Don't Forget Where You Belong

Alex's mom always told him he has 'the patience of a saint'. She would smile sadly at him and ruffle his hair and tell him it would all pay off soon enough. He assumed she was just referring to his patience with her inability to find a man that she liked enough to settle down with. Now though, he's starting to realize she meant much more than that.

The past four days have had record breaking temperatures and humidity levels, and Alex has spent them all outside in his pool, trying to avoid heat exhaustion and sun poisoning while counting down the weeks he has left. He has seven weeks. Seven weeks until he has to pack all of his shit up and drive down to Florida, where it will be twice as hot and twice as lonely. John won't be there with him. He'll be here, starting senior year while Alex will be sitting in his dorm at college, miles away. Alex feels a pang of loneliness shoot through him, and he has to remind himself that he's getting way ahead of schedule. John is right next to him. They have seven weeks. They still have time.

"I think I'm starting to burn," John mumbles from his lounge chair, where he's been sitting playing Mario Kart on his DS for the past half hour. "Can we go inside?"

Alex nods instantly, reaching out to pick up John's water bottle and sunscreen and towel from the table beside their chairs, but he stops himself. John is perfectly capable of carrying his own shit. And this is just one more thing to add to Alex's growing list of things to worry over.

“Can we watch the new Fast and Furious that came out the other day? I think it’s On Demand,” John suggests as he leans over to grab his things, piling them in his arms and it’s all Alex can do to keep himself from assisting. “And blast your AC as high as possible?”

“Well duh,” Alex responds, grabbing his own water and towel and getting up from the lounge chair. “As long as we lower it before my mom gets home. You know how she gets pissed about the AC being too high.”

John laughs, knowing all too well how paranoid Alex’s mom can get over their electricity bill, considering he’s been hanging out around the house practically every day since he and Alex met in elementary school. He knows they never used to be as financially sound as they are now and that Alex’s mom has never really been able to forget it.

They end up in Alex’s bedroom, laying on his bed and watching the movie on his laptop with the air conditioner in his window set to the highest setting possible. John changed into a pair of boxers and the t-shirt he got from spending one day on the high school’s soccer team. Every time he wears it, Alex makes fun of him for his inability to run a mile and getting politely asked to quit the team. But this time he stays quiet, because he’s got too much on his mind and he’s having a hard time forcing himself to keep his hands to himself.

That's been happening a lot lately. Too often for Alex to just ignore anymore. It feels like every time he and John are together (which is all the time, practically), he gets this urge to just take care of him or hold him or help him do whatever it is he's doing, even when it's something as simple as looking for a t-shirt in his dresser drawer. Alex isn't stupid. He knows that all these things he's been feeling and thinking are just symptoms of something much bigger than he would care to acknowledge. His mom's words about how patient he is come back to haunt him all the time now. Because while he's already realized that John is his soul mate, John has literally not the slightest clue yet. And that's the most painful thing out of the whole situation.

"Dad said I have to come home tonight," John mumbles through the dark an hour into the movie, head in his arms and eyes closed. Alex frowns at his words, reaching out turning the volume off on his laptop. John usually always stays over during the summer. Especially ever since his dad kind of turned into a huge asshole.

"Why?"

John shrugs, eyes still closed. He looks so relaxed and comfortable and all Alex wants to do is curl around him and fall asleep. "Said something about going to visit my grandma in the morning so. Probably wants to leave early."

Alex frowns a little more, the idea of John leaving his side upsetting him more than he would like to let on. So he just sighs and puts the volume back on, pushing away all thoughts about John not being in his room tonight, just a few feet away on the air mattress that may as well have his name on it now. He pushes away the thoughts about John's dad making him come home not because he wants to leave early to visit grandparents, but really because he can't stand Alex and he knows exactly what John is to Alex.

John falls asleep before the end of the movie, of course. He snores softly and spreads out on the bed, taking up more space than is actually available with his long limbs. Alex is fine with it. He's pressed up against his wall, stuck watching the end of the movie on his own, knowing that John is comfortable. He has rules for when things like this happen. But he goes against all of them tonight when he presses his hand on John's lower back and feels him inhale and exhale. And he hasn't felt so content with anything in so long.

But of course, by the time ten o'clock comes around, Alex has to give it all up. He could have just let John keep sleeping. That's what he really, really wanted to do. But he knew that if he did, his dad would get mad that he's not home and Alex doesn't really feel like dealing with that tonight. So he shakes John awake as gently as he can manage, hands pressing softly on his shoulder and mouth whispering as quietly as possible. John blinks a few times before he recognizes that he fell asleep in Alex's room and he smiles sleepily, stretching his arms out in front of him.

"Sorry," he apologizes, "Didn't realize I was that tired. Thanks for waking me up."

"It's okay." Because of course it is. There's probably not much that John could do these days that wouldn't be okay. "We can finish the movie another night."

It takes five minutes for John to gather his things and leave. Alex watches him shove his wet bathing suit and towel into his backpack and resists the urge to tell him that's just going to get everything else inside it soaking wet too. He watches him from the front door as he walks down the front walkway, turning around to wave at Alex before he starts heading down the street.

Alex sighs as he shuts the front door, and he feels someone come up behind him and put their hands on his shoulders.

"You alright, sweetheart?" His mom asks him, rubbing his shoulders gently, "Did John have to go home?"

He slumps his shoulders, feeling the tension leave his body as she gently guides him towards their kitchen. "Yeah. His dad wanted him to come home."

He's not tense anymore, he notes as he sits down at the kitchen table and watches as his mom moves around, pulling out coffee mugs and hot chocolate packets. However, his heart aches and feels like it's beating twice as hard and twice as fast. "I don't like when he leaves," he admits out loud, looking down at his hands splayed out on the table. "I feel weird when he's not near me."

His mom sighs from across the room, not pausing her movements once. "I know that, baby. I do."

She doesn't offer any words of advice. She doesn't try and tell him she understands, even though Alex knows she went through this too. With his father. Almost twenty years ago.

"Why does it have to be like this?"

And he feels like a little kid again. He feels like he's sitting in his living room, having his dad try and explain to him that there's someone out there for everyone. That there's someone out there who will make you feel better than you've ever felt. Who will make you feel complete and like everything you've been through was worth it. Little did he know that Alex was going to be one of the few unlucky ones. The ones who have had that person all along and have to wait for them to realize it too.

