You Had Me at "I Hate You"
08
I locked the front door of the apartment behind me, kicked off my shoes, and headed towards my room. It had been a long day at work, and I was ready to crash.
I headed towards my room... But before I got there, I heard a racket...
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" I heard a voice crying from my room.
I shuffled my socked feet closer, pressing an ear to my door.
"Take them off, dipshit! They're too small," another voice ordered.
"No!" The first voice protested. "I can fit into them! I know I can!"
My heart caught in my throat. Who in the world could possibly be in my room? Robbers? Murderers? Rapists?
I heard something crash over. Well, whoever they were, they were messing up my room. Taking a deep breath, I burst through the door.
Two male figures were standing amidst piles of clothes on the floor, and an overturned lamp.
"AHHHHHH- MPH!" My scream was cut short when a hand was pressed over my mouth. It took me a while to calm down and get my bearings. I was still breathing heavily from shock when I was able to say,
"Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me!"
Linc grinned and took his hand off my lips. Another boy who I didn't recognize was hunched over and grimacing in pain, but he mustered a feeble wave.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm Gavin King... Jesse's brother," he squeaked out. He was doubled over in pain.
"You didn't hurt yourself... did you?" I asked, full of concern.
Gavin shook his head. "No. It's these pants!"
He straightened up slightly, and I could see what he was wearing.
"GAVIN!" I cried. "Are those my jeans?"
Gavin nodded and grunted, "Yeah, and they're too tight!"
Lincoln laughed.
"Shut up, Linc!" Gavin shot at him. "They're squeezing like a python! I think my balls have gone numb!"
Lincoln cracked up.
"Shut up, Linc! I won't be able to have kids!"
Lincoln was hysterical. He dropped to the floor and was rolling around, clutching his stomach.
Gavin sucked in his stomach in order to get the button undone, unzipped the pants, and immediately started wiggling his hips to snake his way out of my black skinny jeans.
"Hey!" I cried. "Go in the bathroom or something! You can't strip in my room!"
The pants were stuck on his thighs, and he couldn't get them off. He was grunting and struggling to be freed from them.
"My thighs... I can't..." he was saying in a strained voice.
Linc sighed, walked over to Jesse's brother, and pushed him over on to my bed. Gavin's eyes flew wide open in surprise. He was now laying on his back, still in considerable pain, on my bed with Linc standing over him.
"What the hell are you two doing?" I screeched. "Linc, are you going to rape him?"
"Relax," Lincoln instructed. He grabbed the bottom of the pants that were stuck on Gavin, and yanked.
"OW!" Gavin yelled, and the pants came off.
"Yes!" Linc punched the air in triumph.
Gavin was panting, clutching the crotch of his boxer briefs. "That hurt so much!"
"Well, it's your own fault, Gav, you dumb shit," Linc was saying. "You're obviously too tall for Violet's clothes."
He began examining the pants himself. "You're way too tall. Unlike me..."
I knew what was going to happen before it happened.
"No! Linc, don't!"
But it was too late. Lincoln Fletcher dropped his pants.
"Calm down, Dollface! I only want to try these on!"
"Okay! There are way too many guys without pants in my room right now!" I cried.
All of a sudden, Jesse entered the apartment.
"Hey, I'm home!" he called. "Gavin? Are you here yet?"
He opened the door to my room.
"Hey, guys! What are you doing in here..." he trailed off. "Uhh..."
He spotted Linc and Gavin, both in their underwear. If that wasn't weird enough, Gavin was still on the bed, groaning in pain, and clutching his crotch.
"Uh, have you guys been having fun?" Jesse asked slyly.
"No!" shouted Gavin.
Linc was examining himself in the new pants. "Hot damn! I love these pants!"
"Lincoln Ferguson Fletcher!" I scolded. "Take off my pants this instant!"
Gavin snorted in laughter. "Your middle name is Ferguson?"
Linc scowled. "Shut up, Gavin Vaughn King!"
"Take off my pants!"
"What was wrong with you guys' mom, huh?" Lincoln wanted to know.
"What's wrong with our mom?" Jesse accused.
"Yeah!" Linc said, admiring his ass in my full-length mirror. "At least my mother didn't give me a middle name like Clifford!"
"Pants! Off! Now!"
"Hey, Clifford happens to be an great middle name!" shouted Jesse.
"Yeah! And what's wrong with Vaughn?" added Gavin, who seemed to be recovering. "I think it suits me!"
"Gavin Vaughn! Ha, what a pansy name!" Linc snickered.
"Shove it, Ferguson! Don't pick on my brother... And quit checking out your ass!" Jesse shouted.
"Stop defending me, Clifford! I can fight my own battles, you know! You don't have to-" Gavin began, but I interrupted him.
"Just take off the damn pants!"
"Fight your own battles? Please! I could take you in a second!" Linc challenged.
