Under Your Spell

Under Your Spell
The Past~

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Kellin's POV

There, I said it. I finally said it. I was suppose to be happy... I was suppose to feel free. Free from the weight that has been on my shoulders for what seemed like years.

But I'm not.

I felt even more miserable than I was before. Right now, it felt as if the weight has only gotten heavier, which I never imagined would happen. But, it's obviously my fault. I was the one who confessed that I loved Vic in a wrong time, even if I felt that it was the right time. I couldn't keep it in anymore. I was the one that made Vic even angrier than he was before with my stupid comforting techniques. I was the reason why he hit me. But I can't protest anything against it; I deserved it.

He tried to comfort me afterwards, saying he was sorry, those soft chocolate brown eyes were back... but I pushed him away. I don't know why, it's just a reflex. Every time someone would hit me and try to approach me afterwards, I would push them away. I was scared of getting hurt again. One hit was enough, I don't need another. Hell, I'll do anything the person would want me to do. Just please, no more hitting...

I reacted like this because of my past, because of my dad. My idiotic, selfish, drunken dad. It was not only when he was drunk that he abused me. It was also when he was sober.
But it was my fault. It was all because of me. My dad abused me, because I deserved it. He told me that I was pathetic. A pathetic son that didn't deserve to live.

I believed him.

At home, my mom didn't comfort me, she didn't help me... she didn't eat, she didn't drink, she didn't sleep, she didn't have a job, she didn't even talk to me.
But the reason was simple, she was dead.

For the following years, my father has started consuming alcohol. It was his only source of comfort. Mine was taking every beating my dad gave me. He kept screaming at me. Telling me it was my fault my mother died.

Once again, I believed him.

My mom died from a car accident. I was nine years old, sitting on the couch in the living room with my dad and watching a comedy movie. A smile was plastered on both our faces as we couldn't stop laughing at one particuliar scene in the film. I suddenly thought about my mom, where was she? It was getting late, she should be home by now. Being the curious little boy I was, I got up, went to the kitchen and called her.

"Hello?" A feminine voice came from the speakers.

"Hi mommy!" I replied, smile immediately forming on my lips. I heard slight laughter. There was loud sounds in the background so I couldn't hear her very well. I guessed that it was because she was driving. "When are you coming home? You're late!" I pouted.

She laughed again, "I'm on my way home now, sweetie! I'll be there in 10 minutes."

"Okay!" I had said grinning, "I love you!"

....

But I never heard her response. All I heard was a screech, followed by loud sounds.

The next morning, my dad got a phone call... saying she was dead. Since then, my dad just started ignoring me. When I needed help with my homework, he wouldn't help me. When I wanted to watch a movie with him, he would ignore me and resumed whatever he was doing. When I wanted to eat oven pizza like I use to eat every Friday, he would tell me to make it myself. I did, once... but I ended up burning my arm when I was trying to put the frozen pizza in the stove. I came up to him, crying and showing him the burn. I expected him to help me, but all he did was shrug and tell me it would go away. When I wanted to have a goodnight kiss before going to bed like him and my mother use to do every single night, he would only walk away, shutting the door and making the darkness swallow me.

For the first few weeks, my dad would just look so miserable. He would barely even move. He would just lay motionless on the king sized bed. Until one night...

That night, I was laying down on my bed, studying for a boring math test I had tomorrow. Suddenly, my door burst open, and my dad stood on the other side of it. I smiled at him, but it immediately disappeared a split second later.

"This was all your fault. This was all yooour fucking fault. You were the reason why she died." He had said. My eyes widened, catching on that he was drunk. Very drunk. His words were slurred, and his movements were unsteady as he slowly made his way towards me, beer in hand.

"It was all because of you!" He screamed at me, breaking the empty beer bottle against my bedroom wall. I had jumped, a surprised squeal coming out of my mouth. I was terrified as he grabbed the collar of my shirt and threw me to the ground. I flinched and tried getting up, but I never did. He had started kicking me repeatedly on my stomach, making me cry out every time. After a while, which seemed like years to me, he left. He just left, leaving me on the floor with nothing else to do but cry my heart out. This was the first time my dad had touched me like that. I never thought he would do anything as sadistic as this. How could he? I was his son for heaven's sake.