"It's hard. I get that." She sits down at the table across from him, slides him a mug of hot chocolate. Alex just stares at it. "I always had a feeling you'd be an early bird. I mean, you were born two months early. You walked way earlier than the doctors told me you would. So why wouldn't you find someone earlier than you should, too?"

Normal people don't find their soul mate until they're in their twenties, at least. After high school and college and have had a taste of the real world. He learned that in school. He studied it. But here he is, just barely eighteen and heading off to college in another state, leaving his completely oblivious soul mate behind. And God only knows how long it might take for John to realize it. If he ever even does.

"It took four months for your dad to wake up and realize I was right in front of him all along," his mom laughs, sounding more fond than sad about it. "Four months of me sulking about him not caring about me nearly as much as I cared about him. But it happened. And when it does happen? It's the best day of your life. And it's going to happen for you. I promise."

He doesn't like when she talks about Dad. He knows it still hurts her. He's gone and there's nothing either of them can do about it, unless going back in time ten years and somehow preventing the car accident that killed him is an option. So he just nods and takes a sip of hot chocolate, hating the fact that it doesn't make him feel a damn bit better.

"John's dad doesn't want him to be with me," he decides to point out, "He never likes when I'm there."

That she waves off, rolling her eyes. "Now I think you're just being dramatic."

But he's not. But he'll drop it for now.



At the beginning of August, John has a mini-breakdown.

"What if I never feel it?" He says, lying flat on his bed after they've just come back from seeing the newest Spider-Man. "What if I don't find someone? Because I'm fucked up and I can't feel it?"

Alex wants to throw up at the idea of John never feeling it. But he just shakes his head and pretends to be confused. "Why the hell are you freaking out about this now? You're not fucked up. You're seventeen. You're not even supposed to 'feel it' yet."

"In the movie. Peter and Gwen. They were soul mates. Out of high school. I just...what if my person is someone I'm around all the time and I would have no fucking clue all because I'm...because I'm broken or something!"

Broken. That thought has never occurred to Alex. Mostly because it's a stupid suggestion but also because even if it could possibly be slightly true, he'd like to ignore it. "What the hell has you thinking you're 'broken?"

John shrugs and tries to suffocate himself with his own pillow. But Alex pulls it away from him and looks at him, expecting an answer. He can feel the distress rolling off John in waves and he hates it.

"Because! My parents. They weren't...you know. They weren't soul mates. I'm not...I wasn't really supposed to happen."

It's true. John's parents were not as 'MFEO' as they had thought when they first got together. John was a mistake - as harsh as that does sound. He was unplanned and they weren't married and had no plans of actually getting married. So while it sounds like he's crazy, John is actually kind of right. He wasn't supposed to happen.

"That doesn't mean you're broken, you moron," Alex tries to tell him, "It's like... So rare for that to happen."

It's only ever happened maybe a handful of times before. Someone born to two people who weren't soul mates and never found theirs. They just never felt it. What if that's true for John? What if he never realizes Alex is his?

"I'm being stupid, I know," John sighs, sounding defeated, "I got freaked out. I don't want to end up alone."

You won't, is what Alex wants to tell him, you won't because I'm right here you idiot.

"Ignore me," John says after a few moments of silence, sitting up on his bed and looking much less depressed than he did just moments ago. "Wanna play GTA?"

"Definitely."



It all seems much easier when John initiates the contact. Every single day that passes, the longing and desire he feels towards the younger boy only increases, and the need to touch him, even just a hand on his shoulder or an arm around his waist, increases too. It hurts when he's not around. It's hard to breathe properly sometimes, and Alex finds himself doubled over in the bathroom, head between his knees as he tries to remind himself that all of this is only temporary. All the shitty feelings and side effects of John being oblivious will be worth it eventually.

But the times when John is more touchy than usual, like when they're in Alex's bedroom, lying side by side on his bed and doing nothing other than playing stupid games on their phones are hard. John will sometimes move in closer, tangle their legs together. Rest his head on Alex's shoulder. And just that little bit of contact is enough to remind Alex how patient he's been - and how patient he still has to be.

"What am I supposed to do when you're gone?" John whispers through the dark one night, across the room on the air mattress. "How am I supposed to get through school every day by myself?"

Alex knows it's late - probably getting into the early hours of the morning actually - but he hasn't fallen asleep yet. He stares at his ceiling as he shrugs to himself and responds, "Dunno. But I've been wondering the same thing."

He can hear John breathing and he just knows that he's getting stressed out. He can sense it. And he wants to crawl under the sheets into the space next to him, take him in his arms and try and convince him that it's fine. That he'll be fine. But he stays put because he knows better.

John cuts the silence again. "You're going to make new friends. And we’ll stop talking as much. And when you come home you won't want to hang out-"

"Shut up before I beat the shit out of you for being a moron," Alex mumbles, rolling over onto his side. He can't see John through the dark, but he sends a glare towards his general direction. "Nothing will change. I can literally guarantee that I will never not want to be around you."

For a minute, Alex thinks this is going to be one of those nights where John initiates the contact first and crawl into bed with him and they can pretend it's all just fine. But instead the younger boy sighs loudly, and Alex hears the sheets rustle as he probably turns onto his back.

"I'm being dumb," he finally whispers, "Go back to sleep, Alex."

He was never asleep in the first place, but John doesn't know that. Alex hears his breathing even out, and he himself just continues staring up at his ceiling, everything still as uncertain as it was before and that itch under his skin more obvious than ever.



John's dad takes him to Florida on vacation the second week of August. Alex decides his best bet is to try doing everything he can to distract himself from the fact that John isn't in the same state anymore, let alone a few blocks away. He blatantly ignores that this is exactly what it's going to be like when he leaves next week.

His mom suggests going shopping for things he'll need for school and he takes her up on it instantly. They go to Staples for notebooks and binders and pens and desk supplies and highlighters. They go to Macy's to get some more summer clothes, since the warm weather in Florida lasts longer there than it does in Maryland. They get a small TV from Best Buy. And they finish all the shopping by noon. So much for distracting himself.

"You have to get a grip on yourself Alex," his mom advises over lunch, "It's been barely twelve hours since you saw him. You have another six days of this."