"You wanna bet, Ferguson?"
"Yeah, Vaughn! I do!"
Gavin, who had apparently gotten the feeling back in his balls, leapt up from the bed and tackled Linc. They began rolling around on the floor, and making a huge racket.
"Guys! Guys! GUYS!" I shouted.
Everyone froze.
Gavin was pulling Linc's hair, and Linc, who had the neck of Gavin's shirt scrunched up in one hand, had his fist drawn back, ready to punch.
"Thank you!" I sighed. "All your middle names are gorgeous. It's true because I said so. Now, Linc, will you please take my pants off? And... uh, Gav? Will you please put some pants on?"
Suddenly, Gavin remembered that he was in his underwear. He scrambled away from Linc and began looking for his pants.
"Dollface, I really don't wanna take off these pants."
"Take them off, Lincoln."
"But... But..."
"Now, Lincoln."
"But they're like... The Pants from God!"
"I don't care!"
"They fit me so well! I look so good in them!" he protested.
"Off!"
"I'll trade you for them!"
I sighed.
"Violet! I can't find my pants!" Gavin called, while searching under the bed.
I sighed again.
"Oh, no problem, Gav," Jesse told him. "We're about the same height. You can wear mine."
He unzipped his jeans, exposing plaid boxers.
"NO!" I shouted again. "Seriously! Why does everyone feel the need to take their pants off today?"
Jesse guiltily pulled up his pants.
"Will someone please help me find my jeans?!" Gavin shouted.
Jesse began searching under the bed.
"Can I keep them... Pweas?" Linc pleaded, widening his eyes and talking like a baby. "I'll give you a pair of my pants!"
"Linc, I don't want your pants."
"I'll give you... uh... a kiss?"
"Thanks, but no thanks, Linc. I just want my pants back."
"Gavin will give you a kiss!"
"I'll make out with her if she finds my damn jeans!"
"Found 'em!" I said, bending down to pick the wrinkled pants up off the floor.
Gavin rushed over, put his pants on, and smiled at me. He opened his arms.
I realized what I'd done.
"No- Gavin-"
"Come here, you!"
"Gavin!"
"I'm gonna give you a biiiig kiss..."
"Gavin!" I shrieked, and ducked under his outstretched arms, laughing.
"Aw, don't be like that, Violet!" he teased. "I've got to give you what I promised!"
"Gav, quit being annoying," Lincoln spat.
"I don't know, Linc," he answered. "I think she needs some lovin'..."
He charged at me again, and I yelped in laughter, dodging him once more.
"Gavin! Cut it out!" Lincoln yelled, this time a little more forcefully.
I faked, right, then went left, but Gavin predicted it. He caught me and enveloped me in a giant bear hug. He was so big, that he was able to lift me up, bridal style.
"Smoochin' time!"
I began giggling and squirming.
"GAVIN!" Linc bellowed. "Goddamn it! Put her down!"
Gavin looked surprised.
He gently set me down.
"I'm sorry, madam. We'll have to resume this another time," he teased. Linc sighed in frustration.
I broke the awkward silence that followed his outburst with,
"Don't be an ass, Linc. And put your own pants back on!"
He crossed his arms over his chest, and shook his head defiantly.
"What is this shit?"
"It's called a mud mask, Gavin."
"Gross! Like... dirt?"
"No! It's not dirt! It exfoliates!"
"Hey, who's this?"
Jesse held up a framed picture of me and my friend from New York at the beach.
"Her name's Massia," I replied.
"She's hot!"
Gavin laughed.
"Woah! Does she have a lip ring?" Jesse cried, further examining the picture.
"Yes," I replied, slapping Gavin's hand away from a turquoise bra that was thrown across my dresser.
"That is so... sexy!"
I sighed.
The boys had spread about my room, examining various things.
"What the hell is this thing?"
"It's an eyelash curler, Linc. Put it back."
"It looks like a torture device."
"Well, it's not- Hey! Gavin, don't touch that!"
Gavin replaced my polaroid camera back on the shelf.
"Here, I'll trade you these for your pants," Linc offered, and placed a pair of extremely beaten up converse in my hands.
"Linc, these are already mine."
"I know. But if you let me have your pants, I won't steal them."
"No!"
"Dude, you read Harry Potter? Awesome!"
"Gav, please don't touch-"
"Wasn't it so sad, at the end of the seventh one, when we find out that Harry's eyes-"
"LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!" Jesse shouted with his hands on his ears. "DON'T GIVE IT AWAY, GAV! I HAVEN'T READ IT YET!"
"EVERYBODY... CEASE TO SPEAK!" I screamed.
They were silent, frozen in shock.
"Lincoln Fletcher, get my pants off this instant!"
Obediently, he wriggled out my my black skinnies.
"Everybody out!" I screamed again.
"But this is my room, too!" Linc protested.
