Love, Lies, and Friendship

"I don't want to see him."

"I know that this has been very difficult for you Oliver, but unfortunately for you, you have a very stubborn friend. He hasn't left your bedside once unless I told him to."

"I don't want to see him."

"Has he done anything to upset or hurt you in any way?" I blinked back tears.

"No...never."

"Well, I can't go against your wishes, but trust me, in situations such as this, the more people bottle emotions up, the worse the implications are." I nodded.

"So can I let him in?"

"Ok..." He smiled supportively and left the room, a moment later Josh was rushing in and hugging me tightly. I didn't bother returning it, not ready to touch him yet. When he pulled back, my skin burnt where he'd touched me.

"How are you feeling?"

"Ok."

"I wish you'd spoken to me if you were having problems."

"But I wasn't. I was just busy."

"Ok...ok." He sighed in defeat.

"When can I go home?"

"Tomorrow morning." I swore loudly and Josh pushed a bit of hair back from my face.

"I know, but it's what we gotta do."

He stayed with me the entire time. When we went back home, he refused to let me work and instead spent the afternoon making sure I was sat on the sofa, relaxing, not doing anything.
"If you're not gonna leave me alone, you might as well come watch this with me, you're annoying me over there." He smiled and sat down with me.

"Can I ask you something..?" Josh asked slowly as we watched the screen. I just nodded.

"When you were out of it...the doctor was asking me why you were so stressed, because he had to figure out if you had an eating disorder or not..." I gestured for him to continue.

"I told him you were busy with work. But he didn't buy that that's all it was. So I...umm-"

"Told him about what happened with us?" Josh nodded and I sighed.

"Ok. So what's your question?" He hesitated for several minutes, the tension becoming almost palpable.

"Do you...still think about that?"

"Sometimes. You?"

"Sometimes...did you..like it?"

"In a way." Josh nodded and went to bed, not another word was said.

I didn't sense the stirrings of arousal in my stomach until Josh left, the fear of him seeing it in me, gone. I went to bed and tried to focus on anything else besides the growing frustration in my crotch, as I fought the near irresistible urge to rub myself against the mattress. I tried to go to sleep, but the soon pulsating urge was too difficult to ignore, and soon I was sitting up in bed, spit in hand, and jerking myself off in quick motions. I was unable to stop my imagination flowing as, for the first time in months, I let myself go, and let myself picture him naked, picture him doing the same as I was now, picture him fucking me. I came with a shuddering groan and went for a shower to clean myself up before going to bed.
I should've known that doing that before sleeping was a bad idea, I had dreams about Josh that night, dirty ones, and in the morning when I had to face him again, I felt like a blushing schoolgirl.

He made me sit with him and eat breakfast, which, even though I denied having an eating disorder, I actually found to be a surprisingly difficult task. I felt nauseous from the first mouthful of my favourite toast and jam combination, and I had to not look at it, because every time I did, or focused on eating, my throat would jerk around, threatening to make me gag. I ate both pieces and raised my eyebrows at Josh who smiled.
"Just for peace of mind. Thank you." I nodded and got dressed, the second I got to the bathroom, I had to fight the tempting urge to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet, and had a shower, pulling on my clothes hastily.

"You're not working today." I sighed but nodded. I let Josh keep me with him that day, we went to the park with Jordan and had a kick about with a football before talking about future tours, the one just passed, and new lyrics.

The next morning I woke early and went to the office to work, fed up of constantly being under his watchful eyes. He tried to call several times, but in the end I just turned off my phone.

There was a knock at my door around lunch time, and I looked up, my stomach clenching horribly when I saw Clara.
"Hi Oli." I put on a smile and stood up, greeting her warmly and offering her a seat which she took delicately.

"Josh was worried, I thought maybe you were fed up of his over-protectiveness, so I came here without him knowing." I nodded.

"There was really no need, but I appreciate it."

"Look, I know that you're under a lot of pressure at the moment. The trouble is, you've been through things before, and it makes people so much more protective. Josh is just being paranoid I'm sure, but I think sneaking off and ignoring him isn't as good a solution as talking to him. I'm not forcing you to do that, I'm just suggesting it Oli. Now, I'm gonna go and leave you in peace, but think about it, ok?"

"Of course. Thanks Clara." She smiled and left, as I watched her walk out, I realised that even I couldn't find it in myself to dislike her, she was just lovely in every possible way.

But deep down, I knew she was right.

I went home, and Josh was sitting on the couch.
"You weren't waiting for me, were you?"

"Sort of."

"Josh. Look, I know you worry about me, but you can't put your life on hold because of it. I'm a grown man, and I can handle things myself without you mothering me." He sighed.

"I just-"

"Don't mention the past. It's dead and gone." He stood up, surprising me when I realised that he was angry.

"But it's not!!! You have no clue what I went through when you were going through that stuff Oli!! I had to watch you dying in front of me, every fucking day! And I couldn't do a thing about it!" I blinked and he shook away tears.

