Status: Completed
Us
Us
“I’m sorry Vic.” Kellin said sniffling, and he hung up the phone.
“No! Kellin! Wait-“ I looked down to see that the call was ended and I threw the phone against the wall in a rage. I looked around the room looking for inspiration. At this point my brain was so scrambled that I couldn’t think straight. I saw a model of a toy train and it was like a light bulb going off in my head. I grabbed my coat and ran out the door. It didn’t take me long to get to the subway. I made my way onto the subway car and sat down in the closest seat to the door. The ride seemed like days for me. It was all in slow motion honestly. It stopped and I hopped out looking around for a stairway. After that I ran. I didn’t stop to breathe. I didn’t stop to blink. I just ran all the way to Kellin’s place; all the way to his apartment door. I tried opening it, but it was locked. I panicked, not knowing how to get in, but then I kicked the door in. I jogged in and glanced around quickly. I saw the phone laying on the messy bed, and a trail of clothes from the bed all the way to the bathroom. I grabbed his phone and made my way to the bathroom. The first thing I noticed was the orange, empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor. The second thing I noticed was the handprint on the sink, the bloody handprint which trailed up to the mirror. Though it was gruesome and bloody, the message read, “I still love you, Vic.” The last thing I noticed was the closed shower curtain. I should’ve never opened it, because I knew exactly what was behind that curtain. I guess curiosity has a way of getting to me. I grabbed the shower curtain, pushing it aside to reveal what I knew would be there. Kellin was laying in a bloody tub, both wrists mutilated, sliced open to the point of no return. His skin was paler than it had ever been, and his lips had a blue tint to them. I leaned over his body crying. I laid my head on his chest, feeling how cold he was; how dead he was. I clenched my fists and punched him.
“FUCK YOU KELLIN! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO DO…..why’d you have to do it?” I sobbed over him. “Why?” I repeated. “Why?” I said again through a weak raspy voice. I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair. I couldn’t even believe what had happened. I mean I could, but it just seemed so much more real now. It’s different when you’re pretending and practicing for what you know is going to happen. I punched the wall over and over again leaving my hand bruised and broken, and then I slid down the tile wall onto the floor. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything. I rolled my head towards Kellin. His hair was all in his face, so I got on my knees and pushed it out of his face and tucked it beside his ears. I softly rubbed his cold cheek with my thumb, and then I bent down and pressed my lips to his. I nuzzled my face into his neck and cried some more. Then I felt him move. It was like God had tricked me. I pulled out my phone and called an ambulance.
“911 how may I help you?” the dispatcher said.
“My boyfriend tried to kill himself! He’s alive though hurry please! It’s bad!” I said frantically.
Minutes later they came in. They pulled him out of the tub and checked for a pulse. Then they pulled out the AED. They shocked him about 3 or 4 times before they finally gave up. The EMT stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders giving me that look. That look that says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but not really.” It was a sympathetic look. Then they put Kellin on a stretcher and covered him up with a sheet, which quickly became bloody because of his wrists.
They started rolling him out and the other EMT turned around and said, “He’s gone. We’re truly sorry.”
I laughed at him. “That’s impossible. I saw him move! I felt him move! Do your fucking job!” I half yelled.
“No. He’s been gone for almost an hour. We couldn’t have saved him even if we tried.”
The cops walked in I guess to talk to me about what happened. It was all happening so fast. First, I thought he was dead and then he moved and now he’s dead again. I ran towards the door only to be held back by the cops. I tried to push past them, kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs, but I couldn’t.
“NO! PLEASE GOD NO!” I yelled. “OH GOD! I’M SO SORRY KELLIN! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I’M SO SORRY!” I cried collapsing into the cop’s arms. All the hope, love, good, and kindness that I’d ever felt poured out of me. I could feel myself emptying, and then I couldn’t feel anything I was just numb. The only person I’d ever loved was gone. The only person I ever trusted. The only person who ever trusted me. The only person who put faith, time, and effort into me, into us. He was gone. The love of my life was gone.
After I got back home from the police station I went straight into my bedroom and found one of Kellin’s shirts. I laid on my bed smelling it trying to take in his scent. Then I picked up a pen and paper.
Dear Kellin,
I hope that one day you can forgive me. I should’ve stayed with you. I should’ve been strong for you. I shouldn’t have let you down, but I did. I did all those horrible things. I’ve done horrible things, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I gave up on you, on us. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. I’m just sorry. I’m a living, breathing, walking, talking sorry, and I want you to know that no matter how much it seemed like I didn’t love you in the end. I did. I still loved you, I still love you. I’ll always love you. Maybe one day we’ll see each other again. Maybe in the next life we’ll get a second chance. Maybe I’ll run into you at a coffee shop, offer you a cigarette, and maybe just maybe you’ll allow me to take you on a date. Till then, Kellin.
Sincerely, Victor Fuentes
I signed the letter and then made my way to the garage. I got the only rope I knew we had. I made my way back to my bedroom and stepped out onto my balcony. That’s when I felt him. I felt him in the wind, calling my name. The sound of his voice was the last thing I heard. I don’t remember tying the noose. I don’t remember putting it around my neck, and I don’t remember jumping off of my balcony. I remember hearing his voice. I remember seeing him faintly, standing in front of the brightest most beautiful light I’d ever seen, and I remember running up to him and hugging him tight; then it was over.
Some say young love is a poison. Some even say it is suicide, ironically enough. What do I think? Young love is innocence. Young love is sacrifice. Young love is…us.
