companionship comforting in the newly chaotic situation his relationships with the others had become. He wished Finn would have stayed with him, but as soon as Mikey was home he left. He didn't know that Mikey enjoyed his company, that Mikey wanted him there even if he never acknowledged Finn. That was hardly Finn's fault, it was completely Mikey's fault, but Mikey wished he knew through some kind of magic anyway. If everyone had Mikey's specialness life would have been so much easier.

Zion and Jude were supposed to come over the next day when Mikey's mum was out, but after what had happened Mikey wasn't sure they'd show up. He was relieved when they did, both of them tired and worried and scared but together and okay. Mikey flung himself into Zion's arms and clung, trying to express without words that everything was okay, that Mikey didn't care if Zion was special or how. That all Mikey wanted was his friend.

"Do you—" Zion started to say, but Mikey quickly shushed him. They didn't need conversation, just hugs. Everything was okay, everything would be fine. Zion gave Mikey a squeeze so tight it made Mikey cough, but he didn't mind.

"All right, good," Jude said eventually and wandered towards the living room, bored with Mikey's display of affection now that he knew things were all right between the three of them.

It was a few more minutes before Mikey finally released Zion and they went to join Jude in the living room. Jude smiled at them when they entered.

"Did you talk about things?" Jude asked, and Zion shrugged and shook his head. Jude turned to Mikey. "Do you want to talk about things?"

Mikey didn't answer, just sat down on the floor next to Jude and started sorted through the pile of lego he'd left there. Neither Jude nor Zion tried to pursue the topic further. They knew Mikey well enough to know when he wasn't going to talk about something.

They played with the lego, they watched a movie, they baked cookies, but the tenseness between the three of them didn't dissipate. Maybe that was mostly because of Mikey, though. Because he'd decided what he had to do and because he was nervous about it.

Mikey waited until daylight started to fade before turning and addressing Zion. "You should go. It'll be dark soon."

Mikey had very clearly addressed only Zion, which caused confused glances and confused colours.

"I was planning on walking back with him," Jude said.

Mikey frowned. He wasn't sure how to counter that without being more direct. Zion saved him the trouble of figuring it out, though.

"No..." Zion said hesitantly. "I'll see you later, okay, Jude?"

Jude was equally unsure as he looked between Mikey and Zion. He shrugged. "Okay... I guess."

Zion left and Mikey returned to his lego because now that he had Jude alone he didn't quite know how to say what he needed to. There were rules, had always been rules, but this was important because Jude was his friend and that was worth breaking some rules, just a little bit, just once.

"So..." Jude said when Mikey showed no signs of explaining himself on his own.

Mikey sighed. Now or never, and he'd already decided against never. He couldn't look at Jude, though. Seeing his colours, what he was feeling, was important, but Mikey just... he just couldn't. Not when he was about to expose himself so much. "I'm going to tell you some stuff, but you have to agree to some things first."

"Okay..." Jude said. He sounded almost as nervous as Mikey felt.

When Mikey spoke, though, his voice came out more firm and confident than ever. He was rarely truly serious, and Jude had to know that this time he was. "Rule number one: you're not allowed to tell Zion anything I say."

"Why?"

"Rule number two," Mikey said rather than answering him. "No asking questions."

"All right," Jude said, though he didn't sound pleased. Mikey sympathised, he did, but this had to stay contained. Just this one conversation, just what Mikey had decided to share.

"Rule number three," Mikey continued, his eyes still on the lego man in his hand rather than on Jude. "You're not allowed to bring up anything I'm about to say ever again."

"Okay. I promise," Jude said.

Finally Mikey looked at Jude, studying his colours carefully for any sign of deceit. When he saw none, just anxiety, he nodded, satisfied, then turned back to his lego man. "It isn't just Zion. Or me and Zion, or... or whatever."

Mikey had almost brought up Jude's specialness, but no. This had gone far enough and Mikey didn't need to make it worse. He didn't need Jude to know that he was involved more deeply than he thought. At the same time, though, he knew Jude wasn't stupid, so he'd admitted to his own thing. Vaguely. If Jude knew about Zion, there was no way he hadn't figured out there might be more to Mikey than Mikey let on.

"What?" Jude asked, violating rule number two when they'd only just gotten started. "How do you—"

Mikey turned to glare at Jude, doing his best to just once, just once[i/] be the one in control.

Surprise dashed through Jude's colours. When Mikey was sure he'd gotten his point across he looked away again. "I don't know much, but I know it's all really dangerous and you should just... you should both just pretend that we're all normal and stay quiet and not bring any attention to us."

Now that Jude was involved in all of this, he needed to know the rules. Mikey's rules, the rules of survival. It was dangerous and Jude didn't understand. How could he understand?

There was a long silence and then Jude asked, "Do you know what he is?"

Anger rushed through Mikey and he glared down at the lego man in his hand. Jude had agreed to the rules, and now he kept breaking them. But... Mikey understood. It was about Zion, and Mikey knew how Jude felt about him. Maybe even better than Jude knew. Mikey shook his head stiffly. "I know he's not bad. Some... are bad."

"Okay..." Jude said uncertainly.

That was it, that was enough. Mikey had done all he could and now they could stop and go back to normal. He hoped they could, anyway. He breathed slowly in and out and willed himself to relax before forcing a smile and turning to look at Jude. "You put the lego away while I get dinner. My mum's not home yet, so we're having dinosaur pasta and the rest of the cookies."

Mikey ignored Jude's surprise and made himself stay relaxed as he headed for the kitchen. He could hear the clatter of lego as Jude began taking apart the tower they'd built and put it back in the box.

Mikey counted seconds in his head as he poured two cans on dinosaur pasta into a bowl and put them in the microwave. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. He couldn't remember the number of seconds his psychiatrist had taught him to breathe in for and how many he'd said to hold it for and how many he'd said to breathe out for and suddenly he panicked, like it mattered, like that was actually a thing that mattered in the slightest and it was stupid.

His chest hurt, breathing hurt, and his breaths came in gasps he could hardly control. He'd told, he'd told, he'd told. He'd broken his rules and he'd told. Not everything, he reminded himself, but... enough. Too much? He clenched his hands so tightly that his fingernails dug into his palms painfully.

From the living room Mikey heard the sound of Jude hefting the box of lego then his feet on the stairs as he took it back up to Mikey's room. Mikey was shaking just slightly, and he willed himself to calm. Just breathe. The microwave beeped and Mikey took the dinosaur pasta out, stirred it, put in back in. The simpleness of the task calmed him, so he got two glasses and filled them with juice, got the cookies out, put them on a plate. He went through the motions of getting dinner ready, and by the time Jude returned Mikey had made his way back to a point where he could fake okay.

Jude wasn't exactly doing great either, but he pretended just as well as Mikey on the outside. Mikey put on a DVD and they ate in silence as they watched it and when Mikey's mum came home they went to bed, Mikey upstairs in his room and Jude on the couch.

The next day, when Mikey was rested and calm, feigning normal was easier and he did it with impenetrable determination. Things didn't return to how they had been before, though. Not on the inside, not for any of them. Even Finn was angry and confused, knowing there was something going on and he'd been left out. Normally Finn was okay with that, but he'd seen Mikey's fear and that mattered to him.