"And how do I do that?" Alex snaps, focusing more on his food in front of him than the look she's giving him. "I literally feel sick. All because he's not near me. How am I supposed to go to Florida for a whole semester?"

"It’ll get easier and easier over time,” she tells him, and he has to resist from calling her out on that. He knows it’s not going to. How could it? “So just calm down and let’s try and figure out what else we need to get before you go.”

Unless she can somehow figure out how to pack John into his suitcase without his dad even knowing (not to mention finding a way to make that legal and not weird at all), then he really doesn’t believe her at all. It’s just going to get harder and harder and he almost wishes John wasn’t coming back on Sunday. Because maybe it’s just easier to treat this like a Band-Aid. Rip it off and get it over with.



Three days later, she finally realizes that maybe Alex isn’t doing nearly as well as she assumed. She comes into his room a little after one in the afternoon, whining about how Alex is being ridiculous and how he has to get out of bed and do something and not stay in his room all day and Alex can barely even work up the energy to tell her to fuck off and leave him alone to die in peace. Because his head is pounding and he feels overheated. But at the same time, he’s shivering and covered in a cold sweat and he feels just inches away from death. He’s not even being dramatic like he usually is. He literally feels like shit.

“Oh, Alex,” She mumbles once she realizes no, he’s not staying in bed because he’s lazy, he’s staying in bed because he can’t move. She sits down on the edge, puts her hand on his back and he thinks for a second she’s going to tell him to suck it up and that he’s being overdramatic about something that is simply inevitable. But then she sighs and shakes him gently. “Alright, get up. I’m taking you to the doctor.”

And that’s how he ends up on two different medications that he can’t even pronounce. The doctor didn’t seem very shocked to hear that he’s already found his soul mate, and even less shocked to hear that his soul mate isn’t currently in this state. She wrote a few things down on his charts, had a nurse draw his blood for some tests and then prescribed the two medications with long names and longer descriptions. The first one is supposed to clear his symptoms up and he should only have to use them for a week or so. The second one, though, is supposed to help prevent those symptoms from ever getting this bad again. Until he stops taking them.

“It’ll just dull them, really,” she said, writing and writing and writing on his files. “I haven’t seen a case as bad as yours in a long time. You must really know this person pretty well to be feeling this strongly about them already.”

Alex had wanted to tell her she didn’t know the half of it, but he just kept silent and let her ramble about bonds and soul mates and other shit he just doesn’t care about. He wants to put the prescriptions in at the pharmacy, go home and go back to sleep until his mom picks the meds up when they’re filled and he can drug himself into feeling better. And that’s exactly what he does.

He falls asleep for a few hours after he gets home and after his mom gets the meds for him. The side effects on the back of the pill bottles said they’d make him drowsy, which is going to suck if he’s got to take these every day, but at this point he’ll do anything to stop feeling this way. When he wakes up, his head feels clearer and he can sit up without the room spinning. He doesn’t feel so hot anymore and the ache in his chest has lessened considerably. When he gets a text from John about how bored he is, he doesn’t throw up from the pangs of loneliness like he had been. He just sighs and sends a response back and wonders how these meds are going to affect him when John is back around.



The morning that John is supposed to be coming home, Alex does something dumb. He wakes up early after a night of tossing and turning and not being able to get comfortable, and he gets his laptop out and starts googling. He looks up how often kids are born to two people who aren’t soul mates. He looks up the statistics and information and all the things that happen as a result. He finds out that it’s not common for those kids to never find their soul mate, but that it does happen and it’s not all that rare.

John voiced his concerns about this a while ago, and Alex had brushed them off. He didn’t want to even acknowledge the fact that it could happen - that Alex could feel this way for the rest of his life. Feel incomplete and unwanted and lonely forever, all because John’s parents weren’t supposed to ever get together. He should have just kept ignoring it. He shouldn’t have tried researching it. Because now his heart is pounding so hard and so loud he can’t hear anything else and he’s sitting on his bed, head in his hands and he doesn’t even hear the door open until there’s a hand on his shoulder and another body climbing onto his bed beside him.

He knows it’s John the second he touches him, because he calms down almost instantly and he doesn’t quite feel like jumping off of a bridge anymore. He lets John get close to him, wrap his arms around his waist and rest his head on his shoulder before opening his eyes and looking down at him.

John looks the same as he did when he left, just a few shades darker from the Florida sun. The freckles on his nose that are always unnoticeable are now standing out and Alex can't help but smile. They’re both wearing the same cutoff tank they got at a Blink-182 concert they went to a few summers ago. He’s been taking his new meds regularly, and he’s felt better and better every day, but with John next to him now he feels better than okay. And he’s not sure how he’s going to get through each day in Florida, taking pills just to make him feel as normal as he can get when he knows what this feels like.

“I missed you,” John sighs, letting go of Alex and climbing further up onto his bed. “Florida was boring. I don’t know how you’re going to survive more than a month without me there,” he grins, but Alex can her the desperate plea of please don't go please don't leave me here please stay behind his words and it's all he can do to just smile right back and pretend that everything will be perfectly okay.



It’s weird being on the suppressant meds while he's not even away from John. The meds are supposed to be for when they're states away, to make those pangs of loneliness and distress and depression more bearable for Alex. So John being right next to him, arm pressed right up against Alex's as they both lean on the counter in John's kitchen, combined with the meds? Alex feels on top of the world and he knows for a fact that the second he gets in the car to leave for school tomorrow, he's going to come crashing down and he's going to feel it worse than ever. But he'll take this for now. He'll deal with the comedown when he has to just to have these moments with John now.

"We can Skype," John suggests, clicking on something on his laptop, "And you can show me your dorm room and your roommate and all the pictures of us you're going to hang up."

Alex sighs and nudges him with his shoulder. "I don't want people thinking I'm a total weirdo."

"Just tell them I'm your boyfriend. Then it's not weird."

John doesn't even understand the weight behind his words and how hard it is for Alex to swallow them down. But he does it, because he has to. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I need to worry more about whether or not my roommate will judge my snoring habit or my inability to keep my room clean."

John is about to say something in response to that - probably something about how messy Alex is and how loud he snores - when the front door slams shut and Alex can't hide the way he jumps in surprise, elbow hitting his laptop and nearly knocking it over the edge of the counter. John steadies it, looking at him with nervous eyes just as his dad walks into the kitchen, tossing his keys onto the table with little care.

