If You Knew the Real Me...

If you knew the real me then you would know that my favourite colour has always been blue and purple.

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If you knew the real me then you would know that I find it hard to talk about my feelings and would rather avoid it altogether - thank you very much - unless I can find a song to describe my feelings and then play it to you or write them out, much like how I'm doing it now.

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If you knew the real me then you would know that my favourite bands are Cinema Bizarre and Black Veil Brides, I saw the latter play at the O2 Academy in Bristol, December 2013 where I got to see my idols in real life. I want to be just like them and be myself and express myself without fear of what others may say/do in response. When I saw them that day, it just cemented in my mind how real they really are and I had the best night's sleep that night in over 2 years.

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If you knew the real me then you would know that I have a creative streak a mile wide but hardly finish my newest idea/concept because I always get distracted by the newest thing my mind can come up with - I get bored easily and like to try several new ideas, even if it means abandoning my successful, old ones.

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If you knew the real me then you would know that I hide behind laughter, jokes and an impaassive mask - my last defense - so that I never give someone who I can't trust 100% to get the upper hand on me. My greatest fear is to have someone control me like a pet, or an object rather than what I really am; a person with feelings and rights, just like everyone else.

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If you knew the real me then you would know that I have a mild form of autism called Asperger's Syndrome and that half of my back, neck and part of my left arm are covered in scar tissue and my thighs in skin graphs; they are the reason I was bullied for all of my childhood and most of my teen years and that is why I have an inferiority complex and no self esteem and trust issues.

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If you knew the real me then you would know that I haven't spoken to my father in 2 years because of the way he treated my mother, my sister and I over the years and you would know that I am constantly at odds with my mother because she was never there for me when I was depressed and hurting and suicidal as a teen.

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If you knew the real me then you would know my mother's fiance is a commitment-phobic, controlling asswipe.

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If you knew the real me, you wouldn't need to read this.