They're Just Girls

Locklyn's POV

I walked briskly down the school hall, still pissed from the fight the night before that had continued to escalate through text messages later on. Jett had spent the night so we stayed up ranting and punching pillows until the early hours of the morning.

"I'm so not ready for today." Cleo disclosed, meeting up with us to go find the boys.

"I know, creative writing is going to be so awkward." I agreed, groaning at just the thought, my heart beginning to beat faster as I became angry all over again, remembering the unfriendly, and downright bitchy words our so called "friend" had thrown at us.

"I have lunch with her." Jett complained, "I swear if she tried to start something I will not hesitate to punch her in the mouth." She concluded, angrily clenching her fist to prove her point.

We found the boys standing by the stairs, like they usually did. Though I was happy for them, I envied my friends and the relationships they had been able to form with the guys.

Ashton looked particularly unhappy today, sad even, and as I got closer to him, I noticed his eyes, red and teary.

"Hey, are you okay?" I approached, not sure how he was going to react.

"I'm fine." He grumbled, "We should get to class."

"We still have time if you want to talk about it." I offered, hoping he would open up to me, but knowing he wouldn't. We were talking though, and even that was a step forward.

"It's fine Locklyn, just drop it." He said through gritted teeth, his voice strained, as another tear fell from his eye.

"You're a mess, are you sure you're up for school today?" I put a hand on his arm, trying to make his eyes that seemed to wander form the floor to the ceiling to the wall behind me be still.

"I told you I'm fine!"

"Why don't we just leave?" The words left my mouth before I had time to think about them. I had skipped before, that wasn't the trouble. The trouble was Ashton and I didn't get along, and there was no telling how seven hours alone together would go. However it went, it was sure to be better that watching Ashton choke on his feelings all day, and dealing with Marley drama.

"Like skip?" He seemed to perk up at the idea.

"Yeah."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair, probably weighing out the options in his head, "Alright, fine, let's go."

He was obviously not in the mood to talk right now, so I allowed the silence as we walked to my car.

"Do you want me to take you home? Or we could go to my house, my mom won't be home until later. Or we could do something." I listed off all the options.

"I definitely don't want to go back to Carr's." He looked so beat, so broken, sitting there in the passenger seat wiping his wet eyes, putting on his brave face, but the façade was cracking.

"There's a really good coffee place around the corner. We could sit in there until we decide."

"Okay." He agreed, probably not really caring.

The ride was short, but quiet except for the occasional sniffle from Ashton. I felt bad even though I had no idea what was bothering him. It had to be a big deal for him to be so upset about it. I wanted to find out though.

***

"Why do you like to draw so much?"

We were sitting in the small dimly lit coffee shop opposite each other, my previously abandon homework that I had brought in to keep myself busy, sitting in front of me, Ashton scribbling away in his leather book. His eyes were dry now, but still red and puffy. We hadn't talked really, just sat here, each of us in our own bubble.

"I just do." His words weren't harsh like they usually were, and I hoped his change in tone foreshadowed some sort of reconcile between the two of us.

"I've got all day." I didn't want to be pushy, I was just so interested and I wanted to know.

"Locklyn, you're a nice girl, don't let me ruin that for you, I'm not a good guy, and I think it's best if we're not friends." He looked back down at his book saying the conversation was over, but I wasn't done.

"I know about all the stuff you've done, but I also know that this program is going to help you get rid of whatever baggage you have, and I know that even though you have this whole bad ass, tough guy thing going for you but underneath the act is so much more, you're not a bad guy."

"You don't know that."

My mind flashed back to the small white flower sketched in the back of his book, telling me I was right. "Why do you draw?" I asked again, ignoring his point.

He groaned, slouching in his seat, "you are impossible."

"Just answer the question."

For the slightest, most minuscule moment, I could have sworn I saw the tiniest trace of a smile flash across his features as he sat up straight again, leaning his elbows on the table, "I've spent so much of my life destroying things, it feels good to create something."

His answer only left me with more questions.

"Why do you like to be so nosy?" He looked expectantly at me.