"Hi Dad," John greets him, edging in front of Alex so slightly it's not even noticeable to anyone but Alex. "Work okay?"

"It was okay," his dad responds, tugging at his tie and loosening it as his eyes move from his son to his son's best friend. He sees Alex's hand on John's hip before Alex can even register that he put it there. "Hello Alex."

Alex isn't afraid of Mr. O'Callaghan, really. He never was and he still isn't. But the guy is intimidating even when you're on his good side. And Alex hasn't been on his good side for months now. And that's the main reason he drops his hand from John's hips and reaches to close his laptop and put it in the case, mumbling out a "Hello sir," before stuffing the case under his arm. "I should probably go."

"You're leaving?" John asks, voice more whiney than usual, "But this is our last day to hang out! I want you to stay!"

John wants him to stay, so of course Alex is going to. It kind of sucks, if he's honest, that John could ask him to walk on a tightrope across the George Washington bridge during rush hour and he would do it in a heartbeat and John wouldn't even know why.



They're catching up on The Walking Dead in John's room when Alex almost just gives it all up. John is sprawled across the bed, legs hooked over Alex's thighs as he watches the small flat screen TV on his dresser across the room. He sighs deeply and Alex wants to know what it would be like to just take him and hold him and fall asleep with him pressed up against him. What it would be like to be able to call him his and to be able to show off how strongly he feels about him and how much he cares. He wants all of it, right now, all because of one sigh.

It would be so simple. All he would have to do is say ‘hey, you know you're my soul mate?’ and that would be it. Then it would just be a matter of John believing him and trusting him not to lie to him about it. And John would. Alex knows he would.

It all sounds like a good idea, and Alex has all the words on the tip of his tongue. A whole speech about how hard it's been these last few months keeping it all in and how badly he's just wanted to kiss John in the middle of his sentences. But then John laughs at something that happens on the show, grinning ear to ear and all attention on the TV screen. His fingers are twisted into the hem of Alex's t-shirt and suddenly the touch alone is enough to snap Alex out of it. He can't do that to John. He can't ruin it for him.

Alex reaches down and brushes his fingers over John's, distracting himself and willing away the idea of being a total asshole. John doesn't blink at the touch. John's not ready. Alex isn't sure how he knows that, but he does. For whatever reason, genetics decided to screw him over early, make him suffer through God knows how long of pinning after John and waiting for him to notice. John needs time. So Alex can give it to him.

He'll take this though. He'll take this memory with him to Florida. He'll use it when he's all alone and the meds aren't working as well as he needs them to be. John's hand in his shirt and the smile on his face. It'll be enough.



He's supposed to take his meds every morning at nine. That's what he's been doing since he got them and that's what he should be doing right now, sitting in his mom's car as they drive down to Florida with all his college shit packed up in the trunk. But it's 9:01 now and the pills are still in his hand and his water bottle still unopened. He's been texting John since he left earlier, about nonsense and TV shows and stupid shit nobody but them cares about. Every mile that passes, Alex is just waiting for it to happen - for him to start collapsing on himself and feeling like shit and feeling like his heart is trying to climb out of his chest and start hitchhiking back to Maryland and back to John's bedroom, where he's probably underneath his covers and watching something on Netflix and trying so hard to stay awake to keep talking to Alex. But nothing has changed. Alex feels the same. And he thinks he hates it.

He wants to miss John with everything he has. He wants to know how it feels to be separated from him and not know what to do without him next to him. He wants to know that he loves John so much that just being away from him is making him sick. And the pills he has in his hands are the reason he's not feeling like that.

It's 9:04 when his mother turns in her seat, the encouraging smile from this morning long gone. "Take your pills, Alex," she says, sounding tired and concerned, and he can tell that she's probably thinking this is all a bad idea. "Don't be stupid."

He swallows them both down at once at 9:05, sighing as his phone buzzes with a new text from John telling him he misses him already. Alex's heart aches at the distance, but he knows he should be feeling so much worse.



Two weeks into the first semester of his college career, Alex has met some interesting people. There's this kid Jack. He lives across the hall with his roommate Matt and the two of them are pretty much polar opposites. Jack is weird. He says weird things that don't make sense, and he's loud and obnoxious. Matt is quieter, makes a lot more sense when he speaks. But together, they play off each other's personalities so easily that it's almost impossible not to like them or get along with them. Alex is impressed. They've known each other for two weeks and if you didn't know that, you'd think they've been best friends since diapers.

Sierra is a girl in Alex's Intro to Biology class. She sits next to him and tells him what page in the textbook they're on when he's too busy paying attention to his phone than to the lecture going on. She has a nose ring and stunning eyes and if Alex didn't already know better, a part of him would probably hope that she was his. But as it is, Alex does know better and Sierra is just the nice girl who helps him with homework and comes over to watch movies with him and his roommate during the weekends.

His roommate took some getting used to, if he's honest. His name's Martin and he's quiet. Alex is quiet, but this guy takes it to another level. At first it was weird, because Alex would be reading a textbook or working on a paper and Martin would be on his bed or on his laptop, so quiet that Alex would completely forget he was in the room. And after the first couple of days of it, Alex had to break it to him - dude, you need to make more noise or I'm going to have a heart attack before the semester is even halfway through - and now Martin turns his notebook pages a little bit louder, types on his keyboard a little harder and Alex's heart rate hasn't spiked since. Martin's still quiet as far as conversations go, but that's not something that bothers Alex at all.

"It must suck so hard," Sierra says on the third Sunday since school has started. She's sitting in Alex's computer chair at his desk, spinning back and forth while they watch one of the football games that aren't at halftime. Martin just left, claiming a meeting with his academic adviser. "Like, I don't think I could handle it."

Alex looks away from the TV. "What are you talking about?"

"Martin. You know. Him and Paul." Her words confuse him even more, and she seems to catch on to that. "...You have no idea who Paul is, do you?"

"I don't," he admits, but he quickly thinks maybe he shouldn't have done that. "I mean...um. Should I?"

Sierra rolls her eyes and Alex thinks they're going to get stuck like that one day, she does it so often. "Martin's known who his soul mate is since he was twelve."

"Twelve?"