"OUT!"
They scrambled over themselves to exit the room.
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair in frustration.
Boys!
I headed towards my room... But before I got there, I heard a racket...
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" I heard a voice crying from my room.
I shuffled my socked feet closer, pressing an ear to my door.
"Take them off, dipshit! They're too small," another voice ordered.
"No!" The first voice protested. "I can fit into them! I know I can!"
My heart caught in my throat. Who in the world could possibly be in my room? Robbers? Murderers? Rapists?
I heard something crash over. Well, whoever they were, they were messing up my room. Taking a deep breath, I burst through the door.
Two male figures were standing amidst piles of clothes on the floor, and an overturned lamp.
"AHHHHHH- MPH!" My scream was cut short when a hand was pressed over my mouth. It took me a while to calm down and get my bearings. I was still breathing heavily from shock when I was able to say,
"Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me!"
Linc grinned and took his hand off my lips. Another boy who I didn't recognize was hunched over and grimacing in pain, but he mustered a feeble wave.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm Gavin King... Jesse's brother," he squeaked out. He was doubled over in pain.
"You didn't hurt yourself... did you?" I asked, full of concern.
Gavin shook his head. "No. It's these pants!"
He straightened up slightly, and I could see what he was wearing.
"GAVIN!" I cried. "Are those my jeans?"
Gavin nodded and grunted, "Yeah, and they're too tight!"
Lincoln laughed.
"Shut up, Linc!" Gavin shot at him. "They're squeezing like a python! I think my balls have gone numb!"
Lincoln cracked up.
"Shut up, Linc! I won't be able to have kids!"
Lincoln was hysterical. He dropped to the floor and was rolling around, clutching his stomach.
Gavin sucked in his stomach in order to get the button undone, unzipped the pants, and immediately started wiggling his hips to snake his way out of my black skinny jeans.
"Hey!" I cried. "Go in the bathroom or something! You can't strip in my room!"
The pants were stuck on his thighs, and he couldn't get them off. He was grunting and struggling to be freed from them.
"My thighs... I can't..." he was saying in a strained voice.
Linc sighed, walked over to Jesse's brother, and pushed him over on to my bed. Gavin's eyes flew wide open in surprise. He was now laying on his back, still in considerable pain, on my bed with Linc standing over him.
"What the hell are you two doing?" I screeched. "Linc, are you going to rape him?"
"Relax," Lincoln instructed. He grabbed the bottom of the pants that were stuck on Gavin, and yanked.
"OW!" Gavin yelled, and the pants came off.
"Yes!" Linc punched the air in triumph.
Gavin was panting, clutching the crotch of his boxer briefs. "That hurt so much!"
"Well, it's your own fault, Gav, you dumb shit," Linc was saying. "You're obviously too tall for Violet's clothes."
He began examining the pants himself. "You're way too tall. Unlike me..."
I knew what was going to happen before it happened.
"No! Linc, don't!"
But it was too late. Lincoln Fletcher dropped his pants.
"Calm down, Dollface! I only want to try these on!"
"Okay! There are way too many guys without pants in my room right now!" I cried.
All of a sudden, Jesse entered the apartment.
"Hey, I'm home!" he called. "Gavin? Are you here yet?"
He opened the door to my room.
"Hey, guys! What are you doing in here..." he trailed off. "Uhh..."
He spotted Linc and Gavin, both in their underwear. If that wasn't weird enough, Gavin was still on the bed, groaning in pain, and clutching his crotch.
"Uh, have you guys been having fun?" Jesse asked slyly.
"No!" shouted Gavin.
Linc was examining himself in the new pants. "Hot damn! I love these pants!"
"Lincoln Ferguson Fletcher!" I scolded. "Take off my pants this instant!"
Gavin snorted in laughter. "Your middle name is Ferguson?"
Linc scowled. "Shut up, Gavin Vaughn King!"
"Take off my pants!"
"What was wrong with you guys' mom, huh?" Lincoln wanted to know.
"What's wrong with our mom?" Jesse accused.
"Yeah!" Linc said, admiring his ass in my full-length mirror. "At least my mother didn't give me a middle name like Clifford!"
"Pants! Off! Now!"
"Hey, Clifford happens to be an great middle name!" shouted Jesse.
"Yeah! And what's wrong with Vaughn?" added Gavin, who seemed to be recovering. "I think it suits me!"
"Gavin Vaughn! Ha, what a pansy name!" Linc snickered.
"Shove it, Ferguson! Don't pick on my brother... And quit checking out your ass!" Jesse shouted.
"Stop defending me, Clifford! I can fight my own battles, you know! You don't have to-" Gavin began, but I interrupted him.
"Just take off the damn pants!"
"Fight your own battles? Please! I could take you in a second!" Linc challenged.
"You wanna bet, Ferguson?"
"Yeah, Vaughn! I do!"
