Godforsaken

He tries to get a firm grip on my upper arms, but I yank away so fast and so violently that all he can do is watch me with widening eyes. The others stare at me with startled expressions as well. None of them try to approach me after I pull away from Finnick, though, and I’m glad for it; the closer they come, the more I feel like I’m being pinned in.

“Kara, listen to me,” starts Finnick.

“No! No, I won’t! It’s too late for that!” I sob, tears clouding my vision before cascading down my cheeks. “You… You lied to me! You said you would keep me safe… That you loved me, but the only reason you wanted me to be your ally was to save her!” I point accusingly at Katniss but she simply ignores me.

“That wasn’t—“ starts Haymitch, but he’s interrupted by Katniss, who bumps his shoulder rather roughly and glares at her mentor.

“Tell the truth,” she spits.

There’s a collective sigh that rings through the room as they all swap looks. This infuriates me more. Anger singes my vein, makes my hands curl up into fists, and causes my thoughts to override with images of the final hour in the Games.

I see the bolt of lightning flash down from the dark sky as Katniss poises herself underneath the tree Beetee had wired up. She’s readying herself to shoot Finnick and I’m just inches away from slitting her throat with my knife—but then Finnick shouts something and suddenly she changes her aim. No longer is he in her sights. It’s the sky, which is lit up with a growing storm, she’s now prepping to shoot. I think it’s foolish, that she has a death wish, and don’t stick around.

I bang my way through the undergrowth of the jungle, screaming Finnick’s name as I go, trying to signal him so he’ll have time to move and find safe ground. It’s only when I reach him and he swings his arm out, slamming it into my throat and resulting into me crashing to the ground, that a slow realization starts to dawn. He quickly strips me of my knife and pricks the blade against the skin of my neck.

“Don’t move, alright? Stay very still,” he says.

My eyes are so wide that I can feel them pushing against the sockets while my heart thuds erratically inside my chest. I gulp and try to keep my sights on where he’s putting the blade of my weapon, but can’t manage to tear my gaze off his bruised and bleeding face. He was turning on me. The promise to keep me safe and always have my back had been cast aside, as if it was never real, and now he was preparing himself to end me.

As the memories fade and I stagger a little, I stop thinking rationally. Suddenly all I want is to rip pieces of him from his lean body and throw them all of the room till he’s begging me like I’d been ready to beg him that night. I want him to feel that fear and betrayal until he’s almost sick and on his knees.

An almost feral snarl rips out of my lips as I launch myself at the man who, after everything, I still care too much about. He isn’t prepared for my attack and we careen back into some medical equipment. While he tries to cradle me in his arms and steady himself against a wall, I’m digging my fingernails into the shirt he’s wearing and starting to rip. A howl emits out of his mouth, urging me on.

“Kara, stop this!” he screams, struggling to grip my wrists.

I don’t listen. Instead, I bash my forehead against his, slink to the ground with him, and deliver a swift punch to his left jaw. His head lolls around while his eyes go unfocused. My nails find his skin again and start to pierce through it, drawing blood this time. I pull and tug and yank till there’s a steady stream of red liquid coating my skin.

A pair of hands grabs ahold of me just before something pricks my neck. Almost immediately do I feel the effects of what must’ve been some kind of sedative. The medication seeps into my muscles, easing them, rendering them useless. But I manage to keep my eyes open long enough to glance over at Finnick. He’s breathing heavily and holding one of the wounds I’d inflicted while staring over at me in shock.

“Why would you do this?” I manage out between cries. Finnick just stares at me as Haymitch crouches by his side. A loud sob echoes out of my lips. “I hate you,” I murmur. “I hate you!”

I scream it as loud as I can before being restrained in a chair two District Thirteen medical workers had positioned me in. Then my eyes become too heavy and the last thing I see before I fall unconscious is Finnick starting to weep.