"Yes, twelve. His name's Paul. But Paul is currently fighting in Iraq."

That's great and all - well, not great at all actually - but Alex is still stuck on the whole 'twelve' thing. "He was twelve? I don't understand-"

"It happens, Alex. Didn't you take classes on this in high school? There have been cases with people as young as ten. It's not common but it happens. Martin was twelve. Met Paul at a family party and couldn't stop talking about him or wanting to hang out with him. Martin's parents figured it out pretty quickly. Obviously, at twelve he was more interested in hanging out with the guy and playing video games and trading Pokémon cards. But-"

"How the hell do you know all of this?"

"I asked him."

"Oh."

"He has a lot to say if you try and talk to him, you know," she says, turning her focus back to the TV.

She's probably right. Martin probably does have a lot to say. Everyone does, doesn't they? It's just a matter of somebody caring to listen. And if he's honest, Alex is totally interested in this story about Martin and his soul mate. Plus, it's been an hour since he texted John today and John has yet to answer. So he needs a distraction.

So when the game is over and Sierra says something about doing research for her Women in History class, that's when Martin comes back with a takeout box from the cafeteria, holding the door open with his foot for Sierra to walk out. She ruffles his hair as she goes, pulling a blush and a glare out of him.

He sits down at his own desk without a word, focusing mostly on clearing away some textbooks to make room for his grilled cheese and French fries. Alex watches him, finally deciding to just come out and ask, because that's the only way he can think of doing it.

"Sierra told me about Paul before," he blurts out, deciding once the words are already spoken that maybe he should have been a bit more subtle. Too late now. "About uh. About how he's your soul mate."

Martin grins at the mention of Paul's name, forgetting all about his lunch and instead pushing it aside to open up his laptop. "Yeah, he is. Wanna see a picture?"

And just like that, Martin is talking more than he has in all the weeks they've been here.

"He's coming home in a month," he says when Alex has pulled his own chair over to his desk, "He said he was going to come visit me but I told him I would have to make sure it would be okay with you first. Because he would have to spend a few nights in our room and I don't want to make you uncomfortable or-"

"Trust me," Alex interrupts him, "It's fine with me. Promise."

Martin smiles even wider, bringing up his Facebook page and clicking a few times before stopping on a picture of him with another boy who's taller than he is, with black hair and a soft smile. "That's Paul."

He's gorgeous, Alex can admit that. And he's wearing his army uniform and that just kind of seals the deal. "He is really, really good looking," Alex finds himself saying without thinking yet again. But it's the truth. "Does he...you know. Does he know too?"

Martin gets what he's saying, despite how vague he is. "Yeah, he knows. But only recently. I've known...I've known since I was twelve."

Martin blushes, avoiding looking at Alex and instead puts all his focus on the computer screen in front of him. "I know it sounds weird but-"

"It's not weird. Not like you can help when it happens, right?"

When Martin looks back at him, Alex knows he knows. "Right. I'm guessing you're kind of in the same boat?"

"I wasn't twelve, but John is still in the dark."

"It sucks, I know. When I was twelve it was okay - we were just kids. He was a year older than me but we hung out all the time and I never noticed the loneliness all that much. I needed him as a friend and that's all. But when I turned fifteen, it's like a switch flipped and everything I knew was different. I needed more from him and I wanted to be more for him. Being friends and hanging out wasn’t enough anymore and they put me on meds to stop me from feeling that way. But three months ago, he was home for three days. And one morning he was banging down my front door to tell me he loved me. It was worth the wait I think."

"Sometimes I think John's never going to feel it," Alex mumbles, hand tightening around his cell phone in his hoodie pocket. "Sometimes I think I'm going to feel like this forever."

"That's crazy. You're only eighteen. You're early, too. He'll feel it. You might just have to wait and stick it out a while and maybe suffer in silence for a bit."

Another hour passes without a response from John and Alex is starting to think that Martin is right. Suffering in silence is going to be a frequent theme for him now.



John gets a boyfriend in November and things get weird. Alex kind of saw it coming. John was bound to make a few new friends this year, what with all new classes and Alex being gone. And he did - he met some girl named Tay and a kid named Garrett. But then there's Gabe. Gabe who is so 'sweet and nice and caring and funny and cute and hot and sexy' and God, would it have killed John to keep some details to himself?

He gets it though. Really. Because John is seventeen and a senior in high school and he's met a guy who apparently really likes him and wants to take him on dates and things (according to John at least) and Alex cannot blame him for wanting it. It's not as if John knows his soul mate yet. He's probably thinking 'hey this guy might just be it'. He's wrong but he has no idea he's wrong. So as mad as he'd like to be about it, Alex isn't. In the future when they're together and buying a house and buying a puppy and adopting kids, they'll look back on this dark period and laugh about it. Hopefully.

But just because he's not mad about it doesn't mean he's comfortable with it. They still talk. John still calls every few nights to catch up and tell him about his stupid history paper that counts for half his grade and the new guitar Garrett got and how they want to start a band with this other kid Pat who doesn't know what the word 'haircut' means. And Alex tells him about his classes and Martin and how his soul mate is in the army and John pouts over it, telling Alex to be extra nice to Martin because that must suck a lot and he must be so lonely and he can't imagine being apart from his soul mate for so long - if he ever finds one. Overall it's normal. Until John starts talking about his dates with Gabe. That's when Alex tunes him out. And he thinks he has every right to do so.

"He paid for dinner. And then we went back to his house and his parents weren't home, right? And we were watching a movie and then in the middle of it, he paused the movie and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. And I said yes and we're having a destination wedding, okay Alex? We're getting married in the Bahamas. Also, I'm pregnant. With twins."

Alex hums into the phone when he thinks John is done speaking, flipping through the textbook in front of him. "Sounds cool."

"You have got to be fucking kidding."

The anger in John's voice is enough to snap Alex out of it. "Huh?"

"You are not listening to a single word I'm saying!"

"Of course I am!" Alex protests, sitting up straight and ignoring the way Martin is looking at him from across the room. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I just told you I'm engaged and getting married in the Bahamas and that I'm knocked up."

Oh. "I know that," he lies, shrugging his shoulders and sounding very much like he's even trying to convince himself. "If you want to get married to a guy you barely know in a foreign place and have his babies, that's cool. Like I said. Cool."