I didn't really know why I needed to know everything, but I assumed it had something to do with my need to always feel in control, because control meant security.

"I don't know."

"So it's cool for me to let you in on all of my little secrets, but when your brain is being poked and prodded at it's suddenly not okay?" He wasn't mad, his words sounded almost teasing.

"Well if you wanted some deep insight on who I am you should have asked a different question." I smirked.

***

At around lunch time Ashton and I had decided to go to my house to eat, cereal being our meal of choice since neither of us knew how to cook.

Ashton seemed to be feeling better than he did this morning, his smile making more than one appearance, and his angry outer shell shed. Happy looked good on him.

"There is no way that you cannot like watermelon!" Ashton protested plonking the spoon in his empty bowl.

"The texture is disgusting and the seeds make is hard to eat!"

"But it tastes so good!"

"It tastes like watery fruit!"

"It's delicious!"

"Is not!"

"Is so!"

"Watermelon is the seaweed of the sea because no one likes it!"

Then he laughed. I'd never heard him laugh before, but he did. It was such a melodic sound, so alive and loud, almost a giggle even. I really liked Ashton's laugh, but it was gone almost as quickly as it had arrived, replaced with a grimace and a distant look in his eyes.

"What's wrong? What happened?" I questioned, wanting to know what had caused his change in mood, not wanting whatever this new "getting along" was to be ruined.

"It's nothing." He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You were so happy like five seconds ago."

"I know! That's the problem! I shouldn't be happy! I don't deserve to be happy!" He exploded, standing, beginning to pace back and forth in the kitchen, as I watched from my spot perched on the counter.

"What do you mean you don't deserve to be happy? Everyone deserves to be happy." My heart hurt for him, no one should feel like that.

"You don't get it Locklyn, I'm a bad guy! I've done bad things! Terrible things! If you knew about them you wouldn't want me to be happy either!" Tears began to slip from his eyes and his fists clenched.

"Ashton what are you talking about?" I hopped off the counter and stood in front of him, grabbing his wrists to stop him from moving.

"I mess everything up! I hurt and destroy and I don't know how to do anything else! I shouldn't get to be happy!" He was full on sobbing now.

I wrapped my arms around his middle, hoping to comfort him, hoping he would accept it, and not push me away.

Quiet whimpers escaped his mouth as his strong arms encircled me, his head leaning down to rest on my shoulder as tears escaped his eyes, "I'm so guilty, Lock, I can't stop feeling guilty."

"What did you do?" I wanted to understand so I could help him.

"I killed her Locklyn! I killed her! I didn't mean to but I did!"

"You did what?" I choked, startled by the confession, wanting answers.

He backed away from me, sitting down in one of the chairs at the table, fingers wiping tears and pulling at his hair, "Exactly a year ago today, I was so stupid, and I would take it back if I could, but I can't. I had been out, partying, drinking and smoking, the usual, and I don't know what it was that possessed me to get in the car the next morning and drive home the way I was, I was still drunk and a little high, but I did." He paused, more tears falling from his eyes. I sat in the chair next to him, not wanting him to feel like I had abandoned him. "I turned into my neighborhood, and there was this little girl, she was six, her name was Lily," he paused again, sobbing. I took his hand in mine, rubbing circles on his knuckles in an attempt to calm him, "she had this ball, and it bounced into the street right in front of me and I was going too fast to stop and my senses were all off and she ran after it and I hit her. I hit her! She was only six!"

My heart shattered as he began to sob harder, choking on his own breath. I didn't know what to say to make it better.

"You make me feel so happy Locklyn, and it's not fair because she's dead and she can't feel anything anymore! It should have been me."

"It's okay to be happy, Ashton. Yeah, it's really fucked up what you did, what happened and everything, and you should remember it, and feel guilt, and regret, but you shouldn't let it keep you from living."

"It hurts so much. She was someone's daughter, someone's sister, or cousin and I took that from them."

I say on one of his legs, not having words to say, wrapping him in my arms, rubbing his back and he cried into the crook of my neck.

"I don't want to hurt you, Locklyn."