"I felt so helpless, and these days, I'm starting to feel like that more and more, I can't watch you go back there-"

"I'm not! I'm ok now!"

"But you're not. I saw the way you were at breakfast this morning, again. You look nauseous every bite you take, and I know you hate listening to yourself or anyone else eat. And you don't tell me things anymore, it's like you're drifting away from me and I can't stand it-"

"Which is why I decided to come home and talk to you now. Thank Clara, she suggested it." Josh nodded, eyebrows popping up slightly.

"Sounds like her."

"Right, listen to me. And I mean that Josh, sit down. You're right. I do have a bit of an eating disorder, but I'm getting over that every day." He nodded.

"And I do have issues with myself, things I don't like talking about, you know that. But I'm alright. Granted, before I was starting to fuck up again, but I'm genuinely doing ok now. Ok?"

"I just...ok."

"What is it?"

"I feel like it's my fault-" He cut himself off and cried into his hands. It shocked me and took me a moment to move forwards and comfort him.

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since...that night...we've been getting worse. And I'm sorry, I reacted badly, and it made you-"

"Shut up ok? It wasn't you, I had to deal with stuff on my own. You reacted badly because you're straight. I reacted badly, because it made me realise that I might not be." Josh looked up at me through teary eyelashes.

"What?"

"I might not be." I shrugged and Josh wiped away his tears.

"Really?"

"Yeah. And I'm starting to think that that's ok too. So quit worrying, quit feeling guilty. I'm doing good now, ok?" Josh smiled gently.

"What so...you're interested in guys now?"

"Not 100%. But I guess I'm still trying to figure that part out." Josh nodded.

"Well, I guess I do need to stop being so protective. Sorry-"

"Don't apologise. You've been a great friend through all this. Thank you." I reached out and pulled him into a hug which he returned tightly.

"So, need a wingman?" I giggled and slapped him gently.

"No I think I'm gonna start out on my own thanks Casanova." Josh laughed.

"Ok. But be careful." I rolled my eyes and he laughed.

"Sorry! Sorry! Right, well, umm...Clara was gonna come over tonight-"

"Say no more. I guess I'm off to pick up some fit bloke. See you later." He laughed and let me go, I ran off to get ready and from that time, to when I left the apartment, my nerves tripled in energy. I realised I'd forgotten my phone, and went back for it, Josh and Clara were kissing in the kitchen and didn't notice me. My chest gave a painful twinge and I had to force myself to leave, no longer in the mood for looking at other guys.

When I got to the nearest half decent club, I just decided to get drunk, not in the mood for picking up anyone. However, as the music got better, and my alcohol level rose, I fully realised that I was in a place where I didn't have to hide at all. I was at liberty to check out the guys I thought were hot, and, to my surprise, there were quite a few. One guy smiled at me when I looked at him and I nodded slightly. I ordered another drink, turning around, and before I knew it he was at my side.
"Make that two." I turned slightly and he held out his hand.

"I'm Mike."

"Oli." I replied, shaking his hand.

"So tell me, what's a good looking guy like you doing here all alone tonight?"

"Was hoping not to be by the end of it." He smiled.

"That's my kinda man."

"Well I suppose you're in luck then." We both laughed and I took in his charming smile, messy hair, and frame that was just slightly bigger than my own.

We talked for another hour, contact on his part becoming more and more frequent before he whispered.
"How many more times am I gonna have to touch you before you wanna go somewhere more private?" I laughed, but inside felt nervous as hell.

"At least once more." He ran a hand up my back to rest on my shoulder.

"There it is. Let's go." He laughed and led me through to the bathrooms.

"Classy bloke." He laughed again, and pulled me into a corner, kissing me hotly. He pushed a hand into my now even tighter trousers, and started jerking me off. I groaned and pushed my hips into his. Before I knew it, he was pulling something out of his pocket, a pill, and trying to get me to take it.

"No, I don't want it, thanks."

"Come on, it'll make it better."

"No I don't take stuff, hey-fuck off I mean it!!" I shoved him back and he got angry, slamming me up against the wall and trying to get my mouth open so I'd take it. I kneed him in the gut and he just got angrier, punching me in the eye, making my head ricochet off the wall, momentarily blacking me out. I woke up on the floor with someone leaning over me.

"Hey, you alright?" I blinked and groaned, a different guy coming into my vision.

"Don't worry, they threw that creep out of here. I'm Zak."

"Oli..." I felt the back of my head and cursed when my hand came away bloody.

"Come on, I'll take you home Oli. I don't think your head's split, just needs cleaning up and some ice put on it." He helped me stand up and stay upright as we made our way outside, the bouncers wishing me well and promising that the guy from earlier had left.

Zak left me at the door, along with his number and hopes of a speedy recovery.

When I walked in, Josh and Clara must have been asleep, which I was grateful for, being in no mood to deal with them flapping around me.