"I really hate you right now."

And he hangs up. No goodbye, no 'just kidding'. No 'I'll call you later'. Just hangs up. And it leaves Alex completely lost for words, staring at his own cell phone in confusion.

"You okay?" Martin asks, voice low as he sits up straight on his bed.

"I'm fine," Alex tells him, tossing his phone aside, "John's just being a little bitch for some reason."

Martin doesn't look very convinced. In fact, he says as much as he gathers his text book and notebook in his arms and gets up from the bed. "I'm sure he has a good reason. You weren't exactly being the friendliest person on the phone."

It's the first time Alex has ever heard Martin give his opinion on anything, and once he's gone, he realizes he should probably listen to him. He was being an asshole. He should have admitted he wasn't listening. John might not understand why he wasn't listening but at least it would be better than just acting like a jerk about it.

The phone only rings for half a second before John is answering on the other end. His voice is quiet, like he's trying so hard to keep the relief out of it, but Alex knows. He's glad he called back.

"I'm sorry," Alex mumbles first, picking at one of the many loose threads on his sheets. "I was being a dick."

"Yeah, you were," John agrees, letting out a quiet laugh and Alex finds himself smiling. "But I forgave you already so we don't have to talk about it."

It's a relief really, that John doesn't ask for reasons behind Alex being such a dick. He's not even sure what he would have said if he wanted an explanation.

"It's just hard you know? With you gone," John continues, sighing into the phone. Alex figures he's probably in his bed already, covers up over his head as he plays a stupid game on his iPad while keeping his phone next to him on speaker. "There's nobody to talk to about this stuff."

"Well if you want to talk I promise I'll listen this time." And it's a total lie but whatever.

"It's alright," John sighs again, "I'm gonna hang up now. You're distracting me from Temple Run."

Alex is grateful that John's obsession with stupid games overcomes his need to talk about a boyfriend that Alex doesn't even want to acknowledge.



Alex loses his virginity at a party in the sophomore dorms the weekend after the short-lived fight with John. He kind of planned this. Because Jack made a power point about 'why it's lame to be a virgin and a college freshman'. Literally. Animations and everything. And while Alex was partially scarred because of it, he kind of realized Jack is right. If he was normal, and didn't know his soul mate already, he probably would have had sex plenty of times already. And while John is clearly having fun without him, Alex is going to have fun of his own. So that's how he ended up here, in the bed of some Sophomore named Pete who probably does this every single weekend.

"You're not as nervous as I thought you'd be," Pete says, laughing a little as he pulls a condom out of the drawer next to his bed. "You sure you've never done this?"

"I'm fine," Alex mumbles, even though he realizes that's not even what Pete asked.

Pete frowns a little, fingers tightening on Alex's hips. "Sure you are."

He's not as gentle as he was before - before he found out that all his bullshit about 'hey, imagine if we end up being soul mates?' was not working on Alex at all. Not since Alex muttered 'I already have one'. Alex kind of wonders how many people he tries that line on. And then he decides he doesn't care enough to find out.



Alex goes home for Thanksgiving, but he only sees John once, for a few hours the Saturday after. Alex had a lot of family things to deal with and John spent a lot of time with his dad and it just didn’t work out for them that weekend. But now it’s winter break, and Alex has three weeks of free time and he’s not entirely sure how he’s going to handle splitting that time with John with Gabe. He hasn’t met the guy yet, but he already knows he hates him. It’s unfair but Alex isn’t really one to care about fairness anymore.

But right now, it’s just the two of them in Alex’s messy bedroom, ignoring the suitcase that Alex brought home for the break filled with dirty clothes he needs his mom to wash. He’s not very good at the whole ‘doing your own laundry’ thing just yet.

“There’s a hockey game on, probably,” John is saying, lying on his stomach and looking up at the TV, flipping through all the channels to find something to watch. It’s weirdly cold outside – barely fifteen degrees and that’s weird for this time of year – and they’re saying that it’s going to snow later on tonight. Alex hopes it does. He misses the cold weather.

“Since when do you watch hockey?”

John shrugs. “Gabe watches it when I’m over his house a lot. I kinda like it now.”

Gabe is from New York. Gabe likes New York teams. “Maybe we can go to a game while I’m home,” he suggests, “Maybe go to a Capitals game.”

John nods in agreement and he sits up straight, tosses the remote to the side of the bed and assumes the normal position – head in Alex’s lap and eyes fixed on the hockey game he’s found on TV. And Alex didn’t take his meds today. Didn’t take them yesterday, either. The entire flight home from Florida he felt the changes. His heart hurt a little bit at just the thought of John. And now, with him all but laying on top of him, his heart is going crazy, pounding against his ribs because John is right there, and he doesn’t have to miss him at all anymore.



Gabe is awful. He may have just paid for two boxes of pizza and three bottles of soda and has been nothing but nice in welcoming Alex into his home. But he is awful and Alex can’t change his mind about that. Because he keeps touching John and calling him cute pet names and God, Alex would rather be anywhere but here right now. But he told John he would meet Gabe because that’s what best friends do – they meet their best friend’s significant other and pretend to like them and be nice to them because it’s obvious. It’s so obvious how into Gabe John is and it hurts. Because it should be Alex that John is into. And somehow, he’s made all of this out to be Gabe’s fault.

“I kind feel like I already know you,” Gabe laughs, leaning forward but still somehow keeping his arm around John’s shoulders. “John talks about you a lot. He said you go to college in Florida, right?”

“Florida State, yeah,” Alex nods, taking a small sip of soda just to have something else to do other than try and figure out ways to make them stop touching. “It’s a lot warmer down there.”

He’s not sure why he said that. But Gabe laughs and starts saying something about a polar vortex and he’s not even sure what that means.

“But I get what you mean,” Alex lies, figuring he really kind of needs to make up some ground here. Gabe probably thinks he’s an asshole. “John’s told me a lot about you too.”

And Gabe smiles wide and looks over at John as if to make sure Alex is telling the truth. And Alex would love nothing more than to punch him.



It’s the day before he goes back to school for the spring semester that he cracks. He’s at lunch with John – and of course Gabe, because John thinks now that they’ve met, Alex wants to spend all his time with Gabe too – and John announces that he has to go to the bathroom. And this is Alex’s chance. Because the way the conversation was going before has put him so on-edge that he can barely sit still right now.