As I thought about what he yelled at me, I realised he was right. My mother died all because of me. I was the one that distracted her from the road with my stupid phone call. How idiotic can I get?

Because of my dad, I changed. I looked as vulnerable as ever. I was always the outgoing kid in my class with a lot of friends, but then I became timid. I became shy. I turned invincible to everyone. No one would notice me as much as they did before. The reason was simple, I just stopped talking. I would only speak when the teacher calls on me to answer a question in class, which I learned to hate. Once, the teacher had asked me if anything was wrong when we were alone in the classroom. I faked a perfect toothy smile and reassured her I was completely fine, just a little tired.
But I wasn't okay.

I was paranoid. As more years passed, I became the outcast of my school. The only thing that was in my mind when I was at school was the fear of getting beat up when I came home. I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't want anyone to hit me. I was sick of it. Of course there were some 'bullies' here and there. But even they didn't notice me.

On my first week of High School, I met Jesse. He had sat down with me at lunch time. I was, of course, eating alone on the table in the far corner of the cafeteria. I was really shy, and usually after a week people would get tired of me and just go away. But not him, he didn't go anywhere. He stayed by my side and after a month, we were hanging out everyday and laughing like maniacs at our stupid attempts of doing random nonsense. I was less timid than before, that's for sure. We were always a team for school projects and we always did them at Jesse's place. I wouldn't want him to see my dad.

Jesse's parents were really nice, I loved them. They always invited me to eat with them, which I couldn't stand myself to say no. I mean, they had the most amazing food I've ever eaten in years! Of course I was still scared of going back home, not knowing if I'll get beat up or my dad would just be passed out on the couch with a beer in hand. But at least I knew the next day when I'll go to school, I won't be alone. I'll still have Jesse, no matter what.

But after a year, on our second year of High School, Jesse got suspicious of me. When he discovered my strange reaction towards getting hit, even playfully hit, he had asked me about it. I kept my mouth shut, there was no way I was telling him. Jesse asked me about it every day, and one day I just said everything I kept in a bottle all these years. That my dad has been abusing me for the past five years because he accused me of being the cause of death of my mother.

He was my father, he was obviously smarter than me, right? He was always right... Until Jesse proved him wrong. He started telling me all the positive things about me, instead of the negatives. It took me a while, months actually, to start believing them. It was hard, because every time I would come home after school, all I heard were negative insults directed towards me.

Jesse was furious at my father. Almost immediately, he had made me move in with him and his parents after explaining them the situation. It was a day where we've skipped school after lunch to go to my house and pack all of my belongings before my dad came back from work. The first night at his place, he had bandaged all of my wounds on my stomach. Afterwards, we've had a movie night where we were just making fun of badly made graphics.

For the first time ever, I was truly happy with my life. Jesse was the one who made me feel like I was needed in this world. When I was with my dad, I had a lot of 'bad thoughts'. But not anymore. Since that day, I never heard of my father. He probably didn't even care anyways, if I left or not. Jesse's parents cared, though. They've considered me as their own child.

And for the first time, I learned how to cook a frozen pizza in the stove without getting burned.

At my stay at Jesse's place, we fell in love with composing songs. Jesse already knew how to play guitar, and day by day I was getting more confident with my singing. I wasn't really fond of it at first, because I found my voice too high pitched and girly. But once again, Jesse said otherwise, he told me that my voice was a gift. That it was special. That no other guys can sing as girly as me, with was a good thing.

A few months later, we met Justin, Gabe and Jack. It was... a quite 'special meeting'. It was one of those rare days where I didn't give a shit about what I was doing and what others thought of me.
It was in music class. We had a substitute teacher that day, so we had a free period to do whatever we wanted. Jesse grabbed an acoustic guitar, and we went in the corner of the class... and started doing complete nonsense. I started singing a parody of the classic love song 'Happy Together' by 'The Turtles'. Chorus, and then a verse.