Gavin, who had apparently gotten the feeling back in his balls, leapt up from the bed and tackled Linc. They began rolling around on the floor, and making a huge racket.
"Guys! Guys! GUYS!" I shouted.
Everyone froze.
Gavin was pulling Linc's hair, and Linc, who had the neck of Gavin's shirt scrunched up in one hand, had his fist drawn back, ready to punch.
"Thank you!" I sighed. "All your middle names are gorgeous. It's true because I said so. Now, Linc, will you please take my pants off? And... uh, Gav? Will you please put some pants on?"
Suddenly, Gavin remembered that he was in his underwear. He scrambled away from Linc and began looking for his pants.
"Dollface, I really don't wanna take off these pants."
"Take them off, Lincoln."
"But... But..."
"Now, Lincoln."
"But they're like... The Pants from God!"
"I don't care!"
"They fit me so well! I look so good in them!" he protested.
"Off!"
"I'll trade you for them!"
I sighed.
"Violet! I can't find my pants!" Gavin called, while searching under the bed.
I sighed again.
"Oh, no problem, Gav," Jesse told him. "We're about the same height. You can wear mine."
He unzipped his jeans, exposing plaid boxers.
"NO!" I shouted again. "Seriously! Why does everyone feel the need to take their pants off today?"
Jesse guiltily pulled up his pants.
"Will someone please help me find my jeans?!" Gavin shouted.
Jesse began searching under the bed.
"Can I keep them... Pweas?" Linc pleaded, widening his eyes and talking like a baby. "I'll give you a pair of my pants!"
"Linc, I don't want your pants."
"I'll give you... uh... a kiss?"
"Thanks, but no thanks, Linc. I just want my pants back."
"Gavin will give you a kiss!"
"I'll make out with her if she finds my damn jeans!"
"Found 'em!" I said, bending down to pick the wrinkled pants up off the floor.
Gavin rushed over, put his pants on, and smiled at me. He opened his arms.
I realized what I'd done.
"No- Gavin-"
"Come here, you!"
"Gavin!"
"I'm gonna give you a biiiig kiss..."
"Gavin!" I shrieked, and ducked under his outstretched arms, laughing.
"Aw, don't be like that, Violet!" he teased. "I've got to give you what I promised!"
"Gav, quit being annoying," Lincoln spat.
"I don't know, Linc," he answered. "I think she needs some lovin'..."
He charged at me again, and I yelped in laughter, dodging him once more.
"Gavin! Cut it out!" Lincoln yelled, this time a little more forcefully.
I faked, right, then went left, but Gavin predicted it. He caught me and enveloped me in a giant bear hug. He was so big, that he was able to lift me up, bridal style.
"Smoochin' time!"
I began giggling and squirming.
"GAVIN!" Linc bellowed. "Goddamn it! Put her down!"
Gavin looked surprised.
He gently set me down.
"I'm sorry, madam. We'll have to resume this another time," he teased. Linc sighed in frustration.
I broke the awkward silence that followed his outburst with,
"Don't be an ass, Linc. And put your own pants back on!"
He crossed his arms over his chest, and shook his head defiantly.
"What is this shit?"
"It's called a mud mask, Gavin."
"Gross! Like... dirt?"
"No! It's not dirt! It exfoliates!"
"Hey, who's this?"
Jesse held up a framed picture of me and my friend from New York at the beach.
"Her name's Massia," I replied.
"She's hot!"
Gavin laughed.
"Woah! Does she have a lip ring?" Jesse cried, further examining the picture.
"Yes," I replied, slapping Gavin's hand away from a turquoise bra that was thrown across my dresser.
"That is so... sexy!"
I sighed.
The boys had spread about my room, examining various things.
"What the hell is this thing?"
"It's an eyelash curler, Linc. Put it back."
"It looks like a torture device."
"Well, it's not- Hey! Gavin, don't touch that!"
Gavin replaced my polaroid camera back on the shelf.
"Here, I'll trade you these for your pants," Linc offered, and placed a pair of extremely beaten up converse in my hands.
"Linc, these are already mine."
"I know. But if you let me have your pants, I won't steal them."
"No!"
"Dude, you read Harry Potter? Awesome!"
"Gav, please don't touch-"
"Wasn't it so sad, at the end of the seventh one, when we find out that Harry's eyes-"
"LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!" Jesse shouted with his hands on his ears. "DON'T GIVE IT AWAY, GAV! I HAVEN'T READ IT YET!"
"EVERYBODY... CEASE TO SPEAK!" I screamed.
They were silent, frozen in shock.
"Lincoln Fletcher, get my pants off this instant!"
Obediently, he wriggled out my my black skinnies.
"Everybody out!" I screamed again.
"But this is my room, too!" Linc protested.
"OUT!"
They scrambled over themselves to exit the room.
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair in frustration.
Boys!