“Listen,” he says sharply, elbows on the table and eyes focused on Gabe, who has a French fry in one hand halfway to his mouth, “I know the bullshit you were saying about you and John being potential soul mates is just that. Bullshit.”

“I – what? How the hell would you kno-”

“Stop telling him you could be his soul mate. I know you don’t know any better, but I’m here to tell you otherwise. You’re not. Because I am.”

And that has Gabe widening his eyes, dropping the French fry from his hand. “You…you know already?”

“I’ve known for months and I’d appreciate it if you could kindly…back off.”

It’s harsher than he was planning but it does the job alright, he thinks, because Gabe nods and instantly agrees, spluttering out apologies and excuses about how he had no idea and Alex kind of feels a little sense of empowerment. But it’s gone when John comes back to the table, all smiles and tries to sit right up against Gabe and Gabe puts distance between them, looking at Alex through his eyelashes as if making sure that what he’s doing is okay. John looks disappointed, but Alex can’t quite bring himself to care.



He cares when John calls him three days later, when Alex is back in his dorm room, listening to Martin type up something (what, he has no idea because classes haven’t even been going on for longer than a day) and he’s sobbing into the phone because Gabe broke up with him.

"We had sex yesterday," He admits through sniffles, "It was great and...I thought he cared and then today he dumps me."

Alex almost breaks the pen he's writing with, his fingers putting more pressure than it should be able to handle. Gabe fucked John even after Alex told him to back off. He fucked John and left him. And Alex isn't even home to pick up the pieces.

"I just feel so stupid. He had me believing that he could possibly be my soul mate. I'm a moron-"

"You'll be okay," Alex says, and it's not even a lie. "You'll be fine. It's one guy, babe. Don't let him make you feel like that."

"Honestly I wouldn't be shocked if I never find anyone. Just end up alone my whole life. Like my dad."

Alex lets out a shaky breath, rubs his hand through his hair and he feels his heart start beating faster, which is the last thing he needs right now. "Don't say that, please. You know I hate when you talk like that."

John doesn’t apologize, doesn’t say anything. Alex can hear him sniffling, probably trying to compose himself enough to stop crying over some douchebag who stole his virginity and dumped him the next day. He’s probably watching Iron Man or The Avengers and his dad is probably trying to convince him to come out of his room and stop being so miserable.

“You need to go shower,” Alex tells him, “Go shower and get dressed and go do something. Don’t think about him and just...distract yourself. Alright?”

“Yeah...alright.”

He doesn’t sound convinced, but Alex can hear him moving around, shuffling the sheets on his bed and he knows he’s going to listen to him. He knows John - he’ll get over this. He dwells on things for longer than he should and makes himself feel bad about things that aren’t his fault but he’ll be fine. Alex has coached him through plenty of disasters over the past years. He’s good at it by now.



There’s a weekend in February when John’s dad goes to Florida to visit his sister. John tags along, has him drop him off at Alex’s school and Alex finds him sitting in the dorm hallway, right outside the room.

“What are you doing here?” is the only thing he can think to ask because really - John is in Florida. Does his dad know about this? Did he just come and not tell anyone? How did he even get in the building?

“Dad dropped me off. Don’t worry about it. I’m here to spend the whole weekend with you,” John grins, pushing himself up from the floor, “I mean...if that’s okay. Maybe I should have called and made sure you’re free and asked-”

“Don’t be stupid,” Alex stops him, pulling his room key out of his pocket, “This is great.”

John meets Martin, and instantly thinks he’s the greatest and most wonderful person ever. Because Martin reads the same books John does and he takes all the same classes John is going to be taking when he starts college in September. They talk a lot about soul mates - Martin telling him how it’s not too bad being away from Paul and how it gets easier as time goes on and John is amazed, tells him he has no idea how he does it and how awesome it is that he already knows and how he wishes he knew. Martin gives Alex a look every time it’s brought up. Alex knows Martin thinks he should just tell John. But he’s not going to do that to him.

He meets Jack, and after Jack goes to get lunch in the cafeteria, John does admit that the guy is a little bit weird. Alex tells him he takes a bit of getting used to, and kind of wonders what he’s going to think of Sierra when he meets her later.

“So. Any parties?” John asks, hopping up on Alex’s bed, taking in the posters and the pictures he’s tacked up since September. “That Jack kid looks like he’d be an interesting party person.”

“Um. I don’t really know,” Alex admits, “I don’t go to very many. You know that.”

John smiles at him knowingly. “Yeah. I do. So, movies and pizza?”

“I can find out about a party, if that’s what you want. I’m sure Sierra will know of something-”

“Nope. I’m here to spend time with you and catch up. Not drink and puke everywhere because you know that’s what always happens.”

Alex relaxes, relieved that he doesn’t have to pretend and do something he doesn’t normally do. He’s not sure why he even thought John might have wanted to. “Movies and pizza works for me.”

“Oh, but you have to help me do some of my physics homework. It’s due Monday.”

“I was terrible at physics.”

John shrugs, “Yeah. But still better than me.”

So they end up having pizza delivered from a cheap place down the block. It’s not the best pizza ever but it’s good enough. They put on Captain America, because John is love with Chris Evans and they try and attempt to figure out John’s homework. But the movie gets more attention than the textbook and the pizza gets more attention than both combined and by the time they’re both almost falling asleep, nothing has gotten done.

“Guess we could attempt doing this tomorrow,” John says, yawning and stretching his arms over his head. He’s propped up by Alex’s pillows and Alex suddenly realizes he has nowhere for John to sleep other than his bed. He’s not sure why this thought didn’t occur to him before. “Or you can just do it all for me.”

“‘Cause you’re too dumb to figure it out yourself?” Alex teases, elbowing him in the ribs and trying to hop down from his bed so he can get dressed for bed.

But John pulls him back, tugs his arm and pulls him so he’s almost on top of him and he’s staring down at him. John is grinning, fingers pressing hard into his upper arms to keep him in place and all Alex can think about is how different John looks. His eyes are brighter, that’s the first thing he notices. And his smile is bigger. And there’s something just so different about him - and it’s not a dramatic change, because he can’t put his finger on it. But something has changed in John and Alex wishes he could figure it out.