I can't stand you,
Son of a bitch I hate you
You took my food!
You are so mean
With your big giant eyeballs
They're so creepy!

I love potatoes and,
You love them too.
I think about them all the time,
And you do too.
But sadly you always steal them
From me at lunch,
So kindly just fuck off!

I stopped singing when I heard loud laughter not so far from us. Looking up, I saw three guys joining us on the floor.

"You guys seem chill! Mind if we hang out with you?" One of them said, grinning widely at us. I bit my lip. This was the first time another student has ever spoke to me in a long time. I glanced at Jesse, seeing him do a thumbs up in my direction and made a look that literally screamed 'hey Kels! This is the perfect time to make new friends! Go for it!' I smiled slightly at that, turning my attention back to the three boys.

"Sure," I told them while nodding my head.

At the end of the class, we found out their name's were Gabe, Justin and Jack. Jack knew how to play guitar, Gabe was known to be a pro at drums, and Justin just started playing bass but he was getting the hang of it really quickly. With my singing and Jesse's guitar skills, we were the perfect band!

All of us had a dream of becoming a famous band. So, we followed our dream. And we made it. We were now known as a post-hardcore band called 'Sleeping With Sirens'.

There was a lot of good times, like the first time I met Victor Vincent Fuentes... lead vocalist of 'Pierce The Veil'. I was immediately attracted to him. Especially his body. I mean, have you seen his arms? His arms were one of the most amazing things ever. I loved them so much. Once, when we first became friends, he invited me to have a movie night on his tour bus. I obviously agreed, and we watched tons of movies. Mike, Tony and Jaime were in the Sleeping With Sirens tour bus, probably playing video games non-stop.

The next thing I knew, it was close to midnight and Vic had fallen asleep on the couch. I remember when I had stared at him for around fifteen minutes with a small blush on my face. I gulped, rubbing my slightly sweaty hands on my jeans. Should I do it or not? I wanted to ask him a long time ago, but I never really had the courage, he'll think I'm weird and never talk to me again. I sighed and scooched a little closer to him. Well, here goes nothing. He was asleep anyways, he wouldn't even know it.

I slowly reached my shaking arm at him, and.... and...

And touched his arm muscles.

Oh. my. god. They were even more amazing to feel than to see.

The next morning, when I had woken up beside him, we ate breakfast together. Things were going great. Day by day, my feelings were getting stronger towards him. I loved him. We always hung out after each others sets and when we had a free day. That always reminded me of High School, when me and Jesse were practically attached together and nothing can seperate us.

The only difference with me and Vic's friendship, is that I didn't love him as a friend. I loved him romantically. The other difference was that something did seperate us... Not exactly something, but someone. A certain girlfriend to be precise. Ashely was her name. Since the day Vic announced his new girlfriend, he started ignoring me... just like my father did.

We still talked, but it was just too awkward for me. I didn't like seeing him with someone else. I didn't like seeing the fact that he looked happier with her than when he was with me. I was jealous, of course there's no protesting in that fact. But that's only because I cared about him.

And that's where I am today, I discovered that Ashley cheated on him, that Vic knew I loved him and that my heart turned to dust. I was exhausted and had a small headache from the previous events. I couldn't stop the tears that were trailing down my face like a river.

After I had run out of the PTV bus, I had immediately went to my own bus, slamming the door shut and falling face first on the loveseat. I didn't bother moving, I buried my face in the pillow, my sobs were the only sound I heard. It wasn't until I heard the door open and shut softly that I started crying even harder. I didn't want anyone to talk to me right now. I just wanted to disappear into thin air so everyone can finally be happy.

Slow moving footsteps made their way towards me, and I felt warm air hitting my arm every time the person breathed.

"Kellin..." The person said. The voice sounded like music to my ears, and I knew exactly who it was. My eyes snapped open in the pillow. My breathing got heavier.

"I...I..." It hesitated, signing afterwards.

"I love you too."