We'll Be Counting Stars

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard
Said no more counting dollars,
We’ll be counting stars

Kili lay on the floor of his small cell, quite alone and quite troubled.

You see, Kili had a crush.

“This isn’t just any crush,” he said silently, over and over again in his mind. At first to his brother, who would undoubtedly make immature jokes, and then to his uncle Thorin, who wouldn’t even begin to think about considering such an idea- Kili and an elf. But then, he told himself that, and he believed it immediately.

It wasn’t just any crush.

She was, without a doubt (and he would say this to himself quite a bit as well), the most amazing creature he’d ever laid eyes on. The way she walked so smoothly and so elegantly. The way her voiced always commanded his attention, and the way her beautiful red hair flew out behind her like flames. But mostly, it was the way she fought.

Kili was raised around toughness and roughness. Even if he hadn’t grown up as his brother’s younger brother (and thus: his punching bag), and even if he hadn’t been Thorin Oakenshield’s nephew, he would have been used to the hardened life of a dwarf. That was just the way they were. Always loud and boisterous, always dirty and reckless. Kili’s own mother- who was beautiful as the Spring, and neither Kili nor Fili would stand to hear it any other way around- wore a full, dark beard she braided neatly. So, you could say, that elves just weren’t Kili’s type. He wanted a tough woman, someone who wouldn’t settle for laziness, and who would stand up and fight when the time came. No, a fair skinned, thin, nimble elf just wouldn’t do. Unless, of course, she was all of those things too.

Kili smiled and shut his eyes, going back over the scene in his head.

The way she appeared out of the sky, like an angel come to save him. But a fierce angel she was. One spider killed, then another- she made it seem easy. Then the third, all perfectly timed. Her arms, though thin, were hardened weapons of their own. She used all of her muscles in every movement, always knew where to put her foot, and then her hand, and then her blade.

He put his hands behind his head and stared up at the blackness that was his ceiling. He yawned, and tried to let sleep come to him and sooth his troubled mind and heart. But for all of the time he spent with his eyes shut, he slept little, and vividly dreamt of the beautiful red-haired elf maiden swooping down to him from above.

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep.

***

“I saw a fire moon once,” he said eagerly, wanting only to speak to her just a moment longer. For once, he didn’t care that he was behind bars, probably for the rest of his life. He didn’t care that he wasn’t going to reach the mountain by Durin’s Day. He didn’t care that it had all been for nothing. For, she was here, and she was surely more than nothing.

“It rose over the pass near Dunland.., Huge!” he loved commanding her attention. She didn’t place herself above him like the other elves did. She wanted to listen to him, to talk to him. He allowed himself to believe that she even liked him. The thought made his heart flutter.

And so they spoke about fire moons and the night sky. She told him about the stars in the north and how they look different than the ones here over Mirkwood. He told her about the time he and his brother got lost on a trip away from home when they were younger, and how they had to use the stars to get back.

“My mother nearly throttled us when we got back,” he said, eliciting a small laugh from her. “She hugged us so hard I couldn’t tell if she was happy or just ready to smother us!” and she laughed louder, her head dipping lower as her body shook. He watched her hair glide over her shoulder, falling gently over her arm. He longed so much to feel the strands between his fingers and to caress her soft cheek, loving the way it lifted up when she smiled that sweet, sweet smile. And those lips; deep red, and tantalizing to his eyes. He longed more than anything to-

“Tauriel!” a small, commanding shout from a guard came from somewhere above. The elf’s face changed back to the serious way she kept it more often than not, and without a word more, she stood and left him there, still full of longing.

But what was it he was longing for? He asked himself this as he sat back down, turning his runestone over in his hands, once again bored and alone.

What could ever happen? First of all, she was an elf, and he a dwarf. Apart from their obvious height difference, there was also the difference in age and mortality. Sure, he was old, but not that old. Second of all, he was prisoner- indefinitely. And third of all- he was her prisoner! He laughed aloud, for all his doubts and troubles, he still saw visions of her running through his mind, wielding her bow and flashing him that private, unguarded smile she seemed so eager to wear around him. Even in the midst of all of this, Kili could not believe his luck, or at least what felt to him like luck.

The most beautiful woman in the world. Here. Listening to his stories. Laughing at his jokes. What luck, indeed.

Dreaming about the things that we could be.

***

“Lie still,” she said, offering him a smile that was both comfort and relief at hearing words from his lips. At hearing her name on his lips. She held his eyes for a moment, but knew he would be fading in and out.

“You cannot be her,” he said, causing her to stop breathing for a moment. What did he mean? She waited, not looking at him, for her hands trembled and she worried about the words he would say next.

“She is far away,” he said, looking up above him, toward the stars, though they were blocked by the ceiling. “She… She is far, far away from me,” he continued, and Tauriel felt the same sensation she’d felt back in Mirkwood once more. When she had looked into his dark eyes in the dungeons, she knew she had seen something she’d never seen before. It was an endless journey. It was a need, a yearning, to keep looking and searching and always discovering new, beautiful treasures. His eyes were deep pools she would get lost in, like she had in the stars from time to time. She new the sensation well, though she’d never felt it anywhere but up in the night sky.

Then again, nothing had ever drawn her love and affection like the night sky.

“She walks in starlight in another world,” Kili whispered to her, still lost in a fog of fever and emotion. “It was a just a dream…” he trailed on, letting his eyelids all but close.

Tauriel thought about what this meant. Obviously he was still sick with fever and confusion. He thought someone else had arrived to save him and heal him. Some angelic spirit come to bring him back to life, back to the light.

“But it was me,” she wanted to say. She wanted to open his eyes for him and see her, Tauriel, nothing mythical or unbelievable. For the first time, she allowed herself to imagine her life with Kili. It seemed so unattainable and, most of all, so reckless. Sure, she was young, but not that bold. Still, as she gazed at him, she needed to hold him, feel him, and be with him. Even though she knew there were too many obstacles in that path, should could not help but want to take his hand. She could already feel the touch of his rough fingers between her own, as if it were real…

“Do you think she could have loved me?” he asked, the last words to leave his lips before he drifted back into sleep. She wanted to tell him that yes, yes she could. That she’d thought of nothing else since his arrival in Mirkwood, and if that wasn’t love, then love wasn’t something she could ever imagine herself wanting or chasing.

When Tauriel finally realized that her fingers were indeed intertwined with his and that it wasn’t her imagination, she knew that he did not believe her to be mythical. He’d reached out to her, reached out to the starlight, even in his delusion, and grasped for her, ready to walk among the stars with her for the rest of their days.

And it was a beautiful life to imagine, she thought, and smiled. One by one, passing stars, bathing in their light, counting the precious white rocks until they’d run out of numbers to give them.

We’ll be counting stars.