John’s smile diminishes slightly suddenly and Alex starts to panic. He narrows his eyes and Alex’s heart is pounding. “You smell nice,” he says after a few moments, “You smell really good.”

“I...huh?”

“I just...I never noticed it. How nice you smell.”

John looks just as confused about this sudden realization as Alex feels. He’s never thought he smelled any nicer than anyone else - not like he puts on cologne or body spray or anything and just uses some nice smelling soap that’s super cheap - and John noticing it is a little bit strange. But then John’s hands move upwards, arms wrapping around his neck and fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. And Alex figures it out - John looking different, noticing he smells nice. Now that he thinks about it, this is exactly what happened to him almost a year ago. When he realized.

It feels like the weight of the world has dropped off his shoulders and he lets out a breathy laugh, making John narrow his eyes even more and look at him even stranger. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Alex says quickly, shaking his head. “Nothing’s funny. I’m just really glad you’re here.”

John lightens up, eyes brightening up and smile going back to full strength. “Me too. I missed you. A lot.”

And they fall asleep together, with John pressed up against him, legs tangled with his own and there’s nothing weird about it at all. The memory of thinking that John would never realize Alex was his is laughable now. Because it could be any day now that he actually does.



One year, six months

It happens in a weird way. Alex is home for the summer, finished with his second year of college and he got a job at the library, which is totally lame but it’s money and he doesn’t have to be in the sun all day. He says that because John is a lifeguard at the town pool. He sits in the lifeguard chair and spends most of his time tanning, because nobody likes the town pool and nobody goes. Most days he comes wandering through the parking lot, where Alex is waiting to pick him up, towel thrown over his shoulder, sunglasses covering his eyes, and cheeks and nose tinged red with sunburn. Alex makes fun of him, but he doesn’t mean it. Because he still looks adorable.

He’s kind of accepted the whole ‘currently-unrequited-love-interest’ thing. Well, maybe accepted isn’t the right word. Gotten used to it, maybe. He knows it’s coming. He can feel it. He can see it in the way John looks at him. He feels it in the way John touches him for no reason. Hears it in the way John says his name and laughs a little longer than he used to at his stupid, stupid jokes. If John could wake up and hop on board, that would be great. But Alex can be patient. He’s only twenty years old. He’s got a whole life ahead of him to spend with John.

It’s a Sunday in July when it actually really does happen. The real deal. Alex is sitting in his car in the almost empty pool parking lot. His AC is on full blast to save him from the mid-ninety degree heat outside. If he had known that it was going to happen today, maybe he would have showered and used that Old Spice deodorant his mom bought him the other day. He probably would have made sure his hair didn’t look like a disaster. But as it is, he has no idea. No idea that everything is going to change soon.

He doesn’t pay much attention to John’s figure walking through the pool gates. He ups the volume of the song he’s listening to, unlocks the car doors so he can get in. But after a few seconds, he notices that John is walking a little bit faster, looking a lot more disheveled than he normally does. He doesn’t have his towel with him, and his sunglasses are nowhere in sight either. But he keeps walking towards Alex’s car, cell phone in hand, and by the time he actually gets there, Alex realizes there is something definitely wrong.

John walks straight to the driver’s side window, slams his phone down on the roof of the car and leans as close to the window as he can get. Alex can see the freckles on his nose, could probably count them if he wanted to. But he just rolls the window down and asks, “What’s your prob-”

“Get out of the car,” John demands, not even letting him finish the question. He steps back, lets Alex open his door and the second he’s standing on the pavement, John has him pinned. “How long have you known?”

Alex blinks. It’s hot out here. His car is hot. He’s pressed up against it. It’s a little uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as John glaring down at him for some reason completely unknown to him. “Known what? What are you talking about?”

John lets out the breath he’d been holding, closes his eyes and Alex assumes he counts to ten in his head, because that’s how long it takes before he opens them again. And this time he looks a lot less pissed off. “How long have you known,” he mumbles, bringing both hands up to cup Alex’s face. His thumbs rub circles behind his ears and okay. This is new. “How long have you known that you’re mine?”

Alex is positive he heard that all wrong. “Huh?” is the only sound he can make. He brings his hands up to cover John’s. This is too much for him to take in in this heat. He might pass out. He’s almost certain of it.

“There I was, just sitting in the lifeguard chair when suddenly, it just hits me. No, it doesn’t just hit me. It hits me like a train going a hundred miles an hour and I swear, I couldn’t breathe for a good thirty seconds. Because I’m sitting in a lifeguard chair, watching over the lives of helpless children and I’m realizing, Alex Gaskarth is all mine. Mine. Like, forever. And has been mine for God knows how long because I know that you have known for a long time.”

“Two years give or take,” Alex says before his brain can even register this. “Two years of torture.”

John seems to take this information a lot harder than he was expecting to. He blinks a few times, still pressing his thumbs into Alex’s skin and Alex feels like if he weren’t doing that, if he weren’t holding onto him somehow, he’d be on the floor. Because this is too much to take in. Too much to take in in the parking lot of a shitty pool.

“Two years? Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t you say anything?”

Alex swallows. “Why? Why would I tell you?”

“Because if you’d have told me then at least maybe we could have been together-”

“If I told you, I would have ruined it for you. I wanted you to feel it. I wanted you to feel like you couldn’t breathe, just like I did. I wanted this. Because if I had told you, we wouldn’t be here right now. You would have had to just take my word for it and I know you trust me but something might have happened. I don’t regret not telling you, okay?”

John looks like he wants to tell him it’s not okay. Like he wants to protest everything he just said. But instead he smiles, and it doesn’t seem forced at all. “Okay. Okay fine. I probably would have done the same thing. But dude. All those nights I spent crying because I thought I’d never feel it?” He presses his nose against Alex and it doesn’t even matter that they’re standing in the middle of a parking lot in the middle of the day. “Tough love, man.”

“But you feel it,” Alex points out, reaching up and wrapping his arms around John’s neck. He’s still pressed up against the car and his back is starting to sweat but he doesn’t care. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

John kisses him first and Alex closes his eyes the second their lips meet. He’s twenty years old, standing in a parking lot with the hot metal of a car pressed up against him, kissing John like he’d always wanted to do before he even turned eighteen. He’s twenty and he has John all to himself now. And they have more years to spend together than most people ever will.