Status: You are all beautiful. Thank you for the comments.
You
17th May 2002
I didn’t want to beg you to keep it. I will never know what it’s like to have something grow inside of you, leeching off of you, relying on you even before you’d held it in your arms. It is because of this that I didn’t say push, didn’t persist or try to persuade you. I would have been there every step of the way and every step forever after though.
And I keep saying this because it’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life so far but I loved you. I would have loved both of you. At night I’d look at you asleep next to me and find my breath became short, my pulse quicken in response to the thought of anything bad happening to you. Some nights I laid awake fear constricting my lungs as I ran through a hundred what if scenarios. In each one I ended up devastated and alone. Perhaps my feelings frightened you. Maybe I want to blame you for not loving me back but I must accept that you cannot always love each other equally. You were the adored and I was the adoring.
“We’re too young.” And you were right we were but I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than a life with you, growing up, growing old, and watching our child grow up.
I wanted to beg on my knees for you to keep it but I couldn’t because it was your life too and no one should pressure someone into life changing decisions. I wouldn’t allow myself to guilt you into a decision like that. But God I wanted it soo badly.
And I keep saying this because it’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life so far but I loved you. I would have loved both of you. At night I’d look at you asleep next to me and find my breath became short, my pulse quicken in response to the thought of anything bad happening to you. Some nights I laid awake fear constricting my lungs as I ran through a hundred what if scenarios. In each one I ended up devastated and alone. Perhaps my feelings frightened you. Maybe I want to blame you for not loving me back but I must accept that you cannot always love each other equally. You were the adored and I was the adoring.
“We’re too young.” And you were right we were but I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than a life with you, growing up, growing old, and watching our child grow up.
I wanted to beg on my knees for you to keep it but I couldn’t because it was your life too and no one should pressure someone into life changing decisions. I wouldn’t allow myself to guilt you into a decision like that. But God I wanted it soo badly.