Godforsaken

Nobody stares at me, except Posy, Gale’s little sister. I manage a faint grin that she blushes at and tip the rest of my breakfast into her bowl. She scoots a little closer to me on the bench as she eats it.

The rest of the inhabitants of Thirteen don’t pay me any attention. Instead of ogling the almost-killer of the striking Finnick Odair, they mumble , eat their breakfast and then leave in order to carry out their assigned jobs. I try not to wonder why I am not a topic of gossip. I duck my head low and breathe easier, grateful that no one cares about my new presence in the cafeteria.

It seems that all I needed to do in order to please President Coin and be granted free roam of Thirteen was have a conversation with Finnick. I don’t know if she thought that would immediately resolve things or if she was hoping he’d break me so much that I wouldn’t be anything but a shell. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I think the latter is what has happened.

After Finnick’s admittance, I’d left the room. My brain had been whirring with too many things and my chest had suddenly begun to ache with a sharp pain that had made me gasp. I’d found Beetee in the war room and laid my head in his lap as I’d cried. He’d just petted my hair while gently cooing for me to tell him what’s wrong.

It’s been four days and I haven’t managed to draw up the courage to even think about what to do. I avoid it by rough housing with Gale, getting tutored by Beetee, and restocking the hospital storage rooms every day. It’s not a lot, but the work consumes my mind.

But I can’t avoid it today. It’s the first time since my arrival at Thirteen that I’ve eaten in the cafeteria with everyone else. I don’t know why I hadn’t worked out the fact that he would be in here when Gale had cheerily motioned for me to tag along with him and his younger siblings. Now I feel stupid and I want to slink away, back down to the darkness of the weapons room.

“What’s wrong, Kara?” asks Posey.

This question draws Gale’s attention from the conversation he was having with Rory, one of his younger brothers, and both Hawthorne’s look over at me. Beetee just reaches over to pay my hand, but continues to read his book and spoon porridge into his mouth.

“I can’t do this, Gale,” I ground out.

He leans over the table. “He’s not going to come over and eat breakfast with you, for Christ’s sake.“

“Mommy said you’re not supposed to say that!” interjects Posey.

He ignores her.

“He’s not going to try and make a scene in the cafeteria, Kara,” says Gale.

I slowly scan my gaze over to where he’s sitting with Annie, the little mad girl he’d mentored two years after my Games. He’s squeezed in relatively close and appears to be chuckling as he murmurs something into her ear. She giggles at it like a young school girl before falling into his chest.

My fingertips dig into the tabletop. In my chest, my heart has begun to thud so fast that I think I might be having a heart attack. I try to take deep breaths in order to calm myself.

I don’t know why I feel so jealous. I thought I hated Finnick, but watching as he laughs so charismatically with Annie and how he gently touches her arm makes tears spring into my eyes and my body tremble. I don’t want him to do that to her. I want him to be sitting here with me. But he’s way over there with the little mad girl and I can’t draw the courage nor the strength to right this whole situation.

I’m not prepared for when he flicks his gaze over to me. I freeze, my fingernails digging in so hard to the table top that I feel my knuckles and fingertips ache with pain. His sea-green eyes lock with mine for an unnumbered amount of seconds. He doesn’t lower them to take me in or try to make them shine with a smile. He just stares at me as Annie giggles still.

At the feel of Posey trying to hold my hand and someone pulling on my shoulder, I manage to look away.

“Come on, Kara,” Beetee gently murmurs from behind me. “Let’s you, Gale and I head down to the weapons room.”

“I got that new plan ready. It’s waiting for you to tear it to shreds,” Gale chuckles.

He herds his younger siblings over to where his mother is sitting with Katniss and Mrs. Everdeen, then slips his arm around my waist in order to help guide me out of the cafeteria.

I send one longing glance over my shoulder at Finnick. He has returned his attention back to Annie, though. The two nearly have their foreheads pressed together.

I swallow down bile while resting my head on Gale’s shoulder.



“Why didn’t you just come over and sit with us?”

At the sound of the voice, I snap around, my eyes wide and my system on alert.

Finnick is leaning up against the doorway and watches me with bright eyes. I swallow hard.

“What?” I ask.

“This morning. Why didn’t you come sit with me and Annie?”

I almost snort. Turning back around, I start to flip through the plans I’d drawn up.

“Don’t think I could stomach being that close to the two of you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffs.

I don’t answer.

“Jesus, Kara! Did you really forget about that little conversation we had? Or was I the only one who was there when I said I love you?”

“No,” I murmur. “I was there.”

I hear as he comes farther in the room and go to draw away when he takes the seat next to me, but he grabs my hand.

“Well then, what is this? Are you still mad at me?”

I stare down at our hands, watching the way he runs his thumb over my skin. It’s slow and gentle, and he doesn’t leave any untouched. I have to swallow and blink hard so I won’t start crying.

Drawing my gaze up, I stare at him with watering eyes. His brows furrow and he leans in closer.

“I’m scared,” I whisper.

The look that sweeps over his face is heartbreaking, but I can’t look away. He’s so beautiful.

Without a word and without warning, Finnick uses his free hand to cup my cheek, then closes the gap between our bodies in order to press his soft lips against mine.