“No! Kellin! Wait-“ I looked down to see that the call was ended and I threw the phone against the wall in a rage. I looked around the room looking for inspiration. At this point my brain was so scrambled that I couldn’t think straight. I saw a model of a toy train and it was like a light bulb going off in my head. I grabbed my coat and ran out the door. It didn’t take me long to get to the subway. I made my way onto the subway car and sat down in the closest seat to the door. The ride seemed like days for me. It was all in slow motion honestly. It stopped and I hopped out looking around for a stairway. After that I ran. I didn’t stop to breathe. I didn’t stop to blink. I just ran all the way to Kellin’s place; all the way to his apartment door. I tried opening it, but it was locked. I panicked, not knowing how to get in, but then I kicked the door in. I jogged in and glanced around quickly. I saw the phone laying on the messy bed, and a trail of clothes from the bed all the way to the bathroom. I grabbed his phone and made my way to the bathroom. The first thing I noticed was the orange, empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor. The second thing I noticed was the handprint on the sink, the bloody handprint which trailed up to the mirror. Though it was gruesome and bloody, the message read, “I still love you, Vic.” The last thing I noticed was the closed shower curtain. I should’ve never opened it, because I knew exactly what was behind that curtain. I guess curiosity has a way of getting to me. I grabbed the shower curtain, pushing it aside to reveal what I knew would be there. Kellin was laying in a bloody tub, both wrists mutilated, sliced open to the point of no return. His skin was paler than it had ever been, and his lips had a blue tint to them. I leaned over his body crying. I laid my head on his chest, feeling how cold he was; how dead he was. I clenched my fists and punched him.
“FUCK YOU KELLIN! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO DO…..why’d you have to do it?” I sobbed over him. “Why?” I repeated. “Why?” I said again through a weak raspy voice. I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair. I couldn’t even believe what had happened. I mean I could, but it just seemed so much more real now. It’s different when you’re pretending and practicing for what you know is going to happen. I punched the wall over and over again leaving my hand bruised and broken, and then I slid down the tile wall onto the floor. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything. I rolled my head towards Kellin. His hair was all in his face, so I got on my knees and pushed it out of his face and tucked it beside his ears. I softly rubbed his cold cheek with my thumb, and then I bent down and pressed my lips to his. I nuzzled my face into his neck and cried some more. Then I felt him move. It was like God had tricked me. I pulled out my phone and called an ambulance.
“911 how may I help you?” the dispatcher said.
“My boyfriend tried to kill himself! He’s alive though hurry please! It’s bad!” I said frantically.
Minutes later they came in. They pulled him out of the tub and checked for a pulse. Then they pulled out the AED. They shocked him about 3 or 4 times before they finally gave up. The EMT stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders giving me that look. That look that says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but not really.” It was a sympathetic look. Then they put Kellin on a stretcher and covered him up with a sheet, which quickly became bloody because of his wrists.
They started rolling him out and the other EMT turned around and said, “He’s gone. We’re truly sorry.”
I laughed at him. “That’s impossible. I saw him move! I felt him move! Do your fucking job!” I half yelled.
“No. He’s been gone for almost an hour. We couldn’t have saved him even if we tried.”
The cops walked in I guess to talk to me about what happened. It was all happening so fast. First, I thought he was dead and then he moved and now he’s dead again. I ran towards the door only to be held back by the cops. I tried to push past them, kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs, but I couldn’t.
“NO! PLEASE GOD NO!” I yelled. “OH GOD! I’M SO SORRY KELLIN! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I’M SO SORRY!” I cried collapsing into the cop’s arms. All the hope, love, good, and kindness that I’d ever felt poured out of me. I could feel myself emptying, and then I couldn’t feel anything I was just numb. The only person I’d ever loved was gone. The only person I ever trusted. The only person who ever trusted me. The only person who put faith, time, and effort into me, into us. He was gone. The love of my life was gone.
After I got back home from the police station I went straight into my bedroom and found one of Kellin’s shirts. I laid on my bed smelling it trying to take in his scent. Then I picked up a pen and paper.
Dear Kellin,
I hope that one day you can forgive me. I should’ve stayed with you. I should’ve been strong for you. I shouldn’t have let you down, but I did. I did all those horrible things. I’ve done horrible things, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I gave up on you, on us. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. I’m just sorry. I’m a living, breathing, walking, talking sorry, and I want you to know that no matter how much it seemed like I didn’t love you in the end. I did. I still loved you, I still love you. I’ll always love you. Maybe one day we’ll see each other again. Maybe in the next life we’ll get a second chance. Maybe I’ll run into you at a coffee shop, offer you a cigarette, and maybe just maybe you’ll allow me to take you on a date. Till then, Kellin.
Sincerely, Victor Fuentes
I signed the letter and then made my way to the garage. I got the only rope I knew we had. I made my way back to my bedroom and stepped out onto my balcony. That’s when I felt him. I felt him in the wind, calling my name. The sound of his voice was the last thing I heard. I don’t remember tying the noose. I don’t remember putting it around my neck, and I don’t remember jumping off of my balcony. I remember hearing his voice. I remember seeing him faintly, standing in front of the brightest most beautiful light I’d ever seen, and I remember running up to him and hugging him tight; then it was over.
Some say young love is a poison. Some even say it is suicide, ironically enough. What do I think? Young love is innocence. Young love is sacrifice. Young love is…us.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'm really sad tonight. ;-;