Confession

There's so many things I want to say to you. I could tell you how I admire you. You're smart, you're attractive, and you're well liked by everyone. I could tell you how from where I am at, you don't belong in that group of people you hang out with. If anything, you're better to hang out in my group of friends.

You want to hear something ironic? I didn't really like you before. In fact, I hated you. Of course like everyone else, I thought you had good looks, but I thought you were a douchebag. And then when our junior year started, I realized you were now in four out of my six class periods. So I just grew to like you. A lot. The thought of you makes my heart beat faster, my stomach fill with butterflies, and my breathing shorten. I once liked a guy for three whole years and I've only liked you for a few months, but I think I can say, I fell harder for you then I did with the last guy. I'm actually scared of that, you know? Do I want to fall harder for a guy or do I not want to fall harder for a guy? I don't know. I'm scared about that to be honest. I want to say you're worth the risk of falling harder for. I hope you're the risk. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't waste my time on liking someone if I wasn't absolutely sure that something would happen between us. And I think I broke that promise. I can't possibly see you ever liking anyone like me. It may just be my negative side talking or it could be reality, but we'd never work out. We'd never be.

You know how I always made cookies for everyone? Well, I partly always made them because of you. You said you loved them and they were so good and you'd eat a bunch of them, I just had to make them. Hearing you say you love my cookies made me really happy. That's why on the last day of school when I made cookies again and you had some and you were hogging the whole damn container, that made me really happy. You have no idea how happy and giddy I was.

Did you know that I wasn't going to do anything? I was just going to tell you that I liked you and leave it at that. If anything ever grew from that, then let it be. I wasn't going to bombard you with questions if you liked me back, I was just going to let you know. I would tell you and just go on with life as if nothing would happen. I would hope that nothing would be awkward between us. I was just going to move on with life and secretly like you from afar. I won't say I love you. Because I don't know. I can't give myself up to that type of like yet. I've been hurt before and I don't want to be hurt again.

I want you to be worth the risk. The risk of liking someone again. I don't want to be hurt again.

You made me happy. You made school tolerable. I actually looked forward to classes to see you.

Did you ever get the idea that I liked you? Even a little bit? And if you did, did you purposely ignore that fact?

Was I subtle in everything? Did I ever give off the impression of me liking you?

Why am I asking so many questions? It's not like you'll ever read them. Or even answer them for that matter. You're never gonna read this. After all, I'm probably never gonna show this to you. It's unneeded. Because if I ever really did get enough courage, I would tell you myself in person about how I felt about you. You didn't have to read all these silly words of a hopeless romantic. You wouldn't need to read my little joys in life about you. Or how I admired you from afar. Or about how much I liked you, it scared me. Or simply about the way I couldn't tell you how I really felt because I was a coward. And still am. I'm a coward. You wouldn't like a coward. You wouldn't like me.

I've filled pages and pages in my journals about you alone. I wrote little things that you said or did that was funny. Or things that you did that caught my attention and were worth writing down and remembering. I wrote down what our conversations were about or if we hung out a bit today or if you talked to me. And above all, I wrote about my insecurities about me, about you, about anything. I'm so insecure about myself and plugging you into the equation just made my insecurities worse. You made me insecure. You made me nervous. You made me feel like a lowly being, while you were of an entirely different species. A species so amazing and great that no one could touch it. You were something I couldn't touch. You were something that wasn't in my reach. You were something I couldn't have.

I've daydreamed about you a bunch of times. I sound like an obsessed girl, but I assure you, I'm not. I'm just a hopeless romantic who can't do anything with my own hands.

I've never done this before. I've written a confession before, but never this detailed and never so... emotion filled.

I'll be honest, I wanted you to notice me. To look at me. For who I really was. Not just the looks, but for me. I wanted you to like me. I'll admit, I made those silly wishes hoping you'd like me and tell me. And to tell the truth, I foolishly hoped that it worked. I wanted it to work. I wanted you to like me and tell me.

I'm scared you still might be hung up over your ex. I'm friends with your ex and sometimes I get to thinking about you and her and it kills me inside. You still might actually like her. I mean, all the signs seems to be pointing that you do. And it makes me sad. You need to move on. Find someone else to like. Someone to like who likes you as much as you like them. I want to be that girl. I like you. And I want you to know that. I want you to know that you can like me and I can like you and we'll just start from there. I want you to move on. I want you to move on with me.

I want, I want, I want. That's all I'm saying. I'm only saying what I want. What do you want? And there I go asking questions again that will never be answered by you. I'm pathetic, aren't I? There's another question. Let me rephrase that. I am pathetic.

I want a lot of things. I want... I want you.