Godforsaken

Taking a breath now was easy. There was nothing pushing down on my chest anymore. When I draw in air, it’s an action that doesn’t make the beating thing inside my body ache. The movement is fluid and clean, ridden of the black thoughts and scary desires. It feels so much better than ever before.

Usually, whenever I was so close to another human being, inhaling and exhaling would be a chore. People use to make me nervous—certain ones still do. But not Finnick. Not anymore. I can lie here in his arms with an ease that doesn’t even scare me anymore. It’s a freedom I do not take for granted.

“What’re you thinking about?” he whispers into my ear.

His breath pushes over the right side of my face. I smile involuntarily.

“How easy most things are now,” I murmur.

When I glance up, his tired gaze is inquisitive. He doesn’t understand.

I chuckle a bit before nuzzling closer to his side. He readjusts his arms to accommodate me.

“Before, I couldn’t even breathe right. I… Everything was so difficult for me.”

I pause and think over how I’d like to explain this to him. I wonder about editing things out, clipping the bad bits away. But I know he won’t like that. Despite how dark all this will be, I know he’ll want to know everything.

“I had nothing. Trying to live when you don’t have anything is hard,” I say, my tone low.

Finnick squeezes me gently and I feel as his warm lips press to my forehead, to the top of my head.

“You’ve always had something, Kara. Whether you’ve been aware of it or not, I’ve always been yours,” he explains.

I pull him in for a kiss, forgetting about how exhausted I previously was in favor of remembering how good it felt to be kissed by him, to be touched by him.



No one will look at me. That is how I know something bad has happened. It’s like before, when we’d been pulled from the arena. Everyone is avoiding their gaze to the floor. It makes me uneasy. I think I know why the inhabitants remaining can’t bring themselves to peer at me, though. The thought is one I don’t mean to think, but I’m a logical person. It’s the only solution that makes sense.

Finally, after a few seconds of the torturous silence, Katniss steps forward. Her eyes are swollen and red. She’s been mourning her sister. I am surprised that she has decided to give me the news. I’ve never hid my dislike for her.

“I’m sorry,” she gets out.

Her tone is weak and breaks in many places. She starts shaking the longer she stands in front of me.

Swallowing, I stare directly at her. I don’t know if the Girl on Fire has enough bravery and grit left to tell me that Finnick is dead. She seems to be drawing strength from my silence, though. Maybe she knows I need to hear it as much as she needs to say it.

“We…I couldn’t do anything. I would have, but it happened too fast,” she whispers.

Tears have started to stream down her cheeks. I don’t know if it’s because she actually told me what no one else would or if my worst fears have been confirmed, but I start crying too. I don’t sob, though. Water just pours out of my eyes and I can’t stop it. I think my chest is breaking too.

“He was brave, Kara. He died trying to build a better life.”

That’s Haymitch. I don’t look at him. The old drunken mentor doesn’t say anything else. But I hear footsteps. They’re cautious, slow. The smell of fresh soap lets me know that Beetee is the one who is now at my right. Gently, he grips my elbow, but touches no other part of me. It’s support just in case I need it.

I continue to stare at Katniss. As I peer at the girl who incited this whole thing, I feel like I am the one who is on fire. But I’m not angry at her anymore. I understand now. My mind wasn’t clouded with the haze of blame anymore.

Finnick fought just like she had. He wanted a better life for whatever had been prepared to welcome us in the future. Katniss wanted the same thing for her and Peeta. I cannot hate someone who just wanted to be in a world that wasn’t so dangerous and maddening. I cannot. It is too much like my own dreams.

The flames that I feel eating me from the inside out are made of the unknown. How do I get up from this? What would Finnick and I have had if he’d lived to see a new future with me? Would we have had children? Grandchildren?

I feel myself cracking. Katniss is still crying in front of me. She doesn’t even try to appear strong anymore. She is shattering just like I am.

I don’t think anyone expects what I do next. I hear the sudden scuffle of feet scratching against the floor of Snow’s mansion. Someone gasps but it’s not out of fear; they’re surprised.

I’m wrapped around Katniss, clutching to her like I need her to help give me life. The girl from Twelve barely can grasp fistfuls of my shirt that is gathered too much at my sides. She cries harder as she leans her head onto my shoulder. I squeeze and squeeze, stopping only when I’m afraid that I will hurt her.

When I glance over her shoulder, I spy Gale. He is in plain sight towards the back. The look he wears as he watches Katniss and I envelop each other is one of sadness. I he knows what it my enveloping Katniss so strongly signals.

I am broken again and who knows if there will be enough of Beetee’s bolts and my friend’s smiles to bind me back together this time.