My Fat Diary

I slumped down at my desk. It was second period and I couldn't deal with this. So far I'd made an idiot of myself in front of everyone, my teacher had yelled at me twice, Maria wasn't in and to make it worse I was starving. I couldn't even last 2 hours without food. I was disgusting. Just like that girl had said.
'DANIELLE!. This is the third time I've had to tell you to concentrate this lesson. Have you even been listening to me?'
'I err, well I was just-'
She cut me off. 'You know what. I'm sick of people giving me all these excuses. Don't concentrate. Fail your tests. I don't care.'
I just stared at her. I had nothing to say. It was one those questions she had just been talking about. The rheticle ones? Rhetorical. That's what is was. A stupid rhetorical question, to make me feel bad.
I tried to pay attention for the rest of the lesson but I just couldn't. I just kept thinking about lunch and what I was going to eat.
The bell interrupted my thoughts and it was suddenly time for gym. We were doing dance and I hated. I looked like an elephant, blundering across the dance studio, while all the other girls were graceful swans.
I slowly walked other to the changing rooms and sat down on the wooden bench while all the other girls happily stripped down in front of each other. I just couldn't do it. I was fine last week but now it was impossible. How could I be so oblivious of my fat for so long? It's like I had been blind and that girl in the lunch hall had opened my eyes for the first time.
The girls started to file out and I got dressed as quickly as I could, facing the walls so anyone still in the changing rooms couldn't see my fat ugly stomach. I pulled on my too small leggings and followed everyone else into the dance studio. We were doing contemporary style today and Maria and me agreed that we would go together but she still hadn't turned up, leaving me partner-less because no one else would want to go with me.
Our teacher, Miss Simms, walked in, smiling at everyone. 'So girls, we're doing contemporary style dance today. We're going to be basing it off this poem' She said, indicating for everyone to take one of the sheets she was holding. 'It's about anorexia and how it controls the body and the mind.'
I took one of the sheets and started reading.

What brings a person to this state?
The tired and weary eyes,
that long to see the reflection of a different person,
while peering at the reflection in a pool.
The numbness and obsession with weight-loss,
the constant battle in her head,
the struggle of not eating.
The bony body,
tearing away at its own flesh.
Skipping meals,
and vomiting up what she has just consumed,
tired and lonely while the days pass by,
darker and darker as they become.
Till one day the body cannot go on,
and as she slips away you hold her tight
wanting to tell how beautiful she was in your eyes.
Feeling the rough skin go cold,
and you know that it's too late,
and the spirit has failed the body,
and the person could no longer live in the dark world
where people are judged by skinny versus fat
but that the person is in a better place.
What brings a person to this state? - Anon

I could hear whispers of 'Ew anorexia is gross' 'Why would you do that?' and 'Bet she looks ugly'.
'So girls, now that you've read the poem, I want you to watch this dance interpretation of it and see how they try to get across the emotion and desperateness of it.' Miss Simms walked over to the small tv located in the corner of the studio and turned it on, showing a video of two girls dancing. 'One of the girls is portraying anorexia and the other is portraying the anorexic girl in the poem.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After we watched the video we had to discuss it and then get into our partners to choreograph our own dance. I had to work by myself because of the uneven number and no one wanted to be in a three with me.
I just stood in the corner, trying to think of a dance, but failing. I just kept thinking about lunch. I hadn't bothered to bring in a snack as we only had chocolate in the house and I thought I would be fine. But I wasn't. I really wasn't. And staring in the huge mirrors that adorned one side of the dance studio was helping, I was just looking at how my stomach sagged over the waistband of my leggings and how my thighs crashed together whenever I moved.